Chapter 2 - Feeling

A/N: thanks for the reviews guys! I love getting them! Here's chapter 2 for you…

When Joanna came to herself the ache in her whole body almost dragged her back under again. With a determined groan, she opened her sky blue eyes and forced herself into a seated position on the biobed of sickbay. Clearly Scotty had once again exceeded his repair estimate. A flare of pain in her side and across her left arm made her cry out against her will and wiped the thought from her mind. "Woah, woah, Joey girl!" the dear voice of her father soothed "Take it easy!"

"Dad? I need to…"

He cut her off. "You need an analgesic! We can talk later okay? Go back to sleep until I finish with the dermal regenerator."

She was about to protest before another white hot flare surged through her nervous system and she screamed again before feeling the pressure of a hypo on her neck and she melted once again into blissful oblivion, her father tenderly rubbing her good arm with an uncharacteristically gentle "shhh".

Her father sat on the edge of the bed for a while looking between Jo's face and her vital signs which had improved considerably but were still weaker than he would like. When they had beamed her on board after digging her out of the rubble on the planet a few hours ago she had barely breathed and needed surgery for internal bleeding and broken bones immediately. Jim had carried her down the corridor to sickbay in lieu of a free stretcher, already bustling with patients from the emergency on Merga while Leonard had rushed to theatre, barking instructions to Nurse Chapel to prepare for surgery. She was ready for their new patient in a heartbeat and only gave a small gasp of dismay when she saw who it was.

It was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. Operating on his daughter had been a horrific experience but as much as it hurt he had had to remove himself from that as Christine did, to think of her as another patient. During the procedure he was efficient and professional but afterwards he had spent a while holding her hand, tears of relief in his eyes. He felt physically unwell when he remembered the sight of the building falling on his daughter and her charge, a sight that wouldn't leave his retinas any time soon. He was glad that he had volunteered to beam down and thanked his stars that Scotty had put the medical landing party at that exact position. If they had been even ten minutes later…

He was jolted from his thoughts by the swish of the door opening to admit Spock, presumably sent to check on sickbay "Doctor, I trust the situation is under control? We have not yet received your report."

"Yeah Spock, I'll write the report in a damn minute!"

The Vulcan crossed to look at Joanna's monitor.

"I trust that Cadet McCoy's condition is improving?" he asked.

"Call her Joanna for Christsake! Yes, she just needs rest. Lemme see to her, will ya?" he rounded on his friend.

"You have other patients in need of care, Doctor." Spock reminded him gently.

"Alright, ya green-bloodied hobgoblin! She's only my only child! I almost lost her today. Not that you'd understand..." Leonard winced. That hadn't been necessary. Still, if Spock was ruffled, he didn't show it.

"I am sure that your staff will take adequate care of Joanna until she wakes."

"That's not what concerns me. I wanna be there when she does." Leonard was as worried about her mental wellbeing as her physical condition. The circumstances of her injury had been traumatic, after all.

"Your concern is understandable. However, if she is as stubborn and resilient as you have constantly shown yourself to be, I predict her full recovery."

"Okay, was that a sort of compliment? Stop it, you're making me nervous. Okay, Spock, I'm checking on the others now. Happy?"

"I am Vulcan Doctor and so I am merely contented."

"Same damn difference." Leonard grumbled.

"How you doing, kiddo?" Joanna looked up from the PADD she had been staring at and not really reading to see her father in the doorway.

"Okay. How's things down on Merga?"

"Still a bit of a shambles but slowly coming together" her father paused, examining her downcast expression. As he turned to fetch a few spare hypos she blurted "I didn't save him did I?", her voice small as she kept her eyes on the sheets.

"No, Joey darlin'. He was already dead when we found you." Leonard looked up to see tears in his daughter's eyes, reflecting bars of light from the PADD screen.

"It's my fault, isn't it? If I'd been faster... If I'd have thought clearer… Maybe I'm not cut out for this..." The first tears fell onto the sheets.

McCoy crossed the room and took Joanna's arms in a firm grip. "Stop right there, Jo! You can't ever think like that, okay? You did all you could". She collapsed into his embrace, her head falling against his shoulder, still not fully recovered from her injuries.

"You don't know, you weren't there!" she shouted "If you had been he would be too…" she added more softly as the pain in her side made itself felt briefly.

"I know you, okay? You've never done anything by halves. You were always a hard worker even as a kid. You collapsed giving him CPR for godssake! Okay, I've got more experience but, sweetheart, there was nothing more you could have given. Nothing more I could have given either. He was just too far gone."

"I'm sorry…I just…It was horrible! He was crying and dying and I couldn't bloody DO anything! I've never felt so damn weak in my life! I didn't even know his name!"

"He was your first, wasn't he? The first one you lost?" he realised.

She nodded, once again clinging on to him. "Oh, Joey!". Leonard held her as she cried. They were not commanding officer and cadet or doctor and patient. They were simply father and daughter in this moment. She was a young physician that had just gone through the terrible experience of losing a patient for the first time. He had lost enough to remain detached by now. Of course he felt something. He was human after all. But rarely did a death cause such grief and gut-wrenching, not to mention misplaced, guilt as his daughter was experiencing. He wouldn't be able to function if it did. After all, who heals the healer?

He remembered the first one he'd lost, a child taken by a sickness before his time. He had responded with tears too. That and a few drinks. What got him through then and continued to do so now was the other side of the coin. The rewards rather than costs of the job that he considered a way of life. The people he saved, the problems he solved and the lives he helped improve. That's what Joanna would need to heal her too. For now, he was content to be her shoulder to cry on. She needed that release first. He understood.

After a while she released him and looked him in the eye. "Tell me honestly Dad. Can I do this? Am I enough?"

"Well enough! Look, do you know how many people you helped down there? At least 11, including Carter. He told me you pulled him from a load of bricks and saved his life. All while you were injured yourself. If that isn't a damn good doctor in the making I'll tear up my licence now! I'm so damn proud of you, kiddo so don't you dare think you're not good enough! I was so damn scared when we found you. Jim too. You should have seen his face. You were in a pretty bad state."

She gave a tearful laugh "I'm okay, Dad, thanks to you! Tell Uncle Jim to stop worrying too. Alright if you trust me I guess I can trust myself. I just wish… but that never solves anything, right?"

"Right. Look, the guy was called Jackson and he never believed in looking back either. When your granddaddy died, I spent so long blaming myself. If I had just held on another few months for the cure. If I had disregarded his wishes and kept him alive even though he virtually had no life by then. But I didn't have the luxury of hindsight. I made the call. Whether right or wrong, we'll never know but I did it for the right reasons. Your grandma understood. She was married to a doctor and raised one."

Joanna nodded contemplatively, her headache returning. "Can I do anything? I want to see Carter. What time is it? "

"It's 22.00! You can get some more rest! That's what he's doing. Just concentrate on getting yourself better for now! My God, she's asking to get back to duty!"

"Can't imagine where I get that from! Get some rest yourself!"

"Less sass, kiddo, okay? I'll see you in the morning. Sleep tight, Jo!"

"Goodnight, Dad, love you" she said, the hypo her father gave her aiding her slide into sleep.

A/N P.S. H/C. One of my favourite things! Keep letting me know what you think! Think this will be a threeshot but depends how long the next one gets. Not sure when next update will be but see how it goes...