Letting go

part I

Year Zero: Summer +2 weeks

"Hello Joel, come on in," Maria said with a smile as I walked into her office at her and Tommy's home. Maria and her father, Kevin, were for all intended purposes, the only function government here in Jackson, Wyoming; and Maria was more or less in charge of the day to day activities of the town. Her father was more like the old time mayors, he had the vision of how the world should be run and she brought that vision to life. Neither of them were tyrannical dictators like in the Zones but neither did they govern under the system that I grew up believing in. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

"Morning Maria," I nodded politely as I waved off the offered drink. "None for me, thank you but don't let me stop you." The 'tea' wasn't the same thing as it was 20 odd years ago. This was made from a local root, sassafras tree as a matter of fact, and it was just as weak to my taste as the other tea people would drink. Tea has never my drink of choice anyways, coffee always gave me enough kick to get me moving. God, I miss coffee. "I'm kind of surprise you wanted to see me. I figured if you needed me for anything, you would wait until tonight when Ellie and I come over for supper."

"Well, it kind of does have to do with dinner tonight," she said after taking a sip of her tea.

"If you're going to cancel, you could have sent a note," I said with a grin.

"Are you joking? Ellie deserves one night off from feeding your face," Maria joked as we both sat down at her desk. "No, there is something I want to discuss with you first. Speaking of Ellie, how is she been adjusting?"

"She is doing just fine," and that is all she needs to know. Sister-in-law or not, ruler of Jackson or not; what goes on with Ellie is mine and her business alone unless Ellie decides to tell her. The only exception to that was, of course, the Fireflies. I lied to Ellie, and I hope she never finds out that I did, but Maria and Tommy had to be told the truth. Just in case, they ever found us. In case, anyone decided they want to try to kill Ellie again.

"Is she keeping herself busy?"

"Yes," I answered a bit more guarded this time. I don't know why but I am starting to get the feeling I am not going to like where Maria is going with this here meeting. "She is helping me fix up the house, decorating her room; plus finding herself new books to read and practicing her archery skills."

Jackson is a tourist town; back when thing were not completely shitty, people would come from around the country to see the Yellowstone park and all its geysers. There were cabins, hunting lodges, motels, camping grounds for those who drove big motor homes and pretended to be ruffing it. The stores and ranches around the area were geared towards providing the tourist with things to 'enhance' their wilderness experience, not to provide an easily bored, mischievous, fifteen year old little girl material to decorate her room. Yet, somehow, Ellie had found some posters of singers and movie from day long gone to grace the walls of her room and books to line her modest bookshelves. She also found bits of artwork, mostly from the motels in the area, to give the house some life.

The more I am around Ellie then more proud I am to have her around.

"Wait, she wasn't caught in the restricted part of town again, was she?" That would explain why I was here now instead of waiting for dinner.

"No," Maria snorted. "She is not in trouble Joel, if that is what you are worried about. Although, I'd love to know exactly how she gets past the electric fence." Maria then gave me a fishy stare, "you taught her too well how to be sneaky and how to avoid answering direct questions."

"Sneaky part I'll take credit for. She needed to learn it to survive but the avoiding direct answers to adults' questions? Na, I think that is something all teenage girls just seem to know how to do."

"I'm sure my dad would agree with you," Maria smiled at some memory of hers own. "She did seem particularly proud of your little armory when I talk to her last."

"She put in a lot of work in there," I shrugged my shoulders. Ellie had assembled a work bench we use to clean, repair and build the weapons and tools we use to protect ourselves. Even though it annoys me to no end that Ellie was just as good at building bombs as I was, I just couldn't bring myself to stop her.

There are somethings little girls should not have to know.

Together, we build some gun racks for the few pistols, shotguns and hunting rifles we acquired in our travels. We also had a rack to hold lead pipes and steel bats with various size shivs attached to them.

Sometimes, you need to bring a knife to a gun fight, especially when you don't have much ammo to waste.

An old filing cabinet served as a storage unit for our limited ammunition. I also re-enforced the window but did it in a way that made it look like any other window found in an ordinary home. The dead bolt and lock on the door was just for show as well, there was a switch on the top of the door frame that we both can reach that released the door for us to enter. I kept the flamethrower in the room as well but stored the jell-gas charges with the bombs and alcohol bottles out in the garage.

