CHAPTER 9: Ladies of the Dance

The Black Gates marking the boundary between Gondor and Mordor were large, spiky, and ... black. Nothing seemed to be moving inside. The gigantic structure towered imposingly over the landscape, dwarfing the small but heroic army huddled at its base.

Aragorn, dressed in new and kingly armor, surveyed the gates from where he sat atop his horse at the front of the army. Behind him were various and sundry other leaders of the anti-Mordor alliance: Gandalf, Théoden, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer, Merry, Pippin, Faramir, Éowyn, Rick Cottontree, and the entire Army of the Dead, led by King Garcia. In the rear of the company was a strange covered wagon, painted with bright mystical symbols. The Ladies Debbie had arranged for it, and they had spent the entire journey from Minas Tirith inside. Muffin the Wonder-Horse was quietly cropping grass nearby.

Now the entire army was looking at Aragorn expectantly, and he knew they were waiting for him to do something regal. Taking a deep breath, he rode up to the gates and shouted in his best kingly voice: "Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth!" Ever hopeful, he drew his impressive sword for emphasis.

There was a long pause. Aragorn was on the verge of turning around and explaining that Sauron didn't seem to be home and they'd have to try again later when the head of a hideous creature in a fantastic helmet popped over the top of the Black Gate.

"I am the Mouth of Sauron!" the creature shouted through a mouthful of ridiculously large teeth. "Who do you think you are, asking my master to come out just for you?"

"I am Aragorn, King of the Gondorians," Aragorn called up. "And I know your master seeks a certain Ring." He looked smug, knowing this would be certain to get Sauron's attention.

"He's already got one," the creature answered rudely.

Aragorn hadn't expected this. "What? But--but--there's only one Ring of Power! It's called the One Ring for a reason!"

"I said he's already got one! It's very nice!"

Éomer and Éowyn looked uneasily at each other.

"Well--" Aragorn sputtered uncertainly. "Can I come up and have a look at it?"

"No! Your mother was a goblin and your father smelt of miruvor," shouted the Mouth. "And with that ridiculous sword, you've obviously compensating for something! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" He made a dismissive gesture.

"Oh, please ask him to come out and talk to me," Aragorn begged.

The Mouth let out a loud sigh. "All right, I will ask, you silly Gondorian pig-dog. But I don't think he'll be very keen." The head disappeared.

Aragorn turned back to the assembled army, beaming at having accomplished his goal. It was time for a motivational speech, he decided. "This is it, my friends," he began confidently. "The final battle will soon begin. Someday we're all going to die, and today seems like a good day for it. Let's go!"

The army did not look particularly inspired. There was some grumbling in the ranks, which quieted as Debbie the White emerged from the painted wagon. "That wasn't very motivational," she called, rolling her eyes. "Let me talk to them!" She leapt onto Muffin's back and rode up to take Aragorn's place in front of the army. Every soldier suddenly seemed to stand more firmly, as if given fresh courage just by looking at her exquisite form. Gazing cheerfully at the assembled troops, Debbie began her speech.

"Remember some important things," she said brightly. "Remember we're the good guys. Remember we've got an unbeatable undead army with us." The Dead soldiers cheered at this. "Remember I've read the book and I know how it ends. Remember that the other Lady Debbies and I have a secret plan." She winked. "So, maybe you're going to die one of these days, but I promise this is not that day. In conclusion, I'd like to quote a very wise person from my world: If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. Let's dance, everybody. And by 'dance,' I mean 'kick Mordor's butt'!" She pumped her fist in the air triumphantly and Muffin reared up on his hind legs. A massive cheer rose up from the assembled Armies of the West as she galloped back to the wagon, her chestnut hair streaming out behind her.

Rick Cottontree was waiting there. "That was beautiful, Lady Debbie!" he told her breathlessly.

"Thank you, Rick." She slid gracefully off the horse's back. "Now, look after Muffin for me, would you? I'm going to ... be a little busy for a while." And before Rick could ask any more questions, she nipped inside the wagon.

Meanwhile, Aragorn re-took his place at the head of the army as the Black Gates slowly creaked open. The barren wasteland of Mordor stretched out ahead. Rank upon rank of orcs, trolls, and other allies of Sauron were ranged back as far as the eye could see. In the distance, Mount Doom spewed fire. Looming over it all was an enormous tower topped by a gigantic yellow-orange ball of flame: the Eye of Sauron. It swept over the pitifully small army assembled at the gates and finally came to rest on the man riding at the forefront.

Aragorn drew his sword to show the Dark Lord his defiance. And then, inside his head, he heard a hollow, rusty sound. It took him a moment to realize what it was: Sauron was snickering.

"Aragorn ... El-les-sar ..." The ghostly whisper resounded in his brain. "I think you're compensating for something."

