I was too fucking tired to even think of the proper words for what has been happening.
Fuck.
Yep, that sums it up rather nicely.
I've been spending the last few hours curled up in a ball; hugging a stuff giraffe for dear life on what used to be Joel's bed … or would have been Joel's bed if I wasn't trapped in this fucked up hell hole of Sarah's.
Fuck.
I wanted to run away and hide.
I wanted to beat Joel for some of the things he had done before he met me.
I wanted to hate him.
I wanted to run to him and hold him, never let him go and tell him how much he means to me.
I wanted to keep loving him.
I wanted … I wanted to forget … oh man, how I wanted to forget.
Most of all, I wanted to get Sarah the fuck out of here. She shouldn't be … she should have never … Joel is going to hate himself worst then he does now if he ever found out.
I can never tell him, never. Which means I can never, really, forget everything, can I?
"Hey sleepy head," Sarah voice came from the other side of the door. "I made blueberry pancakes if you want any, but you have to come down stairs before they get cold." She gave that Texan accent a sing-song lit to make it sound … even cuter then before.
How did she do it? I have only been subjected to this … whatever the fuck this was, a dozen or so times and it was fucking with my head! How did she survive with this shit for twenty one years?
Why would she deal with this for twenty one fucking years?
How does she manage to act like it was nothing every single time he finally wakes up and that shit storm ceases? How?
I pulled myself up out of bed and down the stairs. I feel no real need for food, drink nor; I just want peace and to go home to Joel. Maybe I can really help him with his nightmares, maybe; somehow, I don't know how but maybe … I just don't know.
"Now these are really, really delicious and you will need that maple syrup to go on top of the pancakes," Sarah said, still dressed in her pj's as she walked between the kitchen and dinning room. We both were still wearing the same clothes, neither of us felt the need to change or to shower or … I just need to end this … now.
"Sarah," I know my voice sounds tired and flat but just standing next to the table was taking everything I had.
"Have you ever had blueberry pancakes?"
"Sarah, we need to talk."
"If it is about blueberry pancakes, sure. I'm not sure how to explain them to tell you the truth, it's something you have to try for yourself."
"Sarah, we need to talk about what is going on ..."
"I thought we were," Sarah said calmly as she set the plates down.
Damn it, she going to be difficult about this, I just know it! She is too much like her dad.
"Thank you," she said beaming as she sat down and began pouring some kind of brown, thick liquid on her food.
"Sarah, we are not talking about the food ..." I sat down at the table as she held out the container of darkish liquid to me.
"Would you rather have honey on your pancakes? Maple syrup might be too sugary for ..."
"Sarah, this not ..."
"Honey is good too but I think you would enjoy the ..."
"Sarah, listen to me …
"Or would you rather have blueberry waffles instead?"
"Sarah ..."
"It would take me longer to make them from scratch. Are you sure you won't at least try ..."
"Sarah ..."
"These pancakes are really delicious," she said sweetly as she waved a fork full around in the air.
"Fine," I snapped as I grab the bottle of the brown liquid from the table and pour it over my food. I grabbed my knife and fork and sliced off a potion and was just about to take a bit, "You know what, this is bullshit!" I dropped my utensils on the dish, "Sarah, this food, these plates … everything in this fucking house is not real! Nothing but you and I are real in this place! Fuck, are you even hungry? How can you be hungry, you are fucking dead!"
"I am just trying to make your stay here as enjoyable as I can," Sarah said evenly as if she was trying hard to hold on to her temper. "This is a happy place."
"Happy? Are you fucking kidding me?" I barked out a unpleasant laugh. "After what we have gone through … after everything you have gone through for all these years! Sarah, you have to tell me how to get you out of here, get you somewhere, anywhere ..."
"It will be a happy place once dad gets here," she snapped back, anger in her blue eyes.
"Joel is not going to make this a happy place! Joel is going to lose his fucking mind when he finds out what you have been … what you have seen … damn it, Sarah! He doesn't like to tell me what he used to do before he met me and I don't mean a quarter of what you do to him." I reached across the table to touch her hand but she jerk back as if I was on fire. "You need to go somewhere safe and wait for him, away from here."
"I can not leave until dad gets here, I told you that already. Why are you being so mean about this? Wouldn't you do the same thing for dad? Expect him to do the same for you?"
"Uh ..." my first thought was how she pulled out a royal flush to my pair of twos, she had taken a kill shot to my argument and nailed it to the wall. However, it only took me a second to realize the truth was not what she had hoped. "No, no I wouldn't and if I knew Joel was purposely doing this to himself, I would beat the shit out of him." Sarah slump in her chair, her surprise written all over her face. "Your dad wants to believe … he believes you are in heaven with everyone else, watching over him and that you are safe and happy without a care in the world … or afterlife … or whatever the fuck you want to call it. But he does not want you to be like this!"
