A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my friend Amanda, who kept nagging me so I wouldn't stop writing, for her birthday. Sorry it's late sweetie.
A/N 2: My dear readers, I'd like to thank you for sticking with me. I realize this fic is never updated as frequently as people hope it will be, but I hope that it is worth the wait. I'm almost positive that this fic may not have many more chapters. I'm thinking three more after this.
i.
"Kurt this is an emergency; San is on her way, but it's going to take special care." Rachel pulled her best friend into Finn's home office. "Finn just arrived with Emma five minutes ago, and everything that little girl owns was shoved into a battered pink backpack. It's incredibly sad, and the situation must be remedied."
"Wait, are you telling me she has nothing?" Kurt seemed appalled.
"What she has is worn out, and none of it is really fit to be worn anyway. She doesn't even have a winter coat. She needs clothes, Kurt, clothes that fit her and look nice. You of all people should understand how much nice clothes help you feel better about life." Rachel bit her lip. "Finn says to spend whatever we need. To quote him 'max out the damned credit card if you have to; just make sure she has what she needs.'"
"Well in that case, we'll leave as soon as the pregnant demon arrives." Kurt chuckled before peeking out of the room to see Emma seated nervously on the couch, clutching Beary and watching Finn and Sam playing with Madison. "It's really great Rach, what you and Finn are doing for her. You will make a terrific mother, honey."
Santana arrived ten minutes later with Puck in tow, snapping at him to stop doing the baby elephant walk behind her. The chuckle from her husband earned him a resounding slap on the chest before she hugged Rachel and Kurt and he went off to talk to Sam and Finn. Caleb Puckerman was due not long after Christmas. She muttered something about how much she hated being pregnant, and Kurt shook his head, chuckling to himself about the fact that Santana's temperament had not been improved by motherhood.
"Emma, sweetie, are you ready to go?" The little girl looked up nervously at the sound of Kurt's voice.
"Why don't you leave Beary here while we go shopping?" Emma shook her head at Rachel's suggestion. "Won't he be in the way while you're trying on all your new clothes?"
"But Beary will be lonely here. He needs me." Emma clutched the bear tightly to her chest, and Rachel let out a slow breath. "Please can he come with us?"
The argument was a lost cause. Emma refused to part with Beary under any circumstances, and they'd been warned not to put too much pressure on her to let him go, especially while she was still adjusting to the new situation. So a few minutes later, Emma was sitting between Kurt and Santana, with Beary in her lap, and they were headed downtown. They'd discovered as they were ushering her into the car that she had never been shopping and that she'd never had new clothes of her own. No one was all that surprised. Rachel had assumed that her clothes were hand me downs and donations, and most of it would be vanishing as soon as they replaced them because they were either far too small, far too big, or so worn out that they should've been thrown out long ago. Kurt insisted that they try some of the smaller shops in SoHo, and Rachel agreed, deciding that it would be best not to overwhelm Emma with large stores.
Their first stop was for a new coat; it was freezing out, and Emma had arrive wearing a ratty purple coat that didn't fit her arms anymore, if it had ever fit in the first place, and had a lining so thin you could probably see through it. They'd found a nice shop that specialized in children's coats, and the process of choosing one had become much more complex than first imagined. Three were the wrong color, two Emma hated, and almost everything was too small or too large. When they finally settled on two coats, pretty plaid peacoats in pink and purple, Emma eagerly pointed to the pink one, much to Kurt's approval. Emma's eyes lit up when she was told that she could wear the coat out of the store, and when she left the store she was wearing matching gloves and holding Kurt and Rachel's hands tightly.
By the time they left the third shop, Santana was muttering about how much her feet ached, and Kurt and Rachel both held bags loaded with clothes for Emma, who was happily stomping between them in her new winter boots. Beary was nestled in the top of one of the bags Rachel carried because Emma had insisted that he'd be safest there. Kurt insisted that not even one of her new shirts and sweaters have animals on them, despite the fact that Rachel had found four adorable sweaters with kittens and puppies stitched or printed on them, and Emma was allowed to pick out the majority of her outfits, carefully steered away from the items that Kurt and Santana deemed Rachel Berry High School 2.0 in the making. No matter what the cost, the way Emma's eyes lit up as she tried on new sweaters, jumpers, dresses, and shoes was well worth it. And her excitement over being allowed to wear a new outfit out of the shop was contagious. She'd clearly never had new clothes of her own, let alone as many as they'd purchased, and she certainly had never been able to pick things herself.
