Chapter 2: Oh, the Troubles with Clothes

Cloud woke up, and found he was still in Tifa's room.

"Shit! We didn't switch back! I should've guessed that we wouldn't!" He sat up, and shook his head, long black hair waving back and forth gently with each shake.

He stood, and nearly fell over, because his breasts gave an odd lurch as he stood.

"I hate these things! They're fun to look at, but they suck to actually have... How the hell does she put up with them?" He inwardly cursed that he had to switch with Tifa of all people.

"Why couldn't it have been Yuffie? At least then I wouldn't have to put up with breasts!"

He staggered to the bathroom, and got to the toilet. He reached down to unzip his fly but found that there wasn't one in the shorts he wore.

"Oh god! I hate this!" He thought, as he pulled down his pajama shorts, to find that he was wearing a black thong.

"Christ! She wears these?" He said out loud, shocked at the discovery he made.

He pulled it down, and found that he didn't have his parts either.

"I miss Mr. Happy..." He thought, looking sadly down at his privates.

"How the hell do I deal with this?" He thought, looking down at the mass of hair in his pubic area. He sat down on the toilet and went, feeling relieved.

When he finished, he stood, and pulled up the thong.

"I'm a guy, who's become a female, who likes to wear thongs... Just great." He thought, leaving the bathroom to run into himself.

"Cloud!" Tifa whispered furiously, looking at him in a slightly panicked manner.

"What?" He said, looking up from the ground, mourning the loss of Mr. Happy.

Tifa pointed to a bulge in her pj shorts, and exclaimed.

"What the hell is wrong with it? It's been like this for like two hours! How do you sleep with a pole in your pants?" She said quietly, in a tone that betrayed her loathing of Mr. Happy, and his antics.

"Well..." Cloud flushed a shade of bright red, and shook his head.

"What? What do you do to fix it?" She pleaded quietly, begging Cloud to tell her.

"I um... You know..." He said, and then he motioned with his hands.

"YOU DO THAT!?" Tifa whispered, unable to believe that Cloud could do such a thing.

"Well... Yeah..." He replied, his face getting redder.

The conversation was interrupted by a door swinging out into the hall and Yuffie walking out looking like she just woke up, her short black hair sticking up in odd places.

"'Morn." She mumbled, walking almost zombie like into the bathroom.

"Good morning." Tifa said, smiling.

Cloud nodded, and turned back to Tifa.

"Cloud...? What's with you being so chipper in the morning?" Yuffie asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes to rid them of the grit from sleeping.

"Uh... I slept well?" Tifa said, fumbling to recover herself.

Yuffie grunted, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

"Nice one! You almost blew it on the first try!" Cloud complained in an undertone, jabbing Tifa in the shoulder with a long finger.

"OW!" Tifa exclaimed, holding her shoulder, and looking pissed at Cloud.

"If you weren't me... I'd deck you!" She said in a threatening tone, holding a thin arm up, her hand balled into a fist.

Cloud looked happy that he had not gotten punched, knowing Tifa's punches felt like bullets.

Tifa gave Cloud a disapproving look, and then said, "We should get dressed..."

She turned from him, and walked away, heading to Cloud's room. Cloud watched after her, and decided that it would be best if he got dressed. He grunted, and turned to Tifa's room, walking in and shutting the door.

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Tifa opened up Cloud's dresser, and found a bunch of SOLDIER outfits crammed into it. She grimaced, hating the ugly blue and grey clothes, even if they made Cloud look damn sexy.

She pulled out a shirt, pants and a pair of black socks, and put them on. She made a note that she'd have to help expand Cloud's wardrobe once this odd experience had run its course.

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Cloud on the other hand was not having such an easy time of getting dressed.

He stood in the middle of the room, struggling to figure out how to put on a bra, and found that it was difficult to even understand the garment, let alone put it on. Finally, he gave up, tossing the large cupped bra into the corner of the room, opting to not wear one at all.

"How do they wear these things? I seriously don't get how women even put up with them... Well, better get a shirt and pants on." He thought, opening up Tifa's closet.

What he found in it made him want to hide.

He couldn't make himself wear any of the shirts she usually wore, the ones that made her 'pop out' as Cid liked to say. He searched her entire closet, finally dragging out the only decent shirt that Tifa owned, an ugly pea green shirt with orange stripes running horizontally around it. He slid it over his head, and pulled it over his chest, the soft fabric caressing his skin, making him shiver.