"I thought you loved my dad," she hissed out in anger.
"I do! More then anything in the world … he is my world, I can't; I won't even try to imagine what I would do without him because it scares the shit out of me! I need him, and he needs me! I love him and would rather die a thousand deaths then let him die once, I would kill anyone who threaten him because he is needed in this world far more then I could ever matter. I also know he feels the same way, I can see it in his eyes, the way he talks to me, the way he holds me when I can't sleep … but there are limits Sarah!"
"Dad needs me as well, Ellie!" She said standing up quickly, trying to out stare me. "I can't leave here until I know he is safe and he is here with me."
"Sarah, torturing yourself is not helping him! He doesn't even know you are here waiting for him! If he knew … God, Sarah; I would hate to think of what he would do if he knew. I can't ever tell him about this because it would destroy him!"
"When he gets here everything will be better ..."
"Sarah, stop with the bullshit! Are you going to be able to hid what you know? No offense but you are a shitty liar ..."
"Stop it! Stop, stop, stop, stop!" She screamed out and pounded on the table. I waited quietly as she stood there shaking, I think … I think. "Get out." She whispered looking at the table, a tiny sob escaping from her lips. "You don't really love daddy, you are a mean, nasty, ugly liar and I hate you … get out."
"I can't," I answered honestly. "Even if I knew how, which I don't, I can't … no, I won't … leave you here like this … Sarah, you are family to me just like Joel."
"I said get out! Get out! Get out!" She screamed throwing her plate in at me then ran toward the stairs, bawling her eyes out.
I … I … God, please I need help, I thought as I closed my eyes and hung my head.
That is when I heard the sounds of music and chatter, I open my eyes to see …
Him?
"Madam, your table is this way," some guy dressed in a suit just like the ones I have seen in the old magazines. I think they are called tuxedo. He stood there with his hand out stretched , pointing to a table near the center of this freakishly clean room full of people who were all either eating, talking or dancing, dressed in fancy clothing that looked brand new. The food … so much food. The weirdo in the funny suit cleared his throat, looking at me with a strained smile, as he continued to point into the room.
Yeah, right, like I am going to walk in there dressed like … Oh?
How the hell … why the hell?
I looked down and saw that I'm now wearing a green, shinny dress, similar in color to my eyes, that hugged my body a bit too tightly, with a slit up the side of my legs that allowed some small movement. My left shoulder and arm were exposed while my right side was completely covered; thankfully my scar was covered so there is no reason to worry about a room full of freaked out assholes trying to … kill me?
Can I still die? Uh, yeah, no need to test that theory right now, is there?
No one even seem to notice I was standing there other then that freak, they were all going about their own lives without a care in the world … strange. Everyone was just talking to others around them as the music was being played live by four people with string instruments, violins and cellos I think they are called … not really sure. You would think a teenage girl popping in out of nowhere would attract some attention …
No wait! Someone else seemed to notice I was standing there, at the table the freak was pointing at … there was an old man, kind of looked like that old man who ran that dinosaur park in that one movie I saw at Jackson last month. Could have been his twin, actually. The old man who was wearing an odd looking suit that made up of some kind of liquid colors? It was both white and black and the colors seemed to move around on its own with neither one taken over completely.
That is completely fucking weird!
Out of all the weirdness that I have encountered since I woke up with Sarah hugging the shit out of me, that suit takes the prize!
The old man's eyes lite up as he waved at me with this really jolly, happy smile.
Old man?
Old man!
Answers!
I pushed past that tuxedo dude, I had my target in …
I trip and fell sideways into another tuxedo dude carrying a tray of food to a table. I ignored the sounds of outrage and horror from the men and women who were probably covered in food as I pulled myself up and moved forward again towards my target.
Two steps and I was falling to my right, landing in a lap of a guy older then Kevin. I looked at the old man, who was openly laughing while apparently trying hard not too, as the original tux dude and that man who I fell on try to help me to my feet.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not drunk? I looked down at my feet … son of a bitch!
I was wearing some weird looking green shoes with fucking spikes on the heals! Who the hell walks around on these damn things anyways? I ripped off my so called shoes and tossed them behind me as I stormed over to the table barefoot.
I pointed my finger at him as if I was still carrying my weapon and just … well, I think of something witty to say in a minute.
"You certainly know how to make an entrance Ellie," the old man said fondly while wearing a wide smile on his wrinkled face. I wanted to smack it clean off. But he must know about Sarah and how I can help her, so he will live … for now. "I am so glad you decided to let me live, makes things easier in the long run you know." He added as he pointed to the seat across from him.
