I let my head fall on the desk as I feel a burning sensation in my eyes. I mustn't cry. I will not cry. Everything is going to be just fine, I just have to make myself believe these lies that keep me alive. Lies that stop me from jumping in front of a train or something.

I don't want to make you feel bad for me. My life hasn't always been like this. I have had my share of happiness, but I assume that since everything needs to be in balance and harmony, now it's the time to get my share of sorrow and despair. And anger.

However, let me tell you everything, the breaking point and how I ended up there:

"Vivienne! Viv! Are you there?" Matt shouts loudly before he spots me in the corner of his eye. I curse at him, shutting my bedroom door with a loud slam and then locking it. I hear his footsteps as he rushes towards the room I'm in. "Go away!" I mutter trough the door, fighting against the tears.

"Viv, c'mon babes! Don't run away from me, please!" His voice sounds just slightly sad, mostly just annoyed. How come does he think that he has any right to be annoyed with me?

I don't say anything. I let my body collapse against the grey door and I close my eyes. My head keeps throbbing and I hit my forehead with my palm to make it stop. Every time I squeeze my eyes shut, unpleasant images fill the scenario before my eyes.

"Stay away from me", I mutter angrily. "But babes, I need to talk to you! Babes!" he shouts. "I said GO AWAY!" I scream as hard as I can and squeeze my eyes shut tighter, gaining more confidence to hurt him from the images of him and that pretty blonde, snuggling and kissing on our bed.

"I.. I can explain this." I open my eyes and let out a frustrated growl. "No, Matt. You've already said too much. I don't want to talk with you, ever again. This one you simply cannot explain", I whisper dryly, my voice cold. "Get out of my house, take your crap with you, and leave me be. Leave me alone!" I burst out crying, trying to control the tears. But, once I've started to cry, I really can't stop. I bite my fist, denying him the pleasure of hearing me cry.

"Okay, Viv. I get it. You're just a bit mad at me. It's fine. I'll give you some time and some space to do some thinking. You'll get around, you see. I'll see you in a day or two, Viv. Call me if you need something." He tries to sound so innocent and sweet. I almost can't believe his words. Do I need to remind him that we're in the middle of a fight right now?

"Matt", I whisper. My heart is already so broken. I can't feel anything anymore. I'm just.. numb. I inhale and force my lips to form the right words.

"I fucking loved you! I trusted in you! I needed you.. I.. I thought you were the saviour I needed! Fuck you, you arrogant selfish prick!" I shout so loudly that he clearly hears it. He inhales, shocked at my outburst, but I keep going: "When my parents died and I was broken, you walked into my life. But I see it now: I gave you my heart and the hell did I get in return? You used me, you emotionless jerk! Get the hell out of here before I call the cops!" He takes a step towards the door. "Don't you come here, Matt!"

He sighs, my words sinking in slowly. "Gee, what do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? I am, Viv!" He shouts back, frustration audible in his voice. "No, don't say anything." I squeeze my hands into balled fists and add coldly: "We're over, Matt."

"Don't do this, Viv", he whispers. Now I can hear a hint of pain in his voice. I almost feel bad for telling him to go but then I realise that it's his own fault. I haven't done anything. It's his fault, his and his only. "Matt", I whisper trough the door. I didn't realise he walked across the room, but now he's right on the other side of the door.

"Please, Viv", he whispers, begging. I can see his amber brown eyes, looking at me pleadingly but I refuse to believe that he's sorry. It's too late. He can't make it up anymore. I can't be his plaything any longer. I can't afford to believe that he's sincere and honestly sorry, because if he breaks my heart once again, I just wont cope. I'll simply just.. die. "I can't", I whisper, playing with a golden pendant he gave me a long time ago.

I prepare to let out the last words I'll ever say to him, hopefully. "Matt." I love you. "Go." My heart cries blood.

I hear him exhale loudly. Then, suddenly he bangs the door loudly with his fists. He's really pissed off right now. I sigh and fearfully cover my ears, curling myself into a small ball, my back feeling the power of his fists. "Fuck you, Viv! You are unbelievable. This is so shitty, Viv! It was an accident, okay? Fuck you. I deserve someone better than you", he whispers angrily and hits the door once again. "And guess what? I meant it when I said I loved you. But now, I don't think it was ever true. Go to hell, Viv, with your problems." Then he turns to leave and whispers: "I hope you find someone else whose life you can ruin. Guess what? Just go die, you bitch."

Then I hear his footsteps get distant as he walks out of my life, frustrated. I sigh, relieved, but I can't help the tears from falling. I'll miss him. For the last eight months, two weeks and three days he's been the light in my life. What am I going to do when all the light is gone? When I no longer have him with me? I don't really know.

