Song is "Understand" by Christina Aguilera
A few days later, Sami and Lucas were doing their own things. She was at home, just done getting the twins down for their nap and Lucas…well, he was out visiting Kate. Again. Probably getting more ridiculous ideas planted in his head. As a result, Sami had been thinking about the life she was currently leading.
It was a farce. One big lie. She didn't want to be with Lucas. She did love him, though. Of course, she loved him. They'd been through so much together. However, Sami knew she wasn't in love with him. He was more like a really good friend she had married out of convenience. And she had a strong feeling that Lucas felt the same. There was a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. They were not in love with each other. Maybe at one time they were, but…not anymore.
Sami had been feeling this for a while. But, she never wanted to bring it up for fear of the consequences. Will, for one, would be devastated. Not to mention how her family would react. If she announced she was thinking of divorcing Lucas –
'Stop,' Sami thought to herself. She didn't even want to think about it. Her family would freak out.
But she couldn't help the feeling of constant unhappiness that washed over her. And the feeling of resentment towards Lucas. It seemed with each day that passed, Lucas became more and more brainwashed by his psychotic mother…and less and less concerned about Sami's feelings. Especially when it came to this "idea" of his and his mother's he was forcing on her…
'Why?' Sami wondered. 'Why can't I be married to a guy who I know will always stick by me and love me for real?'
Her head snapped up and her thoughts switched to the man whom she knew was in love with her for real. In a heartbeat, the "old" Sami emerged. The one who wasn't afraid to speak her mind and do what she wanted no matter what. Enough was enough.
I made you think you don't understand.
Right then and there she decided to take control of her life again. The inspiration of her great-aunt Colleen stirred inside her. Sami grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, sat down on her couch, took a deep breath, and proceeded to write through the tears in her eyes.
I
used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened
to somebody else.
Everybody believed, everybody but me.
And
I've been hurt so many times before
That my hope was dying, so
sick of trying.
Everybody could see, everybody but me.
But then
you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can
see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.
"EJ –
I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say in this letter, but I need to get it out. And since it's been so hard to have a conversation with you face-to-face, I'm writing. I have no else to turn to.
You're the only one who could possibly understand this. You're the only one who could possibly understand me. The real me. So think of this as me venting, but, also think of this as a way of me getting through to you.
I
made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't
understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think
you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb,
If
you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't
understand.
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see
that I'm in love with you.
Now, I hope you finally understand.
I don't know where I went wrong with us. Actually, I do…but I guess I'm not sure why. All my life I felt isolated. I felt different. I felt…unlovable. But, then I met you. You made me believe in myself. You made me a better person. But, I pushed you away. Even after you proved your love to me over and over again, I pushed you away.
So
many tears I've had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you
had to dry.
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now.
And
rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff
and you still stayed around.
Yeah, you figured me out.
Said,
you got me down.
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me
better than I do.
Baby, ooh, you see me through.
I'd be no good
without you.
You never gave up on me, though. No matter what you yourself were going through. No matter how many times I told you I hated you or wanted you out of my life, you never believed it. Well, you were right in doing that. I never hated you and I never wanted you out of my life. Somehow, I think you always knew that. You always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking even before I knew.
I
made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't
understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think
you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb,
If
you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't
understand.
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see
that I'm in love with you.
Now, I hope you finally understand.
EJ…I am so, so sorry for everything that's happened. I confused the hell out of you. I led you on time and time again just to leave you there. I guess in my own sick way, I wanted to see how many times I could get away with it. Every time you came back to me, it proved to me how much you really did love me. I guess that kind of scared me. My whole life, I never had a man go through what you've gone through for me. It seemed too good to be true.
Baby,
won't you listen now.
Can't you see just what I'm talking
about?
Said, baby won't you listen now.
Can't you see just what
I'm talking about?
Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my
distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay,
But, you
never turned away.
Always right by my side.
You're forever
in my life.
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I
found a home.
Now, it might be too late. Like I said, we haven't spoken in a long time. I guess I understand why you've avoided me. But I should have come to you. I didn't need to help build this wall between us.
You were there for me through everything, EJ. And I don't ever want to completely lose you. I can't even begin to imagine never speaking to you again. You make me feel safe. You make me happy. You complete me.
Now
I can see into your eyes.
Suddenly, I realize.
I know I must sound completely selfish but I finally realized that I do love you. And I don't just love you. I'm in love with you. Believe me, there's a difference…
I
made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't
understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think
you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb,
If
you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't
understand.
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see
that I'm in love with you.
Now, I hope you finally understand.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here. I'm sorry and I love you."
I made you think you don't understand.
She started to sign the letter "Sami" but on second thought crossed it out.
And signed "Samantha."