The Mistletoe Maneuver
Disclaimer: Once again, I own nothing.
"What the hell is that doing here?"
Meera glanced up to where Liz's eyes were focused, on the ceiling at the entrance to the "Think Tank", the room used for strategizing at their black site. She arched an elegant black brow. "Mistletoe," she said and quirked her lips in a slight smile. "Aram's idea. He calls it 'The Mistletoe Maneuver.' He's hoping to catch a few ladies under it himself." Her smile spread as she leaned toward Liz, saying lowly, "He keeps placing himself by the door when he knows a pretty girl's likely to enter the room. He got Faith and Elsie already, and I hear he was looking for you, too." She glanced surreptitiously around the room. "Lucky for you, I think he went to the bathroom."
Liz huffed a laugh, shaking her head at the older man's juvenile antics. "That's... kind of pathetic," she said through a grin. Really, she liked Aram, but the man was hopeless when it came to women. It seemed to be a trait hard wired into all computer geeks' DNA.
Meera crossed her arms, leaning against her desk as she shook her head. "No, pathetic is around the mistletoe there, there, there, and there." As she spoke, she pointed to small sensors that looked like round buzzers - one on the inner framework on each side of the door, one on the edge of the copier desk three feet into the room, and one directly across from that about the same distance on the edge of another desk.
Wary, Liz narrowed her gaze at them before sweeping her eyes back to her coworker. "What do they do?"
Rolling her eyes, Meera explained, "Well, as you can imagine, some people have taken issue with his little bundle of holiday cheer and refused to kiss. But those devices trigger something in our handy new 'ID bracelets'," her voice heavily emphasized a pair of quotations, "when two of them pass through the doorway simultaneously, which turns them from a harmless piece of metal into a weapon capable of delivering a painful shock." At this, Liz's jaw dropped. "It also sends an alarm to Aram's phone, letting him know his trap has been tripped. Only he has the power to deactivate the bracelets, you see."
Liz was in utter disbelief. "Thats... That's crazy! What about Phil's pacemaker-"
"Those with medical conditions that can be aggravated by a nasty shock weren't given bracelets," she interrupted, smiling thinly. "Kind of makes you wish you weren't the picture of health, doesn't it?"
Liz, mouth still hanging open, didn't know how to respond. That was taking things more than just a step too far.
Meera tipped her chin toward the door, and Liz turned to see Aram enter. The techie grinned when he saw her, coming to a stop just inside the doorway but carefully past the sensors.
"Agent Keen," he greeted, "so nice to see you this morning! You know, there was something I've been meaning to show..."
He drew up short when the oddly neutral look she'd been giving him turned to ice. His eyes shifted up to Meera before returning to Liz, suddenly understanding that he'd been exposed. The grin fell like a bad cake.
Before Liz could say anything about irresponsibility or feet entering tight, unnatural places, Aram hightailed it back out the door. She snorted. He could run for now, but she was going to give him a hell of a lecture when he worked up the nerve to show his face again.
Meera was laughing, covering the fit of giggles with her hand. "Did you see his face?" she asked. "From debonair to distressed in two seconds flat!"
Liz joined in her laughter, and they were both clutching their sides when male voices met their ears.
Cooper was speaking urgently, "I don't care what you have to do, just grease him. If we can get-"
Cooper's voice was interrupted by a low, mechanical buzz. Beside him, Ressler glanced around to find the source, gaze finally resting on one of the sensors on the door. Cooper threw up his hands. "Christ! I forgot about the damned plant!" Clearly more than irritated, his eyes landed on the two amused women, who quickly lost their humor in the face of his anger. "Where's that idiot, Aram? He's going to deactivate this now."
"What's going on?" demanded Ressler.
Meera answered Cooper. "Gone, Sir. Keen scared Aram, and he ran off."
Liz smirked, pleased at the chance to tease Ressler. "Pucker up, Donald," she quipped, using Red's tone and address because she knew it would get under his skin. His answering glare was acidic.
Cooper rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Let's get this over with so we can find Aram and get on with our lives."
Ressler gave Cooper a disbelieving double-take and griped, "What? We're really gonna...?" He shook his head, backing up a step - almost out of the safe zone. "Man, I can't do this."
"What's wrong, Donald? Insecure?" Liz goaded, flashing a grin when his face twisted into a snarl. He was just about to open his mouth when Cooper stepped between them.
"That's enough, you two," he said, adopting his most severe boss tone. "Agent Ressler, if you want to be electrocuted until Aram can be tracked down, be my guest. Or, you can man-up and just do this so we can leave. My time is precious. And because your time is my time, it's precious to me by extension. So what's it gonna be?"
Sufficiently cowed, Ressler winced. "Fuck... Just hurry up."
Meera and Liz stood to get a better view while Cooper leaned down to Ressler. Liz fumbled around in her pocket for her phone, but she had no real hope of getting to it before they managed a smooch. Besides, she wasn't about to tear her eyes away for one moment to find the camera app.
It was a good decision, too. When Cooper's lips met Ressler's, Ressler's face scrunched up like Cooper had used a dog turd for chapstick. Liz understood then that being without this memory would have been one of her deepest regrets.
