A/N: I apologize for the long wait between chapters; this was exceptionally hard to write, and I wanted it to be worth the wait.
For six weeks Rachel had refused to go back to the center; she insisted that she was simply too busy and too tired, but Finn knew that it wasn't the truth. She'd sobbed for hours after the incident with Emma, and then she'd refused to discuss it. No amount of pleading from Sister Theresa and Caroline, berating from Santana, or reasoning from Finn changed her mind. Instead she went to rehearsal every morning and came home every afternoon, walking through the days like a zombie completely lost; sometimes she had these nightmares where she'd wake up crying and it would take him an hour just to get her to stop shaking. Finn had never felt so helpless in his life; there was nothing he could do to fix things for his wife, and it was killing him. What was worse was the fact that he had no idea what had happened other than that it was something to do with Emma. He could see no other option, and so on his way home from the office he directed the cab driver to take him to the center.
He headed straight to Caroline's office, determined to get to the bottom of the situation, and as he passed the room where the children were gathered to watch a movie he spotted a familiar pair of piercing bright blue eyes; there was something about the way that little girl looked at him, as if he could rescue her, that shook him to his core. He'd give anything to be able to help her, but he just didn't know how. Knocking on Caroline's office door, he slipped quietly inside, and Caroline gestured for him to take a seat at her desk; he'd only met her a few times, mostly when Rachel asked him to help her with something for the center or asked him to meet her there because she didn't want to take a cab home by herself late at night.
"This is a surprise, Finn. What brings you here to see me?" Caroline smiled softly, but he knew she was disappointed that Rachel hadn't been there in so long. "I haven't seen you in weeks or Rachel; how is she?"
"She's—well she's been upset. What happened three weeks ago, Caroline? I know it had something to do with Emma." He kept his voice even, but he couldn't keep the worry out of it. "Whatever happened has her all turned around, and I can't seem to do anything to help her."
"Emma asked Rachel if she could stay with the two of you; it seems that she's very attached to Rachel, and her little stay at your home was so enjoyable that she wanted to repeat the experience." Finn pulled in a breath. "Of course, it's against the rules, but there was more than that. Apparently she overheard Rachel mention your desire for a child, and well—"
"I think I understand. You know that Rachel and I are trying to start a family, right?" Caroline nodded slowly. "Emma's situation just added to the hurt she was already feeling due to our difficulties; you know Rachel, she feels everything, and she can't help it. It's one of the many reasons I love her so much."
"We'd really like to have her back; the children all miss their music teacher, and not just Emma. Santana says she can't make Rachel do anything, but perhaps you can convince her."
"I can try, but I can't make any promises." There was a knock at the door as he stood to leave, shaking Caroline's hand; his eyes widened when he saw that it was Emma.
"Finn?" She looked up at him shyly, her bright eyes seeming to stare straight through him. "Where's Miss Rachel? How come she doesn't come here anymore?"
"She's at rehearsal, Little Bit; her play starts soon, and she's very busy." He offered her a weak smile, reaching down to ruffle her dark hair.
"I miss her." Her voice was soft, and it trembled.
"I know you do; I'll see if I can get her to come by more often, ok?" The small girl nodded, a bright smile lighting up her features.
"Why don't you go on and get your snack, Emma sweetheart." Emma nodded, waving to Finn has she left the room. "Careful what you promise her; her hopes are rather fragile, Finn, and it wouldn't do to let her down."
He couldn't make himself stop thinking about Emma, those bright blue eyes staring up at him, asking him where Rachel was, and he was struck by way she looked up at him as if he could save her, as if he were somehow a hero. It was the same way Rachel looked up at him. The ride home seemed exceptionally long, and he used his time to mull over the idea of discussing the Emma incident with Rachel and convincing her that helping at the center was still a good idea; working there had been good for her, and he hated to see her so unhappy. By the time he arrived at their apartment it was nearly dark, and he hurried upstairs to their loft, hoping Rachel would be in a better mood tonight than she had been for the past few weeks.