"What's that feeling? It was... nice." He thought, looking at himself in the mirror, and nodding, even thought the shirt was too small for him.

He routed through her pants, and found a pair that didn't cling to his body, making him feel like he had paint on pants, and nodded at the horridness that was his clothing.

"This isn't a typical Tifa, but I can make an excuse..." He thought, looking at the pea green shirt with orange stripes, and the dark green and blue plaid pants that where two sizes too big for Tifa's wide hips.

He nodded one last time, and opened the door, to find Tifa standing there.

Tifa stared at Cloud, her eyes full of horror as she witnessed the sight that stood before her.

"What... the hell... are... you... WEARING?!" Tifa asked finally, shoving Cloud back into her room, and slamming the door.

Cloud gave her a confused look, and waited as Tifa talked herself hoarse about the monstrosity of the clothes he chose to wear.

"Cloud Strife your sense of fashion continues to kill me. First I find that you only have SOLDIER uniforms, and then you come out looking like a clown from a frat party! And you're not even wearing a BRA! How do you expect to make it look like you're me, if you don't even dress like I do!? How do you expect to be able to do anything with your chest bouncing around like a gymnast? Tell me... How is it that you don't know that those colors make me look horrid? I NEVER wear those colors, and these clothes came from my aunt Susie! I don't wear ANYTHING that she sends me! She has an abomination of a fashion sense! Tell me yours is better?" She said, without so much as a hesitation between words,

"And you didn't even brush your hair! Look at the snarls in it! You must thrash around like a dying fish while you're asleep! Goodness, just because you go around looking like you've got a chocobo on your head, doesn't mean that I want to look like that too!" She cried pointing at the state of mess her normally beautiful hair was in.

Cloud just looked taken aback, as Tifa rushed forward, and began to remove the clothes he had on, practically ripping off the pea green shirt in contempt.

"Now... I'll help you dress properly, seeing that you have no clue how to dress yourself. First I'll show you how to put on a bra..." She said, and then stopped suddenly, as a strange feeling crept into her mind.

"Wow is he sexy when he's me... The way he tries to modestly hide his chest behind his arms... Wow... I didn't know I could look so adorable!" She thought, making a mental note to try this on someone when she was herself again. She gave Cloud a grin, and patted him on the shoulder.

Cloud gave her a weird look, stepping back slightly, and looking down at the bra.

"Do I have to wear one?" He complained, looking back at her for an answer.

"Hell yes you do! I don't want premature sagging! I'm too young to look like a grandma!" Tifa snapped, her voice deeper and louder than she had intended.

"Let the whole place know why don't you!" Cloud said, slapping one hand on his hip, in a decidedly Tifa manner.

Tifa looked at him, and then broke out laughing.

"It looks like you might be okay if you keep that up!" She said as she bent and picked up the bra from the corner.

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After thirty minutes of struggling, Cloud got the basic idea of how to wrangle a bra on.

He stood, gazing hatefully at the bountiful bosom that now wobbled in unison, instead of in random directions, but he had to admit that the bra did help him with his balance.

"Now let's do your shirt... I've got a great one for today! It's supposed to be hot out, so I decided that I'd try one of my summer shirts." She said gaily, as she took out a black tank top, with a low cut neckline.

"This should do nicely!" She said, tossing Cloud the top, as he stared in horror.

"This thing is WAY too small! How do you wear them?" He whined as he put the shirt on,

"I just do Cloud... Stop complaining and put it on!" She replied.

Cloud glanced at himself in the mirror, and almost fainted.

"I'm too sexy... TOO SEXY!" He thought miserably, waiting for Tifa to give him some pants.

"Here, take these!" She said, tossing the pants over his shoulder, and smirking.

Cloud gaped at the pants when he saw how tight they where.

"You want me to... wear these?" He gasped, as Tifa nodded yes to his question.

He put them on silently; cursing all of the forms of God he could come up with, for their morbid sense of humor.

When he had finished, he could barely breath, as he found the true meaning of 'hip hugger' pants.

Tifa gave Cloud an appreciative once over, and slapped him on the butt.

"You're ready to face the world my friend." She said, grinning at how evil she was being.

"You really... want me to... go down... looking like this?" He gasped, clutching at his waistband to try and loosen it.

"Yup!" She said, opening the door slowly, and checking to see if anyone else was in the hall. No one was, so she strode quickly from her room, and went downstairs, leaving Cloud to contemplate his new attire.