Letting go

part II

"Joel, I might have an idea how we can nip this problem in the butt now before it gets worst. It will also give Ellie more of a stake in the future of this town. As well as give the people of this town a better reason to have her around." Maria took a long breath, letting it out slowly. "In order for this to work, I need your help the most of all."

"Just get to the point, Maria." I let out a sigh as well, I hate this long, round and about manner she was taking.

"I'm getting there Joel but I needed to lay out the problem for you as it is, not as we wish it would be, Okay."

"Fine," I snapped.

"First and most importantly, Ellie can be happy here, thanks to you, she has a shot at living a healthy, happy, long life. However, she is not nor will she ever be 'normal' as the other children in Jackson."

"Damn it Maria ..."

"Work with me Joel, for the sake of argument, would you agree she is beyond the others in her age group?"

"Maybe," it killed me to say even that much.

"And she has skills that surpass men and women twice her age ..."

"No!" I knew where she was going now, and there is no way I will agree to doing this to Ellie. "Don't you dare suggest what I think you ..."

"Joel, we need her skills on the fence line ..."

"No damn it! I brought her here to get her out of ..."

"We need more hunters, more people to go to other towns to scavenge more supplies ..."

"Haven't I done enough damage to her!" I screamed out.

"Joel, we need her as much as we need you." Maria whispered out after studying me for a minute or two. "I'm sorry but it is just the way things are, we can't have her in school. We can't have her running around all day without some purpose. You know as well as I do why she keeps sneaking out, she want to feel as if she was contributing to something. Tell me Joel, how much stuff does she bring back is more useful to you then her? Half? Three quarters? All of it?"

"She brings stuff for others in town, mostly;" this was the worst conversation I have had since … well … since Tess agree to the job. It was like being in quicksand, the more I fought against it the further I was getting sucked in.

"I know how much she means to you," Maria said in a warmer, softer tone. "I don't want anything bad to happen to her or have her do anything she would hate, like I have said she is family too. However, she is a natural at archery, you taught her how to find useful gear and she is bright kid with her head screw on tight. I am actually less concern about her being on the line then the other kids that would be join her in a year or two. I know that she can handle anything life throws at her … and because she has you to be there for her." Maria goes around behind her desk, returns to her seat and stares at some pictures on her desk. After a long moment, she sighs again, "I've talk to Steven. I laid out the ground rules for her, rules that only you and I, together, can overrule. She will not be allow at the main gate, day or night, or at the power plant even with you there. On days you are assigned to the power plant, she will be off duty."

I sat back down in the chair in front of the desk, shoulders slumped in defeat, listing to her talk. I just … just wanted her to be safe from the horrors of the world. And the fucking world just wouldn't let her be.

"When she is on the line, she is to be posted either near your work location during the day or near your house at night. When she leaves the wire, to go hunting or a salvage run; you and her will be assigned together."

I savagely nodded at those points, that was a given whether they like it or not.

"Steven is not happy about it, he likes to keep family apart in case things go bad. I know better, if things go bad, you two together have a better chance of surviving. Plus, I know damn well that neither of you would allow it anyways. Either you would follow her or she would you." Now she let a smile race across her face. "In your macho, 'I am male fear me' mentality,you keep forgetting that Ellie is just as worried about you as you are of her. Tell me Joel, how time during the night, when you are on patrol, do you see a light on in your house?"

I crossed my arms, looking around the room, not willing to answer. Shit, by that smile on her face my non-answer was answer enough for her.

"Yea, that is what I thought. Joel, even though you don't believe it, you are a good man. You are so concern with keeping Ellie safe and happy, you totally miss the fact that she is trying to do the same for you." She held up both of her hands and made a hushing noise, "no, don't say it. I know it is your job as you see it. You are the adult, that is your responsibility. Still, she is going to be adult soon as well as we use to reckon it, and taking care of you is something that she sees as her responsibility. You might as well get use to it now. Baby steps, you know." Maria gave me a smile full of memories, "my dad never really got use to me being an adult. Hell, I was just 15 when the world ended and he still acts like I am five some days."

"Speaking of your dad," I asked causally, "how does he like this little plan of your?"

If looks could kill, I would be on fire right now.

"To be honest," she said thru gritted teeth. "If there is anyone in town who hates the idea more then you do, it would be him."

"Yet ..."

"I said he hates it as much as you do but he also sees the positives of this plan. He knows in the long run, it is better for everyone. Still, he did add one condition."

"Which is ..." I held my breath, maybe there was a way out of this.