She was sitting on the couch massaging her sore calves, a plate of grapes on the table in front of her; he was struck by how tired she looked, and it pained him to see that she wasn't smiling her usual bright, just finished another fabulous rehearsal, smile. He missed that smile, any of her smiles really, and he was desperate to get it back. Rachel deserved happiness, and he'd done everything in his power to give her that; it was unfair that she seemed so unhappy all the time, and he'd give anything to make her feel better. Settling on the couch next to her, he pulled her into his lap, his arms wrapped around her small body in a tight embrace. She rested her head on his chest, sighing softly, and he gently stroked her hair.
"I went to the center today." He murmured, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "I talked to Caroline, and she told me what happened."
"W-why?" Her eyes lifted to meet his.
"Because you were upset, Rach. You walk around here like a zombie, and you haven't smiled in forever. I can't stand to see you heartbroken, baby, and I had to do something." He sighed, and she pressed closer. "Why didn't you tell me about it, Rachel; why didn't you tell me the whole story?"
"Because it was my fault, Finn; she's attached to me, and I got her hopes up. " Tears burned Rachel's eyes, and she hid her face in his chest. "All she wants is to be loved, to have a home and a family to love her. I inadvertently held that up for her and then took it away; I'm horrible."
"You aren't horrible, sweetheart; you can't help that Emma likes you or that she wants a family." He gently stroked her hair, holding her tight to his chest. "She's a sweet girl, and you—baby, you're an amazing woman, and it's no wonder that little girl adores you; stuff happens, Rach, and you can't help it. It'll be alright, baby."
"Rachie, don't you think you've been sulking long enough? It's been two months now, and you've done nothing but work, go to the gym, and go home. That's ridiculous even for you!" Santana shook her head as she reentered the living room after checking on Rebecca.
"San, we've talked about this." Rachel gave her a pointed look.
Rachel and Finn had agreed to watch Becca while Santana and Puck had a night out; with a second child on the way, their friends were taking advantage of their time, and Finn and Rachel were more than happy to babysit the little girl who was practically their niece. They'd spent the evening watching her dance and attempt to play the piano, and afterward Rachel had braided her hair and sung her a lullaby to get her to sleep; Finn felt a pang of sadness at the unfairness of it all as he watched them. He knew she'd make an amazing mother, and yet they couldn't seem to get pregnant. After Becca was in bed they'd curled up together on the couch, watching television until Santana and Puck arrived home.
"Thanks for watching Becca for us, man." Puck slapped Finn on the back with a chuckle. "Don't know why, but she loves you two; sometimes I think she loves the two of you more than she loves me and San."
"That's not true, man; you know it's not." Finn laughed, pulling Rachel to his side. "We'd better get going; I've got a staff meeting in the morning."
"And I've got to be at rehearsal early; the costume designer is coming." Santana's eyes narrowed.
"Remember what I said, Rachie; you've sulked long enough." Rachel let out soft sigh.
"I'll think about it, San; I promise." Quickly hugging her best friend, Rachel bit her lip. "We're still on for some shopping later, and I promise, I'll think about what we talked about."
The cab ride home was quiet; Rachel curled into Finn's side, and he wrapped an arm around her. They'd left the Puckerman home in relatively good spirits, but he could tell that Rachel's unhappiness lingered; the incident with Emma weighed heavily on her mind, and their looming appointment with their fertility doctor didn't make it much better. Every trip was a disappointment, but they kept going, hoping that eventually they'd get an answer.
"Baby, I think you should go back to working at the center." His remark was quiet and even, trying not to seem like he was pushing her into something she clearly didn't want. "It made you happy, and those kids really miss you."
"It's not that simple, Finn." She let out a soft sigh. "I have to think about the effect it will have on Emma. I've hurt her, and I don't want to hurt her even more."
"Rachel, that is an excuse because you're afraid; you're afraid that you're getting attached to her too. I get it, Rach, really; I'd be upset too, but you can't let this stuff keep you miserable all the time. I met her, and I know how sweet she is, and how lost and lonely." He swallowed thickly. "I wish there was something more we could do for her, but right now, at least you can be there for her at the center."
"Finn—" But he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, preventing her from arguing.
