Author note: 'Next to me' is own and sung by Emeli Sande; I own nothing but if Ellie ever wanted a theme song for what Joel means to her, could there be any better?
Nightmares
Nowhere, Unknown
The music was pumping, we were hopping on the bed, sunglasses on … all was good! Sarah and I had our … hairbrushes? Good God, that was still too weird … our hairbrushes in the ready.
You won't find him drinking at the table
Rolling dice or staying out 'til three
You won't ever find him be unfaithful
You will find him, you'll find him next to me
You won't find him tryna chase the devil
For money, fame, for power, out of greed
You won't ever find him where the rest go
You will find him, you'll find him next to me
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
You will find him, you'll find him next to me
We pointed at each other, then spun apart dancing silly in place while singing along. Swing our right arm … or was it the … left arm … damn it which arm again? This is why that Military Boarding school sucked major ass. Okay, sure it taught me how to read, totally cool, and how to handle weapons, drive and some other very basic survive skills but swimming and dancing? Pftt, forget about it! Still, we both had smiles on our faces as I struggled to keep up.
Sarah learned, after that first song, that my 'education has been sorely neglected in the primary and most important areas of entertainment education', her words not mine. The fact that I didn't know that you are supposed to use hairbrushes as microphones seemed to blow her mind.
When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished
And I can't seem to find no help or love for free
I know there's no need for me to panic
Cause I'll find him, I'll find him next to me
When the skies are gray and all the doors are closing
And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, I'll find him next to me
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
I will find him, I'll find him next to me
This is Sarah favorite song, even though it is not her normal taste in music. She is more into punk and hard rock, although she told me she secretly enjoyed some country since that she what her dad plays mostly on his guitar. But this top forty pop music isn't her cup of tea. Too mainstream, whatever the hell that means. This song, although, this song she spoke to her on another level. She said this song just remind her of Joel, and all he has done fore her when she was alive.
Still weird when she says it like that.
We have been playing "Next to me" by Emeli Sande on her computer for hours now … at least I think it has been hours, time is really screwy here in Nowhere. I do have to say, this song, especially this next part, really reminds me of Joel.
When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
When we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
When everyone has lost their heads around us
You will find him, you'll find him next to me
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
Next to me – ooh hooo
You will find him, you'll find him next to me
We fell back on opposite sides of her bed, our head next to each other as we sang the last line until the song stop. Breathing hard, we both exchanged giggles and smiles. Oh man, this was so cool. Then we started laughing harder as we stared at each other. Okay, Sarah might need to learn how to lie better but damn if she couldn't teach Joel a thing or two in having fun.
"Daddy knows how to have fun, silly," she said still laughing.
"Not like this," I remind her as I rolled on my stomach. "Most of the time, he is too grumpy."
"We use to do this all the time, he would play his guitar and I would sing and dance; sometimes my friends would be there … and … and …" her laughter of joy and happiness turned into sobs and tears.
"Hey, hey ...shush, Sarah" I said gently cradling her, running my hand down her back like Joel did for me. And like Joel was with me so many times, I had no idea what brought this on. "It's okay, it's okay; I'm here for you."
"I … I … I'm sorry … sorry … didn't" She stuttered out in between sobs. "I … I … miss … having … any … any … one to …"
"Sarah, how long has it been since you had fun like this," I asked, I had a bad feeling about this.
"Since before I died, a week before I had a sleepover with my friends," she said still crying. "Dad made all kinds of faces at the idea of six girls running around the house but, you know, he made us food and played the guitar and … and … it was so … I miss ..."
"Sarah, are you telling me that you have been alone this whole time," I asked slowly, trying hard to beat down my own personal horror. To be alone for so long!
"Well ..." she pulled away and wiped away her own tears. "The old man comes by to check on me from time to time; to ask me if I want to go to Elsewhere with him."
"No one else comes here? Your friends? Your other family members? Random strangers?" "Uh … no … you can't get from Elsewhere to here. Only the old man can do that," I pulled back in horror, why would she want to stay here all alone for … "I can't leave daddy!" Sarah got a stern look on her face as if she was talking to an idiot. "If I got to Elsewhere, I won't be able to get back here … ever! And Elsewhere is … huge!" Sarah sat up and stretched her arms wide as if she was trying to show me how big it was. "He may not be able to find me there … but this was our home, he will find me here and then we will be together forever and we will sing and dance … you will be here too, right? The three of us will be together and we will all be happy!"
"Sarah, I don't think your dad would be happy to know …". I moved to her side again, Joel would fucking freak if he knew what she has been up to since she died, he won't like that she has been alone and waiting here just for him.
"Yes! Yes, he will! He will be happy to see me and won't care! Don't be mean!" She angrily pushed me away.
