Simmons attempts to sneak into the bus after her assignation and Skye greets her with a smug smile.
"Let's have tea," Skye insists as she puts her arm around Jemma's arm and manhandles... womanhandles... simmons-naps her to the kitchen. "I want all the x-rated details about our favorite Asgardian sex god. Feel free to tell me everything. That is what friends do."
"Skye," Simmons protests. She blushes and shakes her head.
"Ok, we'll have a beer and have girl talk," chirps Skye. "I want to make sure he's treating you well."
"He is." Simmons stops walking and she smiles. "He is treating me so well, and he's just ... incredibly serious about everything being perfect for me."
"Uh oh," Skye says.
"Yes," Simmons admits as she slumps her shoulders. "He's making such an effort. He's being soooo..."
"AC." With that one word, Skye sums up the issue.
Simmons nods. "The sex is..." Jemma pauses and then whispers in Skye's ear. "Unbelievable but it's always focused towards me."
"Treasure that," Skye quips.
"I know, but... I want it good for him. I mean, I haven't..." Again, she whispers in Skye's ear. "I haven't gone down on him. Isn't that what all men want? I mean, when he does it to me it gets me so... I can't even think..."
She stops there as she won't mention how Phil watches her after... how he smiles in delight. There has to be some secrets!
"Has he asked? Given you any idea that he wants..." Skye asks. She gestures.
"No," protests Jemma.
"I'm sure he does. There's not any hot-blooded man out there that's gonna say no to that," Skye begins and then she stops at the look on Jemma's face. "What?"
"I'd like to..." Jemma wiggles her hands. "However, I'd like to have a technique better than 'She's clueless but enthusiastic'."
Skye's expressive eyes dance in true amusement. The look puts an icy fear into Jemma's heart. "No, no, no. I'm a nice girl! I'm not asking Agent Sitwell for his opinion."
The hacker looks hurt at Jemma's lack of faith; but not too hurt, as well, she understands that she was heavily involved in the entire Simmons shooting a superior office business. That only thanks to Coulson's long relationship with Sitwell, charges were dropped. "There's a dessert plantain in the fruit bowl in the kitchen. Besides, couldn't you ask Fitz for his input?"
If anything, Jemma Simmons looks even more horrified.
"Fitz?" She squeaks. "FITZ?"
"You're besties," Skye reminds her of that universal constant.
"There are some things I just couldn't ask him," Jemma admits even as they enter the kitchen where Agent Sitwell examines the plantain that they had planned on utilizing for nefarious purposes and bad girl shenanigans. He sees them and shakes his head.
"Whenever you two are together, I feel this overwhelming need to get out my medical insurance card just so I won't have to search for it later," Sitwell admits. He pats his left pocket. "Wallet is there."
He pretends not to notice Jemma's attempts at fleeing and how Skye forces the other lady to sit at the kitchen table.
"Is that the only plantain?" Skye asks. "Jemma's never had one. She's not sure how to handle one."
She radiates sweet innocence; perhaps a watt too brightly as Jasper narrows his eyes even while he puts down the unpeeled plantain.
"It's a type of banana," he insists.
"Will you look at the time?" Jemma brightly inserts in a too cheerful tone. "I have completely lost track of the time. I must get some sleep as it's almost one in the morning."
She adds a fake yawn, which fools no one. No one at all.
"It's so sad how badly she lies," Jasper says. "However, what can you expect from Sci-Tech? I'm glad you and your polka dotted spots haven't rubbed off on her."
"I don't lie badly," Jemma Simmons protests while Skye laughs.
"You do," Skye insists with a giggle. "You are the worst liar ever, well, besides Fitz."
"I don't have a great deal of practice," she admits. "I'm proud of that."
She then attempts to flee from Sitwell and his pornographic plantain when she runs into Grant Ward and his muscular frame. She bounces back and apologizes, explains that she was just leaving to return back to her pod but Ward shakes his head.
"You don't have to kill the party because I showed up." His voice sounds strange, like he did after the entire Alien Rod of Rage business, and Jemma steps back one step. "You sound like you all having so much fun with your new team member."
Sitwell is a trained field agent, and surprisingly swift, as he positions himself in the middle of Simmons and Ward.
"No, I was just heading to my pod. I'm quite tired," Jemma announces over Sitwell's shoulder. "Good night."
"Sex with Coulson can't be that exhausting. He's pretty up there in years," Ward snarls. "Is it pity or the father figure bit? I can't really understand you and Coulson, Simmons. I thought you were smarter than that. It's just a midlife crisis, Simmons. The car is a dead giveaway."
"Hey, hey, hey. Watch it, Agent," Sitwell barks. "Have you been drinking? I highly suggest that you apologize, immediately, and go sleep it off."
"Or what?" Ward asks as he tries to tower over the slighter Sitwell. "You're gonna take my place on the team? Coulson must be happy to have his bad boy from the barrio working for him again. When is Coulson gonna have the cajones to tell me I'm off his team? Or is he gonna hide in his apartment?"
Ward throws a punch and Sitwell takes it, as his main concern is protecting Jemma. He pushes Simmons out of the line of the fire. While Ward advances, believing his height and weight advance over Sitwell will make it a fast fight, Skye throws in rapid and accurate succession, the benighted plantain and three oranges.
