Title: Catalyst

Author: neveraworsename

Rating: M

Fandom: Glee

Pairing: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray

Summary: Quinn tried not to feel hurt, because after all it was her own fault. She couldn't have it all, not even both of them; the boyfriend and the girl with the stunning smile that had gotten her pregnant. G!Peen, AU S1, Quinn-centric

Disclaimer: Glee is the sole property of Fox, Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan and Brad Falchuck. I am using them for entertainment purposes and do not have any rights to them.

Notes: This is the last, official chapter of Catalyst. Yes, the story has always been planned to end this way. Yes, this is a little unexpected for some of you, but I hope we all enjoyed it before the last hurrah, which will be posted tomorrow, right after I sleep.

Chapter 15 –

Being a mother had not, really and truly, hit Quinn until after AJ was born. They went between calling him AJ and Asher, sometimes within the same sentence. She had been pregnant teenager, example of debauchery and loose morals. Now, she was a mother. She was somebody's mother and he depended on her very much.

It was a shame he was a little ugly. Oh, he was still the most beautiful child she had ever seen, but as a parent, that was her job. When she was impartial, she could admit he wasn't the handsomest boy on the block.

They were both worried about the dried skin between the webs of his hands and feet and his huge head – she maintained it was entirely Rachel's fault – and how he was wrinkled and red and generally, looked like a little old bald monkey. All of their parents assured them it was common and expected, and that neither of them were exactly pinnacles of beauty at birth. That was a bold-faced lie. Pictures of them at birth showed sweet-faced, pretty babies. Rachel's long eyelashes had been present already, but her dark eyes were deep blue, like the ocean, and she was gorgeous. Quinn looked like a Gerber baby, and her hazel eyes were green instead, similar to her mother's eyes.

Within two weeks, Asher's swollen, red body had faded to a much tamer olive complexion and his eyes were large and a soft green, constantly rolling around in curiosity. His eyes were supposed to change but Quinn hoped they wouldn't because he was just so pretty. Quinn and Rachel would periodically sit on a blanket with him and just stare. Their parents all laughed at them, but they didn't care.

Quinn had permission from the school to finish her work at home, until she was in tip-top shape, but after two days back with intense bullying to both her and Rachel, her assignments were now online. All work had to be turned in by the end of the class period, but it was much easier online, without distractions from classmates and sidetracked teachers.

She and Rachel both maintained A's, putting them neck-in-neck for number one of the class but were more distracted by their tiny son. He was developing features and had what was, unmistakably, Rachel's nose. His mouth was still small, but Rachel and Gerard assured her that it was very close in shape to her own. Judy stopped by at least once a day to see the baby, and when he was finally able to be outside, they brought him to Glee practice.

"Jesus, Berry, could your genes have been any stronger?" Santana asked as he laid on a blanket on the floor. She was crouched near him as his unfocused eyes stared ahead, but when she spoke, his eyes shifted to her mouth. At around two months, this was expected, and he cooed at her voice.

"Wow," Said Brittany, awe in her voice. "Duckie's talking to you, San."

Brittany was the only one to call AJ 'Duckie' and Quinn felt immense relief that Brittany didn't have any hard feelings towards not saying who the other parent was or that she was pregnant.

The other members of Glee played with him as he looked at them and giggled. He was a friendly baby, and they'd made sure to socialize him well. Research showed that babies identified male at birth didn't get as much social interaction as babies assigned girls at birth and Quinn was especially worried because she wasn't as expressive as Rachel. She couldn't just stick her face in his crib and make funny faces, but he always reached for her when it was time for peekaboo. Then, of course, they revealed themselves as regular teenagers when he pooped and they handed him back to Quinn before scattering. Rachel kept him occupied as she changed him by waving his hands and tickling his soft little belly. They threw the diaper out and Quinn washed her hands as Rachel and Asher cuddled.

"I love his smell," Rachel said to her when she returned, and Quinn laid on the blanket so that Rachel could carefully deposit him on her chest. She knew exactly what Rachel was talking about. He always had a tender scent to him, the combination of baby oil, powder, and formula, she was sure, and there was something milder, more relaxing to him naturally, after he'd had a bath, normally, and was being a cuddly dear. She nuzzled her face against his pale curls. He clucked, then whined, and Quinn opened her shirt and adjusted him, sitting up, so he could eat.

Asher had taken to cooing when people talked around him and he frequently babbled to himself when alone. They could hear him on the baby monitor at night, if they weren't asleep in the bed next to his crib in what was Quinn's room. Neither of them was really big on helping him self-soothe, especially in the beginning when he was cranky and tended to cry a lot. Rachel especially was distraught, sometimes leaving the house because she felt so bad for not picking him up and cuddling with him, or curling up with Quinn, her hands over her ears. It was worth it when he started sleeping through the night, however, and they could finally get some alone time.

