That what family are for

Nowhere Unknown

So, this is Florida. I was in Key West, Florida.

After seeing it, I kind of wish it wasn't such a wasteland in my world.

The Cordyceps fungus had a field day in the warm, moist, sub-tropical climate that made up most of Florida. My history teacher in Boston only mentioned Florida once and only as a footnote as a place no one entered or left since the Outbreak on the penalty of extreme prejudicial measures. In plain English, the military would shoot anyone trying to cross the border, in either direction. Marlene once told me that reclaiming Florida would be the clearest sign that Man has finally overcome Cordyceps for good. Joel didn't like talking about Florida, he would only say that the first reported cases from within the country came from some city there called Orlando.

The Smith family had a thick three-ring binder of full of historic texts about the early days of the Infection that they had printed out from their computer before everything went south on them. Apparently, once upon a time, there were several amusement parks in Orlando that attracted people from around the world. In Orlando, they would ride amusement rides, spend too much money buying useless crap, get fat, and generally enjoy themselves. Someone there, who might have visited from somewhere else in the world, had left a present behind for all of us to enjoy forever. The history text also reported that while the plague spread quickly in other areas of the country, it fucking exploded in Florida. Florida was the first place the government quarantine off, the first state placed under martail law, the first fire bomb in to oblivion. The first to die. In twenty years, according to everything I have ever learned about Florida, there is no recorded case of anyone emerging from Florida that wasn't infected.

Too bad, it was nice here in Key West. Very warm and the sand; I never walked around outside barefoot, let alone in the sand. In fact, until Joe took me drowning … er … I mean swimming, I'd never went without shoes outside before in my entire life. Boston was full of ruble that could cut your feet up, the boarding schools had rules about it, plus you never knew when you had to run like hell to get away from the Infected. It felt so damn weird the first couple times I went walking in the river to swim without shoes; still feels weird actually, it is like walking around half-dressed. Still, now, sitting on this pile of sand, it was kind of sweet. The sand felt so soft and … this is way better than the fucking snow. If I was sitting in the snow, piling it up over my bare feet like I was with this sand, I would be risking hypothermia; or at least have everyone deciding that I finally lost my fucking mind.

But man, somehow, this simple act of pushing the sand around my feet; who would had thought it could be so calming?

Al brought me here so I could think without any distractions, to have one moment of peace before I jumped back into the maelström that was my life. The sun was low in sky; I loved the sunsets in the mountains but watching it dip below the water, I don't know, maybe …

I wonder if I could talk Joel into visiting Florida.

If I made it back.

I love Joel, he is so many things to me and all of them as special as this sunset. I don't want to lose him, not now or ever; except …

I can't leave Sarah, not now. Even before Al told me everything, I think I had already made my decision. If anything, he added nothing to the argument, just letting me know what might happen if I fail.

Fail?

If?

Why do all the simple little words have to have such huge consequences connected to them?

"Grandpa!"

I turned to my right to see a family walking down by the water's edge. Two children, one was a boy, whose height told me he was early teen, and a younger girl were running around an older man, trying to kick the water up at him, the joyful laughter they made came through loud and clear. The kind of laughter rarely heard in my world. Behind the trio, a couple walked arm and arm, lost in each others embrace while letting the waves splash across their feet.

I couldn't see their faces, the sun blocked my view but …

That should have been Joel's family, if Sarah hadn't died, if the fucking plague hadn't happened.

I felt tears quietly slide down my face as I thought of all that Joel had lost, all this happiness that should have been his.

Fucking world … fucking world.

That scene just re-enforces my decision; Joel will be happy again! He will have his baby girl at his side after he dies. They will spend forever in Elsewhere together. I won't fail.

I can't fail.

He will just have to put up with me for a few more years, because damn it, he still have so much to give to the world.

I will succeed.

Succeed.

That sound so much better than 'can't fail', I think.

As the family passed out of my view and the last of the sun barely peeked over the ocean, AL stood next to me, well appeared actually, seemingly to soak up the last rays of light.