"Bitch," Ward roars even as he turns his attentions towards her. Sitwell launches himself at Ward and attempts a sleeper hold even while Skye throws the pot of lukewarm coffee in Ward's face. It's a temporary distraction as he has to wipe his eyes, but it's just enough so Sitwell can tighten his grasp.
"Run," barks Sitwell as the two men bounce into the refrigerator. However, Skye breaks the glass coffee pot carefully, so she has a weapon and Sitwell yells at her and Simmons to run.
"For the love of God, RUN!" Sitwell insists. "What are you doing, posing?"
"We need to get help," Simmons protests as she evacuates the kitchen by pulling Skye after her. "May?"
"Our choices are May and Fitz, and frankly May and Ward both have been acting cuckoo for cocoa puffs lately. Get Fitz, subdue RoboWard and then we have to call Coulson. Get Fitz, he sleeps with his toys; he must have something to knock out Ward. I'm going back in, I've got hairspray and a lighter and I'm not afraid to use them," Skye insists.
"Don't blow up the bus. Coulson will be pissed!" Jemma reminds her as blowing up the bus would just be the icing on the bloody fairy cakes. Or whatever they called them in the States.
Simmons runs for Fitz who fortunately is very much a night owl. He also possesses the prototype in his pod that he's been working on just in case they meet with any Centipede soldiers.
"I'm not sure if this will work or not," protests Fitz as the two of them races in the wrong direction, towards the kitchen.
Fitz arrives just as Sitwell flies across the room and hits the wall hard. It's an open shot at Ward, clear as it will ever be, so he aims and pulls the trigger. Not once, not twice, but five times while Ward stumbles toward him. Another orange is not thrown, but instead, Simmons rolls it toward Ward. He focuses completely on Fitz and the taser, so he slips and falls due to an orange. Skye then drops the entire selection of fresh fruit on his head.
"Good job," Sitwell announces while he looks at the twitching Ward. "Nothing like a drive by fruiting. Now let's get him to medical. However, I better speak with May."
"Don't," Skye quickly inserts. "May's acting odd. By odd, I mean... odd."
Sitwell stares at her and mentally throws up the white flag of surrender. He's been 'nite-nite'd, kidnapped, stripped to his boxers and thrown into a fridge all due to the members of Coulson's team. Meanwhile, Ward is drooling and twitching and ... Sitwell is the only one that can move him. Fitz, Simmons and Skye give quite the mighty effort, but no luck. Sitwell mutters something rather rude before he hands his pistol to Skye. "Don't say, 'Bang'."
However the idea that he has to carry Ward's body to Medical while trying to escape a possibly crazed Melinda May and leading the three musketeers to safety?
Coulson owes him big.
BIG.
"I hate dealing with your team," Sitwell snaps. "It's worse than dealing with Tony Stark. He's just a narcissistic alcoholic, but your team is bat shit crazy."
The trip to medical takes twice as long as it should, even considering that Sitwell drags Ward. There are little May traps set throughout the bus, which causes them to have to carefully place every foot just so. For Jemma, it's almost unbearable as May targets her with thinly veiled threats and acidic comments regarding Coulson.
It's a pity fuck, Simmons. He'll get bored of your inanity soon enough. He probably already is dreadfully bored; as well, you didn't spend the night at his apartment.
Fortunately, Ward is coherent enough to get onto the exam tables under his own power, and not coherent enough to put up a protest when he's put in five point restraints.
Jemma wishes not to think about May's comment, as the older Agent's obviously ill, but the little mocking voice gets under her skin and rubs her raw even while she draws blood from Ward.
"What the hell is going on?" Ward asks Simmons. He is groggy and his voice is quite slurred. "Why am I tied down? Why do I smell of coffee and ripe bananas?"
"Plantain," Simmons informs him in a very snippy tone. "I had absolutely delicious plans for that plantain that didn't include it being used as a projectile because you went all... barmy in the head."
She is not happy, and perhaps she puts a little too much force on the needle when she starts his IV, but Ward is a big boy. He'd get over it. And while Jemma Simmons is a nice girl, this incident has far surpassed her limits.
"Can someone translate?" Ward plaintively asks. "And not you, Fitz, because you looked pissed."
Skye hops to where Ward is restrained and smiles.
"You were an asshole of Asgardian proportions. You look up the God of Asgardian Assholes, there you be," Skye snaps. "Coulson is gonna be so pissed, when he realizes that you broke the fridge."
"How?" Ward asks in a very quiet voice.
"You'll see the dent from my head," Sitwell growls. He self-medicates with an ice pack while he secures Medical from Melinda May.
"Come now, Big Bad Agent Ward isn't scared of Rickety Coulson. After all, as you remarked, he's up there in years," Simmons snaps as she injects medication into the IV port. "What's he gonna do; hit you with his walker? Slice your throat with his Medicare card?"
"Oh God, he didn't hear that did he?" Ward asks. Then he looks at his arm, and then glances at Simmons. "What are you putting in the IV?"
