Home Sweet Home

Nowhere Unknown

"Wow, you are so pretty, I reckon I know why daddy has taken a shine to you," Sarah said running her hand thru my red hair. Her light blue eyes sparkle as brightly as her smile. Suddenly she stopped bouncing and looking concern. "Oh, I am sorry. where are my manners," she stood up tall and held out her right hand. I returned the shake more out of instinct then actually thinking about it. Brain set on automatic. "Good morning Ellie, I am Sarah Wilson and I am very, very pleased to meet you."

"Um, yeah, same here."

"I still can't believe your here," Sarah screamed out as she started bouncing on the balls of her feet again. "I mean I had always hope to meet you, daddy is always telling me about you; I feel as if I already know everything about you. You just took me by surprise that is all, I thought you wouldn't get here until much later and I know you are just visiting but I am still so happy to meet you. Are you thirsty? I bet you are thirsty," she reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me up to the house. "Let's go inside and I get you some refreshments and then we have so much to talk about!"

I would have resisted but as I said, I am not really thinking anything except I am talking to Joel's dead daughter. Joel's dead daughter is talking to me as if it was a normal sunny day and not the freakiest thing to ever happen to me … and that is saying a lot.

"Come in, come in; make yourself at home!" She bounced; dude, she is like super hyper, in the middle of the living room with her arms spread wide as her smile. "Welcome to my humble abode, I know it ain't as nice as yours but I like it."

Ain't nice? I felt a jab of anger and jealously! The walls were so clean and bright, the paint wasn't faded to light gray, there wasn't mold stains on them. Even after weeks of trying to wash the walls, I could still see the stains. And there wasn't enough pain in all of Jackson in any kind of shape to use on the walls! The furniture, all we had was a couch and two guitars stands in our living room, she had tables, a leather couch and an armchair, lamps all over the place! We had one lamp for both the dining room and living room. Couch, mine had two bricks under Joel's side because it was missing a leg and none of the cushions matched! And the carpet! We had to rip out all the carpet in our home, it was all moldy and … we had to use titles and other stuff to cover the floors. Sure, Joel had the great idea to spell our names out in the title in the living room and we made some really colorful patterns but … this carpet felt so nice!

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," the small voice said.

I looked over, Sarah was standing still in the middle of the living room looking miserable as anyone can be. I let out my annoyance go as quickly as it came, poor kid was just trying to be nice and …

"No, Sarah; I should apologies. I was being rude, I just wish I could live in a place as nice as this."

"No, you don't have to say that, I know your place is the best place ever," she said quietly. With a sigh she turn to walk to the kitchen, almost whispering she added, "Your place has daddy in it."

Aw, fuck me with pine cone sideways, way to go you stupid, stupid, fucking bitch; destroy a dead girl happy moment.

"Your dad wishes he could be here with you as well," I said quietly as I walked over to the kitchen and leaned against the island. "He thinks about you everyday, he has told me so much about you. He still has that watch you gave him, even thought it been broken for years. He never takes it off. He always looks at it when he is thinking of you."

"I know," she said with a sad smile while grabbing a couple glasses from a cupboard. "And he talks to me in his sleep. He is always reminding me how much he loves me and how much he miss me." Then her smile started to get bright again, "He also tells me how much he loves you and how he hopes I will love you too." She laughed as she put ice in the glasses, "Which is just silly of him. Of course I love you, he does! How could I not love someone he adores?"

"Yeah, I kept telling him the same thing," I let a smile form on my lips. "The old goat worries too much." Sarah giggled. I decided I like hearing her giggle, she has a cute giggle. I told her that as she pulled out a green bottle from the refrigerator, she started blushing and giggling some more. I let my smile slip away as I asked her the big question. "Sarah, is this … am I … you know … in … heaven?" She had this strange look on her face as she twisted the cap off, as if she wasn't following what I was trying to say, so I tried to be a bit more like myself, you know; blunt. "Am I dead?"

"Well, I ..." she titled her head with this far away look in her eyes. Suddenly, she jumps back, closing her eyes, she began flapping her hands next to her ears as if she was cooling off and rapidly dancing in place. Just as suddenly, her hands shot forward, all movement stops and her eyes got huge, "Or it's one of those narcotic induced hallucinations brought on by the drugs they are using to help keep y'all still so they can fix you."

"So I am still alive?"

"Uh yeah," she said while concentrating on pour out the greenish yellow liquid into the glasses. Then she very quietly added, "Mostly."

"So what happen to me? How did I get here, where ever here is?"

