"Is it already morning?" Callie asked softly. She had noticed, Hotch was awake and snuggled up to him.
"It's 6 a.m., Callie. No need for you to get up. But I need to go home, change my clothes and then..." Hotch took a deep breath, "my team." Hotch made no effort to get up.
"You want to talk with your colleagues, I understand that. You have to, they´ll be concerned. But this will probably not be easy, right?"
"They´re actually more than just my team. Some kind of family, Cal. And I'm afraid, I snubbed them."
"And all because of me, I'm afraid, I´m having a bad influence on you, Aaron Hotchner." Callie chuckled and kissed Hotch tenderly.
"Oh Lord, I guess, you're a terrible person, Kayleigh Aimes", Hotch smiled and strengthened his embrace a bit. It was so good, to share a little laughter with her.
oOo
Hotch walked into the bullpen shortly after 8 a.m. He wasn´t wearing the usual suit, he looked... unusual, almost casual. With sand-colored trousers and thin black sweater. If there wasn´t that expression on his face, one might have thought that this was a brief visit to say hello. But unfortunately it was not.
"I would like to talk to you, if you give me some time." Hotch said into the silent, slightly reproachful-looking round.
"Boss, what are you doing, merely," Garcia shrieked from behind and hugged Hotch fiercely. "You cannot leave, Hotch." Pen said firmly.
"I would like to explain it, if you let me. Maybe in the meeting room, if the team leader agrees." Hotch looked at Derek.
"Don´t think I forgive you that fast, Hotch." Derek muttered indignantly. But of course, he also wanted to know what Hotch had induced to take this step.
Hotch remained silent for a while, until he found the right words.
"I didn´t want to create a fait accompli, that was wrong. I´m sorry for that. It must have been clear to me, that Strauss was going to inform you immediately. I was supposed, to put you in the picture, but I didn´t...I couldn´t. I understand you are angry with me, I would be, too, if it was the other way around. But you know, this decision was overdue. You, as my team, you knew I wasn´t myself, lately, maybe I wasn´t myself since Haley's death. I've tried to keep it going, somehow. But I... I´m choking here. I can´t look in the eyes of parents no more, asking me, why their kid had to die, I just can´t.
There's this woman, Callie. You´ve already seen her, she's been here. She gives me something I missed for very long time." Hotch paused to collect himself a little.
"But Callie ... Callie is sick. She ... " Hotch tried to blink the tears away, but he succeeded only partially. His voice almost broke.
"Callie will die and she won´t have to do that alone. She´ll have Jack and me and that's why I won´t be around, the next months."
Penelope was the first one to sob loudly and she dug her hand into Derek's arm. JJ and Emily just looked at each other and Rossi put his hand on Hotch´s shoulder.
"I don´t have to tell you, we are all here for you and also for Callie, when you need us. No matter what, Aaron."
Hotch nodded, "Thank you, Dave. I don´t expect you to understand, I just want you to know. It... it's something I must do. For me and for her. I don´t know how everything will work out and what to expect. Honestly it scares me to death." Hotch paused, threatened to be overwhelmed by his emotions. This conversation was hell, how would Jack react?
Derek stood up without a word and left the conference room. "I´ll talk to him. " Emily said softly. She pressed Hotch 's hand.
"Dave is right. This is true for all of us, even for the stubborn one." Prentiss quickly slipped out, following Morgan.
JJ came over to Hotch. "I´m gonna pray for you and Callie, Hotch. I don´t know what to say, except that I´m thinking you're very brave. And I didn´t know how bad you felt. I´m sorry, Hotch. For not noticing. You can talk to me, anytime, Hotch. We are your friends, so please, if there is anything we can do, just ask. And let´s meet regularly, I want you and Callie for dinner, at Saturday. You promise, Hotch?"
"If Callie feels okay, we´d love to come, JJ. Thank you."
"I´m so sorry for you and your girl, boss-man." Garcia whispered and hugged Hotch again before she left with JJ .
"I can´t think of any appropriate statistics, Hotch," Reid mumbled uncertainly.
"Maybe you could tell me that some of those who are supposed to die don´t have to, because someone can save them?" Hotch said sadly, "it is all right, Spencer. I know you'll be there, too. "
oOo
Emily found Morgan in the gymnasium. He was hitting a punching ball, like crazy.
"What kind of shit game is this, Emily?" he gasped, "what the hell Hotch has done in a past life, to go through this? Can you tell me, Prentiss? I was so pissed, yesterday. And now? I want to hide somewhere and cry like a baby. Why are we doing all this, Em? We get up, every day and try to save as many lives as possible and what do we get in return? A kick in the ass!"
Derek punched the ball again. He felt helpless and angry. Perplexed, because he didn´t quite understand why Hotch wanted to be there in this way for an almost stranger.