"Can I get you something to drink, madam?" A lady dressed in a white shirt and short black dress said as I sat down in the offered seat. She was wearing those stupid looking shoes, her's were black and heels were not as long as my had been, she also seemed to be able to walk on them.
Fine.
Whatever.
"Whiskey," I growled out.
"Um, I need to see some ID first ..." I just turned and gave her a look that made her flinch slightly. Good to see being dead hadn't effected my non-verbal communication skills.
"She is of age, my child," the old man said with a humorous smile, this guy is too happy. The girl nodded, when she left the old man leaned forward to say, "And you are not dead, not yet anyways. If you were we wouldn't be here talking to each other."
Yeah, okay, fine, whatever; I am still alive and I'm here ... where ever here was …
"We are in Pittsburgh, of course."
Pftt, bullshit.
"Well, not the Pittsburgh you know, of course. On this planet, there was no plague that wiped out 78.954 percent of human life. Here, on this planet, this what your world might have looked like if mankind hadn't been reduce to it's most basic instinct."
Uh, bullshit?
"Not at all," the old man said still grinning. "The Universe is a vast, vast place with trillions and trillions of galaxies and countless planets and more lifeforms then even the best of your science fiction writes could ever hope to imagine inhabiting it. And sometimes, some galaxies have duplicate evolution. At least, on the surface it appears to be duplicate but only on the surface. No two planets are ever exactly the same, somethings are always different. Every creature that inhabits that planet, even briefly or for ages, are unique upon themselves. Those unique creatures make decisions that alter the course of the planet's history just enough that makes each a special place. It is fascinating isn't."
Wait, does he mean that this … all of this could have been …
"Yes, sadly I am. It was just a simple twist of fate that destroyed your world. Someone, a just the correct moment chose to go right instead of left or maybe left instead of right or even decide to do nothing, which is a choice as well, and your world was forever altered. It didn't even have to be related to the initial outbreak at all; it could have been a moment of distraction caused by something as innocent as a stolen kiss or silly argument. The change could have happened in a moment before or happened years before that actually event took place, no way to ever know for sure. That is what Free Will is all about Ellie, which is what is at the heart of this problem we now face."
"You mean that the outbreak could have been a complete accident and not some grand conspiracy?" Boy, mom and Marlene would be shocked to learn they have been wrong all these years.
"Not every thing happens because of some ill will on behalf of a shadowy group, Ellie. Free Will or just good old fashion nature, can be a bigger, nastier bugger then a bunch of men huddle in the dark."
"Your drink madam," the girl said as she handed my a glass with the familiar liquid. I took the glass and down the drink in one shot … Joel taught me well. It burned on the way down, the familiar sensation was comforting.
"Bring me another … wait, just bring me the bottle, please." Something told me, in my gut, that I 'm gong to need it.
"As you wish," she said, not sounding a bit surprise at all. She must have seen me come in or something on my face told her that I needed this … badly.
"Your shoes, madam," the original tux dude said stiffly, standing next to our table, he had a nasty looking bruise on his forehead … it looked suspiciously like … oops.
"I'm sorry about the … head and … um … everything," I cringed as I offered a weak smile while taking the offending footwear from his hands. He just sniffed and quickly walked away, his back radiated his anger at me.
"You do have a way about you, young lady;" the old man said with a jolly laugh.
Pftt, whatever; anyways I need to put everything aside, Sarah was my main concern and this guy … whatever his name was …
"You can call me," he paused then his eyes sparkled as he added, "Al. I like that name, you may call me Al, Ellie."
Al? What kind of name … skip it, clearly he is not going to tell me his real name.
"I would but you wouldn't be able to understand the noises I would need to make, it is not in a language that you humans can produce or even hear. So Al will just have to do." Wait … what? He is not human? He looks awful human to me. "True, I appear as I do because your brain is rather simple compared to my own, well compared to many different species found in the Universe, but that is not important. What is important is what you see before you is an … echo … of my true form that your brain is able to comprehend and allow you to see what I need you to see."
Yeah … right …
"Scoff all you want, Ellie. It is your choice," he said merrily, never losing his smile, "But be warned my young human, Reality, doesn't care what you believe."
Right, skip it. I don't want to get side tracked, need to find out if he can help me help Sarah.
"Of course I can, that is why I brought you here so we can talk without her eavesdropping."
Great … wait … have I even … is he …
"Of course, I have been reading your thoughts. It is not that difficult really, you are a rather simple creature in the grand scheme of things."