"I can't stand to see you so upset, baby. It's worst because I can't fix it for you; I can't just make it better." He stroked her cheek with his thumb, catching a tear and wiping it away. "I want to see your smile again, sweetheart; it's been so long since you've smiled."
For three weeks she'd been back at work at the center, always cautious not to spend too much time with any of the children, especially Emma, but it seemed that nothing could stop the little girl from following Rachel around the center, looking up at her with those bright blue eyes, and asking her if she was mad. Rachel was torn between tears and happiness; she knew it was a bad idea to let Emma get attached, or to get attached to her, considering that at any time Emma could be taken into foster care now that her father was no longer in her life. She'd discussed the situation with Sister Theresa when she returned to work at the center, and apparently Emma had no other family; it was a matter of time before she was placed in a foster home, hopefully to be eventually adopted.
"The system sucks, Rach, but maybe Emma will be one of the lucky ones." Santana offered her a weak smile as they prepared snack time for the children. "Hopefully she'll get put with a couple who really wants kids, and they'll eventually adopt her. You have to think of the good possibilities."
"I know, San." Rachel nodded slowly, carefully arranging apple slices and graham crackers on paper plates.
Santana had been volunteering more often lately, claiming that with Caleb only a few months away from arriving the hospital had agreed that she could so with some more time off her feet, and Rachel was grateful; there had been three chicken pox cases and four cases of some sort of stomach flu in the past week, and there were a few cuts that required stitches. But it was the emotional support she was most grateful for at the moment. Rachel looked up to see the children lined up to enter the room for snack, and her eyes immediately located Emma, standing shyly in the middle of the line, her eyes on the ground. Emma had seemed despondent most of the day, and it made Rachel nervous. Instinct pushed her to pull the girl aside, and she knelt in front of her as the other children filed by them, taking her hands gently.
"What's wrong, Emma? You look so sad today."
"N-nobody loves me, and I d-don't have family anymore." Rachel's eyes widened, realizing that Emma must've been told that she would not be going back to her father; she knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't stop herself from wrapping Emma in a hug. "W-why doesn't anyone want me?"
"Oh, sweetie," Rachel couldn't hold back tears as she felt Emma tremble in her arms, tears soaking into her shirt. "People love you, Emma. You are loved, and you will have an amazing family; I promise."
"Y-you and Finn could be my family; I could be your little girl." It was all Rachel could do not to start sobbing again, and she gently pulled back, her eyes meeting Emma's gaze. "Y-you don't want me either."
Emma pulled herself from Rachel's arms, rushing away in tears, and Rachel could only watch; her heart broke, and she desperately wished there was something she could do. Emma deserved a home and a family, and she deserved to be loved; it was so unfair that she had to suffer, and Rachel hated that she might have made it worse. She spent the remainder of the afternoon fighting back her tears, and she wanted to curl up in a corner and sob; she called Finn in tears, begging him to pick her up from the center the moment he could leave the office, and by the time he finally arrived she felt like falling apart completely.
"Santana, what the hell happened?" He loosened his tie with a sigh. "Rachel was so upset when she called; I could barely understand a word she said."
"Emma was very upset today; apparently she discovered that she won't be going back to her father, and she has no other family." He pulled in a sharp breath. "They're going to put her in foster care eventually, and well, she feels like no one wants her. She asked Rachel if she could be a part of your family."
"Damn," he hissed it under his breath, conscious of the children gathering around and preparing to leave. "No wonder she was a mess; that little girl has become so attached to her, and Rachel cares so much about her. I just don't know what to do about it."
"Speaking of—" Santana paused, indicating the appearance of Emma, who tugged Finn's sleeve.
"F-Finn?" She was stuttering again, and he knew she was just as upset as Rachel. "D-did you come to pick up Miss Rachel?"
"I did; she isn't feeling well, and I'm going to take her home." It wasn't really a lie, but he hated it just the same; she stared up at him, eyes full of tears, and he felt something in him break.
"Is—is she mad at me?" Finn shook his head, kneeling in front of her. "W-wasn't I a g-good girl w-when I stayed with you? D-didn't you and Miss Rachel like me?"
