Nowhere – Unknown
Ellie is scared.
She is scared of what the Old Man had told her, about what might happen to me if daddy didn't show up. It's been really frustrating as I keep trying to explain to her that it simply would not happen. That it wasn't likely to happen because dad will find me here and then we will be happy. Especially, when she come back for good, then the three of us will be a family forever. When she asked me just how I knew that dad would find me here but not in Elsewhere, I didn't try to answer her directly. I just told her I had faith in dad. But Ellie; ugh, she is not convince that I am right.
And her doubts were starting to make me doubt myself a bit as well. I know I need to be strong for dad but if he did die and show up in Elsewhere instead of here; I would never know really where he was unless the Old Man came and told me. If he end up in Nowhere himself because he wasn't properly saved or worst; I could see in her mind what that worst could be. The worst would be if daddy did tried to find me here but missed and end up somewhere else in Nowhere; he would never know that he was wrong. We would be separated forever.
Yeah, okay; I will admit that fear is now starting to really worry me as well.
Plus, she is scared daddy will force his death, commit a moral sin of suicide, if she doesn't return soon. I don't know how she knows that but it's scaring me since I think she might be right. His dreams have never been this bad, not even before he met her did he have this many nightmares, it was like every time he closed his eyes he would only dream bad things. There was a desperation to them as well that scared me, it was actually worst than when I first died. What if she is right? If dad …. you know, does something to make himself die earlier then God wanted him too, then he will never make it to Elsewhere. He would get sent to …
I know the Old Man said that there really is no Bad place like what we learned in Church but …
I don't want to think about that and I really, really, wish she would stop think about that as well.
I wanted to tell her to stop thinking like that, actually I wanted to scream at her to stop those ugly thoughts. I can't because she doesn't understand that I can read her thoughts like the Old Man had done. I wasn't trying, honestly I wasn't, I didn't even know I could until she showed up. I though it was just a trick that the Old Man did with me to make it easier to talk to me, allowing me to see some of his thoughts.
Although, I really had to pay attention to her thoughts because, unlike the Old Man who was calm and had an orderly mind, Ellie thoughts were really, really fast, and she was easily distracted. Her mind jumped around like crazy from one idea to the next, more often than not, her thoughts never follow a real pattern that I could understand. I know I should say something, to tell her the truth, it was rude to do this without her permission but she was still very annoyed that the Old Man had read her mind, so I think it would be best to avoid that subject entirely. For like … forever, yeah that works for me.
Also, if she knew I was reading her mind … she would try to hide her fears from me. Her fears for me.
What really scared her the most was what I have done for the past twenty-one years. I know to her that may seem like it was a really long time but really, it wasn't that bad. I didn't even realize just how lonely it was here; well, after she showed up. And when I though she left me …
Okay, maybe that was kind of really scary. I can't tell her that because she is already convince she can't leave until I do and if I tell her how scared I got being alone, she would never go back to daddy. I keep trying reminding her that I was fine for all those years and it hadn't been all that bad, really, but she doesn't believe me.
Ellie couldn't get past the though of being here alone, it was like torture to her. A fate that no one should ever … she kept thinking that she would rather be trapped in a room with that 'fucker David' forever then end up where I was. That 'David' memory was a really scary memory for her and I really wish I hadn't seen it in her head either. I had always thought it would have been cool, when I was alive, to be able to read other people's thoughts. Now that I had that ability, I wondering how I can unseen what should have never been seen. Poor Ellie.
Even with all her fears bubbling up underneath her thoughts, if I wasn't who I was, I think she would have left a long time ago. No, I know she would have run away a long time ago. She wanted to bolt even now, only her love for dad was keeping her here.
Crazy part was how it didn't matter how scared she was, how terrified she is now, Ellie never showed it. If I couldn't read her mind, I would never know how close she was to breaking down into tears. Now matter how terrified she was; she gave me smiles, talked in soft warm tones, and try to reason with me as if we were talking about really important things like boys and music. No matter how terrified she was about this place, about dad dying by his own hands; she was not going to leave me until I went to Elsewhere; regardless of the consequences to her or to dad.
I think …
I think that this is what love really is, maybe.
I think I'm beginning to understand why Ellie doesn't even think about doing anything with dad that only married people are supposed to do. Why Ellie doesn't even think about sex when my friends and I though about it and talked about doing it almost non-stop. My friends and I always assumed that if you love someone who was not in your family as much as Ellie did with dad that having sex was the best way, the only way, to show your love.
Man, we were stupid.