"Sarah, he wants nothing but the best for you, and … trust me, he will find you in Elsewhere. He found me in a snow storm in the middle of the forest and I don't mean nearly as much to him as you do." Sarah had that look on her face, I could see Joel clearly in her expression as she was about to argue with me. Suddenly, she went slack, looking at the ceiling, I caught a slightly hunted look in her eyes before she closed them. "Sarah? Sarah whats wrong?"
"Daddy is falling asleep," Sarah jumped up from the bed and ran from her room.
"Wait! Sarah!," I about trip over the these stupid covers and pillows trying to follow her out of her room. Why the fuck did she need 15 pillows on her bed? Really, why do you need that many freaking pillows to sleep, especially when she sleeps alone? "Sarah, what's going on?" I ran down the stairs as I heard the front door, the one made out of the bug screen, slam shut. I ran outside to see … Joel? "Joel?" I ran forward, probably grinning like an idiot, but fuck it Joel was here! Then I as tried to hug him, I actually fell through him … what the hell!"
"It's not really him, him. It's like dad's spirit." Sarah said with sad but adoring eyes, as she kneel in front of him.
"Hey baby girl," Joel's familiar gravel voice came out as if he was speaking with his gas mask on but sounded so … beaten? "Ellie … Ellie … she is gonna … she gonna be with you soon, I think. We … I got her killed! We were out hunting, found this old shack; I thought I heard something inside. She been so restless lately, so … I saw it in her eyes, she missed the … she wanted some adventure, missed the Road. I … I missed it too, sometimes … thought … I didn't think! I was so stupid! There was a bear, black bear inside … I was knocked down, couldn't get off a shot. She … she … jumped on the bear." Joel's smile shown brightly through the mist of his body, "She was so brave! She jumped on it's back and stabbed it to death! Her knife even broke off in it's neck. She was … she is amazing sometimes!" Then his expression and tone returned to something that I still couldn't believe he was capable of producing. "But … but … she was thrown … she has bleeding on the inside … couldn't breath … hacking up blood … we almost lost her on the way back to Jackson. She never gave up … never … I wish … be strong … so strong … I wish I could be as strong."
"No, no Joel," I whisper to the ghost. I crawled on my knees to face him, I could … no, he was crying … the only time Joel cried was when he found me in Colorado. "Joel, you are so much stronger then me, you keep me going ..." There was a loud crash, like a thunderstorm; shit what happened to the sun! Where did these clouds and … holy fuck lighting! "Sarah! What's going on ?"
"Daddy, please! Wake up, please!" Sarah screeched out at the top of her lungs as the thunder and lighting got stronger and bigger.
"I just can't … losing you hurt so bad … can't go through it … again," Joel moaned out, his ghost seemly unaware of us or the storm raging around us.
"Sarah, we need to get inside now!," I got up and try to puller to her feet.
"No, daddy needs me!" She fought back, damn she was strong for her age. "Daddy, Ellie is still alive, you have to believe me!" Still, she had no more luck then I did reaching for him, her hands passed through his body as easily as mine had. "We both here daddy, please wake up!"
"I told you! A new voice said, female and strong and … sounded like a voice I hadn't heard in a year except in my nightmares. A figure walked out of the fog, as oblivious to the storm as Joel was, even as the storm was getting worst! Marlene … she walked towards Joel who turned to face her, she had a gunshot wound in the gut as well as in her forehead … but last I saw her she hadn't been shot in the head only in the gut, what the hell?
"No!" Sarah said breaking my grip as I stood there transfixed on what was happening, what the hell was going on … "No dad, you know she lies! Don't listen to her lies, you were right! Dad, you did the right thing!"
"I told you that you couldn't keep her safe. Now she is dead and it is all your fault, Joel. You should have left her with me, in Salt Lake; she would have been a hero."
Wait! Marlene wasn't in Salt lake … was she? Wasn't she still in Boston?
"You were going to kill her! You were going to rip out her brain, you monster!" Joel lashed out but was unable to reach Marlene as she flashed moved around the operating room.
"She was like a daughter to me, you selfish bastard! I cried when I gave the orders, when I saw her on the table but I knew her death was for the glorious salvation of all mankind! She would have been a hero for all time!" The scene changed to a football field full of dead corpses in several different states of decay and damage, all of them standing and cheering as cart was wheeled on to the field. Marlene stood in the center, her eyes bright with happiness and joy, beaming lovingly at the cart. "Only a truly loving parent would give you this gift my people! My daughter will die so you all will be save!" The place went mad with joy as Joel screamed out in anger, fighting against the ground itself as it reached out to hold him down. The infected started dancing around the field, clapping and hooting as well as the blanket was pulled back to revel … me. "When she dies, all we be saved! We will no longer have to die! All will go back to the way it was before! Families will be united, children will live again, there will be peace and love for all mankind! No one will hunger, no one will be oppressed, it will be paradise! When she dies! When she dies!" The entire crowd began chanting 'when she dies', it was overpowering! It was … Marlene pulled out a huge saw, holding it up high for the crowds approval, and boy, did they approve!