"My dad is very old school, Joel." She said after a pause, choosing her words carefully. "He was a Republican back when it meant something; hell, he use to listen to that one guy, Flush or Bush or something, I forget his name, on the radio everyday. He is big on personal responsibility, which is one reason he would like to see Ellie assume more of a role in town. He feels that she could be a great role model for those younger then her, and for those around her age as well. However, he is also very clear on the limits of my power, he will not allow me to force this decision on you or her. Especially you; since for all intent and purpose, you are her parental figure. If you say no, I can not over rule you."

"I see," and I did. If I said no here and now, she would have to wait until Ellie was eighteen before she could assign her any guard duty or let her leave the town. I could shield her for a bit longer but … sooner or later, the day would come when I would be helpless to stop her from leaving.

On the other hand …

On the other hand, I hate myself for thinking this but … this is Ellie's decision not mine. Ellie is … she is not Sarah. Ellie is a fighter, with skills and mind set that made it possible to survive in this world. As much as I would love to shield her from the horrors …

Sarah was a product of her time. She was a joyful, happy child who wouldn't know how or want to know how to build a pipe bomb. Sarah played soccer, hung out with her friends at the mall, dragged me to see stupid, sappy movies; she dreamed of her first kiss, her prom, going to college … her wedding day. Ellie is a joyful, happy child who enjoyed life as much as Sarah had but Ellie would rip out your throat if the need arose. Ellie dreams were a bit different as well, finding enough to eat, surviving to see another day … to be loved and to love.

Ellie not only had the skills to do the job … but more importantly … the maturity as well. Of all the differences between Sarah and Ellie, maturity was the most glaring. Ellie had to grow up way too soon.

"Now you know why I wanted to talk to you before dinner tonight," Maria said quietly.

"I … I have to give this some thought," I answered honestly.

"I understand," she smiled and glanced at the clock on her wall. "It's only 3:30, dinner will be at 7:00 sharp; why don't you take the rest of the day off. I'll let your boss know, so you won't get docked."

"Thanks Maria, we'll see you at 7:00 then."

I took the long route back to our house … our house … not my house but … shit. I hate this shit.

The whole reason I return to Jackson was to give Ellie a place where she could be safe, if I want her to be in consent danger I could've headed back to Boston. Of course …

It isn't like Ellie couldn't handle herself in a fight, she could and then some. Even before I allowed her to carry a gun way back in Pittsburgh, she would help me out in fights by throwing bricks, or bottles at the enemy to distract them. Sometimes … sometimes she even used her switchblade on the Hunters. Ellie always tried to help me when I got into jams … just like … a good partner should. Even when I rather her stay as far back as possible, sometimes even despite my wishes.

On the way home, my thoughts got interrupted by the school being let out. I glance at the gaggle of thirty children walking away from the home they refurbished to serve as the school. The little ones screamed and chased each other around as they head back to their families. The older ones, who had chores around the compound, walked slower but no less animated in their movements. The ones who were around Ellie's age had jobs at either the greenhouse or down at the cattle ranch, both located within the fence line. Of course, … Ellie wasn't allow to work there because of her … 'condition' … so … so she was still isolated from others her age no matter how you look at it.

Working at the line would at least give her the opportunity to meet others, older people but still it would be better then hanging around the house all day, with nothing to do … nothing to … live for.

When I got home, I could hear Ellie down in the basement, punching the large bag we had hanging down there. Letting out a sigh, I head down stairs, walking down the wooden stairs as quietly as I could. There she was, clad in a pair of shorts and muscle shirt, which is surprising considering how much she hates showing off her arms, pounding away at the bag and kicking it with her bare feet.

Ellie's generation, their bodies didn't mature as young as the girls did back in the day, probably due to the lack of food and harsher life style. I know Ellie hasn't grown more then a inch or so since I met her a year ago, the trip across the country definitely stunned her grow. But as I stood there watching her, I could see her muscles flexing and relaxing under the strain. She was very fit and stronger then the other girls her age here in town. I wouldn't be surprise she is actually strong then many of the girls her age back in the day. It made me sad knowing that no matter how much pride she had in her accomplishments, how tone and fit she became, it was all because it made her survivability more assured.

"So you just going to stand there without saying hi?" Ellie said without taking her eyes off her bag.

"You heard me?'

"Pftt, you are nosier then a bull in a chine shop." She gave me a quick smile as she finished up her routine.

"Like you know what a chine shop is," I said sitting down on the steps. "Anyways, it is 'like a bull in a china shop', which means you are clumsy. Nothing to do with being quiet."

"Whatever," she stuck her tongue out at me as she unwrapped the rags around her hands, and walking over towards me, "you're home early? Whats up?"

"I had a small chat with Maria about you ..."

"It wasn't my fault," Ellie snapped off quickly, more in a guilty 'hand caught in a cookie jar' tone then anything else. I didn't say anything, just giving her that look as she nervously played with the rags in her hands. I knew she won't last long, "Look; Brett, Charlie and Todd were already going over to that sporting good store, the one with half of the roof caved in."

