Chapter 8: The Lady is a Champ
A ship with ominous black sails made its way up the Anduin. To all appearances, it was carrying allies of Sauron. In reality, however, its crew consisted of one Elf, one Dwarf, one future King of Men, about a hundred undead soldiers, and one Debbie.
Aragorn paced the deck, muttering under his breath: "My sword ... my oath ... my kingdom ... my plan ... my way!"
"My sanity!" sniffed Legolas. "Will you please stop sulking? The Dead came with us, didn't they?"
"Yes, and we're grateful that you invited us," said the King of the Dead, whom Debbie had nicknamed 'Garcia.' "It's been a long time since we've been out of the mountain."
"You were supposed to follow me!" Aragorn protested. "I have the sword of Kings."
"Impressive sword...impressive bosom...which would you rather follow?" Legolas asked.
Aragorn had to admit the Elf had him there.
"We're coming within sight of Minas Tirith!" Debbie sang out from her perch in the crow's nest. She was gazing to the northeast, shading her eyes with one delicate hand while her white fur-trimmed nightie blew fetchingly in the breeze.
"Legolas, get up there and tell me what your Elf-eyes can see from here," Aragorn instructed. "I only hope we're not too late!"
Legolas needed no second bidding to squeeze into a confined space with Debbie. He scrambled gracefully up the rigging and climbed into the snug little crow's nest, grasping Debbie around the waist for balance. Aragorn tapped his foot on the deck as he waited anxiously for a report, but there was only a long pause, finally broken by a giggle from Debbie.
"Legolas!" the future King shouted. "You're up there for a reason! Don't forget it!"
"I haven't," Legolas called back.
Debbie giggled again.
"The city, Legolas! Is it under attack?"
There was another long pause and then Debbie's voice drifted down: "Um, it's over there, Legolas."
Finally the Elf responded: "The big white thing on the mountainside? It looks fine."
"What exactly does 'fine' mean?" Aragorn called back nervously.
"Well, it's still standing," Legolas replied. "There seem to be some burned-out siege towers and things around it. And some dead oliphaunts. I don't see anything moving."
"Then we are too late," Aragorn cried forlornly. He sank to his knees on the deck, tossing aside his lengthy sword, which narrowly missed Gimli at the helm.
"Watch where you're swinging that thing, laddie," the Dwarf reproved. "Most times I wouldn't object, but just now I'm trying to steer us into port."
"What does it matter?" moaned Aragorn in despair. "All is lost!"
Slowly, the ship glided into the dock. The party disembarked, looking for any signs of life and finding none--with the exception of two familiar-looking horses quietly cropping grass. One had a scabbard of truly impressive length attached to its saddle.
"Brego!" shouted Aragorn joyfully. He ran forward to pat his faithful steed's nose.
"Well, there's a spot of luck," said Gimli.
"You can sheathe your sword now," Legolas contributed with a smirk.
Aragorn ignored him.
They mounted the horses, Debbie riding with Aragorn and Gimli swinging up behind Legolas. With the Dead Army following silently behind, they rode toward the White City. The field was generously littered with dead orcs and other allies of Sauron, but they did not see another living soul until they were nearly at the city gates. Then a great clamor could be heard inside the walls.
"I hear a noise," observed Legolas.
"Perhaps the battle is continuing inside the city," suggested Gimli.
"I knew we came too late," moaned Aragorn.
"I could swear they're singing 'We are the Champions,'" said Debbie.
At that moment several familiar voices called down to them from the city walls. "Hey, guys! Come on in and join the party!" chirped Debbie the Red, waving enthusiastically.
Aragorn looked stunned. "You mean we won? And I missed the whole thing?"
Éomer's face, wearing a broad grin, appeared beside Debbie the Red's. "I've paid you back for Helm's Deep, my friend," he called out good-naturedly. "Come and have some ale!"
Aragorn turned back to look at the mass of superfluous glowing soldiers behind him. "It seems ... we won't be needing your services after all, I'm afraid," he said apologetically. "You can go now."
"Sod that," said the nearest Dead soldier. "We're going to the party."
"Hear, hear," muttered the rest of them.
"Right, men...CHARGE!" yelled Garcia as his undead regiment stormed straight up the walls.
Being more substantial, the rest of the party waited for the city gates to open.
After several cups of ale, Aragorn's mood had improved considerably. The fact that he was lying back with his head in Debbie the Red's lap and finishing up the Fangorn oysters helped as well. The two of them, along with Debbie the Purple, Théoden, Éomer, Legolas, Gandalf, Merry, and Pippin, had found a relatively quiet spot away from the celebrations where they could catch up on the news. Gimli and the Dead soldiers had joined the revelers in the streets, while Debbie the White had gone off somewhere with a couple of handsome Gondorian guardsmen named Beregond and Irolas. Somewhere in the distance, Fires of Industry played yet another chorus of "We are the Champions."
"So tell me...how did you manage to defeat the Witch King?" Aragorn asked as he helped himself to another oyster.
"Oh, that was easy," said Debbie the Purple as she refilled King Théoden's glass. "I discovered that nazgûl are quite susceptible to nudity. So all we had to do was corner him..."
"I helped," said Merry proudly. "I spread a trail of lacy undergarments across the field, leading up to a tent pitched right by the city walls."
"And when he went in, he found three beautiful naked women waiting for him," finished Gandalf with a chuckle.
"You should've heard him scream," said Pippin enthusiastically.
"He just imploded right then and there," said Debbie the Purple. "There was nothing left except a pile of empty armor."
"Although I'm sure he died with a smile on his face," said Debbie the Red. "Or he would have, if he had a face."
Aragorn thought for a moment. "Wait a moment ... three women? Weren't there only two of you?"
"Éowyn helped," explained Debbie the Red.
Aragorn sat up and looked around nervously. "Where is Éowyn, by the way?" He didn't particularly want to see the shieldmaiden at the moment.
Debbie the Purple giggled. "I introduced her to Boromir's little brother. They've really hit it off."
"And thanks to the vats of pepper spray mixed according to Debbie's formula," continued Gandalf proudly, "we suffered not a single casualty."
"Except my laptop," added Debbie the Red sadly. "An oliphaunt stepped on it."
"And I missed it," Aragorn wailed, burying his face in his hands. "I missed it all. Some future King of Men I am."
"At least you still have your sword," said Legolas consolingly.
Théoden snickered.
"If I hadn't gone on a wild goose chase to get the Dead army, I could've made it," Aragorn sulked. "Now I'm stuck here with a bunch of useless glowing soldiers..."
"No, not useless," said Debbie the Red. "We'll need them for the assault on the Black Gates."
Aragorn looked at her blankly. "What assault on the Black Gates?"
Debbie the Purple grinned at him. "Here's the plan..."
NEXT CHAPTER: Showdown at the Black Gates!
Raksha The Demon: Thanks for your review! Hmm, big heavy Bowling Ball o' Doom vs gorgeous, willing, and talented young woman? Not a tough choice for most men!
Dragon Empress: Funny how that works, isn't it? It must be because a Mary Sue always has the author on her side. Thanks for the review!
Jeanne1: Thank you for your review! Yeah, movie-Denethor had a lot of wasted potential, didn't he? A Grue is a creature from an old computer game called Zork. It lives in total darkness, and if you made more than three moves without a light, it would eat you and end the game. Zork also had a really annoying maze which was described as "twisty little tunnels, all alike."
Twoflower2: You mean you were able to watch the eating scene with a straight face before? Thanks for the review, and we're glad the Denethor scene was what you had hoped for. And yes, Fires of Industry will be back! (In fact, they have sort of a cameo appearance in this chapter.)