"Okay, bye. Love you. I'm so glad you called. Tell Cat I said hi. And Sam, I'm happy for you." Melanie said with a big smile as we signed off.
"Yeah, okay. That's great thanks. Uh, you too. Talk to you later, then." I clicked the hang up button with my mouse and looked at the clock, quickly counting nine hours ahead. 11am to 8pm, that was fine I could call her. She wasn't online but I texted her and told her I needed to talk.
When all was said and done I hadn't talked to Carly in a couple months. I missed her everyday. But with the time difference, babysitting, just regular life living... and then Cat, the reason I was calling now; time slipped away. I'd emailed her a few times. But I'm not going to say anything big in an email.
Carly popped on and I hit the green connect button. She was just putting her headset on when she picked up. "Oh Sam! Oh, it's so good to see you?"
"Carls!" I said. "How things going, Cupcake?" It was great to see her too.
A bit of a shadow passed over her face. I don't think anyone but me would have caught it, but there was something going on. Plus I was nervous anyway, so I'd try to get her story out first. But this convo wouldn't be over until there had been some pretty big stories on both sides. "Things are going fine." she said.
"Carly, c'mon," I started to try to entice it out of her.
I guess it was closer to the surface than I thought. "Sam, this place is bananas. And I do not mean soft and sweet. I never see my dad. He's always working. When he comes home in a good mood he promises to try harder to see me more. But I've been hearing those excuses for years. When he comes home stressed he gets mad and says I'm almost an adult. Sunday he said he didn't know why I came. He said I knew what I was coming into. He said to be grateful for how much more I saw him now than I used to. And he's right, he's totally right. But I still almost called you, I was so upset. But it would have been 4:30 in the morning your time."
"Kid, you need to call me like that. You're my best friend. You are more my sister then my damn twin. Please, promise if you're ever like that you'll call."
She was crying a tiny bit. Well maybe not cry, crying but tearing up. "I promise." She was quiet for a second, but I could see she was getting ready to talk. Thinking of her words. So I didn't jump in. "It's funny. Maybe it's because I am growing up. Maybe looking at it with different eyes. But once I was cried out and looking at it differently I saw my dad for the first time."
"In what way?" I asked.
"It was my first time thinking. 'He puts his career first', in a detached adult way. Growing up I was either like, "his job is keeping him from us." Or if I was feeling emo, I was like, 'nobody loves me, my own father cares more about his work than me.' But now I can look at it and say honestly, he just puts his career first. I know he loves me. I know if he had to choose, he'd choose me. But he doesn't have to choose. Is it selfish? Maybe. Will he regret it when he's retired and I'm gone and we only chat on the phone occasionally? Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn't matter. He's not perfect, and he made a choice to miss my childhood in exchange for the job he wanted. He could have served at home. I know recruiter's kids. Dad works 9-5 monday through friday, just like any other American dad. Same with a lot of the guys working on base. But he probably wouldn't have risen very high or had the exciting career he wanted. So he made a trade. But he made it with his eyes open. And I do see him maybe three hours a week, and that is a lot more than I have in the past. let's change the subject." She obviously had a lot of feelings she was still working through, but she seemed on a good road, so I let her jump to something else.
"Are you dating anyone?" I said wanting to lead the conversation this way in preparation for the news I had.
She rolled her eyes and bared her teeth, "Eeeek! Don't get me started on dating. I thought America had 'advanced' kids. Here they not only look at me like a toddler for how inexperienced I am. Half of them want to have an intellectual discussion about how America fetishizes childhood and won't let teenagers grow up. I've got a friend here from New Zealand, where it's apparently even worse, who wasn't allowed to date until she was 15 and didn't actually find someone she liked til she was 16. Then she moved here 6 months later. I'm just being careful, I really liked Steven, and I liked and trusted him so easy and so quick. He was charming. Then he cheated. And he cheated so badly and never showed any remorse at all. I mean I've dated since him. I date now. Had one last week. But if you aren't ready to jump into bed no one has time for you. Speaking of Steven, how's Topi?"
Carly knew I was friends with all Cat's friends. Her and Tori had even started emailing back and forth. No surprise, they are similar types. I guess that's how they both got Steven. "She's good. Does she know you call her that?" I answered. Because Topi was what Tori's miswritten charm bracelet from Steven had said.
