Sorry I haven't updated latley...I just found out that I am pregnant!!!

Same Night

Olivia's POV

As I closed the door to Alyssa's room, I heard the faint whimper and sob escape her lips. I leaned against her door and closed my eyes for a moment, then forced myself to go into my own room. I picked up my cell phone and called Elliot.

"Hey, It's Liv."

"Hey baby. How are you?"

"I am doing fairly well. Alyssa and McKenna moved in with me."

"Why?"

"She was scared Elliot what was I suppose to do?" I almost yelled.

"I didn't mean it like that." Elliot sighed. "How is she?"

"Better, I guess."

"You want to go out for dinner tomorrow night?"

"I don't know if I can leave her alone."

"Liv, she is a grown woman. I am sure she will be pissed that you think you have to baby-sit her."

"But El."

"Have Casey come over and stay with her."

"I guess so."

"So are we one for tomorrow then?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you too." I said seductively. I can just see him shifting now, that voice always makes him hot.

"Hmm. You know what I would do if you where here with me right now?"

"What?"

"I would kiss your lips, then work my way down to your sweet spot."

"I do not have a sweet spot."

"Olivia, every time I kiss you there, you turn into putty,"

Before I could protest I heard screams. "Elliot hold on."

"Okay, but hurry back."

I got off the bed in time to see Alyssa walking out of McKenna's room. "Did she have a nightmare?"

"No." She whispered, embarrassed. "I did."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No. I am fine. I am sorry I woke you up."

"Really it's okay."

"Is it always going to be this hard?"

I had no idea what to say. I didn't know what she is going through, yeah I see it at work. But it is different when it happens personally. "I promise it will get easier." I said shaky

"You don't sound too sure." She said, before I could respond her door was shut, leaving me alone in the dark hallway. I went back into my room and told Elliot good-night. I walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Several tears found their way down my face. Why was I crying? I wasn't the one who was raped? I wasn't the one who was beaten and left for dead. So why was I crying? I turned off the faucet and went back into my room only to discover McKenna. She was sitting on my bed. She had a stuffed animal named lumpkin which she only held and carried when she was scared or sad. "Can I stay with you?" I nodded, knowing she needed to be comforted. "Mommy is sad."

"I know, but soon she will be okay."

"How long are we going to stay here?"

"Till mommy is ready to leave."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you believe in Angels?"

"Yes, I do."

"Me, too"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because Mommy needs an angel"

"She has one." I said tucking a piece of her stray hair behind her ear. "Her name is McKenna."

Sunday Morning

Park Playground

Alyssa's POV

Olivia pushed McKenna on the swing. I could hear her giggles from across the park. I was telling John and Elliot about the attack while Fin played with Olivia and My child.

When we finished we joined the other 3. When we got home Olivia and I made lunch while McKenna played with her dollhouse that Elliot brought over. Olivia put the noodles in the water. I sat on the counter as she stirred. "So how did it go?"

"Well, lets just say I know what it is like to be the victim now." I stared at the floor below my feet.

"What are you thinking?"

"I just. It seems." I stammered unsure of what to say. "I just feel that I am now powerless. I am afraid that when I go back to work, I won't be able to handle interrogating the perps or talking to the Victims without getting emotional or violent. Why didn't I fight back. I let him hurt me. I am such an idiot."

"Listen. You are not an idiot. It is not your fault he did that to you. You can't control other people. He is a lot stronger than you. You are not powerless you are just. Lost. I am sure that once you get back to work on ass duty for a while you will get into the swing of things again. Just take this time to focus on you and your little girl in the other room."

I listened to everything Olivia said. McKenna walked into her room carrying her three favorite Barbie dolls. One had brown short hair that came to her shoulders. The other had brown curly hair and the second was a smaller version of the one with curly hair. McKenna named them Olivia, Alyssa and McKenna. "Mommy, Aunt Livia, will you play Barbie's?"

"Sweetie Aunt Olivia and I are talking, besides lunch will be ready in a few minutes. Go play in the livingroom. I promise we will play before bedtime."

She instantly grew red in the face. "Uh-oh she has the famous Alyssa Jackson face."

"What?" I asked Olivia whose eyes were quite wide.

"When you get pissed your face grows bright red. That is when you run for your life."

"I want to play Barbie's now damn it." She shouted.

"McKenna, watch your mouth. You should not be talking like that." I got off the counter. I wasn't yelling, but I did slightly raise my voice firmly."

"So, I don't care."

"Well I do. I am not going to have my child disrespect me or anyone else. I think you need to say you're sorry to Olivia for saying that."

"Sorry." She grumbled.

"Now, go to your room and sit on your bed until lunch is done."

McKenna stormed off to her room; the door slammed and shook the pictures in the hallway. "Wow" was all Olivia could say.

"What?"

"Nice work. You handled that really well."

"That was the first time I have ever had to punish her."

"Then why do you look so sad?"

"No one likes to punish their kids."

"She'll get over it."

We finished making lunch and I went to get Kenna. "Pumpkin, lunch is done."

"I am not hungry."

"I am sorry I had to raise my voice to you, but it wasn't very nice the way you talked to us."