Quinn had started taking the birth control shots immediately after giving birth, so after three months of abstinence, they were having semi-regular sex. They did not need the fervor of alcohol or the confused feelings she'd dragged with her because now she was herself again, not Asher's incubator – she felt so light without him inside, and so lost, light and lost – and the decision was made, even if Rachel didn't know. She could enjoy Rachel without guilt, without expectations, and it was the most freeing thing in the world.

She was happy to make Rachel laugh and fumble with her words until she blinked those darling eyes and flashed that wonderful dimpled smile. Quinn had come to realize it was Rachel's 'gosh, aren't I cute?' face when she wanted to be forgiven of some imagined transgression.

But this was not, ultimately, for her. It was for Rachel, for Rachel to go on Broadway and become a voice actress and produce Grammies and, when the time was right, they would contact her. She never intended for Asher to not know Rachel, exactly, but it would be easier for all involved. AJ wouldn't be the first child to not know their father.

Quinn leaned against the door frame, watching Rachel change Asher as she made funny faces to keep him distracted. He wasn't very into diapers and pulled at them normally, sometimes unsnapping them completely and attempting to roll over and out of them. When he was with Rachel, she sometimes put him on his belly so he'd push off and they often laughed because he looked like he was doing little pushups.

When Asher was three months old, it was mother's day and Judy came over. Gerard and Jeremiah watched Asher, and the three women went to lunch and then for pedicures. Judy wasn't exactly nice to Rachel, but she seemed to understand her and when she found out how Shelby wasn't even involved in her life, she seemed to take on the reluctant role of mother. It was easier, she was sure, because Rachel was sweet and polite.

She brought them to the movies, as planned, kissed them goodbye, and they went on their first official date. They held hands in the theater, Rachel's moist palm against hers, and they pecked at the small popcorn. It wasn't a dumb movie, but it was long and a little boring for both of them. Lima didn't get movies the way other towns did, meaning, immediately after release, but whatever was in circulation did eventually find its way to them. Sometimes, they even made it there early, such as with Avatar.

The woman at the ticketbooth had said it was like Pocahontas in space and it was, but there was a lot of it that was just plain boring. Rachel was generally a very good movie watcher, quiet and attentive, properly wowed at the appropriate parts, but Quinn would catch her nose wrinkling and her eyes rolling. The graphics were phenomenal, even in 2-D because 3-D gave them both headaches, but the storyline bored them.

Quinn was also distracted by her sore breasts. She was breastfeeding Asher because all the recalls on baby formula during her pregnancy had freaked her out a little and breastfeeding helped new mothers lose weight. Quinn was also working out because she wasn't comfortable being large, even if Rachel assured her that she would be absolutely perfect no matter what size she was. She was only about twenty pounds heavier, now, than before Asher was born and almost all of it was in her breasts and hips, making her full figured. Of course Rachel wouldn't have any complaints when Quinn looked like that.

Still, she'd go jogging with her and AJ when Quinn went jogging and she spotted her when she tried weight training – she genuinely liked it, it was a lot of fun and made her feel very powerful – and of course, she lost some of what little fat she had and her slender biceps were larger, so that when Puck came to visit, she'd say, "Look at my guns!" And show off her arms.

It was about the middle of the obscenely long movie when Quinn reached over and tapped Rachel's arms to whisper, "We brought the breast pump?"

Rachel dug through the book bag she carried with things she thought that they would need – including some duct tape, a needle and thread, Belgium milk chocolate, and a book – and shook her head, "I think we left it in the dishwasher."

The pressure was building and she wanted to rub them but she was afraid that it'd cause leaking.

Seeing she was uncomfortable and, after giving a quick look around to see that there was no one near them, Rachel whispered, "Don't move."

The brunette moved so that she was sitting on Quinn's lap and pushed her shirt and bra up. That was already a help, and she assumed Rachel was just going to block anyone's view of her braless figure, but then she felt warm lips attach themselves to her right breast.

"What are you doing?" She hissed, dumbfounded.

Rachel was giving gentle sucks, tentative, in a way, but Quinn felt her milk let down and the pressure soon eased up and then disappeared. Rachel adjusted herself so that her legs swung the other way and started sucking on her left nipple. She was a little more assured this time and the liquid came down almost immediately.

When she finished, Rachel put her bra and shirt back on correctly, sat in her seat with a little peculiar face, and then belched delicately.

It was altogether one of the most interesting things Quinn had ever experienced. There had been absolutely nothing sexual in Rachel's drinking, Quinn wasn't even aroused a hint, and Rachel looked like she was mainly trying to figure out what her milk tasted like.