No wonder adults often told us that when we got older we would understand.
Ellie and dad …
…
Something is different, daddy is … what is different with daddy all of a sudden?
"Okay, Sarah;" Ellie said out of the blue, her thoughts focusing on something she learned in church.
It's kind of scary sometimes how her mind can bounce around so much but then focus so clearly on an idea that it was almost like she was shouting at the top of her lungs, like she was cheering at a game or at a concert. I think she would have drown out the PA guy at the Longhorn games, that is how loud her thoughts are now.
"You believe in that whole heaven and hell stuff, right?"
"Of course," it wasn't just stuff to me but the Truth. I know that Ellie didn't believe in it, that worried me a bit before I met her. How could you be a good person and not believe? Dad took her to church but I always got the impression that she was just going through the motions. I know dad believe or else he wouldn't have me learned about God at Sunday school. Plus, I am sure God would forgive him in the end, he tried his best to be a good man. And Ellie as well, she doesn't believe but she still does what she believes is the right thing. Funny how that is working out, ain't it?
"Okay, what if Elsewhere is where heaven is?"
"But heaven is where God lives, where you go to be happy and I'm happy here, I will be even happier once dad and you come to stay for good."
"Have you seen God yet?"
"Of course, Ellie; God is in you and in me and in everyone." I recited what I had learned all those years ago. "You can see God as well if you just open your heart to Him."
"Pftt, God doesn't want to see me," Ellie snorted, she makes some pretty funny faces at time. Then she voiced her feelings, "He knows I'll kick his ass for all the shit he put your dad through."
"Ellie, no!" I reached across the couch and wrapped my arms around her as she just rolled her eyes. "You must not think such thoughts! God ..."
…
"Sarah?"
…
"Sarah?!"
…
"Sarah!"
"Daddy," I whispered out in awe as Ellie held me tighter.
Shit! Joel? Shit!
"Sarah," I gently shook her as she laid in my arms, crying and shaking uncontrollably. "Sweetheart, talk to me please. What about Joel? What is wrong?"
Damn it Joel! I'm not dead yet, you fucking impatient bastard!
"Daddy is ..." she lifted her head, her smile was brighter than I have ever seen on anyone's face. "Daddy is … he is doing it for you. I can't believe it! I never in a million years would have believe he would do it! He is actually doing it! And only for you, I can't believe it, he is doing it just for you!"
"What is your daddy doing?" God, don't do it Joel! Please don't kill yourself, you old goat! I can't leave her like this, I can't go home yet to stop you! So don't you dare do it! "Sarah, please talk to me, I can't ..."
"He is singing," she said joyfully burying her head against me once again. "He is singing for you."
"He is singing," I repeated slowly. Well, okay then.
Son of a bitch! She is freaking out on me because her dad is singing. I let out a silent giggle as I restarted my heart. Holy fuck, that is a relief; here I though it was …
Wait!
What?
Fucking asshole!
Now he is fucking singing? That old goat, I am going to kick his ass! The fucker waits till I am completely out of it and can't hear him, and then he decides to finally sing! He better fucking hide from me when I get back because I am so going to kick his ass this time.
"Don't be mad at him," she said giggling and crying at the same time. "He means well, after all," she pulled out of my embrace to look into my eyes. "He is singing for you, only for you, so that you will go back to him. Singing and playing his music, Ellie, that was dad's one great passion. That was what made him the happiest, just sitting around the house on his days off and playing for me and Uncle Tommy and whoever else happened to be around. When I died … when I died, he swore that he would never play again. Dad didn't believe he deserve to be that happy ever again." Sarah shook her head, "But you, Ellie, you showed him that he does deserve to be happy again. That he can be happy again. Thank you so much Ellie!"
She pushed herself back in to my embrace as I let a few tears fall as well. Oh Joel, what am I going to do with you? You … you, silly old goat, you.
"I guess," she said sadly now, "I guess I had been stupid all these years."
"No, Sarah, no you haven't," I pulled her back so she could see that I was being honest with her. "Your heart was in the right place, you wanted to be there for your dad, just as Joel as always been there for you. Look, you may have been misguided but you have never been stupid. You did the best you could do, and that … well, that counts for something, right?"
"Thanks Ellie," she gave me a sad but sweet smile and then let out a loud sigh. "You still won't leave till I do, will you?"
"I … I can't Sarah," I said as she tapped her leg and nodding to herself. "I have to make sure you are safe before I can go home."
"I'm still scared Ellie," she was biting her lower lip looking around the house. "This is my home, this is all of our home. Are you … you really think dad will be able to ..."