"Of course, I call her Topi to her face. I was worried it would bring back memories, but she thinks it's funny. And she says it reminds her not to trust weaselly boys like that next time." Carly explained.
"Yeah her and Andre came over for dinner on Friday and we watched a movie." I told her.
"Wish I could have been there. I'm not sure if I've gone over a friends house and watched a movie in two months. What did you watch?"
"We were supposed to watch Chainsaw Apes 3 : The Chimpening. But Cat got scared and we ended up watching My Little Puppy : Puppiton Girls. How did I end up with a friend who'd not only watches a show about animated puppies but brings home a movie about those same puppies going to an alternate world where they are high school girls? As if that show didn't have enough creepy adult men in their fan base." When I said 'friend' I almost said 'new best friend' which I'm not going to say to Carly who was still my best friend. Cat couldn't replace her. Cat once told me 'best friend is a tier not a person'. I could see that now. Just like I knew Jade was still Cat's best friend. But I didn't think Carly needed a lesson in semantics when she was so blue. And I couldn't call Cat my girlfriend. Not yet.
"Yeah I think Gibby or Freddie mentioned that movie in an email a few weeks back. But I don't remember which." Carly said.
"I wouldn't put it past either of them. Couple o' creepoids." I said.
"Well was it good?" She asked.
"It was cute!" I said as if that said everything. But out of loyalty to Cat I added. "The animation was good, and it was kinda neat the way they designed the girls to look like people and still enough like their puppy selves you could tell who was who without them pounding it into your head with a bunch of tacked on references." I also liked that they had some strong femme shippy subtext. Which I was pretty sure was put in for the same pervert adult male fanbase. But I didn't dwell on it. There was little enough to enjoy.
Cat wouldn't let me leave her side and she shushed us when we talked. So I spent most of the movie texting to Andre and Tori, to a lesser extent, making fun of the movie.
Although to be completely honest, the movie was so Cat in attitude it reminded me of her and there was a tiny part of me that enjoyed it unironically.
"Even that sounds good. When I was at my Kiwi friend's house. (I almost had to stop her but then I remembered Kiwis was what New Zealanders called themselves) Her mom called me 'that Carly girl' and would not speak to me even when I addressed her directly. Maggie, my friend, said it was because she thought it was strange that the family came to Italy and she decided to spend her time with an American."
"That's some weird chiz." I said.
"Weird chiz indeed. and Spencer was supposed to be here to visit for Christmas, but he got a museum show, now he can't come. Which is great for him, and I'm so excited. But not great for me. Tell me something that'll distract me." She said.
Talk about setting it up for me perfect. But I didn't know what to say.
"Well I came on today to talk to you about an hour and a half ago. You weren't online. But uh, Melanie was." I began.
"You've been talking to Melanie more. Sam, that's fantastic!"
"Yeah that's kinda what Cat said, so I've been making a little more of an effort. Melanie came out last month to help me play a prank on Cat. I didn't really say anything to her, but it really meant a lot to me that she'd drop everything, just for a prank." I explained.
"That's great. I honestly think Melanie never really understood why you were so mad at her. I understand. You had to live with your mom and she got out. And worse she left you behind when she got out. But she was gone. She didn't see it. She's a bit prissy and some might point out a bit passive aggressive. But you are angry and aggressive aggressive. You guys might never be as close as twins can and maybe should be. But there's no reason you can't be as close as sisters who live in different states can and should be"
"Yeah, that's pretty much what Cat said, and I agree to an extent." I said. "It's just there's something going on with me and you should have been the first to know. If I'd known how to tell you. Even if we still saw each other every day, I know I would have talked to you before there was ever anything to tell. It just makes me think of how much I miss you. And that's on top of freaking out a bit about the actual thing."
"Just tell me. You're killing me with suspense." Carly said.
"You know I love you right?" I asked.
"Not used to you saying it." She says. "But I absolutely know it."
"I do. You have always been there for me. You were the first person I was sure cared about me. I was sure would be there no matter what." I was crying a little now. This was not how I intended to tell her. But I just hadn't expected her to be having a rough time of it in Italy. So I felt the need to tell her how much she meant to me. And I was feeling a bit more emotional than I was used to for a lot of reasons. "I don't know if I could have made it this far without you. Even with how crazy I am, I really believe that it's 'cause of you I even know how to care about someone."
She was crying now too which didn't make it easier. I really wished we could do this in person.
"I love you too Sam. You gave me as much as I ever gave you." She said.