"You can still change your mind, Ellie," he spoke softly as his eyes met mine.

"No," I let out a sigh while standing up, after brushing off the sand from my green dress and picking up those freakish shoes. "I have to do this."

"The odds of your success is actually quiet small, you know."

"Never tell me the odds," I smirked, quoting a line from a movie that Joel, Tommy and all the rest of the adults just loved to watch over and over.

Old people are so weird sometimes.

"You know why he would said that, right?" AL said with a snort, "Solo wasn't smart enough to understand the concepts of odds."

"Yeah, well, neither am I, I guess," I gave him a smirk while he gave me a warm smile in return. "Let's do this, okay."

"As you wish."

I closed my eyes for a moment, before I opened them, I felt a pair of tiny arms wrapping around my waist and a head burying it self in my chest. I didn't even need to open my eyes as I return the embrace with Sarah. She cried her eyes out, telling me she was sorry she yelled at me and that she missed me. We both stood in her living room, crying and seeking comfort from each other while another one of Joel's nightmares raged outside the house. I ran my hand up and down her back, letting her know that I was here, that I would still be here for her, that I will always be here for her.

Because that is what family are for.

Jackson

Autumn +10 weeks

I woke up with a start, quickly assessing my surroundings as I reached for a weapon before my mind caught up to its self.

Instinct.

Nothing more than instinct honed after twenty-one years of this shit.

Instinct and lots of luck.

I relaxed as the warm, clean room of the clinic came into sharper focus; the sound of the even, soft breathing from the bed next to me from the most …

No, not the most important person but the only person that made any of this worthwhile.

Ellie.

I rubbed the last of the sleep from my face as I gently squeezed her hand. Her hand still felt warm and …

"Joel," Nancy gentle voice came from the doorway.

So, that was the noise that woke me up then. I must have heard her coming through the front door.

"Morning Nancy," I said, starting the daily ritual that we have gone through every morning for the past three weeks since I'd been released from the isolation room.

"Any changes during the night?"

"She is still strong," I said meekly as Nancy checked her vitals.

"She is a fighter," Nancy said with a grin. "No problem changing her IV's?"

"No."

"Good, her vitals are still okay."

Okay? Yeah, right. Three weeks ago, they were strong, then they were good, now … now they were 'okay'. 'Okay'. Oh sweetheart, you need to come back to me before …

"Why don't you go home and get some rest, Joel, I'll stay with her for a while."

All part of the ritual.

"I'll be back in an hour or so, Nancy. Just want to shower and change clothes, then I'll be right back." I said my lines perfectly.

"You should get some sleep, Joel. Take your time, I'm happy to stay with her for a while."

Did we even need to say anything by now? Probably not but something's you just had to endure for the sake of others.

"Thanks Nancy, but I wouldn't want to impose on y'all," I said gently laying Ellie's hand down on her chest. She looked so peaceful sleeping there, like an angle my grandmother would say. I started to leave the room when Nancy's voice stopped me.

"Joel."

Wait, this is not part of the scrip.

"Joel, you need to get some sleep;" I turned back to the woman who was in her early thirties, her concern shown in her blue eyes as she sat down next to Ellie. Like many here in Jackson, it has been years since she has left the pure hell out there for the tranquility life here offered. "I have no idea the turmoil you must be feeling now, I know. Still, you can only do so much, you have to worry about yourself as well. You don't sleep well, I bet you haven't eaten well either since she has been here. Take a day, recharge yourself; we will let you know if there is any changes."

I must have been a real sight for her to say that much and I must have been really worn out since I allowed a bit of honesty leak out in my answer. "That's Ellie's job, she … she don't like it when I try to do her job for her, you know."

"Okay, Joel;" she gave me a sad smile. "Just to give you fair warning though, when she wakes up, I will let her know how poorly you been taken care of yourself. She will be furious with you, you know."