"You will be the first person he looks for, I can promise you that, and when I get there, I will be looking for you as well. And we will find you, because our hearts will lead us straight to you." I though about Colorado and those inbred asshole, I saw her flinch … strange … but I moved on. "As I have said before, if your dad can find me in a blizzard; we can find you in Elsewhere. And whoever is in charge there better get the hell out-of-the-way when we will get there or else." I gave her my best cocky grin as she just let out a frustrated sigh while closing her eyes.
"Y'all really need to stop saying things like that, God might not think it is so funny." I just let out a snort. Yea right, whatever, everyone loves my jokes. I am the 'L', after all. She let out a giggle and then sobered up rather quickly. "Alright, Ellie; I will go. I know with you around, my daddy is in good hands. Thanks for being a great big sister."
"That is what families are for, Sarah." I gave her hand a squeeze, "can you find your way there?"
"The Old Man will walk with me to make sure I get there alright," she pointed behind me towards the front door. I saw him standing there, still looking like that old guy from the dinosaur movie, he even had that same cane in his right hand. Yeah, carrying around a fossilized bug, that ain't creepy at all. He dipped his head in my direction and giving me a small grin. Oh yeah, forgot; mind reading that ain't creepy either. "Don't worry, when you come back you will be able to do the same thing, it won't seem so creepy then."
"If you say so Sarah … wait! You are in my head too?" I spun back around to her as she give me a sheepish smile and trying hard to look anywhere but at me. "Never … never mind. I just hope I hadn't … freaked you out or anything." Yeah, this will never be awkward later.
"No! No, of course not!"
Gads, she is a horrible liar! Clean thoughts, think only clean thoughts.
"I will see you again, one day, Ellie." She said getting up from the couch and gave my hand one last squeezed. "Just, I hope it ain't too soon, you understand?"
"I understand," I said softly watching her walk to the door as the Old Man, who was wearing an all white suit this time, held out his arm for her to take.
"I Love you," she said softly as a bright light began filling the doorway. "Mom."
"Love you too, Sarah," I said softly as the light enveloped her and the Old Man …
I felt a whimper escape my lips as the light … oh the light! It felt so warm and so loving and … I felt myself standing up without thought as I reached out with my hand … I wanted to touch the light! I need to belong to the light!
"No, no, no," a jolly, light female voice said from behind me. I spun away from the light to see a woman a few years older than me sitting on the kitchen bar, her bare feet swing freely as she wagged her finger at me. She was a curly blond hair woman with three odd-looking scars on her forehead, a smile that spoke of love and wearing a long cloak that had the same white/black living pattern as the Old Man's suit had been when I met him earlier. "It is not yet your time, you still have much to do in your world before you can follow the light."
I turn my head back to the front door, the light was gone as well as Sarah and the Old Man. I turn back to the woman, who was still on the bar wearing a mischief smile on her lips.
"Yes, Sarah is safe now, thanks to you." She said before I could even form the thought. "Yes, I am reading your mind, it is faster this way." She hopped off the bar and … man, she is same height as me. "You've killed two rats with one shot, not bad for such a lower life form." Oh lovely, now I being insulted by … whatever she was, I wonder what her name is? "Not important, what is important is getting you back to where you belong before any more damage can occur. Unlike my assistants, I really don't like having to run around cleaning up their messes nor the time actually. Forever might sound like a long time to one such as yourself but it is not really. And yes, I'm in charge. No, I am just using this projection so I can interact with you. Yes, I happen to like this particular image, she was rather annoying creature like yourself, even if she wasn't as rude as you are. I think the two of you would get along rather famously, if you'd ever met. And no, your jokes are not that funny."
She grabbed me by the arm, and gently pulled me towards the back door. I did have one question she failed to answer so I spoke out loud just to ease my mind.
"What about Joel?"
"Now see that path," she asked me as we step through the door on to the back porch, ignoring my question. "Just follow that path and you will find yourself in your own body." She gave me a slight push towards a path in the woods. "Thank you again for coming, we have all enjoyed your stay immensely, and remember to always try to have a wonderful life. Bye bye!"
"Wait, what about Joel," I said spin around to face the woman.
"Your partner is still alive and waiting for you, now run along. Don't forget to write." She gave me another, somewhat less gentle, push towards the path that was staring to get surrounded by a gray mist.
"No, what do I tell him about, well, all of this!" I felt a gentle tug forcing me back. I tried to pushed against it, trying to make my way back to the strange woman.