I laughed a tiny bit through my tears. "We both know that's not true. But I did try to be the best friend I could be to you. And you always let me feel like that was enough."
"It was enough. Sam you are amazing. You were never less than an incredible blessing in my life. I wish you believed that." Carly cried.
Which warmed my heart in a physical wave and I said, "I do. Sometimes. Usually. I'm working on it. But that's only part of what I wanted to say. Yes, you made me feel loved and showed me I could love. In a healthy way. Not that toxic disgust/dependence/pity I had for my mom. But that was act one of my life. And you were just about the only good thing in it. But when I met Cat, we clicked almost instantly. I loved her so quickly it scared me. And I loved her differently than I'd ever felt before. There was this physical side. We can address this later, right now I just need to get it all out there. There was a time I thought I was in love with you. I mean there's no question I think you're beautiful and I need you to always be in my life. But the reason I got confused is I was so young I didn't understand what sexual love was. So I thought thinking you were beautiful and wanting to be around you all the time was all there was. I really wish I could have had my best friend in my corner every step of the way. But it went so fast and I really didn't want to come out to you on the computer. But finally when I told Melanie today, I knew I could not go another day with my fake sister knowing something my real sister doesn't."
"Sam it's fine. I am so happy for you. But you could have told me as soon as you fist started wondering; thinking you might be gay." Carly said.
"Yeah, right before telling you I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. And besides I think I might have already been having those questions when we met in grade school." I said thinking about it.
"What about Freddie?" Carly asked.
"Freddie was a combination of a pity party because I was trying to show you how nice I could be. And us comforting each other because neither of us could have you. Not that we ever talked about it. But I really think that we both knew on some subconscious level that that was the biggest thing we had in common."
"Okay, what about the time you said you had a crush on Spencer?" Carly asked. I could tell she wasn't trying to challenge my lesbiocity she was just honestly asking questions.
"Sort of a different side of the same thing I had with you. I love Spencer and look up to him. I probably feel about him pretty close to how you feel about him. But I didn't have a reference point, so I interpreted that as a crush. I mean there's no question he's the most important man in my life. And now that I'm out and happy, maybe he always will be." I replied. I had asked myself this question, and some of that was also spur of the moment. It did feel right.
Carly smiled and gave a sigh. "Tell me about this 'out and happy'."
"She's crazy. Maybe a little bit literally. She does have a literally crazy brother who we have to talk about carefully. He was the center of her little sister world for a long time. Just like you and Spencer. But that's where the similarities end. She's messed up enough to think I'm a catch."
"You are a catch." Carly said, as I knew she would. Whether it was true or not. "And she's a lucky girl. And I'm happy for you. And I feel weird that you kept this a secret for so long."
"Me and Cat, or about me being Lebanese?" I asked.
"The second one. It sounds like you've had a pretty strong suspicion for years. You could have told me. You tell me everything." She said.
"It felt weird, saying it." I replied a little embarrassed now that I hadn't told her.
"And it didn't feel weird last year when you told me that if you play with yourself at night, you like to go to sleep smelling your fingers?" She made a face.
I laughed. "That's not gross, it's comforting."
"When did those two things become mutually exclusive? And either way, I do not need to know it." She smiled.
"And that one was your own fault, anyway. You were looking for a way to tell me you had a sex dream about Gibby. And you asked me 'what's the biggest thing you never told me?' It was summer so I'd just been thinking about how hot the last summer was. Which made me think about that day Spencer got that air conditioner when it was so crazy hot. And you made such a deal out of me sniffing my fingers from under my arms. So it seemed like the biggest thing. There aren't many to choose from, I tell you everything. It's not like I do it in public, or I'm one of those finger sniffer kids who just always have their hands in their face. I hate those kids."
"You act like you still do it," She said getting a wary look on her face.
"Kiddo, my fingers don't smell like me anymore." I said with a sly smile, as I waited for her to figure it out.
A second later when she got it, she got the best look on her face. "Sam, must you?"
"Doubt you want the answer to that." I laughed.
"How bout you could have said, 'Carly I think I might be a lesbian'." Carly continued, and she was right.
"Every girl in the world wonders if she's a lesbian at some point. Having questions isn't a secret, and since the next confession would have been, 'and I think I might like to butter your muffin'. That's not a question to bring up until you're sure."