"Th-thank you." Emma looked up at the three of them as she sat in a coffee shop, dressed in a new sweater, skirt, and tights and holding Beary in her lap. "I never had nice stuff before."
"Families take care of each other, Em. That's what they do." Rachel kissed her forehead as she placed a hot chocolate in front of her.
ii.
"Negative." Rachel held up the pregnancy test she'd taken earlier in the evening. "It's always going to be negative isn't it?"
"Rach," his voice was soft as he took her hands. "Maybe it's time to stop."
Her eyes widened, meeting his with confusion and concern. Fostering Emma wasn't supposed to be a replacement for their attempts to start a family. After all, their job as foster parents was to prepare Emma for a permanent home and family, not to take her in forever. She was sure that eventually there would be a family who would meet the small girl and fall in love with her; she was would be adopted, and once again it would be just the two of them in the apartment.
"Baby, I'm just think maybe it's time to take the doctor's advice, and stop trying for awhile. I know how much you want a family, but maybe it's time to take a break." He tried to remain calm as his fingers laced with hers. "We've only had Emma two days, and there's so much she needs. And it's Christmas and Hanukkah time. The stress won't help."
"So you want to give up?" The question hung in the air between them.
"Not give up, Rachel, but take a break. It would just be for a little while, until we were more relaxed. We can't keep this up anymore." He squeezed her hands. "Baby, this is killing you, and it kills me. I can't stand to see you hurt like this."
Pressing a kiss to her forehead he pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. He could feel her shaking against his chest, and he gently stroked her hair. Desperately trying not to cry, Finn held his wife to his body, rocking back and forth. He knew how much Rachel wanted a family. They'd been trying for two years, and even before that Rachel had had babies on the brain, ever since they had the pregnancy scare shortly before they were married.
Sometimes she thought about giving him up, setting him free, but she knew Finn would never let her go again. She couldn't give him a family, and she saw the look on his face every time Puck scooped up Rebecca or they saw families while they were out shopping. She felt like she was robbing him of a life he could have, and it broke her heart. Working with Emma wasn't the same as having a family, and Rachel was painfully aware of it. Emma would be gone, adopted and with a family all her own, and things would go back to the way they were. She wasn't sure that she could handle that.
They looked up simultaneously at the sound of Emma's small scream, and Rachel disengaged herself from Finn, crawling out of his lap. Finn slid from the bed moments after his wife, hurrying behind her as she practically sprinted down the hall. When Rachel reached the bedroom Emma was sitting bolt upright, clutching her blankets and Beary; it was clear that she was crying. Moments later Rachel had gathered the little girl into her arms and settled on the edge of the bed, holding Emma close to her chest and murmuring into her ear that it would be alright.
"It was just a bad dream, sweetie; it wasn't real." She whispered. "It's alright. You're awake now, and I've got you."
"Don't make me leave." The tiny plea shattered Finn's heart. "I don't want to go back; please don't make me."
"Hey now, no one's going to make you go anywhere." He kept his voice soft as he knelt in front of them. "You're safe here, little one. You're safe, and no one is ever going to hurt you again."
Emma sobbed into the over-sized t-shirt Rachel was wearing, and Finn and Rachel exchanged glances. Rachel gently stroked her hair, trying to get her stop shaking, and tears stung her eyes.
"Maybe it's time to stop fighting the universe, Rach." Finn whispered as he reached out to rub Emma's back. "She needs us."
"Maybe you're right." A tear slid down her cheek, and she used her free hand to wipe it away. "Maybe it is time to stop for awhile.
iii.
"If Miss Rachel doesn't do Christmas how come we're putting all this stuff up?" Emma was holding up candy canes for Finn to put on the Christmas tree. "I don't get it."
"Miss Rachel celebrates a different holiday, Em, but I do Christmas. And we're going to do Christmas for you too." He ruffled her hair and took one of the candy canes, unwrapping it and offering it to her. "We celebrate both every year. That's why Miss Rachel got out the box with the candles and stuff this morning."