At least, Ellie is willing to go along with my restrictions about her using the flamethrower. Personally, I think it has more to do with her distaste for setting people on fire then any other reason. To protect herself, to protect me; she will burn people and Infected … she has burned others to protect me. The look of disgust and horror on her face never went away no matter how many times she had to do it; no matter how many times she watched me do the same. Which is fine with me, I have damaged her enough, destroyed too much of her humanity, as is; it would kill me if she lost it all.

"Yea, she is quite proud of it," Maria chuckled, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I'm surprise you haven't put in a shooting range in your basement yet." I've learned over the years when dealing with people in authority, whether they be military or your sister-in-law, sometimes silence is the best answer. I'm just waiting to see if the range they were rebuilding in the county jail house was both safe enough and muffed enough noise to be used in our basement. We live pretty damn close to the fence line, I don't want to attract any unwelcome attention, from either side of the line. "Although, given how well she did in that archery competition we had couple days ago, you don't have to worry about her wasting ammo."

"She was damn proud how well she did," I said with a touch of pride. Ellie had told me she was good with a bow at the start of our cross country journey. At the time, I figure it was just teenager talk, pretending to be good at something to seem more important then they really were. My hand slipped to my side, I could still feel the scar that will be visible to the day I die. During those months that she care for me, she proved beyond any doubt, that it was no teenage talk. She is as deadly with that bow as anyone else I have ever seen, she could take down a deer at a hundred feet by putting one in its eye. She could pick off an Infected running full speed at me. Then I let some of my irritation show through my words, "Of course, nothing made her prouder or happier then it was to spend time around kids near to her own age."

"Joel," Maria wasted no time snapping back, "we have been over this before … this case is a special one and we all had to make some adjustments ..."

"Ellie is not a 'special case', Maria. Ellie is a lonely, little girl, who is forced to spend most of her time around a old man who is old enough to be grandfather because of these 'adjustments' ..."

"Adjustments that are best for everyone Joel ..."

"It killing her, Maria. She claims that she is happy she isn't in school but I know she is lying! After everything she has been through," after everything I put her through I added silently to myself, "she deserves a chance of having a normal life."

"A normal life? Ellie?" Maria let out a small, bitter, chuckle. "We like to dream here Joel, but let's not get delusional. Forget about Ellie's 'special circumstances' ..."

"Her infection," I snapped, trying hard not to lose my temper. Ellie is safe here in Jackson, I am not going to get us kick out over this. If Ellie ever came to me and decide on her own that she had no home here then we will move on. But it had to be her choice, not one made for her by something I might have done.

"Let's forget about Ellie's infection for a moment," Maria added without much hesitation. She raised her left hand while using her right to tick off her points. "She traveled with you across this rotting husk of a country facing horrors that would leave many people weeping in a corner and begging for a bullet. Most of the children we have had to travel less then 500 miles in larger groups to get here, usually without seeing so much as a wolf let alone Infected. Ellie has not only seen every kind of Infected known but she has successfully fought them off. Not to mention bandits, sick freaks who practice cannibalism; Joel, Ellie has a higher kill rate then three quarters of the men in this town. She scares half of the town ..."

"Give me a break," I snapped.

"It's true Joel ..."

"She just a little girl, damn it Maria ..."

"No, Joel. You see her as a little girl! My dad, Tommy and I see her as a blossoming, young teenage girl with cute freckles. A red head, pony tail wearing, perpetual motion machine disguised as young woman that can still express such joy and wonderment about the world around her, even after everything she has suffered thru. Others in this town, Joel … seriously, the other in this town see Xena the warrior princess walking around main street!" Maria put her palm against her head as she looked down and slowly shake it, as she added. "Don't get me started on that gutter mouth of hers."

"Okay, so is that any reason to leave her out," I wasn't even going to try to defend Ellie's more choice ways of expressing herself. I know a losing cause when I see one.

"If it wasn't for her infection, no." Maria said quietly but firmly while looking me straight in the eye. "But Joel, put yourself in the parents' shoes for a minute. Imagine if Ellie wasn't the one we were talking about. What if you didn't know if she was immune? Would you really risk your future on a what if?"

"I can't be objective about this," I said softly. If it wasn't Ellie they were talking about … if it was Sarah instead who was clean and Ellie want to be her friend … I knew the answer. I knew in my heart how I would react and I hated myself for it.

"I would be more worried about Ellie if you could be," Maria said, softening her tone as well. "Look, you guys have only been here three months; despite her shortcomings, and her colorful use of the English language, most of the town really like the kid. She has a certain charm to her that makes it hard not to like her."