"I know," I said looking at my baby girl on the bed, she was looking so pale, looking so … "She is going to whoop me upside the head." My voice slightly cracked as I gave Ellie a tight smile, "I can't wait." With a nod to Nancy, I headed home for a quick shower and bite to eat.

It has been a week since it last snow, I think, but the clouds hung low and it looked like there might be another storm soon. It was going to be dreary, gray winter day, the day was going to fit my mood perfectly. I eased my self down the wind-blown snowy steps, Shawn hadn't been by yet today to shovel them. I let out snort and a small smile slipped on my face.

Shawn has kept the walkways around the building clear of snow and ice, something that should have been Ellie's job since her library operated here but that boy stepped up without being asked. Yeah, he was a major pain in the rump most of the time but then again, he might just turn out alright … maybe. Those two were like cats and dogs, they couldn't be around each other for more than two minutes before a fight or competition broke out. They weren't enemies but they weren't exactly friends either; they did however respect each other.

Mary-Ann has been working Ellie's library after school on her days off from the Greenhouses. Poor girl, they moved her from the Stables to the greenhouses; she kept having a mental break downs when they harvested the animals. To help Mary-Ann get the animals off her mind, Ellie allow her to help out in the library. I don't know if Mary-Ann understands how much trust Ellie put in her. Me, her weapons, and her books, the three most important things in her life, and Ellie wasn't one to let just anyone around her possessions, unsupervised.

I let out a small chuckle as I walked home, despite the restrictions place on her due to her infection, she still managed to befriend some of the other children in town. As well gain the respect of many of the adults in Jackson as well. At first, they tolerated her because of Maria, Tommy and I, but eventually, that spunky red-head won them over because that is who she is … because … because she was the 'L', damn it; resistance was futile.

Damn it, something was in my eye again.

I opened our door, it wasn't locked, of course. No one was that stupid around here; even on the off-chance that someone, somehow, got past the Fence, both Ellie and I were smart enough to catch them in the house before they could get the drop on us. I stood there listening for a good minute before closing the door and taking off my boots.

Ellie tolerate no one wearing footwear in her home, one could walked across her floors in socks or barefoot but one did not move past the door wearing footwear. It was simply not done.

We had to rip out the carpet when we moved in, it was too damaged to keep. In its place, we had used tiles; Ellie spent many days perfecting each tile placement before we cemented them in place. We used larger tiles on most of the house, although in the living room, the closer you got to the fireplace the smaller and more colorful the tiles became. In front of the fireplace, in bright colors; she had spelled out our names.

Damn it.

Here in the house, unseen by anyone I let them flow. It's so not fair, she … she …

I knelt by the fire-place, stoking it and adding enough wood to get it blazing hot again. My mind wandered back to those fire starters Ellie made for the town, I wonder if anyone had figured … naw, I would have heard about by now. God, she had a nasty sense of humor. I'm still not sure if I want anyone to figure it out or not; it would be a great laugh but sure as shit there would be hell to pay.

As I stood, my moist eyes caught the simple picture frame that held a piece of my past. The picture of Sarah and I, smiling after the soccer championship. It was the only thing on the mantel, a place of honor for me and my little girl. I wish someone had been able to save a roll of film or even a Polaroid camera, something, anything; I just want a picture of Ellie to put up there with us. Without her picture; the scene just seems empty, incomplete.

I shook my head as I head to the shower.

The hot water refreshed me, allowed my mind to act at a normal level.

How do I get her to wake up? Why couldn't she wake up? Why wouldn't she wake up?

I hate questions.

For twenty years, I had no doubts about any questions or answers I needed; I lived or died. That was the only question that I ever had to answered. Clearly, I been lucky enough to have the right answers. Except …

Sarah, I thought as I dried myself, she had been quick. Brutal, sharp and quick; she hadn't suffer much, probably didn't even know what was happening. I suffered for years but she …

God, I miss my baby girl. Still, as much as I miss her, as much as I wish she hadn't died so young; there are times I am thankful that she never had to suffer through everything I had. For her, her death was a mercy in hindsight. Guilt riddle me when I think that way but it was the truth.

