THEN
The tongue-lashing that Gates gives them for flouting regs is gruelling and long, and she's tired- not just physically tired, from having the crap beaten out of her by Maddox, but also emotionally thanks to the rollercoaster ride the last few days have been.
And yet all she wants to do is be with him.
But he walked out on her. Away from her.
Outside the precinct, the rain is drumming hard on the streets now. They have to talk again, but what can she say? That she's been going to therapy to become better? That she wants to be worthy of his affections, but isn't there yet? That she has a whole slew of new leads on her mother's case thanks to Maddox, that she can't walk away from? That she needs him to be by her side, as ever.
It seems like a lifetime ago now, but before this case tore them apart, she was actually supposed to be at his loft tonight. For a "movie night" featuring a John Woo double-header. A first date, in other words. Except, well, when the two of them had been having this quasi-relationship for so long already, it wasn't really a "first" date. Just time, maybe to move their relationship along. And yet after the fight at her apartment she almost felt like they were back at square one, deception and lack of communication serving as insurmountable a barrier as ever.
She calls him. He doesn't pick up.
She considers going over to his loft straight away, right now, but it's late and she's tired and…maybe it's best if they have some time to cool off before they speak again.
She goes home instead. She takes a copy of the Maddox file.
He calls her back the next day, but she's in the middle of a meeting and can't pick up.
She goes to his house the day after that.
His eyes are solemn, grim almost when he opens the door to her, half a head taller than her even though she's wearing her heels. She's come directly from work.
"Beckett." Back to being just Beckett. That is not a good sign. "What do you want?"
"I don't know." The answer slips out of her before she can think about it, before she can come up with something better, something stronger.
His reply is a small, mirthless laugh. "How very…you."
"I just want to talk, Castle. We need to talk." He's still standing in the entryway, blocking her entrance to his loft. His life. For a moment she's petrified that he'll simply slam the door in her face, but then something inside him gives, and for a moment a look of warmth steals over his features and her Castle is back. He steps back and gestures her inside.
By the time she's taken off her coat and turned around to look at him, the mask is back on, but that brief look gives her hope.
"Listen, Castle…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you about…knowing what you said that day. I was just trying to find a way to heal myself. Make myself better. For you. For us." She's practiced this part of the speech in the mirror today, at least 10 times. The words come out without too much stumbling, but her heart catches in her throat nonetheless.
His eyes darken to a deeper shade of blue, pinning her feet to the floor.
"And are you? Better?" His voice is rough.
"I think I still need to…still need to solve my mother's murder first." She's spent the last two night poring over's Maddox's file. Maybe he can help, maybe he can spot something she missed. A pattern, an anomaly. He's good at that. He belongs next to her.
"You don't."
"Castle, I-"
"You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to fix yourself. You don't need to do anything but tell me you'll put me first, put us first, like I put you first. Like I've been doing for the last four years." His voice runs roughshod over her.
"My mom's case has driven me, given me purpose, and defined me over the last half of my life. I can't just…walk away."
"Yes. It's made you Kate the cop. Kate the seeker of justice. But don't you want to be more? Kate the lover. Kate the wife, Kate the mom?" His voice wavers, breaks on the last two phrases. Her stomach leaps because he's right, it is what she has always dreamt of but imagined to be out of reach.
"I do, but I can only do it after I solve it."
"What if you never solve it?"
"Don't say that! I have good leads. You could help me!"
He exhales slowly, then turns away from her, hands braced on the kitchen bench they've been arguing next to. She can read him just as well as he can read her, and she can tell he's angry and getting angrier. She doesn't understand why. Can't he see what she wants is best for them? That if they did this together, if they just did this one thing, then he could have…they could have what they wanted.
"I still dream about that day, you know." His voice is cool, clipped. Channelling that anger. "At the funeral. You in your uniform. The glint in the sun. I dream about it, and all I dream about is being there millisecond quicker. Reacting faster. I dream about taking a bullet for you, Kate. This case…this is the bullet you should take for me. For us. To be happy together. I need to know you want that the most."
Her knees tremble.
"I don't know if I can, Rick. I don't know if I can do that."
"Then leave." He won't look at her. He stares resolutely out of his window. "Leave, and don't come back till you know. But don't expect me to wait for you."
When she leaves, she feels like she's walking out on her future for her past. It is an ugly, sick feeling inside.
She can conquer it once she solves her mother's case. She can.
Bit of bad news guys. Computer issues last night. No worries with the file, it was backed up and all, just that writing is going to go slower for the next few days till I have the new part I need in hand.
Still, do keep the reviews coming and I'll do what I can about updating as often as possible. This was the hardest chapter to write, so far, and I pared back the argument a lot because the Caskett fights in show aren't long and drawn out. They're short, sharp and to the point. I was trying to go for the same feeling.