They broke apart and avoided looking at each other. Another, higher tone came from the sensors that indicated conditions for passing safely through had been met. They hastened into the room, splitting to opposite ends.
As Cooper passed Liz and Meera, he paused. "Agent Keen?"
"Sir?"
His words held an edge. "Since you were responsible for Aram's disappearing act, I expect you to find him and bring him here as quickly as you can. No delay, do you hear me?"
Chagrined, Liz pursed her lips and dipped her head in a brisk nod. "Yes, Sir."
Head down, she wove through the desks to the doorway, mind on places she could check for their information specialist. With her luck, he'd hunkered down in the men's room...
She didn't look up as she passed into the doorway. Really, she should have expected that she wouldn't pass by unscathed, but so intent was she on her task that she didn't immediately stop. The buzz of warning on the trap startled her into awareness of her surroundings, and only then did she stop concentrating on the whom and remember the what that had sent her from the room to begin with. A sudden spark of dread halted her footsteps abruptly, barely in time. But the low and distinguished voice that addressed her from somewhere beyond the edge of her peripheral made her stomach bottom out like an amusement park ride.
"I was looking for you, Lizzie," Red was saying. She lifted her head to see his face, and her expression was odd - something he couldn't immediately decipher. Ignoring it for a moment, he said, "We've got another blacklister to apprehend, but first..." His head swiveled to the right, tracking the source of the sound he kept hearing. His eyes settled on a sensor by his arm. He touched it lightly, curious. "What is that god-awful noise?"
Liz sighed, not wanting to acknowledge the situation in which she now found herself, but realizing that he needed to know. "Aram's idea." She pointed above their heads, watching his eyes follow her finger to the mistletoe. Realization dawned on him, tinged with something else very briefly before he caught her eye. "He's intent on forcing everyone to kiss..."
Lips drawn to a thin line, Red rounded on Cooper who, along with everyone else in the room, had turned when the alarm sounded. "This is ridiculous. I know you're not the picture of good sense, Harold, but really... you allow your employees to play childish games like this in a government building?"
Cooper regarded him with an identical expression of distaste. "I just set Agent Keen the task of finding Aram and ridding us of the nuisance."
Red laughed, short and mocking. "That should have fallen to you. Agent Keen has some actual work to get done now, whereas all you'll be doing is standing around sipping a mocha frappé and exchanging useless pleasantries with your riffraff underlings." He cut off Cooper's angry response at the first syllable, waving his arms in front of him and saying, "You know what? Never mind. I saw the culprit cowering in the lobby. I'll retrieve him."
Liz didn't have time to tell him to wait as Red swiftly exited. "Stop!" was halfway out of her mouth when he paused, hand twitching into a fist. His jaw was tight as he turned back toward the Think Tank.
"That's an electric shock, Harold," Red said tightly, low voice deadly. "Why is there a current traveling through my arm?"
Liz, using her right arm (without the bracelet,) reached out to tug him back into the safety of the sensors. He glanced at her quickly, face only minimally showing his relief before he set a cold glare on Cooper.
Cooper looked almost satisfied that the criminal suffered, however briefly. He answered smoothly, without a hint of his simmering anger. "Compliments of Aram. He rigged the doorway to refuse passage until the right conditions were met. Seeing as how you're standing underneath mistletoe, I assume you understand what those conditions are."
Gaze shifting to Liz, Red studied her face, noting the resigned look in her blue eyes. "Send someone else for him," he told Cooper, not glancing away. He'd just begun rebuilding their trust. The last thing he needed was a setback, and kissing her would probably be a very awkward setback.
"Not a chance," Ressler responded coldly. Cooper remained silent - an obvious signal that he was siding with Ressler. "You're not so special that you deserve an out," he scoffed, eyes trained on his female team member. "So pucker up, Lizzie."
Having her words thrown back at her stung. Liz leveled him with a glare that was equal parts hatred and rebellion. If the bastard wanted a show, she wasn't going to whine about her poor fortune. She'd show them all she had a bigger set than her arrogant coworker, and she'd do it on her own terms.
Grasping Red by the lapels, she jerked him down to meet her lips. She almost smirked when the surprise made him tense and issue a mild grunt, but his mouth reflexively conformed softly to the contours of her lips. The thought that kissing him wasn't as repulsive as she expected it to be flit through her mind a second before she released him. Catching Ressler's eye smugly as the sensors beeped, Liz turned and walked from the room, heading in the direction of the lobby.
Standing alone in the doorway, Red seemed somewhat dumbfounded. Who knew he'd come to work today and kiss the object of his obsession? Mentally shaking himself out of his daze, Red looked at Ressler, who was almost as stunned by the incident as he was. Making an 'O' with his thumb and forefinger, he shot the agent a wink and a smile before trailing after Liz.
There was no way he was staying in that room of idiots until she returned. Besides, it seemed he had a mischievous little Israeli to thank.
Author's Note: Why do I always surprise Red with kisses? I know Christmas is over, but I'm still in the spirit. The idea is cliché, but it's always been my tradition to read mistletoe fics from different fandoms around the holidays, and I didn't find one in this category. Correct me if I'm overlooking one. Anyway, this was a silly little story that I figured I should post before the new year. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. Happy New Year!