She laughed, "butter my muffin, so tell me about this girl who's bakery you're buttering now. I remember that she could sing. Just the little bit she did when we went to bust Steven… I still think about that. That tiny thing has pipes like a brass band. And I know everyone loves her. Every time I talk to you or Topiary. you both go on about how fun and great and funny and cute she is. And of course I love her too. Because you do. So tell me about my new favorite sister-in -law."
I really loved her making Topi into Topiary, a good word anyway. But the sister-in-law line pretty much chased everything else from my head.
Yes I'd thought of marrying Cat, and yes Carly was my sister. But putting those two dreams together in one thought left me speechless.
And my speechless moment was stretched, because Cat came home right then.
"Samentine, I'm home." she said, bouncing into the room.
"At 11:45 in the morning?" I asked, shocked.
"Parent teacher conferences." She said, giving me a kiss. "I'm sorry Momma, did you want me to make you an appointment?" She saw who I was talking to. "Hi Carly."
She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "May I sit on your lap and join the conversation, or is this a private talk?"
"You're welcome to join. You don't have to sit on my lap there's plenty of room."
She touched her forehead and nose to mine and said, "Not what I asked. I want to sit in my spot."
I pushed the computer back on the table a bit and pulled my headphones out of the jack. Essentially putting Carly on speaker.
"My, Carly, did you know pamplemousse is French for grapefruit?" Cat said.
"I'm not in France, Cat." Carly still had to get used to my girl's adorable little mind and how it worked.
"Try Carly, I know where you are, and if you can think of an Italian word as fun to say as pamplemousse, I will gladly say it with you."
Carly thought for a moment then said, "Spiaccichiccamicelo is a pretty funny word, and fun to say. It means splat or squish that over me. I'm guessing you and Sam might have a use for a word like that."
"Why Carly, what a dirty thing to say. But you're right, that does sound fun to say. Let's say it together, Spiaccichiccamicelo" The two of them said the word together. But my girl said, "You too Sam. Spiaccichiccamicelo." And we all said it. and it was fun.
"Aye Carly, that was a fun word." My baby said.
"Cat, are you trying to start everything you say to me with something that rhymes with iCarly?" Carly laughed.
Cat laughed as well and said, "Sly Carly."
"I like you Cat, you're funny. But if you ever hurt Sam I'm gonna have to hunt you down." Carly said.
Cat brightened up like the sunrise. "Oh are we getting this out of the way? Thank God. You have always been a fantastic friend to Sam. I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am for you taking such good care of her. But you also left her, and moved out of the country. And if momma ever comes to me crying because the only real family she has doesn't have time for her anymore, I'm gonna cut your pretty face. And I'll tell you something Miss Carly Shay. You do not want to play 'Why so serious' with Brother Valentine's little sister. I promise you that." She said it all in such a happy normal statement kind of way. Her sweet high voice betraying no undo emotion. Just telling Carly the facts as she saw them. "Now that that's out of the way, I'm getting a pamplemousse so Sam can spiaccichiccamicelo."
Maybe it was growing up with me, but it only took Carly a moment to put Cat's warning behind her. And maybe a few more for the two of them to be thick as thieves. Talking about Tori, and the others from Hollywood Arts.
Carly knew who all of them were, because Tori talked about them too. They talked about me like I wasn't sitting right there, when I tried to apologize to Carly again for telling Melanie before her. They both were of the opinion that it was a good thing that I was reaching out to Melanie a bit. And they both said Carly still knew within an hour of when Melanie knew. And at the end of the day it just wasn't a big deal.
Carly made it clear that I could have told her at any time and it wouldn't have been weird and she would have been supportive. Cat spoke for me and talked about how I was scared. And no matter how much I knew she'd be cool, when she is the only support you have, even 99.99% sure is still not enough to risk losing it.
Carly replied that in her opinion I should have been 100% sure. Cat countered honestly, but not meanly, that there were two times we almost broke up as friends just during the run of iCarly.
That one hit Carly obviously, and she said that she could see the point and she loved me.
I made a smart ass comment about them talking about me but clearly not too me, so I had nothing to say.
"That'll be the day." They said in unison. Then looked at each other and did an air five at the webcam.
A little bit later when we were getting off; we all told each other that we loved each other. And from now on we would talk every Wednesday night. Not a going out night, so we'd all be home for a visit. I'd call at 2pm. 11pm her time and we'd get a good visit. Then Cat would come home just in time for a short chat and goodbyes.