On that point I could only nod, she did have a way about her, no doubt about that. I tried earnestly to keep my 'cargo' at arm's length at the beginning but the harder I tried, the more miserably I failed. In twenty odd years since I lost Sarah, no one has so completely decimated the barriers around my heart as Ellie.

"There is another thing you need to know, Joel." She stopped as if to bracer herself from a coming summer storm. I was right, I am not going to like where this little talk was going to lead too. "First, I need you to understand that I really like Ellie, so does Tommy and my dad; she is much family to us as you are. I want her to have a normal life as well, I want all the children in my town to have what I never got, a chance to grow old without worrying that their families or themselves could die at any moment. In that sense, thanks to you, she has a chance, it's small but it's there, of living without fear. But normal, no sorry, that chance is long gone. That chance died before you arrived ..."

"Don't maker her suffer for my mistakes," I said cutting her off.

"Joel, that chance died before you even met her." Where I was getting hot and angry, she was getting cold and calm. "Any hope Ellie had at a happy, normal, life died the day she survive that runner's attack. And there is nothing that you or I or anyone else can do to change the fact that God or Fate or whatever you want to call it; gave her a bum rap. But that how life is you know, you never get to have door 'A' and door 'B'. You can have one or the other, no matter which one you chose one the other is closed for ever after."

"I don't believe that, Maria. I've seen what your dad, you and Tommy are building here; I know in my heart that this is the best place for her. That is why I brought her here! It is here in Jackson, she can have a have it all; happy and normal! She could if you would just let her!"

"I agree," Maria said just as calmly and collectively as before. "Bring her back to Jackson was your best option. Not to sound like I'm toting my own horn, but we've built something pretty special here. But I need you to understand something important Joel," she continued as I got up from my seat and began pacing the small office. There must be someway to give Ellie everything she wanted … what she deserved. "What you want for Ellie, what we all would love to give her is not possible ..."

"What if I leave her here and I go away?" Did I sound desperate? Possibly, but I was desperate.

"Damn it Joel, you pig headed idiot," now Maria stood up and let her anger out. "Don't you dare try anything like that! Don't you dare destroy that girl like that, again! What do you think Ellie would do? Do you think she will just say, 'Gosh, Joel knows what is best for me, I'll just stay here without him.' and that will be it? For the love of God, Joel; neither of us can get her to stop crossing to the outside when she gets bored. Imagine what she can do when she is really motivated. We both know if you sneak out of here, she will hunt you down. She will follow you to the ends of the world, if needed, to be with you." Maria pinned me with her most intimated stare as she went on, "or to strangle your fool neck for leaving her, it's even money right now which way she would go. And if she doesn't kick your ass for hurting her, I will for hurting her and your brother as well."

"I can talk to her, make her understand ..." I said while she just lower her head, shaking it slowly.

"You don't get it Joel. You see yourself as this evil, irredeemable, corrupting force that is slowly poisoning her soul ..."

"Are you so sure I am not," I whispered out.

"Whether you think you are or not, what anyone else thinks, doesn't matter Joel. Because to her, you are this knight in shinning armor, who can do no wrong, who will always be there for her."

"She knows better then that, she knows I am no hero; not after the things I have done, not after the thing she has seen me do to survive."

"Intellectually, logically; I would say you are right. If you are just talking about the brain; the heart, on the other hand, doesn't use logic. The heart tells her how much you care for her, how much you love her. And it tells her how much you need her as well. Remember that old saying, 'love is blind'? It's true, you know, her love for you blinds her to some of the worst acts you do because she know the real Joel is in there somewhere wishing he didn't have to kill." I had no response as I turned away and leaned my forearm against the window sill, staring out across the valley that the town was located in. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Joel." She continued as she walked over to the window. "It's not fear that drove a fourteen year old girl to nurse you back from the brink of death, that was love; pure and simple. That love you have for her, the one which drives you to obliterate any one who dares to harm her, that love is in her veins too. She would do anything for you, do anything to make you smile, to make you happy. She will also do anything to save you Joel, destroy anyone who dares harm you; and may God have mercy on anyone's soul if they ever killed you. Because as sure as I am that the sun will raise in the morning, I know that she will not show any mercy to them. You know this, Joel, even if you refuse to admit to anyone else but yourself; you can see it in her. Tommy and I know it true, because we can see it in her green eyes every time she looks at you. The whole town knows it as well," she let out another small, bitter, chuckle. "Which is why she scares the hell out of them."

"Maybe," I mumble out after a long pause. Sighing while still looking out the window I added, "I just want what is best for her, to make her happy. I would do anything to make her smile, to keep her safe."