"Outside the fence," I sighed, already knowing I wasn't going to be happy at the end of this story. "The one with the basement full of spores." The basement was partially blocked off by the cave in, barely enough room for her small frame to squeeze through. I also know that those three jokers sure as hell could have never made down there … even if they did, I was the only one in town with a gas mask and the only one who could make it down there safely … well not the only one. "And they suggest that you might be able to get down stairs ..."

"Maybe," she was shifted back and forth on her bare feet looking around at anything but me. "I mean, it been a while since anyone has been down there so we might have found some really good shit, you know."

"Ellie," I sighed, I swear she is going to give me a heart attack one of these days. "Infected?"

"Only one," she answered quickly, leaning against the railing. "And he … or she … hard to tell … it has been there a long, long time, barely human looking at all. Bad news, it sitting right on this big steel door, like a safe door only taller then you. It also had three dials on it, like a combination lock and a handle, I couldn't budge it."

"Hmm, sounds like the previous owner had a vault down there, probably where he kept his extra inventory plus weapons he didn't exactly want just anyone to know he had." I rubbed my chin as I had visions of cases of ammo dancing in my head. "You think it can be burned out?"

"Maybe," she said carefully, and with some hesitation. "It's been there awhile, the grow is pretty large but the ceiling over it still looks stable. Still, I think it might better to go thru the floor then trying to clear out the stairs. Remember what happened in Anita, Iowa; and how big the fire got? Or I should say, how fast it moved?"

"Hmm, you might be right. Those places can be tinder boxes just waiting to explode with years of dust building up. Anyways, a find like that will probably attract the whole town, so we will have to wait and see what the others have planned."

"So how does one break in to a vault anyways?"

"I'm … not sure, actually. Never try to do, never really ever found one that was still sealed. We might get lucky, the owner might have the combo written down somewhere else, maybe in hidden in the basement near the vault." Then it hit me … I am talking about breaking into a safe with a fifteen year old girl!

Shess, I was as bad as everyone else! I been trying to get everyone to see her as I wanted to see her, a little girl who need to be protected and … and … without thinking about, I was treating her as an adult … just like Maria wanted too. Just like Ellie deserves. Maybe … shit … maybe it was time I changed how I looked at all of this.

"Helloooooo," I refocus my attention to find Ellie standing inches away from my face, waving her hand in fount of my nose. "You in there, or have you finally gone senile?"

"Sorry, guess I was lost in my thoughts."

"Ah, unfamiliar territory, I get it." She ignore my glare and with exasperated sigh said, "I said there was a lot of boxes down there, full of papers. But it was mostly … whatchamacallit … receipts? Peoples' names, addresses and phone numbers as well as the kind of purchases they made, but I didn't spend a lot of time looking thru them all."

"Makes sense; gun shop owners had to keep a lot of records and store them for long time to keep themselves out of trouble with the government."

"Pftt," Ellie rolled her eyes.

Death, destruction, whole cities destroyed in matter of days, the fall of the United States of America … of course, the only thing to survive all that was government bureaucracy and cockroaches.

"Still, those records might help us now, could narrow down which homes are worth looking thru for ammo," I said nodding slowly. "Did you find anything of real value?"

"A few boxes of 9 mm, .357, shotgun shells as well as ammo that might fit the rifles." She said grinning like a Chester cat.

"And of course, you follow the law about finding ammo," I ask, knowing the answer as soon as I saw that smile.

"Of course, Joel." Right, trust that smile at your own risk.

Maria doesn't want to discourage people scavenging on their own, you can keep what you find or trade it in at the main trading post. The more you trade with at the trading post, the better deals you get when you want to exchange for goods you need. It wasn't exactly the Best Mart, but it wasn't also a commune either, you had to have something to trade with that is of value to receive something of value. There were, of course, exceptions; such items as ammo, salt, pepper and any kind of explosives had to be reported. They wouldn't take it all but they did need to for the community defense and welfare.

"Show me what you got," she then proceed to pull me up the stairs to our armory, her eyes as bright and excited as a child on Christmas morning.

Its moments like this that really make the decision harder. She has such … free spirit and enjoyment of life. I guess … it is that part of her I want to protect the most.

"Okay, let me show you these first. You know, those three being almost thirty; they aren't that smart," she said pulling out a box from the bottom of the workbench. The box was pretty mess up, as if it had been in a basement for twenty years, which it had. "Just because it isn't on the mandatory list, doesn't mean it isn't a great find." She open the box …

"Nice find," I said letting out a whistle.