They'd had Emma in the apartment a grand total of five days, and Rachel had been in full panic mode over the fact that they were having family over for the holidays and the apartment wasn't even half decorated. Every year the apartment went from modern and tasteful to festive and full of cheer, even if Kurt often announced that it bordered on tacky at times. They piped Christmas music through their sound system, and Finn sang loudly as he held Emma up to let her place the tree topper. The silver and blue star was as old as Finn, picked out by his father and given to them by his mother on their first Christmas in New York City, and Rachel kept it wrapped in enough tissue paper and bubble wrap to withstand an explosion.
"Mr. Finn, how come you and Miss Rachel sing all the time? You're not in a play like her." Finn chuckled as he set her on the floor, still humming 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' under his breath.
"No, I'm not in a musical like Rachel, but once upon a time we sang together in shows. That's how we met." Emma looked up at him with wide eyes as he pointed to a picture on the mantle of New Directions holding up their trophy from Nationals. "We even won some competitions."
It was lunchtime by the time they finished decorating the tree and setting up the rest of Christmas décor. He'd left Emma at the coffee table in the living room, coloring pictures of ornaments while he made a peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich for Emma and a ham and cheese for himself, and the music was loud enough that he couldn't hear what was going on in the other room. But honestly, what trouble could a four year old girl get into with crayons and coloring pages? He found one of the trays in the cabinet, and it only took him a few more minutes to return with lunch, complete with apple slices and chocolate milk for Emma and chips and a coke for himself. The first thing he saw when he got into the room was Emma under the tree, her eyes filled with tears. When she looked up at him, her eyes went wide with fear, and she immediately moved to hide behind the tree.
"I'm s-sorry, Mr. Finn. I d-didn't mean to do it. I w-was just trying to make my picture m-match." Finn's eyes dropped to the navy ornament, or what was left of it, lying shattered on the floor. "It was an accident. P-please don't."
"Emma, sweetheart," he moved closer, only to have her continue to back up to the wall, her entire body trembling.
"I'm s-sorry. P-please don't hit me; it won't happen again, I p-promise." The stutter was back, and Finn wasn't quite sure what to do. "P-please don't—d-don't hit me. And d-don't send me back."
Instinct took over, and he moved swiftly wrapping her in his arms and holding her close. She was trembling in his arms, and he could feel her tears dampening his shirt. This was like nothing he'd expected, even knowing that her biological father had hit her. He'd never imagined having someone afraid of him, especially not a child. He rubbed her back softly, trying to soothe her.
"Shhh, it's alright little one. No one's going to hit you. Nobody is ever going to hit you again." His voice was shaking almost as much as she was. "You're not in trouble, Emma. It was just an accident."
"It was Miss Rachel's favoritest ornament though; she'll be so mad." Her voice was barely audible, muffled by his t-shirt, and he glanced over to see that the broken ornament was one of the hand-painted glass set with silver stars. "She'll hate me."
"Hey now, she won't hate you." He gently lifted her chin so that she was looking up at him. "Let me tell you at little story. Once, when Rachel and I were in school, I was really clumsy and bad dancer. I was so bad that I flung my arm out and smacked her in the face. I broke Miss Rachel's nose, and she doesn't hate me. She married me. She forgave me because it was an accident, and she'll forgive you too. It's going to be OK."
"You mean it?" Finn nodded, reaching over to find the box of tissues on the end table and drying her eyes.
"I mean it." Emma offered him a small smile and slid from his lap. "Now, why don't you finish your picture, and I'll get this swept up."
They spent the next day shopping—well mostly Rachel shopped while he carried bags. All the preparations for Emma's arrival had put them severely behind schedule, and Rachel was panicked that she wouldn't be able to get any of the things she needed for dinner with her fathers on the eighth night of Hanukkah or Christmas dinner with Kurt, Sam, Burt and his mom. They'd borrowed Sam's Suburban, even though Finn hated to drive it and Rachel hated that it wasn't a hybrid, because there was no way that they could carry all their shopping everywhere and then pack it into a cab. The broken ornament was easily replaced, much to Emma and Finn's relief, and when Rachel insisted that she needed an hour or so to do a little shopping that Finn couldn't be a part of he took Emma toward Santa's workshop. Emma's eyes widened as they got into line, and it struck Finn that she'd probably never seen Santa or a person dressed as an elf.