Something seemed to snap inside Aragorn's brain. All of his frustrations suddenly burst forth. "EXCUSE ME?" he screamed toward the distant menace. "Pot calling kettle, don't you think? You're a giant flaming eyeball on top of a two-thousand foot tower!"

"Psst ... your majesty ..." Faramir whispered urgently.

"And there's an ERUPTING VOLCANO behind you! If that's not symbolism, I don't know what is!" Aragorn was standing in the stirrups now and waving his sword for emphasis.

"Aragorn!" barked Gandalf. Aragorn turned and blinked at the wizard. "You said that out loud," Gandalf informed him.

Aragorn slumped down in the saddle, dropped his head into his palm, and groaned loudly.

"I don't have time to talk to you right now," the voice inside Aragorn's head continued. "I need to concentrate on ... more important things." The eyeball's gaze roved off in the general direction of Mount Doom.

This could only mean one thing. "Sauron has discovered Lady Debbie and the Hobbits," he whispered to the others in despair. "A battle now would be in vain."

"What can we do?" Théoden asked uneasily.

Merry and Pippin grinned at each other. "The secret weapon!" they chorused, and hurried back toward the painted wagon.

Aragorn looked up. New confidence surged through his veins. "I believe you are right, my friends!" He dismounted from his horse and stepped out several paces in front of his troops. Lifting his sword once more (Elbereth, but it was heavy!), he faced Barad-dur and cried out in ringing tones: "Behold, everyone! I have brought something you cannot help but watch!"

"If it's that fool sword again, forget it." Sauron sounded distracted.

Aragorn continued as if he had not spoken. "Ladies and gentlemen--orcs, trolls, and especially disembodied Dark Lords--may I present the one, the only--Fires of Industry! Joined by their special guests, the Ladies Debbie! Live! And! In! Person!"

With a flourish of the sword, Aragorn stepped aside. Behind him, the Armies of the West parted in perfect formation to reveal that the sides of the mysterious wagon had opened out to form a stage. Saruman the Many-Colored walked out in front of the curtain to thunderous applause, flashed a peace sign to the audience, and took his place at a small portable organ at one side of the stage. He was followed by Rigli Studtongue, carrying a lute, and Denethor, hauling an enormous double bass. At a signal from Saruman, Merry and Pippin pulled on the ropes to raise the curtain. There on a brightly-painted platform stood Debbie the Red, Debbie the White, and Debbie the Purple. They were clasping spangled robes tightly around their bodies, showing off the curves underneath.

A collective gasp went up from the combined armies of Mordor, Gondor, and Rohan. Sauron's eye swiveled back abruptly and locked onto the stage. For a long moment everything was still and silent. Then the Mouth of Sauron's head popped up over the top of the Black Gates. "TAKE IT OFF!" he hooted loudly.

Debbie the Purple gave him a radiant smile and a wink. "Don't mind if we do," she said.

Debbie the Red nodded to Fires of Industry. "Hit it, boys."

As the first chords of music sounded, the three Debbies slowly opened their robes in perfect synchronization. Underneath, they were wearing fine chain mail bikinis, lightly tinted in the appropriate colors ... and nothing else.

The Eye of Sauron abruptly expanded to approximately twice its original size. If there had been a Tongue of Sauron, it would certainly have been hanging out.

The Debbies began to move in perfect unison as they sang:

"STOP! In the name of love!
Before you break my heart ..."

And all the forces of Mordor did stop, completely mesmerized by the Debbies' performance. Aragorn could have sworn he heard a wolf-whistle in the whisper of his mind.

Gimli edged over to where Legolas and Aragorn stood watching the show. "I've got to hand it to those young ladies," he murmured appreciatively. "The only thing that could possibly distract Sauron from the whereabouts of one Lady Debbie is three Lady Debbies."

Legolas nodded without tearing his gaze away. "It's a brilliant diversion."

"Let us hope it will be enough," sighed Gandalf, as his eyes followed the gyrations of Debbie the Red.

NEXT CHAPTER: So what is going on at Mount Doom, anyway?

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Bookworm: Thanks for the review! Let's see if we can catch you on vaction this time.

Ariel3: Thanks for being such a faithful reader! Your suggestion about Debbie consoling the hobbits gave us an idea; just wait for chapter 11!

sparrowhawkgirl: Thanks for reading and reviewing! "Garcia" was fun to write.

Lilan: Glad you enjoyed the last chapter! Hopefully this one will please as well. Denethor does have a cameo. As for Boromir, you'll see him again before this story ends, and that's all we're going to say for now!

Anawey: Thank you so much for your reviews! We're very sorry for the long gap between chapters. You'll find out what happens to Debbie the Black, Frodo, and Sam in chapter 10, which should be up soon.