"I'm not sure, something to do with fighting a bear? Why would you fight a bear anyways? Whenever I went to the zoo, the bears were always so friendly and stuff, always waving at kids and sniffing the glass walls."

"Um, I'm not sure, actually. The last thing I remember is hunting with your dad and then um poof! You came running at me to give me a hug."

"Well, duh; you are almost family and we here in Texas is always friendly to family." Sarah said with great conviction.

"So we are in Texas?"

"No, we are nowhere."

"Where is nowhere?"

"I … I don't know," she started fidgeting again. "I'm awful sorry Ellie, I want to answer you questions but I can't, I am not allow too."

"You're not … who told you that?"

"The old man who is in charge, he is the one who told me you would be coming today."

"So someone is in charge around here?"

"No, he is in charge Elsewhere, I am in charge of here," she said with pride.

"So where is elsewhere?"

"Elsewhere." She said nodding. Then she titled her head for a second, she went on, "He will be coming by later. I am sure he can explain everything."

"When?"

"Sometime." She said giving me a cringing smile and wriggling her hands.

"So some guy in charge of elsewhere is coming over here, which is nowhere, and he will be here here sometime, do I got all that?"

"Yes, now you got it," she gave me a small clap.

"Those must be some really good drugs they have me on," I said holding my head in my hands.

"Totally hardcore."

"They must be," I looked at her again and gave her a small smile, "So you are what … a figment of my imagination?"

"Um," she had this adorable look on her face as if she was trying to decide the best course of action to take and trying hard not to look guilty. Now I know why Joel says he is immune to my cuteness. "Yeah, that works too." Pftt, she is a horrible liar. Joel really didn't teach her well. "That stuff ain't important, what is important is this Ellie," she said handing me my drink and then wrapping her free arm around my waist, spinning me around a few times, both of us giggling like idiots as we sat down on the couch. "What is important is we have time to get to know each other and have a bit of fun before you have to leave, how does that sound?"

"Okay, Sarah, sounds like a plan," I laugh as I answer, she is so … I don't know … I never met anyone so … innocent before. Someone who wasn't carrying around death and sorrow like a chain around their neck. Hell, might as well have fun while I'm waiting for nobody.

"Great!" squealing as she took a drink of that strange looking liquid. "I always wanted another girl around the house! Dad is wonderful, don't get me wrong but there are some subjects you just can't talk to him about without him getting all hem hawing around,you know what I mean? I bet you do. I mean you know a lot about dad, all his quaky ways and all. I know, you can be like my big sister! Or my new mom! Or both! Oh! That would so cool! Can you be both? Is that allowed? That had better be allowed! Because I think it would be totally awesome if you could be both!" I lean against the back of the couch, my feet tucked under me, watching this little 12 year old girl rattle on. This little girl who would have been, if she had lived, in her thirties by now going on how she want me to be her big sister. Kind of funny really, here I was only three years older then she was when she died, yet I felt like I was the one who should be in her thirties not the other way around. "So why do you wear dad's shirts to bed?"

"Um," oh boy, talk about an awkward subject. "Mostly, because … it makes me feel safer, like it is him holding on to me when I am sleeping."

"Oh," she said looking confused, "I thought you guys sleep in the same bed?"

"We … we do … um sometimes … mostly … um but some nights I sleep … well try to sleep, in my own room or when he is doing a night shift guard duty, I like to have a reminder of him with me."

"Oh," she looked at me seriously, "so you have nightmares too?"

"Um, yeah," I said shifting around on my rear so my legs were pulled up to my chest and faced her. "You could say that, I guess."

"Daddy has some really nasty nightmares," she said sadly looking down at her glass. "I hate when he has them because I can't do anything to help him. He dreams about that night, he dreams about some of those things he use to have to do, people he killed." She looked at me, eyes so sad I wanted to hug her. "The worst are the dreams he has about either you or me … sometimes both of us and how he can't save us. Those are the worst." She was quiet for a while, I just study the drink in my hand.

Some of my worst nightmares involve Joel as well, how that piece of shit found him and hurt him … and I couldn't get to him, could save him no matter how hard I run or how I couldn't get my legs working to even try to run. How Joel leaves me alone … so alone ... in the middle of nowhere.

"I hope I ain't be rude to y'all, Ellie, but can you sleep with him more … maybe." She said looking up at me. Scared as if she was offending me she launched into her explanation. "I know you are so much younger and y'all ain't properly married and all, I don't want to offend your morals or anything like that." I gave myself a mental snort, morals? When did I ever get those? "And I know you thinking he is too old or something, I don't know! But he sleeps so much better when you are next to him! Like he ain't got a care in the world! And you make him so happy ..."

