Sorry I haven't updated lately. I have been busy with school and baby things.
This chapter is short, I promise I will make it up to you. I am having a tad bit of writers block
3 weeks later
Outside the 1-6 precinct
McKenna and I had moved out of Olivia's apartment two weeks ago. We now live a beautiful three-bedroom apartment in Manhattan, about 10 blocks from Olivia. I haven't seen her since we moved out. The squad had caught a long case. Worked nearly night and day for a week and a half straight. To be honest it was nice that Olivia and I haven't talked, don't get me wrong, I love her, but it was nice for me and McKenna to get our lives back on track. McKenna had started school yesterday. She loves it; she loves her teacher and has already made several friends. I wasn't worried about her making friends, because she is such a like-able person.
It was my first day back. Cragen had given me an extra week of leave so that I wasn't overly stressed for McKenna's trial. Casey did an amazing job; the Smiths had been sentenced to 50 years in jail.
I had dropped McKenna off at school and drove to work. I had been parked in my assigned parking spot for several minutes. My car was still running and I was tightly gripping the steering wheel, debating what to do. Telling myself that I wasn't ready, I started to put the car in reverse. A rap startled me; I looked to see Captain Cragen. He motioned for me to get out of the car. I turned off the car and grabbed my bag. The sun instantly heated up my skin. He shut my door for me after I got out.
"Donna, the secretary called me and said you had been parked out here for 10 minutes. I knew there was something wrong."
"I am not ready."
"Yeah, you are. If you weren't ready, you wouldn't have even driven here."
"I changed my mind."
"No, you didn't. You have been in my squad for two years. I know you. It is just nerves. You think you can't protect others now. You can."
"How do you know?"
"I have been a captain for several years, since before you were born. Every single one of my detectives has had a personal crisis and didn't know if they could be cops anymore."
"Really?"
"Olivia got a teenaged girl to confess that she murdered her mom, only to find out her mom was a drunk. Her and her mom had been fighting over the 21 year old she was seeing. Olivia went and searched the apartment, found hundreds of vodka bottles. Olivia told Casey about a story of when she was 16; her mother nearly killed her with a vodka bottle, because she wanted to leave her mother. No one knows this but she almost quit."
"I knew her mother was a drunk."
"So did most of the squad, but she never said anything about her mother abusing her."
"What made her stay?"
"She didn't want other Carries or Olivias to suffer." Cragen paused. "I know you don't want any girlfriends or wives to suffer from their spouses abuse."
I stared at him for what seemed like hours. "You're right. I was being selfish."
"No, you were being a normal person going through a crisis. So how about we go inside and get you reacquainted with your desk."
"Sure." I went to walk around him to go inside, I gasped when he grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug.
"I am glad you are okay. You are like my daughter."
"Thanks" I whispered trying to hold back the tears.
We walked inside, my pace slowed when we reached the doors. Don gave me a reassuring look before I walked in. Everyone was at his or her desks. I placed my bag under my desk and walked my jacket over to the coat rack. I turned to see Olivia standing behind me. "Good to see you back."
"Feels nice to be here. It will feel even better when I get to bust perps again."
"I miss watching you run." I laughed as I turned to John.
"Yeah it is probably the best ass you have seen in a long time." I said purposefully running a hand over my butt.
"Ah, I see you didn't lose your not so funny remarks." John said with a tap on my back.
"I lost a lot of things John, but I will never lose the ability to make fun of you."
"So Alyssa how is McKenna?" Fin asked
"Great, she started school and is having a blast."
We all talked for a couple minutes before Cragen walked into the room. He was carrying a box of donuts. "One PP sent these up here."
I held my hand up to my heart and sucked in a breath of air loudly. "You mean they have hearts? They actually care?"
Everyone laughed as they grabbed a donut or in my case 3, which I had managed to gobble down before some, had even finished one. No one said a thing and I was glad, normally I would only eat a half a donut.
After 2 hours of doing excitably boring paperwork, I rushed off to the ladies room. I passed Olivia who was standing at the coffee machine. I held my hand over my mouth. I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet and washed my face. I got back to my seat and ignored the four pairs of eyes watching me. "You will get more done looking at the papers and not me." I said not looking up.
"Are you feeling okay?" Elliot asked
"Just catching a cold or the flu."
"You sure?" Elliot asked. He walked over and felt my forehead. "No Fever"
"Elliot I am not a child."
"But you are my friend."
"Look I am fine, I just had to much to eat."
"I remember Kathy eat so much one time she was sick for an hour, of course she was." Elliot stopped when he saw the scared look on my face. " Can I talk to you in the cribs for a second?"
"Sure." I followed him, when we got inside he shut the door and leaned against it. I had my back facing him, knowing what was about to be said.
"You're pregnant aren't you?"
"I don't know." I said.
"Does Olivia know?"
"I don't know if I am. Besides we haven't talked since I moved out."
"Why not?"
"I didn't want Olivia to think that I need her for everything. For the last couple weeks I have been on my own, not leaning on Olivia."
"She doesn't think that. She knows that you were going through something hard and you needed someone there."
"What if I am? What am I going to do?"
"You will raise this baby and give it a good life. You are a good mom to McKenna and you will do the same for this baby." He said. "Have you taken a test?"
"Elliot, I really don't want to talk about this with you, not to be mean or anything. I can handle this on my own."
"Okay, it's fine. I understand" He opened the door. "We should get back to work."
"I am going to hang out here for a little while."
"Okay." He quietly shut the door and collapsed on one of the hard and uncomfortable cots. I must have fallen asleep because Olivia was shaking me roughly.
"Alyssa, wake up." She said. I opened my eyes. She was sitting on the bed holding something in her hand. "Elliot told me about your conversation. So I went to the drug store and got a test."
I didn't say anything; I just stared at the white and pink box. The box that was going to tell me the future. I watched as Olivia opened it and handed me one of the two sticks. She held one out to me. I sat up and shakily reached for it. I grasped it in my hands so tight I thought I was going to break it. I shivered as I pulled the blanket off of me and stood up. I slowly made my way to the door and looked at Olivia before I shut the door. She gave me a smile that calmed me down just a little.
After I finished my business, I carried the test out to Olivia. I laid it on the floor and sat on the bunk. Olivia's arm wrapped around me. "Nervous?"
"Yeah."
"It will work out in the end."
"Will it?" I asked. Without saying anything else, she knew what I meant. She didn't know what to say. For the remainder of the wait we sat in peace. Her cell Phone alarm went off signaling it was time. She picked it up and handed it to me.
"What is it?"
"McKenna is going to be a big sister." I smiled and let out a wet laugh, from the tears I was crying. "Oh, Olivia, a baby."
"So I take it, you are happy."
"I don't care that this baby was conceived by rape. I am happy that this baby was conceived."
"Congratulations Mommy."
"I am going to be a mommy again."