That, above all that Quinn could think of, was caring.

Rachel would make somebody (hopefully her) very happy someday.

They both fell asleep as the movie continued and didn't realize it until they heard someone clapping at the end of the movie, and he hooped from the very top seats. Rachel rubbed her eyes, yawning, and turned around to give them a hateful look when her entire face lit up.

"Hello, Sam!" She scrambled up, swinging their bookbag of shared supplies onto her back.

He grinned at her, brushing blonde hair out of his eyes "Hey, Rachel!"

Rachel helped Quinn stand and the three walked down the theater steps. Sam was the boy from the café that she'd made friends with, the boy with the good taste in music, and he did look quite a bit like her. The two had an easy, friendly banter, and tried to include her but she wasn't a comic book fan or that into country music. Rachel wasn't even into country music, but her extensive knowledge of music came in handy. Sam's talk was cut short when a little blonde girl barreled towards him and he swung her up into a casual, one-armed hold.

He joined his family, waved goodbye, and the girlfriends walked to the Applebee's near the theatre.

Rachel splurged a little by getting the chicken fajitas sans chicken and Quinn ordered a steak dinner. They didn't get a lot of looks, which she was happy for, because she wasn't sure if she could actually handle that. People had been pretty nice to them so far, or at least ignoring them. Rachel cared less than she did, at least in capacity of herself, but worried about Quinn and how it affected her automatically.

About midway through their meal, Rachel left for the restroom. A woman at the table adjacent to their own said, in a perfectly calm and level voice, "You two are disgusting." She and who Quinn assumed was her husband got up from their table. There were only water glasses near their seats. Rachel returned and Quinn pretended that there leaving didn't bother her. She didn't tell her about the incident. It would not be the first time someone had dismissed them and they both now understood why Rachel's fathers left for their dates. Why they didn't leave Lima for good was another question.

Considering that Lima was tiny, they walked to Jeremiah's store. Quinn had only been inside a handful of times and found herself entranced with his murals and books each time. Some of it was new, but quite a bit more were used. His store was very popular with the students at the local university. They considered him funny and very cool.

Jeremiah was sitting up front with Asher, pulling and pushing his little chubby legs.

He saw them and smiled at his grandson. "Look, AJ," He said, turning him to see them. "Your mommies are back!"

Asher cooed and reached for them. Quinn picked him up first, kissing his pink cheeks and Rachel was given a wet kiss loaded with drool. She giggled at the action, the then took him from Quinn and ran her fingers through his curls. His hair had the same curls on Rachel's natural hair. When Rachel pulled her hand away, some of his hair came away as well.

"Papa," She called, worried. "Papa, look, his hair."

Jeremiah took a look and rolled his eyes. "His face," He said. "He's about the right age. His hair will fall out and his adult hair texture and color will grow in."

Jeremiah was correct. Before the month was out, Asher's thin white-blond hair, reminiscent of Quinn, fell out, replaced quickly by thick, black ringlets. His eyes had also darkened. They seemed even greener then before and, when her mother held him, she could see that resemblance. Just her mother probably would not have been enough, but Shelby also had green eyes. Luckily, they were too dark to remind anyone of her. She was especially happy for Rachel's sake.

They took Asher to regionals and, although they lost, and she knew Rachel would be upset, there was next year for New Directions, announced at the end of the spring semester. Asher had a little suit that he looked adorable in and posed with pictures with the entire group, and especially with his mommies.

It was June when she was pulled aside by Judy and she said, "Your grandparents have agreed to take you. They're coming next week."

Her plan was coming to fruition and she was suddenly nervous. She was really leaving Lima; her life; her Rachel. It would just be her and AJ, her darling son, in this new world. Russell had not acknowledged her but surely his parents superseded his own disappointment.

Gerard and Jeremiah left on their date the night before she left. Since finding out it was only temporary custody, granted with her parents permission as long as they felt was appropriate, her permanent custody would be given to her grandparents until she came of age. Asher was also, technically, under their care until she was eighteen.

Rachel was watching her pack. She'd told her that she was going to stay the weekend at her parents house but Quinn always packed heavily so she didn't pay that any attention. She had been babbling about movies and books but now was sitting on the bed, occasionally tossing clothes in as Quinn gestured and made general phrasing towards what, exactly, she wanted.

When she finished, she put the bag near the door and checked on Asher. He was asleep and his bag was packed as well. It was, ostensibly, so that he could finally meet her father.

Quinn retreated to the room she shared with Rachel and climbed into bed. Rachel was warm and smelled good, like softness and soap.

