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Previously:

I went to bed feeling the most optimistic I could remember being in a very long time. I vowed that the next morning, I would make plans to get back out into the world, on my own two feet.

Chapter 6
BPOV

Since any thoughts of furthering my education had been immediately put on hold when Jacob proposed, I decided to go back to school. I had always loved studying, and I figured even if I did not have the ability to build my own happy family, I could at least help others who needed it. By now it was close to the middle of the spring semester, so I lucked out in having just enough time to enroll for the following fall at UW. I applied for several scholarships and was pleasantly surprised to receive a decent amount of financial aid, just enough to offset what my dad told me he had secretly saved for me, "for a rainy day".

The summer was spent easing my way back into general society. I went shopping with Alice one time, which soon morphed into once or twice a week. I found it extremely amusing watching her interaction with others in the store, and when we discovered that my presence helped curb her spending (just a little), it became a tradition of sorts. I tried fishing with my father as well, and that also became a regular habit. We both enjoyed sitting in relative silence, just enjoying each other's company along with the pleasant seasonal weather.

When school started up, I began with the basic liberal arts track but quickly decided to go straight to a major in social work. I breezed through my bachelor's degree – with nothing more pressing on my time other than frequent visits with my father and Alice, I was able to take extra classes and finished up a semester early, moving straight into the master's work.

I enjoyed the subject matter in general, and I knew one day it would be extremely rewarding when I was able to see the smiles of the children I'd hopefully be able to help. However, some days, the specific topics we delved into hit very close to home. The week we discussed divorce, I found myself cooking dinner for my dad every night, just hanging out with him while he watched whatever game was on TV. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he knew something was up when he went to grab himself another beer and brought me back a mug of warm milk with vanilla. It was something he'd made for me when I was growing up, on nights I couldn't seem to get to sleep.

I thanked him softly and sipped my drink, feeling it warm up my insides in more ways than one.

Just this past week, one of my professors had brought up the subject of adoption. That was one topic I had thought about on and off for quite a while now. Although my personal dream had been to raise my own kids, I wondered if I could feel the same way about a child that I didn't give birth to. God knows there were so many children out there in need of a loving home that they just couldn't get, for some reason or another, with their blood relatives, but I just didn't know if I had it in me.

It was one thing to be married and choose to adopt when we couldn't have our own children, but I had no interest in finding a man at this point. How could I bring myself to start up a relationship where, if we got to the point of thinking of having a future together, I'd have to tell him that I couldn't have children? What man would want me then? I certainly didn't want to be with the type of person who would be relieved to hear that story.

And adopting on my own? Though I still dreamed of having kids, I had never pictured raising them in a single-parent household. I had no doubt that I could handle it – especially now that I was getting back on my own feet, studying to one day get a decent job to support myself – and I knew I'd never make the same mistakes Renée had. They'd also have Charlie as a doting granddad. However, I really wanted them to have a father, someone who was as invested as I was. I never wanted them to feel like they were missing something, or to have to deal with other kids teasing them because of their unusual background.

I wanted a home. A complete, happy home.

For now, though, I waited. I didn't make any decisions regarding the future, in terms of my personal life. I was just starting to get over things with Jacob, as well as my own demons, and I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment by jumping in to everything too quickly.

This also meant that I had not been with a man in years. I wasn't looking for a quick fling, and Jake had never been that great of a lover anyways (based on the magazines I could indulge in now that I was a single woman living alone), but I didn't have much reference to know what I was missing out on.

I thought to myself, however, that if something or someone wonderful came along, I would make sure to grab on and never let go.