Well, fuck you too Al, I thought as I ... again, really wished I could have my gun.
"Shooting me won't do you any good and Sarah even less," I glared at him; glare was about as effective on him as it was on Joel. "Joel must a have great patients to deal with you and … really Ellie, do you actually eat with that mouth."
Oh ha ha.
"Well, I found it humorous."
Geez, can't he fucking wait until I actually say something before responding just once! The nice lady brought the bottle, it said Jack on the label, and set it down next to me, then gave me a brief smile before leaving us alone. I looked at the bottle, then my glass, back to the bottle … yeah fuck it, glass will take too much time. I took a swig, and looked at my 'friend' across from me, still smiling, and wondered why he wasn't talking to me.
"Well," I growled out finally.
"You asked me to wait till you actually verbalized your thoughts, I am trying to be as accommodating as possible."
"Ugh," I going to punch him; I swear to God, I am going to punch him. "What the fuck is going on and how the hell do I get Sarah someplace fucking safe?"
"There is a couple concepts I need to disillusion you from first," the old man said leaning forward. "One, no matter what that man tells you when you are gathered in your town once a week, there is no heaven or hell. Those concepts are just a very, very primitive way to explain Elsewhere and Nowhere. Even the terms, Elsewhere and Nowhere, are not accurate description of what I will attempt to explain but they will suffice for this conversation."
"So there is no heaven?" I knew it! Lies! I took another swig feeling … very sad at that revelation. Nothing I do or will do or have done means shit.
"On the contrary, it does mean … shit … Ellie. Everything you do, everything you experience is unique to you, it lets the Universe learn something about it's self that it couldn't have learned any other way. For good or evil, another primitive concept, doesn't rest in what has happened but why something happen. Knowledge is neutral, how you apply that knowledge is what determines its morality. When your life force on your plane of existence is no longer viable, you are transported to Elsewhere, which is located outside of your Universe as is Nowhere. You understand computers, yes?"
"Um, kind of. I learned about them in school but never used one."
"It will suffice, think of Elsewhere as a giant computer and the Universe as you know it, is a program. All the information generated by the program get saved and annalist by the computer. Now just like a computer, there are certain rules that can not be violated, no matter what or it can cause an unstable platform and causing unforeseen consequences at another time and place. Free Will is one such rule that should never be trifled with. Although, too be completely honest, that particular rule has been well, bent rather badly in the distant past, long before your galaxy even formed, and repercussions are still being felt even today. So it is a rule that must be preserved no matter of the consequences, understand?"
"Fascinating," I said deadpan. "How does this help Sarah?"
"I'm getting there, my dear. Now, Nowhere is like a firewall that keeps information flowing but keeps out certain bits of data out that would jeopardize Elsewhere primary function; mostly individual souls that are so corrupted it could infect the mainframe and cause a system wide malfunction. Now, most of those souls are what many of you primitives would consider to be evil. Some are just too damaged by their experiences in your Universe and at least one chooses to be there then to move on. Nowhere allows Elsewhere to study their data without exposing them to the rest of the computer. Fortunately, all but one has no clue where they are, most assume that they still live; they are so damaged that they can't even comprehend their surroundings. Which is fortunate since … well a Soul could go mad, knowing that they are trapped in Nowhere with no hope of getting free."
"Wait! Sarah ..."
"Sarah is the exception to the rule," he said calmly. "She choose to stay in Nowhere, her attachment to her father was sufficient at the time of her death that she was well aware of her actions." AL let out a sigh of frustration, "It was a blip in the system that allowed her to achieve what she has done. A one in a trillion to the 50th power of a chance to hang on. However, there is a cost to her actions."
"So Sarah can leave and go to Elsewhere?" I … I don't know what I would do if he said no, I … please God say she can leave Nowhere.
"She can leave Nowhere anytime she wishes, but it has to be her choice; it's that whole Free Will rule. And I fear she will never choose to leave."
"She wants to leave! She told me that when Joel shows up ..." I cut myself off as he sadly shook his head.
"Joel will never find her, Nowhere has been design to make sure it never happens. Imagine, you are a soul trapped in Nowhere, thinking that everything is fine and dandy. Then one day out of the blue and other soul pops in, letting know you have been dead and he or she has followed you in death. It would cause both souls to be locked in a situation that can only lead to deletion by the firewall."
"Deletion … as in what? Being erased?" I asked tentatively after a long pause.
"Yes."
"But Sarah … she can't be … I won't let it happen!"
"For Sarah; it will happen but the cause be will different since somehow she was able to retain her knowledge of her death. She was able to retain some small connection with the Universe, those dreams you saw is her connection to her father. This has lead to a condition that gave her enough hope and good will to avoid detection of the firewall. As long as she has hope that her father can join her, she won't be detected, however when he dies, and fails to show up …" Al spread his hands out in front of him.