I set down my drink and reached across the couch and made a shushing noise, like Joel does when I am really upset. I pulled her into my arms as she continued to babbled.

"Easy Sarah, easy. Don't worry about your dad, we have been talking a lot lately about just using one bed," Okay, I been talking and he has been listening without comment. I had hoped when we settle in Jackson, both of us would have fewer nightmares. But even after all these months, we are still having just as many, maybe even a few more then normal. It was stupid to keep separate beds since even when we do try to sleep in separate rooms, we just end up together anyways. "And to be honest, neither one of us really understand what we mean to each other, we are just as clueless as everyone else. The only thing we know is this; we are family! Where your dad goes, I go and where ever I go, he goes with me. So it might take awhile but I am sure in the end we will end up … in bed." I sorted out a laugh, God that sounded so … perverted! "I mean to sleep of course, not … well I'm sure you … or not … um."

"It's okay if you guys … you know … do it."

"Um," I nervously laugh, oh boy.

"That is why you don't wear any panties, right?"

"Um!" I shifted again, making sure my shirt was tucked firmly between my legs. Is this how Joel feels every time I bring up sex and sexual related topic?

"It's okay, Ellie; it's like you said you both love each other a lot. And … why is your face getting that red?"

"It's not that Sarah … I mean I do love your dad … a lot and he means the world to me … I would be lost without him but um … that is not the reason I don't wear underwear to bed. I don't wear underwear all the time because I have so few pairs. When I left Boston I only had three with me." And one, along with two shirts, a bra and a pair of pants promptly got burned after Joel and I escaped Colorado. "And while I do have more now, finding underwear in my size … let's just forget about finding any bras … is really difficult, so I only wear them at night if it is … um you know … um that time."

"Oh, that 'special time';" Sarah said sarcastic, as she pull away from me and holding her fingers up in a quotation marks. She made a face, "Boy, that must have been tough traveling across the country without any stores to get 'those' products."

"Oh you have no idea," I lean back against the arm rest as I remembered one particular time in Ohio. "When I left Boston, I forgot to pack any. I'm irregular and always light as well, plus I didn't start till I was thirteen. So they were not something I would have thought of to pack for the trip. Marlene ..." Sarah face clouded over, almost angry, as I mentioned my mom's best friend. I decide to skip over that and return to my story, something told me she wouldn't answer me anyways. "Well, she never thought to ask me if I had any either. So we were in Ohio someplace, we had already dodge our way through Columbus, that was a story let me tell you, when I notice it was that time. Oh, your dad," I had to stop as I laugh remembering Joel's expression. "Your dad look so lost and exasperated … we stopped in a drugstore so I could find some pads. He kept asking me every two seconds if I was done yet, I yelled at him telling him to help me look or shut the hell up."

"You actually told my dad to shut the hell up," she said in awe.

"More time then I can count, and he says the same back to me. So he gets down and helps me dig through all the junk and trash on the ground, then he pulls out a box and throws them at me, tells me to get changed and heads back outside. His face was so red! He wouldn't talk to me for two days."

"Oh my, I was ten when he gave me the 'talk'," she let out a sigh of annoyance. "It was so awkward for him and me. He meant well, I know, but he was so bad at it. He keep going 'um' and 'ah' and stuff. Finally, Uncle Tommy asked one of his girlfriends to come over and tell me about stuff." Her face really got crunched up in disgust, "Where daddy didn't tell me much, she told me too much. EW! I didn't like many of Uncle Tommy's 'lady friends'."

"Well, you will love Maria, his wife. She is very cool and great person to talk to … well most of the time anyways."

"Aw, that is so cool. I'm glad Uncle Tommy finally went and got him a wife, I bet she is really pretty, uh?"

"Yeah, I guess so, I mean she has blond hair like you and wears it short ..."

"Short like mine?"

"Yeah, I think … yeah, you both have about the same cut."

"So you think she ugly?"

"Um … I …" I let out a sigh, I hate these conversations, Mary-Ann is always asking me about Jimmy, if I though he was cute, Pftt, as if I am one to judge. "Look, Sarah; to be honest I don't care, I don't judge people by their looks."

"Sheese, that is what pretty people tell ugly people be when they don't wanna hurt their feeling." She said pouting.