"Anything you want," she responded with a shit eating grin on her face as she was waving at me. "It's not like you are going to remember anything anyways."
"What? Are you fucking kidding me," that gentle tug was getting stronger but damn it! I want answers and I ain't leaving till I get my answers!
"Ellie, you have working knowledge of the Afterlife; I can't let you go back with that knowledge. It would be an unfair advantage over the other mortals on your world."
"It would be an edge, I would have an edge in surviving! And I not going to tell anyone but Joel!"
"Someone might over hear you, and that would make things worst because they might believe you. Make you into a prophet, a leader in a new religion. And you can trust me on this when I say that last thing this old Universe needs is another religion," she said with an eye roll but never losing her smile.
I'm really starting to hate that smile.
"This is bullshit!" I was really struggling against this pull now but I am not giving up yet.
"Plus, my young friend, it would be against the rules ..."
"Trust me, it is fun to break rules! You should really try it once, like now would be a great time to start."
"Ah, that is so sweet of you. Still, I couldn't ask you to violate your morals for me, Ellie, it just won't be fair to you but thank you for the offer."
"Morals? What morals? I have no fucking morals!" What the hell is pulling on me? One of those big turbines they have a t the power plant?
"And I would also hate for you to lose all of your respect for me as well ..."
"I can't lose what I never had!"
"You are so adorable when you are in denial. It has been a pleasure meeting you, Ellie. Bye bye now."
"You know, this is why no one believes in you!" I screamed out as the gray fog closed in around me, cutting me off from … whatever that was that I had talked too. "Fucking asshole!"
Jackson
Autumn +10 weeks
If Nancy hadn't warned me, I never would have believe it.
Joel, sitting next to Ellie and playing a guitar, really well I might add. Still not something I would have ever guess that this was something he would do for Ellie.
He has a really great voice as well. Very deep and soft, the deep part I expected since he was a big guy but the softness? Wow. He must have melted a lot of hearts back in high school. I wonder why Tommy never told me about this side of Joel. Probably because I never would have believed him, most likely. Yeah, well; hearing is believing.
"That song came from a singer named Kenny Rogers, he sang that particular tune for a movie he made back in the Eighties, the Nineteen Eighties I should say, you know way back in olden days." Joel let out a chuckle and I quietly laughed as well. My dad remembered way back when but I was a child of the new century, even if I was born in Nineteen Ninety Eight. He then let out a tired sigh, "I hope you come back to me soon, sweetheart, Maria shouldn't be the only one who gets to enjoy this music."
I blinked. How? I have been as quiet as a church mouse, how did he know I have stood here?"
"Come on in, Maria;" Joel said quietly as he strummed his guitar. "No sense in standing out in the hallway."
"How did you know I was out there," I asked as I walked into the room.
"I heard you coming through the front door," he shrugged his shoulders as if that should have been obvious to me.
"Love to learn that trick one day," I smiled as I sat down in the other chair.
"Not something that is teachable, just experience," he said gently. "Ellie learned how to do because she had to know, her survival depended on it, but if we try to teach someone here in Jackson, it wouldn't work because it is not needed."
We both sat there in silence as he strummed his guitar. I was searching for something to say, anything to help ease the burden he was feeling but …
Words escape me, even dad, my rock in those awful times before I met Tommy, had no words to help Joel.
"This next song … well, it isn't exactly as song. More like a story set to music, it ain't really good, in fact it kind of sucks but maybe after you wake up, we can work on it together sweetheart." Joel changed the tempo a bit, making it slow and sad as he began to sing.