"All you have to do is tell him what you want for Christmas, Em." He prompted when she shifted nervously in line.
"He can't be the real Santa though." She looked up at him with wide eyes. "Cause Mr. Sam said that he was at the North Pole."
"He's one of Santa's helpers here in New York, and he'll tell Santa what you asked for so he can bring it." His much larger hand covered hers, squeezing gently. "Santa has lots and lots of helpers."
"Can he really get me what I want, whatever it is?"
"Why don't you ask him?" He gave her a gentle nudge forward before stepping aside to let them take a picture and let Emma talk to Santa.
As he stood there watching her, a smile on her face as she whispered into the man's ear, Finn couldn't help but wonder what it might be like to have Emma as his daughter, not just a little girl he was fostering. She was sweet and gentle, and despite everything she seemed to have so much hope.
"I just want a family, please." Finn saw the mall Santa's eyes widen, and he took a few steps forward. "I want Miss Rachel and Mr. Finn to be my mommy and daddy. I promise to be a good girl forever."
iv.
The apartment smelled like roasting chicken, and Emma sat on her stool at the bar in the kitchen giggling as Rachel followed Finn around the kitchen giving him instructions. She wouldn't touch meat of any kind, but since they couldn't travel everything was being done at their apartment. And you couldn't have Hanukkah with Grandmother Rebecca's roasted chicken. Emma nibbled on a gingerbread man, watching Finn try to baste the chicken while Rachel peeled and grated potatoes.
"Papa and Daddy will be here in four hours, and we are still so far behind." Rachel glanced over her shoulder for a moment. "The applesauce isn't done; I haven't even begun to make the sufganiyot or the filling."
"Rach, I can do more than the chicken. Just let me help." Finn kissed the top of her head. "If you don't let me help, we'll never be ready."
"Why don't you and Emma go pick out her outfit for tonight, and I'll finish up in here." Finn reached for Emma's hand, leading her off to her room.
Three hours later, Finn entered his bedroom to find Emma seated in Rachel's make up chair in front of her vanity, allowing his wife to put giant curlers in her hair that matched the ones she was wearing. The sight made him smile, and when Rachel turned around she seemed to glow with pride in her soft blue dress. Not for the first time, Finn imagined what it might be like to have this as his family; he was very much in danger of becoming attached to this little girl and the way she already fit so well into their lives.
Her fathers were thirty minutes early, and Rachel was just taking the chicken out of the oven, her hair still in curlers when they buzzed. Finn rushed to let them in, and Rachel herded Emma back into the bedroom to take her hair down. When they appeared ten minutes later, LeRoy enveloped his daughter in a hug while Hiram shook Finn's hand. Emma watched the scene with wide nervous eyes, and when Hiram knelt in front of her she moved to hide behind Finn's legs. It took Rachel five minutes to convince her that it was alright that her fathers were not bad men, and that she was safe. But soon Emma was showing them the tree and the coloring pages she'd done, proudly displayed on the mantle and beside the faux fireplace. She didn't seem to understand that Rachel's fathers didn't celebrate Christmas either, but both older men cheerfully praised her artistic abilities and each took one of the paint by number Christmas cards she had made with Finn.
"Dinner is delicious, Bunny, but you didn't have to go to such troubles." Hiram smiled as he took a bite of his chicken sometime later. "Honestly, we could have had a simple meal."
"Honestly Papa, did you really think we could have Hanukkah dinner without Grandma Rebecca's roasted chicken? I followed Finn around the kitchen giving orders, and we did just fine." She reached over to squeeze her husband's hand. "And miss Emma here, she helped me fill the sufganiyot for dessert."
"I'm sure they'll taste marvelous." LeRoy offered the little girl a smile as she nibbled a latke. "I bet they'll be the best ever."
Rachel ate quietly, watching the scene before her, and for the first time in two years she was truly happy. If this was what it was like to have a happy family, then she was in heaven. Emma finally opened up to Hiram and LeRoy, telling them all about how Finn let her help with the tree and Rachel let her help in the kitchen, and everything seemed right and perfect. After dinner was finished, Hiram and LeRoy pulled her aside into kitchen under the guise of helping with the dishes.