Tess. She ran out of luck at the worst possible moment. I gave myself a mental snort, there is never a good time to run out of luck. But she got bit, she decided to give Ellie and I a chance to escape; to go out in a blaze of glory. Just the way she always wanted to go, guns firing and all.

I left the bathroom to go to my room to get change into some clothes as I remembered her face as Ellie and I ran, that look of sad resignation in her eyes. That look, yeah I still see it my dreams. We had been close, more physical than emotionally but we had been partners for five or more years. She let me join her little operations, she let me rise to the top, her second in command. She trusted me, to a point and I trusted her just as far. However, I knew less about her past then she did of mine, hell I am not even sure if she was actually from Boston or from somewhere else. She sounded like a Yankee but then they all do. It was a running joke between us, how weird everyone up there spoke.

Ellie …

Ellie wasn't my daughter, she wasn't my wife either; saying that she was a partner like Tess also failed to explain for what Ellie meant to me. We've never been sexual and hugs was about as physical as we got but we love each other. We express our love for each other by a simple look, holding each others hands, a whisper in the night when one or both of us have trouble being asleep … a beat up old picture frame to hold memories.

I know what they say about us, behind our backs like cowards. No one was brave enough to bring it up honestly, even Tommy and Maria tip toe around the subject. Sometimes, all that nonsense made Ellie giggle, sometimes it annoys the hell out of her, most of the time she just ignores it. I never care, it wasn't important, it distracted from my main goal of keeping Ellie safe and happy. I think sometimes that detachment really annoys people like Barbra … icing on the cake as far as I'm concern.

Ellie wasn't my daughter, she wasn't my wife, she was more than a partner; she was my family. And if no one else could understand that … well, fuck them.

I check myself in the mirror, I was making sure my beard looked presentable, just in case. Just in case, today was the day she woke up.

And then I checked my revolver, one bullet in the cylinder, just in case. Just in case, today was the day she would never wake up.

As I walked into our living room, I let my gaze travel around the room to see if there was anything else I need to do before I left. Tommy or Steven would stop by periodically, to make sure the fire was still burning; there was enough wood next to the fire-place for another few days.

One day, Bruce claimed, they would figure out how to get the natural gas flowing again or make propane; so we could go back to heating our homes without relying on fireplaces. I always kept my opinions to myself but I don't see either one of those options coming back anytime soon. Drilling for oil was far to advance for us to attempt here in Jackson, even if there was enough oil left in the ground around here to drill. Plus, Yellowstone was only a few miles North of here, drilling holes into the Earth near the largest volcano in world didn't really strike me as a smart choice.

Nope, most likely option will be to either salvage enough electric heaters or enough materials to make them. The power plant is working well for the most part. Most of the turbines functioned reasonably well and they had enough now to keep some off-line to save for when there was an emergency.

I don't know why but my eyes lingered on the empty guitar stands in the corner by the fireplace. Back in late summer, Ellie had found a couple of guitars from somewhere, who knows where, in the restricted part of town. Even thought she is an adult by town standards, she still isn't allowed in that area without permission nor travel out there alone, but she still did. Ellie hasn't found a rule yet she hasn't broken at least once. I just wish she would let me know how she did it. Damn her sometimes, all she would do is give me that damn smile that made her eyes sparkle and say nothing.

Those two guitars had been pretty beat up, original strings missing but she had found some replacement strings before presenting them to me.

I felt … God, I know I told her that if we ever found one I would teach her how to play but …

Had I actually believe that Ellie could have found … I don't know why I was surprise when she did, it was Ellie after all. She is the 'L'; she is always doing the impossible.

The last time I actually had the want to play one was just before Sarah died. She had a sleep over with her best friends from school; I played my guitar while the gaggle of girls dance and sang in the living room. After Sarah died, I swore to her that I wouldn't play again until we met in heaven.

Then Ellie found not one but two guitars and wore a smile bigger then I have seen on her in a long while.

I'm such a heartless bastard sometimes.