Inside the box, still wrapped in plastic was 6 packs of six, gold tip hunting arrow, each about thirty-six inches long; completely intact.

"Yea, tell me about it," she said with a big smile. "They said I could have all the arrows I wanted, even said it front of Abby at the trading post, so there are six more box like this still down there."

"Well, that should keep you well stock for a long time."

"True," she nodded as she put the box back under the table. "But, I was hoping you would, you know, advise me on something. I was wondering if I should trade a box now or wait till later?"

"Playing the market are we," I smiled, on the inside as much as on the outside. Here, we were talking about things as two adults and still she want my advice.

"Well, we still can never find enough ammo for everything we need. You think others would be smart and switch to a bow, for hunting if nothing else. Arrows can be retrieved; as far as I know, we still can't do the same for bullets."

"Mean smart like you," I jibe, watching her fair skin redden with a blush. Redheads, so easy to embarrass. "But yea; so far, we still can't make reloads .. yet. Something to do with making the right kind of powder. I'm no egghead, so I am not sure what the problem is, but as far as the arrows." I click my teeth in thought, "I would say hold on to everything you find. If we start seeing more people switching over, then dump a box or two."

"Okay; now for you … I might have … um … miscounted those boxes when I gave them to those guys." She pulled open the file cabinet and laid down some boxes in the same shape as the arrows. "I might have found an extra box of 9 mm, as well as half box of .357, about a dozen shotgun shells and two 5 round clips for the rifle." She looked up at me, with hesitation in her eyes.

"Well, now" I said slowly picking up the box of 9mm ammo.

"Don't start," Ellie said with a sigh. "Look, those three couldn't hit the broad side of a mountain, so this ammo would be a complete waste on them. You know I am right, Pftt, seriously I'm surprise Charlie can find his way around the fence line at night."

I wasn't really listening to her justify her 'miscount', instead I was remembering what Maria said earlier to me. How Ellie was as worried about me as I was her … how she saw it as her responsibility to help keep me safe. And this is Ellie way of making sure I was safe, by having the tools to survive, to come home to her.

My hand slip to my watch that my baby girl gave me a lifetime ago, Sarah gave me this watch because she wanted to make me happy. Just as any child want to make her daddy happy, and there was no harm in it, it was how she let me know she loved me. Ellie was doing the same thing here as well, but as an adult would; to let me know that she loved me as well.

"Joel!"

I jerked out of my thoughts to see Ellie staring at me in concern.

"Seriously Joel, are you alright, you are kind of zoning out again."

"Sorry, lost in thought again," I said with a smile. "but Ellie, you shouldn't cheat your business partners like that, makes it hard to work with them in the future." She slowly nodded, taking my advice to heart. "How do you guys file the claim with Abby?"

"We got a third and they are splitting the rest between them."

"We?" I ask genuine surprise.

"Yes, 'we';" she said as if talking to an idiot while slapping me on the shoulder. "We are a team after all, partners to the end; to the edge of the galaxy and beyond! We split everything down the middle … well except the laundry … any time you want to do it all, I might let you."

"In your dreams," I snicker. "Okay, we will slip them something extra in the final count, and do it in a way that they will think that they pulled one over us."

"Oh, we can give them a shinny ball," she said nodding slowly, while standing tall and grinning from ear to ear. "I think they would like that."

"You are incorrigible," I said rubbing her hair. I looked outside, it was getting late. "Tell you what, go get a shower and we will head over to Tommy's for dinner, okay?"

"Roger Dodger," she yelled out as she bounced out of our armory, then back in almost as quickly. "Wait, what did Maria want with you earlier anyways?"

"Oh that," I said putting away all the ammo except the 9mm. "She just want to know what I though about a job offer she has for you."

"Really," Ellie said, her voice a mixture of curiosity and uneasiness. "what job offer?"

"Well, I'll let her tell you at dinner," I smile as I reloaded one of my empty clips. "I don't want to ruin her surprise." I stop loading and looked over at my baby girl; Ellie never replaced Sarah and never could. She just taught me that there was enough room in this old heart for her as well. And sometimes … sometimes I can't help but see Ellie as not only a daughter but as an equal partners as well. I not going to fool myself, this is going to be hell on my nerves. I will always worry about her when she was on the line, but I have some comfort knowing that the others will look out for her, that I will always be close to help her. More importantly, I can trust Ellie enough to know she will take care of herself long enough for me to get there … that I can trust her enough to let her go. "Ellie, I'm damn proud of you. I just want you to know that and … and that you earn this job offering."

"Thanks Joel," she whisper to me with a smile as bright as the sun.

"Now scoot, go get your shower."

"Roger Dodger!"

"And leave me some damn hot water this time," I yelled to her retreating back.

"Ptff, You wish!"