"He loves her, Derek ," Emily said, as if reading his thoughts. "You cannot pick or choose. The heart is always the heart. It decides on it´s own."
"What if Hotch does not come back? Have you ever thought about it , Prentiss? What if he wants to end it all together with Callie?"
"He won´t, Derek. Hotch has just arrived at a point where he has to re-sort things. Decide, what´s important for him in his life. Earlier, Morgan, it was his job. Now it´s love. Unconditional love. And he is now questioning his job. Like Elle, like Gideon. This five girls we lost in Maine? Maybe it´s his 'one case too much'. We all will get to this point, you cannot do what we do without taking damage. When it´s my turn, I hope I can be as straight and consistent as Hotch. Perhaps he is truly unrecoverable, after Callie's death and he won´t come back. But that 's his decision, all alone, Derek. And we, as his friends will understand."
Emily turned around and wanted to leave. "Emmy? Wait." Derek went after her and turned her to him. "There's something I wanted to do for a long time, Emily." He put his hand under her chin and lifted her face up a little. Then he slowly lowered his lips to hers and kissed Emily tenderly.
oOo
Will wanted to pay JJ a visit. Maybe they´d spend lunchtime together. Will had a bad conscience, he was hoping she wanted to see him at all. They had a quarrel, last night, Will didn´t even remember, what the fight was all about. One thing led to another, like always. He loved JJ, but sometimes she made him mad. And yet he wanted nothing more than to love and protect her. He knocked at the door frame.
"Hey, Jenny," he said carefully and prepared himself for a quick leave. To his great surprise, she just looked at him and then rushed into his arms. "Oh, Will," she sobbed and Will held her as tightly as he could.
oOo
Hotch stood in front of Jack's school and watched the children screaming and storming happily out of the building.
"Daddy!" Jack hopped up to his father and threw herself into his arms. "You did not say you pick me up," he laughed joyfully and Hotch had to laugh, too.
"What about a visit to the park, you like so much? The one with the playground? We can spend some time there and later we´ll have pizza. What do you think?" Jack nodded eagerly.
"There is also something I would also like to discuss with you, Jack."
" 'cause of Aunty Jess?" Jack asked.
"Because of Aunt Jess? Actually no, Jack. What's wrong with Aunty Jess?"
"I think it 's sad, Daddy. Yesterday evening Uncle Dave came and Aunt Jess has been crying so much, Uncle Dave had to hug her sooo much."
Jack hugged his father, " just like this, Daddy." Jack looked questioningly at his father, "do you think she was sad because you're sad?"
Hotch sighed softly, "that may be so, Jack." He took Jack´s book bag and strapped him in the car. Jess was comforted by Dave? Hotch had no idea that the two of them were so close. Something else, that just rushed past me, Hotch thought.
He let Jack play for a long time on the playground, until he could decide to talk to him.
"Jack, you wanted to visit Ferdinand 's Mum with me, you remember?"
"Oh yes! Please, Daddy! Can we do that?"
"She is looking forward to you, Jack. But there's something I need to tell you necessarily before we visit her," Hotch said, stroking his son 's hair.
"You've asked before, why Aunt Jess is sad. She is sad because of Callie, like me."
Jack looked at his father intently. "Why are you sad about Callie? You said, she´s nice. I know she is, Daddy, she painted something just for me."
"I 'm sad because Callie cannot stay with us for long, Jack. Callie has to go away very soon."
Jack thought for a moment, "some place, we can´t go?" he asked. "Becca 's Dad also has to go to that place, Becca cannot go with him. Becca is crying quite often in class. Then I´m sharing my lunch with her and I hug her as much as I can, Daddy. She´s my best friend, I don´t want her to be sad."
Hotch tried desperately to keep his composure, Jack was such a good, compassionate boy. Hotch could not imagine how he could be like that, after all that had happened. Hotch didn´t realize, Jack was just like him. A warm and caring person.
"Yes, I think that's same with Becca 's Dad, Jack." He put Jack on his lap. "I'll be so sad and I´ll cry like Becca, when Callie has gone away, maybe even earlier, Jack. You see?" Jack touched his father's cheek, a single tear was finding it´s way down. "But Callie won´t leave so fast as Mommy, I can say 'goodbye' to her. And you could do that too, if you want to. It would be like saying 'goodbye' to Mommy, kind of. " Hotch stroked his son´s back, affectionately.
"Callie will go to Mommy and be an angel, too?" Jack asked and Hotch put his arms around his son.
"Yes, she will, Jack."
"And you still like her? Even if she will visit Mommy?"
"I like Callie a lot, Jack. And I don´t want Callie to be alone, when she is going to Mommy."
Jack had to think a little. "I want to go to Callie, Daddy. Maybe I can like her just a little bit? And maybe she can tell Mommy, we miss her?"
Hotch nodded, "I know, she will tell her, Jack," he whispered and squeezed Jack in desperation.