I don't know why I ever try to lie to her, she can see through me as easily as I can see through her. She knew I was lying when I said that I was too tired to play right then and not sure when I would have the time later to play it either.

How the hell did I get away with that Lie about the Fireflies? She had that same look on her face, that same toneless 'Okay' … maybe I never did get away with that Lie. Maybe, she just decided to let me think I had?

I don't know which answer is worst.

Anyways, she just stuck them in the closet that night, we never talked about it again. Well, Ellie and I never spoke about them; although, Maria gave me an ear full two days later about it. Tommy was a bit more sympathetic towards me but not much, not after the way Ellie …

I am such a bastard. Why does she put up with me?

I walked over to the hall closet where she kept them, just to check on them, not really wanting to play one or anything. When I opened the door, I saw that one of them went missing …

Hers was missing …

God damn it!

I don't know why?

Why do I keep shitting on her parade?

The tears flowed again as I pick up the one she gave me, a Washburn acoustic guitar with aged wood body, like one I had in Texas. With the package of strings in my hand, I sat down on the couch to restring the instrument. It took longer then it should have to restring the guitar, but I never done it with shaky hands before or having to wipe my eyes clear either.

Did she sell hers? Probably, or more likely, gave it to someone else who was looking for one. Either way, it was my fault, she just keeps trying and I keep fucking it up.

Why?

Why does she care so much?

Why did she throw herself at a bear that was twice her size?

What have I ever done in my sad, pathetic life to deserve her?

My eyes glanced up at the picture as my hands stopped working on the strings.

Sarah. I made that promise twenty-one years ago, it and my watch was all I had that was just for her. But, I've tried everything else I could think of to wake up Ellie. Nothing seems to bring her home, she just …

I closed my eyes, asking for Sarah's forgiveness as I finished stringing the guitar. Ellie could never, would never, never wanted to replace Sarah. Ellie wanted to know about Sarah because she was my daughter, she was an important person in my life. Plus, Ellie always said it would help ease the pain after all these years to talk about it. I always wanted to forget, Ellie never wanted to and for once, Ellie was right.

"Baby girl," I said out loud while closing my eyes, setting the instrument down on the ground. "I know I promised you that I would never sing or play my guitar until we were together again. I said that in part because I wanted to make up for the fact that I … I failed to protect you. That I failed to keep you safe and alive and because I kept living while you got to go to heaven. And, I also didn't believe that I deserve to be that happy again. For years, I didn't but well, you know all about Ellie. Sarah, you will love Ellie when you finally meet her, I just know it. She is so sweet and kind and caring and she is more than I ever deserve after failing for so long. But, she is also pig-headed and stubborn as I am, and she seems to think I'm the greatest thing in the world." I fiddled with my watch as I spoke again. "She needs me, all of me, to be there for her. You, you are safe in heaven, probably hanging out with all your friends, driving the angles crazy with your music; your grandparents I am sure are watching over you as well. But baby girl, Ellie has no one here except me." I slowly unbuckled the watch, for the first time in twenty-one years. "I'm not leaving you or forgetting you. Please believe me when I tell you that Ellie isn't replacing you." I stood up and walked over to the fireplace. "But … but I need to move on baby girl, for her sake." I set the watch on the mantel in front of the picture. Tears flowed as easily from my eyes as I have seen from Ellie's. "I have to start worrying about her more, not worry about how my actions affect you. I hope you understand, Sarah, you will always be my baby girl, now and forever. I will always love you, Sarah."

I took a few deep breaths, getting myself back under a control. Without so much as a glance towards the fireplace, I grabbed the guitar and headed to the front door, leaving my watch behind. I was losing hope, yes. However, I was not going to stop the fight, not till it was over and even then I might fight for few minutes longer.

Will playing the guitar and singing help? I have no idea except I hadn't tried it yet.

Ellie never gave up on me and I will be damn if I do the same to her. I will sing, I will dance, I will fight through the gates of Hell for her.

Why?

Because that is what family are for.