"Rachel, sweetheart, you know we support you no matter what, but are you sure that, given your difficulties, this is good idea?" LeRoy reached for her hands. "I only mean that I'm worried that you'll become too attached to her, and when the time comes you won't be able to handle giving her to her adoptive family."
"Daddy, I know I can be emotional and dramatic—"
"Bunny, we just don't want you to get hurt; we only want what's best for you." Rachel reached into the cookie jar. "You know that eventually Emma will be adopted, and you'll have to let her go. And you have to be willing to accept that."
"I know that that, Papa, and I understand." But she was worried. "It's our job to prepare her for a family of her own, and we're doing our best."
"But it's possible that she won't—she won't settle in with an adoptive family." LeRoy mused.
v.
Kurt and Sam arrived with Madison Christmas morning just as Emma was being pulled away from the tree, where she'd already opened and set up her new dollhouse Santa had brought her, to get dressed, and Finn offered his brother and brother-in-law some much needed coffee. It took Rachel fifteen minutes to get an overly excited Emma, fueled by chocolate chip pancakes and hot chocolate, into her sweater and jeans; she raced out of the room before Rachel could finish brushing her hair. Kurt let out a chuckle as Rachel darted out after her.
"Seems someone has fallen into motherhood rather easily," he muttered as he took the coffee cup Finn was offering.
"Yeah, she's great with her." He took Madison in his arms so that Sam could put gifts under the tree. "Mom and Burt should be on their way soon; they're probably going to sleep in at the hotel."
Burt and Carole had flown in the night before, and they were expected by noon; Rachel felt guilty having them break tradition and fly out on a holiday, but they had completely understood since Emma wasn't permitted to leave the state. Everyone had been invited to celebrate in New York, but the Puckermans had driven to Lima for the holidays to celebrate with their respective families. She adjusted the pearls around her neck, a present from Finn, and embraced her best friend.
"You look fabulous, Rachie; merry Christmas, sweetheart." They settled on the couch as Emma rushed back to her dollhouse by the tree. "I hope she's likes what Sam and I bought her. I wasn't sure what to get all things considered."
"You should have seen her eyes when she discovered that she had gifts under the tree. This is the first Christmas she's ever had, Kurt; I'd be willing to bet she's never been given a gift in her life—with the exception of her birthday." Rachel sipped on a cup of coffee. "I'm sure she'll love whatever you got her."
"She seems so happy, and you seem happier too."
Rachel glanced over to see that Emma was explaining to Sam who each doll in her new collection was and trying to convince him to play with her; the light giggle that escaped her caught Finn's attention as he bounced Madison on his knee.
"It looks like Sam is providing the voices for all Emma's new dolls, at least the male ones anyway." Maddie clapped her hands in Finn's lap. "Nice to see his impressions are coming in handy."
"Oh shut up, Finn. Maddie loves her Daddy's impressions, don't you sweetie?" Kurt cooed to the ten month old in his brother's lap.
Two hours later Burt and Carole arrived, laden down with gifts. Emma shied away from Burt at first, but when she saw Finn and Kurt hug him she seemed to feel less afraid. With a little nudge from Rachel, she picked up the cards she'd painted and eagerly passed them to each of the guests; Finn had encouraged her to make one for everyone in an effort to help her feel as if she were already part of a family.
"This is beautiful, Emma; did you do it all by yourself?" Carole smiled down at her.
"Mr. Finn helped me while Miss Rachel was at play practice." Emma flashed a bright smile toward Finn. "Do you like it? Really?"
"I love it! Thank you so much!" Carole wrapped her arms around Emma in a tight hug, squeezing her gently, and Finn swore he could see tears in his mother's eyes.
After dinner they sat around the tree, all in the floor, and Kurt held Madison in his lap while she played with a ribbon he'd removed from one of the packages. Sam and Finn had convinced Emma to hand out packages, and Burt placed his Santa hat on her head so that she would look the part. She took each gift to Rachel, who read out the name for her, and then skipped over to the intended recipient, handed them the package and practically chirped Merry Christmas. Once they were all handed out, Emma plopped herself between Finn and Rachel, her eyes bright and wide as she looked at the gifts that belonged to her. Tears sparkled as she looked up at the family surrounding her.