"Of course you were, Little Bit; you were a very good girl." He swallowed thickly, trying to keep his voice steady.
"Th-then why don't you want me?" Something inside him shattered, and he felt tears sting his eyes. "I—I try to be a good girl, b-but nobody wants me; nobody loves me."
"That's not true, Emma." He tried to say more but she was already pulling away from him, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Finn was torn and confused, caught between the urge to pull her into a hug and calm her and the knowledge that it would probably only cause more trouble. Part of him was shocked that even after more than two months Emma remembered her very brief stay at their home, and he ran a hand nervously through his hair as he stood up, looking around for Rachel. He didn't know what to do or how to react. After a moment, he spotted Rachel hurrying out of Caroline's office, and he could tell she'd been crying; he opened his arms, letting her fall into them, and she buried her face in his chest. Wrapping his arms around her, he carefully walked her out of the center, and she clung to him, sobbing softly and gripping his shirt.
"I saw that. W-what happened?" She looked up at him with eyes full of tears as they climbed into the cab. "Did she ask to come home with us, like she asked me?"
"Yeah, poor little girl thinks no one wants her, and from what Santana said she's going to go into the system, foster care." He pulled her to his chest, holding her close. "I wish there was something we could do for her, but I just don't know what to do."
"It's not fair, Finn; it's not fair at all. Why does she have to suffer?" He brushed a tear from her cheek. "She's just a little girl, and all she wants is to be wanted, to be loved; why can't she have that?"
"I know, baby; I know." Holding Rachel close, he wondered if maybe they could give Emma the kind of home she deserved, but he didn't dare say it out loud.
She was suddenly dreading their appointment with Dr. Marks; each visit often felt like such a disappointment, and, while he was an excellent doctor and one of the best fertility specialists in the city, everything he told them made her feel worse instead of better. Finn woke before her, and he gently shook her awake, pressing a kiss to her temple; he tried to remain optimistic about their appointments, hoping that eventually they would have an answer to their problems. With a soft groan, she rolled over, curling herself around a pillow; crawling back onto the bed, he pressed a soft kiss to her bare shoulder, and he gently stroked her hair.
"Baby, we need to get up and get dressed. We can't be late." She responded with another groan, and he pressed another kiss to her shoulder.
"Don't want to go." She hated herself for being so childish.
"We don't have to go, Rach; we can stop going, if that's what you really want." He tried not to sound disappointed or hurt. "Just say the word, and I'll call and cancel the appointment."
"No," she murmured, rolling over to face him and pulling the sheets around her chest. "No, baby, I didn't mean it. I want to go; I want to find out why we can't seem to have a baby. Because I want a child, Finn; I want to have your child, and I want a family with you."
He pulled her to him, pressing a kiss to her forehead and murmuring that he loved her, and she let the warmth of his body wash over her and soothe her. Slowly she went through the motions of getting ready, and she waited for Finn in the kitchen, his travel mug filled with coffee. When he appeared ten minutes later, he flashed her a small smile, taking the mug she was holding up and kissing her cheek; she tried to smile as she turned to pick up her own travel cup, filled with a fruit smoothie, and with a soft sigh, she reached for his hand, leading him to the coat rack. They quickly tugged on their coats, and he wrapped an arm around her waist; she leaned her head against him as they headed out of their apartment.
A part of her felt desperate and pathetic sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the nurse call their name; she was a perfectly healthy woman who always took care of herself, and Finn was a strong healthy man. She didn't understand why they remained childless. Finn reached for her hand, pulling it into his lap and squeezing gently; he pressed a soft kiss to her temple, and she offered him a weak smile, wishing she felt more enthusiastic about their appointment. Tracing the length of his fingers, Rachel pulled in a breath, glancing up to see that the nurse had appeared, and when she called for Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, they stood up and followed her hand in hand. Finn murmured that he loved her and promised that everything would work out for them soon; she squeezed his hand in response, her eyes meeting his for a moment.
"Well Rachel, Finn, I've reviewed the results of your blood work and the semen testing, and, as far as I can tell, you are both perfectly healthy; it seems that physically there is nothing wrong but poor timing. Sometimes couples just have poor luck, and it takes more time than they like." Dr. Marks sat in front of them ten minutes later, clipboard and file in his lap.