"I'm sorry." She said, she looked at me with her big blue eyes. " Are you mad?"

"No, I'm not mad." I hugged her. "Now do you want to come and eat? We made your favorite, Mac and Cheese."

"Yum. Can we play Barbie's after?"

"Only if Aunt Olivia wants to."

Between the three of us we managed to down two boxes of Mac and Cheese and 10 hot dogs. I was very hungry because I have barely eaten in the last couple days. While we cleaned the dishes McKenna went to set up her dolls. Olivia walked to the closet to get a towel to dry the dishes I was washing. I heard a loud scream from Olivia, followed by a loud crash. I came out to find Olivia on the floor laying on top of McKenna's toys that she had knocked over off the table. "What the hell?"

Olivia was holding on to her chest right above her heart. All she could do was point. I followed her finger and smirked when I saw McKenna sitting in the closet with a scary Halloween mask on. "Roar" McKenna growled.

"Oh no." I shouted playfully. I ran into my room and grabbed the laundry hamper. I came back out to find the door shut and Olivia, who recovered from her near heart attack, leaning up against it.

"Alyssa there is a monster in the closet."

Olivia reopened the door and I put the hamper over McKenna as she crawled out. Olivia leaned on the basket. I kneeled down to meet her yellow eyes.

"What are you doing in my closet?" I asked

"I am not a monster"

"Oh really, because your yellow eyes, black teeth and hairy face are telling me otherwise."

"Mommy it's me."

"Me? Me who?"

"McKenna"

"You can't be McKenna. She has beautiful blue eyes and curly brown hair."

I watched McKenna as she pulled off the mask. "See mommy."

"Oh, my you are McKenna."

"Told you so." She smiled. "Now let me out."

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because Olivia is leaning against the basket.

"Well get her off"

"She is too strong."

"Olivia Benson, you get off right now." Olivia glanced at me. She mouthed 1-2-3. On 3 we both ran and hid around the apartment. McKenna searched for us, but we kept finding new hiding spots. After twenty minutes I heard the sobs. "Momma!"

Tears filled my eyes as I came out from behind the couch. She was on the floor crying. I picked her up and she rested her head against my shoulder. Olivia came out from behind the TV stand and placed her hand on McKenna's back. "What is wrong with her?"

"McKenna, why are you crying?" I asked her.

She was quiet for a second. She lifted her head up. "Ha Ha Ha, McKenna wins!"

"You think you are just so funny." I said as I tickled McKenna. "Who's the funniest mom in the world?"

"You are." She said between giggles.

"McKenna, Alyssa" We both turned to Olivia. Our eyes were bright, our skin was glowing from laughter and sweat beaded our faces. She held a camera up and took our pictures.

"I love you mommy."

"I love you too."

McKenna stood up and wandered over to Olivia. "I love you too."

"I love you lots McKenna," Olivia hugged her.

"Can we play dollies now?"

"Sure' we both said. As we sat down McKenna looked at me. "Mommy?"

"Yes, baby doll."

"Do you love Olivia?"

"Yes, she is my best friend."

"Olivia do you love my mommy?"

"She is my sister" McKenna crawled over to Olivia and whispered in her ear. "McKenna, you are so much like your mamma, you two could pass for twins." Olivia laughed.

"Mommy, I want to live here forever."

"We can't stay here forever, honey"

"Why not?" She said. "I like it here."

"I do too, but Olivia and Elliot are going to move in together soon."

"He can have my room, I'll sleep on the floor. Please Olivia can we stay forever?"

Neither of us knew what to say. "Honey, you can come spend the night. After school you come down to the station, I'll see you then."

"Don't you love me?"

"Of Course I love you and your mommy. But I love Elliot too. And we are a family."

"Sweetie, things change." I said stroking her hair. "Okay?"

"Okay." She whispered. She stood up and walked away with her Olivia doll.

"Don't you want to play dolls?" I asked.

"No, not anymore." She walked into her room and shut the door.

I leaned my head back on the couch cushion. " I didn't think it was going to be so hard."

"She had to learn, Alyssa. Things are going to be changing soon."

"Seems that a lot of things are changing lately." I mumbled. "So what time is your date with Elliot?"

"Later tonight, I think we might go to see a movie or something."

"If you want the apartment to yourself, McKenna and I can go out for a while."

"We will go over to his place. So what are you doing tonight?"

"Casey wants to get together to talk about the trial. We are going to see if McKenna will want to testify. The trial is in a week. I think I will be more relaxed once her kidnappers are put in jail."

"What about Aidan?"

"What about him?"

"Are you going to press charges?"

"I don't know, I mean I don't think I can handle going to court over two different cases right now."

"You should think about it."

"I will."

Without another word Olivia went into her room, leaving me to ponder. I had so much on my mind. I have to get through McKenna's case before I can even think about my rape. Rape. I still can't believe that I was raped. I am a cop, not just any cop but a sex crimes detective. I arrest the bad guys and make the victims feel safe. Now I am a victim. How could I have let this happen to me?

How the hell can I protect others when I can't even protect myself?

Maybe I can't be an SVU detective anymore.

Maybe I shouldn't