"Look at me, I have no room to judge people by looks. My nose has been broken four times, I have three scars on my chin, one above my right eye … seriously, I have no idea how much worst I look like after fighting with that bear. And, sometimes, I think your dad has more scars then he has skin but none of that matters, because when I look at him all I see is the man who saved my life more times then I can count, who cares for me more then anyone has before and will stay with me no matter what happens. So when I look at him I see the most beautiful, most perfect man to ever live."

"Yeah?"

"Yep … and if you tell him I said all that I will deny it," I said with a smug but completely silly face. She started giggling again as I grab my glass. I really should take a sip, it can't be all that bad since she has pretty much down her … Oh my fucking … what the hell is this! "Ogg me."

"What … are you okay? What wrong?" She sat up, fear written all over her face.

"What … what is that! Liquid sugar?"

"It's just a soda pop, I have some Coke if you don't like Mt. Dew ..." then her eye got really huge, "Oh, Ellie! I'm sorry I forgot! I'm so sorry, here let me get you some ice water." She ran to the kitchen as I keep coughing and gagging, shit now wonder she is so fucking hyper! She ran back in with a new glass of water, holding it out at arms length as if she was afraid to get near me. "I completely forgot, you ain't had any soda pop in your whole life! And here I done gave you the most sugary kind around! You ain't mad at me or hate me do you? I didn't ..."

"No, we're cool," I said as I pour the water down my throat. I think that was worst then the moonshine, they actually let kids drink that shit! Fuck me, old people were idiots!

"Okay, if you are sure," she sounded so unsure as she sat back down on the couch.

"We are cool Sarah, don't worry."setting down my nice normal drink. "I know it's hard sometimes to remember what is now and what it was like back Before. When I am working the Line or Joel and our friends are sitting around shooting the shit … well, him and I are mostly listening, your dad isn't really big on small talk. The old farts would talk about things from Before and it's like they are speaking a completely different languages. I'm always having to pick and probe to understand what they are talking about." I let out a sigh, "old people are weird."

"Yeah, they were weird when I was alive too," she shook her head sadly. "It's like they ain't remember what they learned in English class when they speak. And they are always using big complicated words so we kids ain't got a clue what is going on or if we do, they just say we understand when we get bigger. That such a cope out. I'm twelve years old, I am all grown up! He didn't have to treat me like a baby all the time."

I really, really had to stifle the urge to chuckle. Oh man, is this what I put Joel through at the beginning? No wonder my instructors always labeled me as a problem child, since, apparently unlike Sarah, I had been a bit more vocal and active about showing my displeasure. Even though it has been only a year and half since I left Boston, cock sure and arrogant as all get out; now I know how much I don't know and how much I need someone to stand with me. I have to remember to give Joel an extra hug later, just to say thanks for putting up with my shit.

"Now, of course, I will never grow up so I won't ever get a chance to learn about all that stuff they told me to wait till I get older to learn."

"Maybe … maybe I could help. Maybe there is something could explain to you, if you want."

"Truly?" Her eyes showed me her hesitation as did her voice.

"If I can, I will be completely honest with you," I leaned back against the arm rest again, being as open to her I can. Just like Maria would be with me from time to time when I need her advice.

"Well," she started out slowly then bounce in her seat, laying on her stomach with her head in her hands and legs tucked under her belly, and the biggest sweetest smile on her face. Oh God, I will never be able to out cute her … ever! "What's it like to do it?"

"Um," and just like that we're back in awkward ville.

Joy.

Jackson

"If she wanted a pet so badly, I think we can find something a bit more friendly, like a cougar or badger," Steven's voice came through the speakers as he and Joel sat in the isolation room.

I watched my brother thru the large reinforced window, as he sat there quietly, while Steven did a quick patch job on him. Both Steven and I had tried to get him to talk about the bear attack but he would only give us one word answers.

"Yeah," was the only thing Joel said, to just about every question.

This was as bad as the night Sarah had died, maybe worst because … Joel bawled like a baby that night. Tonight, nothing. It was like he was already dead and his body just didn't know it yet.

"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson," a timid voice said from next to us. Maria and I both turn to see Mary-Ann and the ever present Jimmy, standing there with a basket of food. "I brought some food over for Joel and everyone, if that is okay."

"Thank you kindly, Mary-Ann, Jimmy;" I said as Maria took the basket from her. "Is it snowing badly out there yet?"

"No worst then last week," Jimmy said shrugging his shoulders.

"Shawn's dad thinks we might see another foot or two by the time it is all done." Mary-Ann added, clearly the prospect of all that snow was lost on those two.