"But … what if he knew … what if I go home and tell him ..." I let my words die as he sadly shook his head again.
"As I have said, the firewall is design to prevent such occurrences from happening. Besides, even if he knew she was in Nowhere; neither him nor you know where in Nowhere her little world is located. It would be like trying to find a single snowflake in a blizzard and you only get one shot. Once you enter Nowhere, you can never leave unless you desire it and when you do leave, you go straight to Elsewhere. Nor can you travel from Elsewhere to Nowhere directly, you have to be reborn and live a full life, by that time you will have forgotten everything; again that is a safeguard built into the system. Once Joel enters Nowhere, there is no way to know for sure if he found the right area or not; he could spend eternity thinking he found Sarah and in reality he found an empty cell and she is just a fake that he produce in his mind. Meanwhile, the real Sarah will be waiting and losing all hope until one day …"
"But … but … how did I end up there?"
"Another blip in the programming. Since you are not yet dead but somehow arrived at Nowhere, the program didn't kick in and you safely enter. You are self aware, and can leave to return to your existence any time you wish. You just have to want to badly enough. And yes, the odds of you returning back to Sarah after you return to your planet are actually worst then Joel reaching her. The odds of everything happening exactly as they had before are too great to even guess at. In the entire time of this great experiment known as life; this particular incident has never happened before, nor likely ever to happen again." He paused then looked uncomfortable, "And sorry, I know you don't like me reading your thoughts but yes. I might have nudge you towards her when I discovered what was occurring. Even that much is pushing the bounds of Free Will. I can only hope the good out weights the eventual consequences of my actions."
"Can't you … just … I don't know … move her to Elsewhere like you just did with me."
"No! Absolutely not." Al said with some anger in his voice. "First off, you asked and desired for help, that allowed me to intervene on your behalf without effecting Free Will. I can not … will not … violate her Free Will. Not this close to Elsewhere, not in such a blatant manner. I could, with the probability nearing 100 percent, cause such a backlash it could shut down the entire system. Wipe it all out in a nano second. Everything that is, was and will be; gone in less time then it takes to form a thought."
"You said you have broken Free Will ..."
"I nudged it on occasion, perhaps pushed or left little hints but never actually outright broke it. Even those times has caused problems on a galactic scale that are still being felt in some corners of the Universe. Not once have I try anything like that outside of your reality. And you will forgive me if I refuse to end everything for one young misguided girl."
"She is just a kid, asshole! She doesn't understand what she is doing!"
"It does not matter if she is twelve or a hundred and twelve, compare to me everything that lives is a child. However, she made that choice of her own free will and must either reap or suffer the consequences of that decision." He lowered his eyes and his voice. "I don't like it either, I have visited her enough to feel something towards her, she is bright and full of wonderment. She has created her own little world there, she is suffering greatly trying to do what she think is is the right thing. I don't want to see her suffer anymore but the safeguards are in place to keep actions like this from happening. I observe, I do not dictate. Power no matter the scale is as neutral as knowledge; yet, many of the greatest tragedies in history began with good intentions. It is better to allow suffering then to be turned into something to be feared."
"So … I have to convince her … to leave her dad … fucking wonderful."
"There are two other facts you should be aware of Ellie," he said as I took another swig. "One is Joel is losing hope quickly. You two have made a vow together, one that he is determine to full fill if you don't wake up soon."
Wait … what vow … I don't … then it hit me. Where he goes, I go and where I go …! Shit! Shit!
"Joel is going to kill himself!"
"Yes."
No, no, no! He can't do that! I'm not worth … I mean I would if he died because without him I am … but he is Joel! The world needs him! I can't … I can't … I won't let him die!
"Ellie, sit back down for a second," he pulled on my arm, trying to get me to sit back down. I don't even remember standing up. "He is not there yet, he still has some hope but the second thing you need to know is your own body is starting to fade."
"What?!"
"You have been gone about three weeks as your kind keep track of time. They have been able to keep you alive but there is only so much they can do with the resources available."
"How long before ..." then I stopped, in horror as something he said earlier worked its way to the front of my head. "What … what happens if I die and I am still with Sarah?"
"I thought I explain that earlier."
Shit! Oh holy hell! Shit! I … what the hell do I do? I can't stay here, staying here means losing Joel but if I leave, Sarah will be trapped here alone! Worst, if she stays too long she could get deleted! It would be like she never … for Joel's sake ... but if I stay here too long Sarah and I will … and then Joel will … oh hell, what do I do!