"A nice big sedative," Simmons says. "Nighty, night."
"But... but..." Ward protests.
"We don't need you to protect us from you. We've got Fitz and his Taser," Skye says.
"You Tased me!" Ward again protests at this final betrayal; from the Scottish Engineer no less.
"Enjoyed it, too," Fitz admits. "The way you went..." Fitz gives a very vivid physical demonstration of Ward being tased. Or perhaps an interpretive dance, but there's a great deal of arm waving and body shaking that occurs. "I hope I got it on video. I'm goin' to watch it over and over again. Perhaps send it out along with my Christmas cards this year."
"Where's May? Is she letting you do this?" Ward protests.
"Her picture's next to yours," Skye says. "She's foaming and trying to kill us. Fortunately, Sitwell's here to defend us from our team."
"Get Coulson," Ward mumbles. "He knows her, knows her well enough to beat her."
"We'll your recommendation into consideration, Agent," Sitwell growls. He then leans over the restrained Ward. "We'll talk about this later."
"I didn't hurt anyone, did I?" Ward whispers. He looks stricken. "I can't remember anything except being really angry. Did I hurt you?"
"No one got physically hurt." Sitwell's voice is soft and calming. "I've got a very hard head as Coulson reminds me every chance he gets. What's the last thing you remember?"
"You kidnapped Skye because of Coulson," Ward says. "He wanted us to work as a team. It was a team building exercise, which seems to have worked really well."
He pulls at the restraints and then glares. "Really well."
"You're missing the last week, Agent. You attacked me in the kitchen, not even an hour ago. There was no provocation, no warning, you just went crazy. Simmons, please call Coulson," Sitwell decides.
God, how he hates Coulson's team.
Simmons calls Coulson and thankfully, he answers almost immediately.
"Simmons?" he asks. He sounds as though she woke him, which she regrets but what can she do? Everyone's gone to hell, May's running with scissors, Ward is tied up like a Christmas present.
"Phil..." Jemma's voice is close to panicking, but she's tries to remain calm. "We need you on the bus. Ward... Fitz tasered him and... May's... May's trying to kill us. Sitwell... he locked us all in Medical but May... I think she's Berserking. "
She won't mention the personal messages for her from May. She won't, as there's enough occurring.
There's a sharp inhalation from Coulson.
"Be there in ten," he promises. "Let me talk to Jasper."
"Coulson wants to talk to you," she says. She hands her phone to Jasper who begins to talk.
Jasper's voice is calm, cool and collected but there's a hint of tension. "Grant went after me. He went nuts and went after me, Coulson. It was absolutely unbelievable as I saw when the chip blew in his mind. Thank God I did, as I was prepared. Fitz tasered him six times after Skye hit him with the coffee pot, and he's in restraints in Medical, but May's off the wall right now. We're in lockdown in Medical and Simmons is running tests on Ward."
Phil asks a question as Jasper listens. Then Jasper whispers, "No, she's after Skye and Simmons."
Jasper listens again and then tells Skye to call Elliot Randolph.
On the way to the Bus, Coulson breaks a few traffic laws, but he slows down once he gets to the air field. Now is not the time for rash actions, because Melinda May knows him pretty damn well. She knows his weakness and his strengths, but he also knows hers.
She's got several black belts... and he's not wearing one. Nope, he's wearing his favorite ratty pair of sneakers, sweatpants and a battered t-shirt.
No socks.
No underwear either.
All in all, a high potential for major embarrassment when she wipes the floor with him. Because, he knows that she's really not going after Skye and Jemma. No, she's attacking his weak spots, so he'll be forced to respond. If this May Madness is due to the Asgardian stick, she'll try to kill him, which will give her an advantage, as he'll be working to merely disarm her.
Because physically, he's never been her match.
However, Melinda May has always been the brawn, not the brain in their operations. He also knows how to get her so unbelievably angry that she'll throw caution to the wind. Really, it's the only way he'll survive, if he pisses her off enough so she Hulks out.
Jasper calls, and reveals that Elliot Randolph was a mine of information that he had neglected to mention earlier. The Asgardian warriors would think it funny to give a human the staff just to watch them freak. And if they survived the ordeal, well, the human would have a relapse of the rage sans insanity stick after a few months as it got into their blood.
God, he hates Asgardians
He taps out two quick text messages, quite possibly, the last two text messages of his life. One to Melinda May, one to Jemma Simmons. They'll be sent out in an hour.
That done, he takes a deep breath and exhales.
"I'm so beyond dead," he says. He refuses to even acknowledge that he knows Gunnie is laughing.
He gets out of the car, brandishing an empty shot gun as he won't risk shooting May, plus he has a tranquilizer gun. He puts on his earphone and keys it so he's on the intercom of the Bus.
"Mindy, baby," he calls, as Melinda May hates being called Mindy. "Mindy, Mindy, I know you're jealous, but really, Mindy. It's so long over between us, Mindy. You can't blame me for moving on, Mindy. Jealously doesn't suit you."
That done, he clicks off the intercom.
It's time for Mad Eye's last fight.
Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus.
Latin for Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon.
Well, May Eye Coulson had just kicked this particular sleeping dragon in her teeth.