"No! I will kill you! I will kill you all to save her!" Joel screamed as he pushed forward, knocking several clickers down and stomping on their heads in the process. That's my Joel, I wanted to cheer!
"No, you can't! You killed me Joel, you shot me in the head, damn it!" Marlene snapped back and began sawing away. "Yet, you still failed, she is dead! You are too weak to save anyone!"
"Leave my baby girl alone!"
"I thought I was your baby girl, daddy?" Sara's voice came out of the dark. I looked over at her, still sitting in the same place she had been, still bawling her eyes out and now looking truly horrified.
"No, please daddy … no," she whispered out reaching for him as the scene come into focus.
It was … that … oh no! No, no Joel, not here anywhere but …
"I needed my daddy but he was too weak to protect me; so I died." A smiling vision of Sarah, wearing the same clothes that she had on now said from behind the counter with … HIM … at her side. "Now, I have a new daddy. He is stronger and better daddy then you could ever be."
"You are all I need dad, you know that … don't listen to those lies," Sarah whisper as I watched in horror as that … thing … stroked the fake Sarah's hair.
"Release my daughter NOW!" Joel growled as both fake Sarah and that thing both laughed at him.
"Oh daddy, you have no hands," it giggled as Joel looked down to see his hands had been replaced by spoons. "What are you going to do, spoon him to death." Both fake Sarah and that fucking asshole chuckled as Joel started helplessly at his 'hands'. "Even if you did have hands, that fake daughter … your precious Ellie … killed David … not you." That fake Sarah hissed out as she turned and lovingly cupped the fucking assholes face as it started to hack it's self apart.
"Fucking-A right I did," I hissed out, seeing the real Sarah flinch from my anger. "I would kill anyone who tried to hurt you Joel, I would gladly kill anyone."
Did Joel hear me? I don't know but he squared his shoulders, his voice strong for the first time as he answered.
"Yes she did," Joel growled as his hands changed from spoons back to real hands. The fake Sarah turned to face Joel as David's face fell apart, anger in her eyes. "She killed him to protect herself, to protect me; she would kill anyone or anything that harms me. And I will do the same for her."
"Yet," another voice from the past intruded as I saw the Capital Building in Boston come into view and saw another blast form the past. Tess walked towards him with her infected shoulder exposed. "There she lays, lifeless and dead. Just like me … just like everyone who comes into contact with you. Everyone else is just cargo to you Joel, you talk a good game but you know the truth. As long as you live, everything else doesn't matter."
"That's not true, Tess ..."
"Isn't? You had one goal, Joel. You had one job and that was to get Ellie to the Fireflies; to save all mankind and you failed! I meant nothing to you ..."
"It's not like that Tess, y'all know the truth! I care about you, we were partners ..."
"Yeah, you liked the sex but anything more," Tess shook her head, slowly and mockingly, as she walked around him. "If you had loved me, you would have completed the fucking job!"
"I couldn't let them kill her, Tess. She is my partner, she is ..."
"My replacement," the fake Sarah said walking out of their house in Texas, one that looked just like this one here in Nowhere. "Daddy, you don't love me anymore," the fake Sarah said with tears flowing down her face.
"You know I could never replace you, or want to, right Sarah," I asked the crying girl huddle in front of me.
"I know," she whispered, "but dad; he feels guilty that he thinks I might believe it."
"How … whats is going on Sarah? Why are we seeing this?"
"I told you, he talks to me when he sleeps. But I also see his dreams, good and …" she stopped hiding her face as the tears started anew.
"Sarah," I crawled over to her as the scenes started changing and the storm intensified around us. "Sarah, how long … how long have you seen … when?" I couldn't ask her, terrified of the answers. Joel used to have some nasty dreams before we became dependent on each other before we trusted each other. Sleeping near each other help soften those dreams, not stop them completely but soften them. I … I … couldn't imagine what he was like before we met … before we trusted each other.
"Why aren't you with him, he is so happy when you are around," she cried in my arms. "His dreams are so peaceful when you are there."
I heard Joel screaming and looked over to see him struggling against the water current trying to reach a body … dressed similarly to what I wear … and had a red pony tail. I turned away and held Sarah closer to me as hell raged around us … and … and it was getting … worst.
… so much worst …
… dear God … it got worst ...