"You mean there isn't anything we can do?" Rachel bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes.
"We've tried practically every, doctor, taken every medication you've prescribed, tried schedules and diets; surely there must something else we can try or do." Finn gripped her hand, and she squeezed his tightly; he couldn't stand for Rachel to be disappointed again.
"I know that it's difficult, but perhaps the best thing for you to do is to stop trying for a little while; I can prescribe a different fertility medication, but in all honestly, I think that you would be best served by relaxing. The stress of trying can make things more difficult." Rachel pressed her face into Finn's shoulder, tears falling before she could stop them. "Sometimes patience can be the best fertility aid; don't let the stress and worry of trying make you so distraught that your marriage or your health suffers. It will not help matters."
"Thank you doctor," Finn pulled in a breath, trying to remain calm.
Rachel couldn't help but wonder what the point of going to fertility specialist was if he couldn't help them; as Finn lead her out of the office fifteen minutes later, she fought the urge to scream at the unfairness of it all. Dr. Marks had listed some other treatments and tests that could be run, but Rachel and Finn had agreed that continuing to test was not producing results and that the cost was growing prohibitive. Their only other option was invitro, but they simply could not afford it, even with Rachel's growing popularity and his promotion at work; to sacrifice such a large portion of their savings when they knew that if it were to be successful they would need every penny seemed unwise. Instead they agreed that trying to relax and stop trying was perhaps their best option; however, that did little assuage Rachel's disappointment or Finn's.
When they returned to the apartment, Rachel threw her coat down and rushed to their room, throwing herself onto the bed with a sob. He followed her quickly, and it broke his heart to see her curled around a pillow, body trembling as she cried; it was unfair that she had to hurt like this. She was one of the most good-hearted and loving women in the world, and he'd known for years that at some point he wanted to have a family with her, since the summer before New York when Rachel called him in a panic because she thought she might be pregnant. He'd know right then that he wanted to be the father of Rachel's children and to raise a family with her. Scooping her up into his arms, he pulled her close, letting her bury her face in his chest and cry until she couldn't cry anymore; he wasn't sure when his tears began to fall, but nothing would stop them. Instead he merely held her as they cried together.
She arrived at the center early, since rehearsal was called off due to illness; with the show set to begin in less than a month, Rachel's schedule had been so busy that time to visit the center was limited to twice, sometimes three times a week and only for maybe two hours at the most. More and more she found that she missed the children, and a part of her missed seeing Emma, which was why she was surprised to discover that Emma was nowhere to be seen, especially since she'd been there two days before. Rachel assumed that she was perhaps sick and decided that she would make a stop by the shelter before heading home. She spent the majority of the day helping Santana with some inventory and holding sing-alongs with the children, and when four PM finally came she found Sister Theresa lining the children up to leave.
"How is Emma?" Rachel offered the nun a small smile. "I noticed she wasn't here today; I hope she's alright."
"I'm assuming she's doing well." Rachel lifted an eyebrow in confusion.
"What do you mean assuming? How do you not know whether she's ok?" Sister Theresa didn't meet her eyes for a moment, and Rachel pulled in a breath.
"Didn't Caroline tell you? Emma was going to be put into foster care eventually, and the social worker thought that prolonging the wait would only make things more difficult."
"You mean—" Sister Theresa nodded slowly.
"She's been placed with a very charming woman and her husband; they have a great deal of experience with foster children, and I'm sure Emma will be fine once she adjusts."
"But I didn't get to—" Rachel's words were cut off by a soft sniffle, and she bit back her tears. "Did she seem happy? Do you think that they'll bring her by the center from time to time?"
"Rachel dear, it's hard to tell with these things. She seemed a bit nervous and upset, but it's a big change for her; once she adjusts to the new situation, I'm quite certain that she will be happy, and they will begin looking for a permanent family soon."
"They aren't interested in adopting, this family?" Sister Theresa shook her head. "I see, so this is a temporary place."
"She'll be alright, Rachel; I have faith that Emma will be just fine." But Rachel wasn't so sure.