Chapter 10: Lady Fingers

Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Debbie the Black walked across the plains of Mordor. Frodo trailed a little behind the others, gazing around at the desolate landscape. Monotonous stone and scrubby tufts of grass alternated out to the horizon, where the blazing Eye of Sauron watched them from atop its horned tower. Ahead, the dark shape of Mount Doom coughed out occasional gobs of flame against the sky.

Suddenly Debbie yelped. "There's a rock in my boot," she explained, wrinkling her dainty nose. "Let's stop for a moment."

The four of them sat down by some convenient large rocks while Debbie removed her boot. (She had discarded the sandals upon leaving the labyrinth, since one of them was covered in spider brains.)

Sam rested happily against the tall rock which screened them from Sauron's view. "I don't mind telling you, I'm glad to get away from that Eye," he commented. "It's worse than being watched by Gollum, here."

Gollum made a face at him, but said nothing.

"I guess I hadn't noticed," Debbie responded absently. "But then, I'm sort of used to men looking at me. I was a model, you know, in my own world."

Frodo was seized by a sudden dread. "Don't you ever want to go home, Lady Debbie?" Losing her was the saddest thing he could imagine, and yet the thought of her being unhappy was equally unbearable. He waiting anxiously for her answer.

"Oh, it would be nice, I suppose, eventually. But right now I have a job to do and I'm happy being here with all of you." Debbie flashed him a dazzling smile, and suddenly everything seemed all right again.

When Lady Debbie's boot was replaced, they started off again. Frodo thought something seemed different, somehow, but he couldn't quite place it...

"He's not watching us now," Sam pointed out happily. Sure enough, the Eye of Sauron had swiveled off toward the west.

"I guess he thought we were going to camp for the night," said Debbie. "Never mind, that'll just make this easier. Let's go!"

At the Black Gates, the Ladies Debbie held their audience in the palm of their collective hand as Fires of Industry swung into a rendition of "Lady Marmalade":

"Where's are all my soul sisters?
Let me hear you flow sisters
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister..."

Debbie the Black and her friends stood at the base of Mount Doom. Tilting their heads back, they could see an opening in the side of the mountain. A narrow, rocky, but not particularly steep trail led up to it.

"Well, this is it, boys," Debbie announced with a sunny smile. "Just a little push and then we'll be done."

Sam shook his head in amazement. "I can't believe we're nearly there already."

"Boromir made it sound like a much harder journey at the Council," Frodo agreed.

"Boromir's always been a bit of a pessimist," Debbie said fondly.

"Still," continued Frodo, "when I think of all the things that might have happened..."

"Like what?" asked Debbie.

"We might have been bitten by that huge spider for a start," answered Frodo, shivering at the idea.

"Or been captured by orcs," put in Sam.

"Or run out of food and water," said Frodo.

"Or been captured by orcs," said Sam.

"Or fallen off a cliff," said Frodo.

"Or been cap--"

"I see Boromir isn't the only pessimist," Debbie said with a laugh, ruffling Sam's hair. "But here we are--safe, sound, and healthy. All we have to do is climb a little further and then we'll be done." She looked down at Gollum. "You know, Sméagol, you can go if you want. I think we can find the way from here."

Gollum shook his head vigorously and threw his skinny arms around Debbie's shapely knees. "No, no! Good Sméagol will stay with Lady Debbie and nice hobbitses! Please don't send Sméagol away!" He turned his watery eyes pitifully up to her.

Debbie relented. "Oh, all right." Gollum instantly capered about joyfully. Debbie took Frodo and Sam's hands. "Here we go, then!" They started up the mountain, with Gollum loping cheerily on ahead.

Is it in his eyes?" sang Debbie the Red and Debbie the Purple in perfect harmony.

"Oh no! You need to see!" Debbie the White warbled in response.

"Is it in his size?"

"Oh no! You make believe!"

The Debbies gyrated ever-more-seductively to Fires of Industry's accompaniment. The audience had become somewhat more active. Some were dancing along to the music. Some had locked arms and begun swaying. Others, seated on the ground, were passing around jugs of something. Still others had lit thin tapers and were waving them in time to the music, causing the Debbies' chainmail bikinis to sparkle with reflected light. And the great Eye of Sauron remained glued to the spectacle.

"If you wanna know
If he loves you so
Its in his kiss!"

"That's where it is!"

Debbie the Black stood poised on a rock spur high above a sea of boiling lava. The Ring on its chain dangled from her outstretched fingertips. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum stood back a short distance, holding their breaths and admiring the magnificent picture she made silhouetted against the warm glow of lava-light. Time seemed to stretch on forever. Then slowly, Debbie turned around, an evil grin lighting her features.

"You know, I kind of like this Ring," she purred. "I think I'll keep it."

"It's the end of the world as we know it,
It's the end of the world as we know it..."

One of Rigli Studtongue's lute strings snapped. Denethor and Saruman kept up a bass-and-organ vamp as he frantically pulled a new one from his pocket. He restrung the lute at top speed, stealing a glance at the dancing Debbies as he did so. They still seemed fresh, but how long could they keep it up?

The hobbits and Gollum stood frozen, mouths open, gazing in horror at Debbie the Black. She seemed fierce and terrible, a fiery being of immeasurable power...and then she giggled.

"Just kidding."

She tossed the Ring backward over her shoulder. There was a soft plop as it landed in the molten lava far below. The others, however, did not hear it. They had simultaneously fainted from shock.

"It's the end of the world as we know it,
It's the end of the world as we know it,
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

The last chords of the song mingled with a sudden loud rumble from the east. Mount Doom began erupting.

"And he calls me a show-off," Aragorn muttered.

The Tower of Barad-dur shook violently and, with an almighty crack, split in half. The Eye of Sauron stretched and then seemed to pop like a soap bubble. The tower collapsed.

A deafening cheer went up from the assembled armies at the gate. "DEBBIE!"

NEXT CHAPTER: Frodo sees visions, Aragorn prepares for his coronation, and Legolas wants a rematch. We're getting near the end now...

NOTE: From now on, we'll use the new "reply" feature to respond to reviews, but we would just like to say a quick "Thanks" to all who have stuck with us! We apologize for the much-too-long delay since chapter 9, and we hope to wrap this up fairly quickly now. There should be two more chapters.