.
"And I've lost who I am and I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken...
There's a light, there's a sun,
taking all shattered ones
to the place we belong,
and this war's not over."
When John lost Sherlock, he had lost a bit of himself. He knew that, and yet it still surprises him how very true it is.
The nightmares revisit and the limp comes back. His hand shakes and he experiences a panic attack that he hasn't had in years.
He wonders if Sherlock is fairing any better than him. Must be. John believes in the afterlife, believes in miracles and all that, so he thinks that Sherlock's in a better place, that he's... happy, John supposes. As happy as a man who had been forced to commit suicide could be, anyway.
He's somewhere where he fits in, where he's happy, properly happy, without the need for cases or drugs or guns. He doesn't need to handle the craving for nicotine patches or silence anymore. Sherlock probably has everything he wants right now.
It makes John happy, he guesses. He doesn't exactly know how to feel. He knows that he cared about Sherlock, cared about him a lot... and he always thought that Sherlock cared about him, too. He thinks he does, still would if he could, but he's gone. There's no point in questioning it.
But John wonders if Sherlock hurt when he was standing on that rooftop, ready to jump off. Even if someone was making him do this, which they had to be. He had to do it for some reason but Sherlock, a man who lived without regrets... had he been hurting?
It's a stupid question.
Just like it's stupid that he thinks people won't believe the drivel from that bitch Riley or whatever her name was. Of course people will believe. They already do. Sherlock's a fraud in everybody else's eyes and John won't make them believe. He wishes he could, but he can't. He never will.
So, he's just going to have to deal with that. Deal with the ramifications of the gossip that people spread. Deal with the ramification of Sherlock's death.
It hurts like hell, the first step.
But John has to take it, because if he doesn't, no one will.
"Yesterday, I died.
Tomorrow's bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight."
Song: Shattered by Trading Yesterday.
Disclaimer: I do not own the song or Sherlock. As always, respective rights to their own owners. One week until the premiere!
The first step is always the hardest.