There was a man, an old man
whose child died many years before
A selfish man who heart was as cold as stone
Up in old bean town he had been
since the world had come to an end
A friend had came one summer day
with a little girl was in tow
the west is where she needed to go
The cure for all
she had in her blood
'Just get her to the Fireflies
that all I ask and then I can die'
Oh, how the old man flew into a rage
his friend can not die
but the choice was not their to decide
His friend took his hand and place it in the little girl's hand
and simple said
Taker her hand, old man, and she will lead you,
Lead you to the promise land
She has that spark
that will reignite that old heart
and you wouldn't believe
just how bright your light can be
Feel free
to share all your memories
It's through Sarah's hopes and dreams
She will see the person you're always meant to be
So taker her hand
and go save humanity
With a heavy heart
he took off
He traveled across this old country
with that little girl in tow
Trying as hard he could
to make sure she stay at arms length
Somehow that girl wormed her way into his heart
While trying to protect her he often found her at his side
protecting his blind spot
With a grin and a giggle she would just say
Hey, old man, come take my hand
and I will lead you,
lead you to the promise land
I have that spark
that will reignite that cold heart
and you wouldn't believe
just how bright your light can be
Feel free
to share all your memories
Through Sarah's hopes and dreams
I can see the person you were always meant to be
So take my hand
let's go save your humanity
Then one day his luck ran out
a piece of rebar
was sticking out his gut
He knew he was going to die
it would be suicide
for that little girl if she didn't leave him behind
He opened his eyes
to see her still by his side
as she cried
'I'm not going to let you die'
She said, hey old man, come take my hand
and I will lead you,
lead you to the promise land
I have that spark
that will reignite that heart
and you wouldn't believe
just how bright your light can be
Feel free
to share all your memories
Through Sarah's hopes and dreams
I can see the person you were always meant to be
So take my hand
let's go save your humanity
While that man was still ill
some nasty men came for his little girl
to cause her harm and turn her against her own will
He awoke with a start
his heart told him of trouble she was in
As he fought his way through a town
looking for his young gun
he finally found her in a burning lodge
In her eyes he saw the worst
her soul was dying as he watched
He want to kill everyone that he could find
who inured her so
but he knew violence would not save her now
So he simply held out his hand and said
Come take my hand, I will lead,
Lead you to the promise land
I believe I have the spark
that will save that beautiful heart
and you wouldn't believe
just how bright your light can still be
Feel free
to explore all my memories
Through Sarah's hopes and dreams
I will see the person you were always meant to be
So take this old man's hand
lets us save your humanity
Now there will be a many tales of those two
stories of the ages, handed down for to enjoy
Yes there will be many tales
of great battles and many lies will be told
of Ellie and Joel
but their greatest victory
will never be shared
but they know it was on that snowy day
where it was their love and not their weapons
that saved them all.
They said take my hand, and we will lead you
lead you to the promise land
We have that spark
to reignite that heart
and you wouldn't believe
just how bright your light can be
We will explore our memories
through Sarah's hopes and dreams
we both can see the people
we were always meant to be
So with our hands,
we will be
a family
I couldn't help myself, I was bawling. Oh the song sucked, it would take a million years to edit it into something worthy of being called a song, even then it would never had been produce back in the old days but that is what made it so beautiful.
It was pure, unedited, non-rehearsed, completely honest Joel, laying open bare for everyone to see. For everyone to see just how much Ellie meant to him, how much she had changed him, and how much he loved her.
It was so pure and … gosh darn it, I am going to be bawling for hours I just know it. I will never be able to explain to Tommy or dad why this horrible song had moved me so much, this was one of those things that …
"A family," a whispered voice echo Joel's hoarse voice.
I … no … it couldn't be, I looked at Joel and his eyes grew bigger and bigger as he stared at …
Ellie's hand was reaching out for his hand.
"Ellie," he whispered as he drop the guitar to take her hand. "Ellie, you are awake." His eyes, already red and swollen from crying during the song, grew even shinier as he sweep her up in an embrace. "Ellie!"
"Joel?" Ellie voice sounding confuse but that didn't stop her from hugging him back.
I wanted to hug her too, but I couldn't move from my seat. I just kept rocking in my chair, hands covering my mouth and tears running down my face; thanking God with every ragged breath I had. Ellie came home to us, to Joel!
"Joel, why are you … fuck bear!" She tried to pull away as Joel held on tighter, telling her it was okay. "Joel?"
"It's okay sweetheart, everything is fine now. You killed that bear, you saved me again."
"Then why are you crying? Why is Maria crying?"
"We are just so happy you came back to us," Joel said through his tears.
"Well, stop it! You are going to make me start crying too and I don't even know why!"
"You have slept for three weeks, Ellie," I told her in ragged sobbed filled breaths. "We were all afraid … Joel has been so worried."
"What do you mean? Where am I?"
"You are in the clinic and … shit ..." oops, I forgot to call Andy. I dropped the radio a couple of times before I was able to make the call. "Andy, Andy, I need you at the clinic now!"
"This is control, what is your call sign? Over!" Diana sounded professionally annoyed, made me giggle harder as I hit the send button again.
"Control, I need Andy at the clinic, Ellie is awake! She is talking and everything, we need him here as soon as possible."
"You jerk, now you got me crying," Ellie said softly still holding on to Joel.
"Medic One to Medic Two, meet me at the clinic asap!"
"Medic two, here; on my way, just left school-house, children excited about the news, over."
"Control to all units, sounds like Christmas has come early, stand by for any updates. Control clear."