"I know," Maria answer just as quietly while laying a hand on my arm. We both stood there for a while, lost in our thought when she cleared her throat and continued on. "There is something else I need to tell you Joel. Something that you are not going to like but you have to trust me, okay. And if you don't trust me then trust Tommy because he agrees with me." I start to stiffen up, as automatic as breathing I slip into my 'protect Ellie' mode. I can feel her own hand tighten on my arm in response. "I need you to relax Joel and listen to what I have to say. Don't just hear what I am saying but really listen."

"Just get on with it Maria," I growled out.

"Joel, most of the town like her, as I have said she has a certain charm to her. But in every group there are exceptions to the rule."

"Is someone planning on hurting her," I said while twisting out of her grip.

"Don't be stupid Joel, if she scares half the town, you make the everyone here piss their pants. They know who taught her."

"Then what is going on?"

"A certain person has been trying to put a flea in people ears, about turning her over to one of the QZ, so they can use her to find a cure."

"Who!"

"It's none of your concern ..."

"Like hell it ain't!"

"We have it under control Joel."

"Bullshit!"

"Steven has been watching this individual since he found out about it."

I stopped raging for a moment. Steven was my first suspect, since he had been a member of the military ever since the Civilian arm of the government collapsed fifteen years ago. He and his wife, Dana, whom had been a member as well, defected from the Denver QZ shortly before it collapsed. Steven has been in charge of town security for about two years now, and is my boss when I do guard duty. Him and I didn't have much use for each other, probably never will, but if he is keeping an eye out for Ellie, I might be able to have a good word to say about him.

"He doesn't particularity like you but adores Ellie, especially since she spend so much time down by the wire. If that certain person tries to do anything to contact any of the QZ in this part of the country, he has my full support to 'discourage' any further action on that person's part."

"Okay," I was cooling down a bit, but now I had a new worry. I didn't reckon on having to protect her from anyone in town itself. Must be getting old, slipping.

"Speaking of Steven," Maria said while sitting on the edge of the front of her desk, arms fold over her chest. "Dana and him were both impress with her archery but he told me he got the impression that she was purposely holding back." She stared at me, as if waiting for me to answer. I just stare back, not wanting to give one. "Well, Joel, do you believe that she was or wasn't holding back?"

"I didn't ask her."

"Tommy warned me talking to you would be difficult," she mumble to herself while shaking her head. "I didn't ask you if you asked her, I want to know if you think she did?"

"Have you ever seen anyone kill a duck with a bow," I ask after a lengthy pause while remembering once particular sobering moment. When she was nodding, I added the punch line, "While it was in flight?"

"No shit," she said all slack jaw and disbelieve written over her face.

"If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't believe it either; not from a fourteen year old girl or boy for that matter. Takes years of practice to get that good. She is a natural. So did she purposely hold back, my guess is she did. Most likely, to avoid alienating herself further from the others her age."

"How … how far was the duck?"

"I don't remember exactly," I said while setting aside the question of who might betray Ellie. "We were somewhere near the Iowa and Nebraska border." I remember the day clearly now, I remember them flying low, across our nose from right to left. I was fingering my shotgun, thinking they were just … just … to far for a decent shot. "Ellie was carrying the bow that day, to give me a bit of a break. They were flying in front of us, didn't think I had a chance." I remember catching Ellie out of the corner of my eye, pulling back on the bow. I was about to snap at her, telling not to waste the time or the arrow. When she let it go, "Her track was perfect. She took out the second duck in the forward formation." I don't know who was more speechless, her or me. Her from excitement of making a shot and getting to prove to me she was useful or me from sheer shock. "It took about 5 minutes to find the duck, the arrow had snapped on impact but dang it if we didn't eat good that night." I let a smile cross my face for a moment as I added, "and she wouldn't shut up about it for a couple days either."

"She never told me about that," Maria said smiling as well.

"Ellie isn't much on bragging," I said truthfully. "Even when she has every right too." Maria nodded and shaking her head in amazement. I took a breath and brought us both back to reality. "So why is Steven not helping this 'unnamed' person? You would think he be all for them finding a cure?"

"His assessment of what the Military would do to Ellie isn't much different then the Fireflies tried to do And no, before you start barking; he doesn't know about Salt Lake. Only Tommy and I know and it is going to stay that way." She replied tiredly, "That doesn't change much through, eventually; if thing don't change around here, that person of interest will get people wondering if keeping Ellie here is the best option. You plant enough seeds and eventually you will bear fruit; or at least that what the farmers tell me, anyways."