Ah, to be young again and not worry about over stressed roofs, avalanches, and other dangers that snowstorms could bring to such a small, mountain town like Jackson. The only bright spot from all this snow is how isolated they will be until spring. Bandits, unless they had snowshoes or skies, wouldn't be able to reach Jackson nor the hydroelectrically power plant. Then again, all kinds of critters will be mighty hungry come spring, this spring could be … bad.

"Well, you two shouldn't be out walking around in this blizzard," Maria smiled to let them know she wasn't really worried. "Jimmy, you make sure Mary-Ann gets home safely, Okay?"

"Don't worry, I will," Jimmy said in a tone that made it really hard not to snicker.

Jimmy didn't need any reason to be around Mary-Ann, and she never complained either; they could be the town's first couple married who never knew Before. At least, that was the whispers from both families, although no one is set to pressure them into rushing. And both kids, strangely, seem to be clueless about how the other feels or about the whispers of wedding bells; kind of sweet in a way.

"Let Mr. Wilson, I mean your brother, know that everyone is praying really hard for Ellie," Mary-Ann said in earnest.

"We will, and I know Joel will love to know how many care and will appreciate all the prayers," I lied as I turned them both around to the exit. "Now scoot you two, it's going to be dark soon. You need to get home before then." After they both said bye and walked out the door, I turn back to a wife looking at me in less then pleasant way. I release a sigh, "Ain't a total lie, you know, we will tell Joel."

My wife just nodded as she leaned into me while Dana stood near by with a M4A1, shaking her head at me with a small smile.

Dana tensed up as her husband, gently pushed Joel down on the cot and headed towards the door. As bad as this was for Maria and I, knowing that we could lose both Joel and Ellie; it had to be absolute hell on her, knowing her husband had no chance of escape if Joel started to change or decided not to sit still any longer. And to know she was the first and only line of defense for the entire town. Others offered to stand guard but she told them all to fuck off, she … yeah, I know why she felt that way.

When Steven closed the door behind him, only then did she finally slip the weapon on her shoulder. Steven reached out and squeezed her hand before turning to us.

"I put in about 30 stitches in his chest, shoulder and couple in his face; that bear did a number on him. If Ellie hadn't gotten it off him," Steven shrugged his shoulders, I nodded knowing what he wasn't going to say. "I still have no clue how she did it, from what Sam said and what little Joel said, it sounded like she drove her knife into it's neck and slit the arteries before getting tossed off. That is why the blade snapped, the force from the bear trying to get her off." He shook his head in admiration or just in plain amazement, "it was a one in a million shot. Good thing we no longer have the lottery because she just used up a lifetime of good luck."

"I hope not," Dana said, "She need all the luck she can get to make it through surgery."

"Andy will get her through," Maria said with conviction. Something about the look those two exchanged must have made Maria as nervous as me when she said, "Andy is a good man."

"We are not arguing that part, Maria," Dana said sadly. "We've know him a long time there is no one better but ..."

"But he is a medic; not a surgeon and this is not removing a bullet or tonsillitis or appendix, this is repairing a torn lung and closing off internal bleeding; major shit. I know Andy, he would rather turn himself in to the Military then operate on someone with this level of injury if he had a choice. We don't have that choice, Las Vegas is too far away, she would never make the trip. Fuck, she almost didn't make it back here from what he said." Steven ran his hand over his face, "Don't forget she is infected, so they would just shoot her at the gate anyways. Look, Andy is going to do his absolute best job he can because she is a patient and needs him to heal her; but lets not get our hopes up, okay?"

"I have faith that God will be with her," Maria stated with certainty base in her faith in all that is good. That same faith that allowed her to see some worth even in someone as damaged as I had once been.

"I hope so or Joel ..." Steven looked over his shoulder at the now sleeping man. "So far his skin is not showing any signs of infection and I took all the samples that Andy wanted but none of that will fucking matter really."

"What do you mean," I said with a edge in my voice. "Joel is just in shock, he will snap out of it."

"We heard the whole conversation, Tommy," Dana said nodding at Joel. "What did he not say?"

"He didn't say much of anything, like I said he is in shock." I didn't get what they were driving at but Maria let out a small noise of pain and gripped my hand tightly.

"He never asked about Ellie," she whispered out, as if afraid of what she had said.

"Your brother … you brother has decided that she is already lost, and so is he;" Steven said sadly, glancing at us, he let out a sigh then head down the hall to the lab, to leave the samples for Andy to exam later.