I am frustrated, yes, but most of all I feel betrayed. I gave him everything I could give. I believed his words when he so sweetly told me he'd share my pain. Even though I try, the worst part is that I can't hate him and I'm afraid that one day I might just forgive him. No. I cannot. I must not.

The day my parents died in a fatal fire he was there for me. He allowed me to live at his place for some months. I've only spent a few weeks in my own house when we decided that we needed some time for ourselves and that I didn't need him to protect me from my own emotions that much any longer. I never wanted it to end like this.

I was only gone for two days. Matt said he'd live at my place so that I wouldn't need to sleep alone when I'd get home. But when I returned a day early and found him doing that blonde on the same bed he used to comfort me in, I just snapped. I remember screaming at that blonde. She was like a barbie doll, really. Blond hair, blue eyes, big breasts and flawless skin. Too much make up.

"And who are you?" I remember her asking. I grit my teeth at the thought. "I'm his girlfriend!" I feel bad for slapping him like I obviously did, but I don't regret opening the door and telling them both to go.

This morning he showed up here, trying to apologise something that only happened three days ago. I can't forgive him.

Here I sit, leaning on the door, wondering: Why am I alive anymore? Who needs me? Who wants me? No one does, I know it too well. I'm all alone. Yeah, I have a job but I rarely meet anybody. I didn't need anyone when I had Matt.

His last words echo in my ears. "Just go die". For a small moment I think that perhaps I should; Maybe I should actually die and do the world a favour.

I burst out crying and, unconsciously hit my head on the door. And again, and again. Physical pain seems to reduce the amount of mental pain. And I just have too much pain in me. I have to let it out or I'll just explode, I'm sure. But screaming doesn't do it anymore. I'm way beyond the point of just crying and then calming down and continuing my life normally. It's just bad. Everything is over, destroyed.

I keep crying and banging my head against the door until inviting darkness surrounds me. I slip into the unconsciousness, praying that I'll never need to open my eyes again.

The light wakes me and I groan. My head aches, like a hangover. I sigh and open my eyes. It's another day and I don't feel that bad anymore. I feel more independent because I made it trough the night without.. Without Matt. Yes.

I get up. I've obviously slept on the floor and my back feels sore. I try to crack it, but don't succeed. Still groaning, I open the door and do what I usually do in the morning.

I don't look like a person. My hair is a mess, I've cried and my make up is all over my face. My eyes are red and swollen. Not to mention, I don't really feel like a person, either.

I pick up a toothbrush and stare at my own reflection. What is wrong with me? Why does the fate hate me so much? I know there are people who don't have the picture perfect life, but mine sucks and blows, if that is possible. I shake my head at the thought, smiling tiredly and close my eyes.

Would my life be different if I had chosen differently in life? If I hadn't left the house that day, I'd be dead, so definitely then my life wouldn't exist anymore. Was the time spent with Matt worth it, worth the pain that down darkens my thoughts?

While brushing my teeth, lost in thought, I am suddenly interrupted by a familiar ringtone. I shoot a glare at the phone. Who could it be?

I rush towards the phone, fearing that it's him. My heart skips a beat as I take a look at the caller ID, my eyes half- closed. Luckily it's not Matt. It's an unknown number.

"Hi?" I ask, still fearing that maybe he's changed his number.

"Is this miss Greene, Vivienne Greene?" Says a voice, completely unknown to me.

"Yeah, it's me", I reply, wondering who'd call me today.

"I am Dr. Happer. I am sorry to inform you that Matthew Evans had an accident last night."

I blink a few times in confusion. "Oh", is all I manage. I don't know what to say. This is something I'd never have expected.

"Why'd you call me?" I whisper coldly.

"Mr. Evans has been asking for you ever since he arrived." His voice sounds surprised. Well, Matt has probably lied to him that I'm his girlfriend and he wants to see me.

However, I assume there's only thing I can possibly do. "I'm coming over", I say and rush to get dressed. It's Matt, and I can't let him die without saying goodbye. Not that he'd die, he's too stubborn for that.

Maybe two minutes later I'm sitting in a bus, on my way towards the hospital. Since when did I want to see him this badly? Never, I assume, but the part in me that still loves him, is stronger than the part that hates him right now.

The bus stops and I step outside. The hospital is just on the other side of the road. I play with my necklace nervously, praying that he's still alive when I get there. I have to see him. Then I can be mad at him again. He just doesn't have to die, even though we aren't together anymore!

I don't notice the black figure in the corner of my eye before it's three meters away from me. I manage to lift up my hands to cover my face. The golden necklace falls in the ground as the van hits me. I don't really have enough time to see anything, but I can feel grass underneath my body moments before I black out, horror glued to my face. Matt! I have to make it on time!