She snuggled against her back, then, sneakily stuck one hand over her waist. She grasped Rachel firmly, her penis curved to fit perfectly in Quinn's palm, but straightened and thickened as she touched her.

"Quinn," Rachel sighed in contentment, and turned. Quinn kissed her hungrily. She would never know when the next time she saw Rachel was, and now, her desire consumed her. She wanted just one more piece of Rachel, as greedy as she was. She wanted sweetness and lightness and for Rachel to have this last good memory.

"I adore you," She said into her mouth, as they rolled over until Rachel was on top.

"I love you," She said into her mouth, when they were naked, and held one another tightly. Rachel couldn't hear her but the words were out, were said, existed. They were true, of course. Quinn wasn't sure if she could love well, if ever she could love someone in a healthy manner, if she could love at all, really, but the feelings evoked by Rachel hurt her and marked her and left flowers in their wake, so surely that was love, or something like it.

She loved being under Rachel like this. Her unflagging, steady hips, the greedy mouth and bright eyes – such brave eyes – her kissed and well-bitten lips, her smooth shoulders and pretty biceps were all on display, were all Quinn's to hold and embrace and to never, ever forget.

Rachel always made her orgasm and it happened again, as she bit her shoulder to keep her squeaks silent, tasting vanilla and sour apples on her skin. Rachel bit her back and she wondered what she tasted like, in the vastness of her orgasm, but then Rachel was slowing, stopping, and kissing her bruise before they curled together.

It was a warm, summer day and sunlight was coming in, turning Rachel into a statue. "I love you," She said again, to the still creature. The brunette rolled onto her back, a brown nipple appearing on her golden torso. She kissed Rachel's forehead, softly, and pulled her note from her bag. She'd slipped it in with her Siken book, the one from so long ago, and now, their first real humane connection would be her last, on the back of Schadenfreude.

She took her son, sleepy and grasping her with his tiny little fists, and then their bags, to the car awaiting for them.

His pretty green eyes blinked open and he babbled to her.

"It's you and me now, AJ," She said, and if she cried, neither of her grandparents said anything about it at all.

Dear Rachel,

I'm sorry I left you like this. I'm sorry I let you get attached and fall in love and then left you. I'm writing this as I leave, AJ asleep next to me. When he wakes up, he's going to cry for you, like he always has before. He's so much your son already, even if you say he looks mostly like me.

One day he's going to ask about you and I won't know what to say.

"Your father was a beautiful girl with truthful eyes. Your father smiled and the entire room turned into starlight. Your father made love to me like it would save me. Nothing could save me but myself."

I think that if I'd have stayed, I'd have made you miserable. You would never have said anything but I would see it and my self-loathing would grow each moment, seeing those far off lights in your eyes. You were made for the stage, you know. You are bigger than anything life could have afforded you. Your voice made me fall in love with you when we were nine years old.

"Your father made angels jealous, her voice was so wonderful."

I feel guilty for taking him but guilt has consumed me so much for so long that it has become second nature. I decided to leave you on your birthday, when I saw what you were like with other people. How much brighter, how less burdened. You never had friends and it was my fault. I stole your first kiss and then I was selfish enough to love you. I think that's what this is, at the least. I hunger for you, I want you, I hurt you, I-I-I. You once told me to be selfish – not with your words but with your eyes, your face, your soft hands. I have become selfish but can't stop myself now. I am selfish to take this part of you and me, and I am selfish to take myself from you, and I am selfish to have fucked you last night until every part of you was soft and putty in my hands. I was selfish to let you get up this morning and cuddle Asher and sing to him so softly that he put his head down on your shoulder and yawn and show his toothless gums like he was smiling at you. That will be your last memory of him and he may never see you again.

"Your father loved you so much that he named you after a boy who followed his dreams and his talent, rather than what his parents wanted."

You read 'My Name Is Asher Lev' to him after I read 'East of Eden' and I think he loves you more for it, even if he doesn't know it yet. It was a better book. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except that I'm sorry and I love you and I'm sorry that I loved you and bullied myself inside of you and then pulled away when you thought maybe, just maybe, you could wrap your arms around me and I'd be okay, one day, somehow. I don't know if I will ever be okay or if one day I will see you and everything will come rushing back. I hope it doesn't.

There I am, being selfish again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being useless and wrecked and sorry. I am turning into my father and I won't allow you to turn into my mother, even if it is all in my head.

You taught me about cinematic masterpieces and what would make a classic a classic, how it was possible to feel everything and nothing at once. You have become my classic; bubbling laugh, derisive snort, hands on guitar strings.

I think this is overly dramatic. I'm messing up, trying to put things in their proper places, in places where nothing exists.

Just know this – I love you and I did this for you.

Quinn