"These are for me?" She bit her trembling lower lip, and when Rachel nodded, she opened her mouth to speak but no words came.
Kurt and Sam had given her a huge arts and crafts set that promised to make hundreds of cute projects and dolls to go with her new collection, and Burt and Carole had given her a plastic easel with paints and things as well as some books. It was obvious that Emma had no idea how to react, and she kept repeating thank you over and over.
"Merry Christmas dears." Later that evening as they were leaving Carole embraced her son and daughter-in-law and whispered in their ears. "I think you are doing a wonderful thing for Emma. I think you will make wonderful parents someday."
"Thanks Mom," Finn murmured, wiping his eyes hastily.
"I hope she finds a family who cares about her as much as you two do." Rachel swallowed, the words echoing in her ears. "She deserves the kind of love you could give."
vi.
"Miss San needs you." Rachel spun around quickly. "She's screaming stuff I don't understand, but then she said to get you."
They were putting away the Christmas decorations at the Center when Emma came running into the room from the storage area speaking so quickly that Rachel almost couldn't understand her. The tiny girl grabbed Rachel's hand and practically dragged her to the other room.
"She's in there, and she's hurting real bad." Emma pointed toward the back.
"Stay right here, and I'll check on her." She rushed passed her and into the room. "San! San, I'm coming hold on!"
She found her friend leaned against the edge of a shelf, her face contorted as another contraction hit her, and instant she reached out to prevent her from falling. Balancing carefully, she supported Santana with her shoulder, and the two women stumbled out of the storage room arm in arm.
"Emma, I need you to be very brave. Can you do that for me?" The little girl nodded up at her. "I need you to go get Miss Caroline and tell her the baby is coming. Tell her we need a car."
Emma raced off to find the Center director, leaving Rachel to half walk half carry her best friend out to where they kept the vans used for emergencies and small trips. A few minutes later she reappeared pulling Caroline along with her, and they piled into one of the vans, where Rachel held Santana's hand and made frantic phone calls to Puck and her husband, informing them that they needed to meet them at the hospital. Emma was pale as she stared up at Rachel and Santana, and Rachel tried to offer her a small reassuring smile.
"Thank you for being such a brave girl, Em. You did such a good job."
Two hours later Rachel was pacing back and forth in the waiting lounge, waiting to hear word from the doctors. Caleb was a week early, and Santana had been in labor for an hour and a half; Puck and Finn had arrived within ten minutes of the women, with Becca in tow, and now the two little girls were seated in the floor coloring pictures of My Little Ponies while Finn fell into step behind his wife. Puck had raced passed them into the delivery room, and they still hadn't seen him yet. After a fifth lap around the room, Finn grabbed his wife and guided her to the nearest chair before she wore a hole in the floor.
"Rach, baby, I think you need to calm down. Santana is fine; Puck's in there with her, and this is not their first rodeo." He squeezed her hand gently, and she looked over at him, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. "Why do I feel like this is not about Caleb at all?"
"It's nothing; just worried about our new godson." But Finn shook his head.
"You want to tell me a different lie, baby girl? Because that one just isn't cutting it."
"I've just been thinking about the things our parents said, about getting too attached to Emma." She rested her head on his shoulder. "What's going to happen when they find her a nice family? What then?"
"Babe, that's our job." He tried not to make it obvious that he already didn't like the idea of Emma leaving either. "We're supposed to help her be ready for a family. And when that day comes, we'll be happy for her. We'll have made her life so much better."
"But what do we do then? When we lose our little girl? I know she's not really ours, but—" He pressed a finger to her lips, cutting her off. "Can you really let her go?"
"That's a bridge we'll cross when we get there, Rach, and not until." He pressed a gentle kiss to her temple, trying not to think about Emma's wish to Santa Claus. "For now, we're just going to her the best possible home and the best family we can."
Puck came out into the waiting lounge ten minutes later, his face split into a broad grin, and he picked Becca up to take her in to see her new little brother. Rachel and Finn followed, holding Emma's hands as she walked between them, and, as they stepped into the room, Finn couldn't help but see the slight flash of sadness in his wife's eyes when she watched their friends greeting their new son.