Thanks for those who've reviewed or favorited. I know this story is not frequently updated, but I try. pottered out and others who may be confused about that last bit. Hermione passed out in the last chapter and imagined Ron saying he was going out with Luna. I made it a little too subtle, but typically when I use italics it's for flashbacks, imagination or dreams. I'll work on improving my clarity. I love all your reviews and suggestions, so please continue.
Hermione wakes up unable to breathe, tears streaming down her face. Then it hits her like a refreshing spray of water after a marathon—it was all a dream. Ron is not going out with Luna. Ron is still hers', even if they're not technically together.
She must have passed out; it wouldn't be surprising. The fight might have been too strenuous for her dwindling blood sugar to handle. She'd been woozy all day, avoiding food at all costs. She knows she'll have to give in to her body's desires soon.
"Hermione," Ron's ever so close. "Are you alright? Do I need to take you to Madam Pomfrey's?"
"I'm fine." She snaps, her body woozily reawakened. That's when she realizes how bad this looks. She knows that if she goes to that awful healer, she'll be sent right back to St. Mungo's. So, she straightens up her act. As much as the idea of food repulses her, her body is begging for it. By ignoring it's please she knows it will show it's vengeance by passing out again.. Besides asking for food might be the only way to avoid a misplaced intervention. So, she sucks in her pride, tries to forget about her recent relapse, and says the words Ron is least expecting. "But I should probably eat something."
He nods his head tentatively, grabbing the chocolate frog in his back pocket. "Here," he says, "For the blood sugar."
She eyes it carefully, "Ron, I really shouldn't be eating sweets."
He frowns, which she expects. "Just eat it."
She's not in a place to argue, too weak to by all means. So she takes the high caloric treat in to her hands and decides to get it over with. She gobbles it down quickly, without constraint, and Ron can't help but smile at that. It's a good flavor, just right. But she instantly feels embarrassment, remorse, and, even, guilt.
"A little better?" he asks. She nods her head. He gives her a pitying smile. "Mind if I take the Wizarding Card?"
"Sure," she says, rolling her eyes.
He starts laughing when he looks at it. "Merlin, 'Mione. You won't believe this!" he turns the card around to see Harry's face quickly grace the card. But she does believe it. Why wouldn't she? Harry's always had the glory. He was 'The Chosen One', after all. The celebrity of the wizarding world, he'd had many more honors bestowed upon him than a place as a chocolate frog wizarding card. He'd defeated Voldemort, and apparently they were just witnesses to the act.
"Wonder why he didn't tell us?" Ron wonders aloud, staring at the card.
"He probably didn't want to seem conceited," she says.
"Right," Ron says, "Big words…that's a good sign. We should get lunch."
She looks at him pleadingly, but knows he won't budge. "I just ate that Frog."
He ignores her, "Come on, Hermione."
"I'm full, Ron." She turns away from him. "I hate it when you tell me what to do. You nag at me about the food, try to control everything about my life! Don't you think it'd be easier to get back to normal, if everyone stopped telling me what I will and won't do every minute of my life. What I can't date any guy that I'm interested in, but you're going to go date girls like Luna?"
"Luna?" he says, utterly confused, "Did you hit your head when you passed out? I'm not planning on dating any girl but you. That is, when you're back to being you."
She breathes in deeply, and turns into angry Hermione, the one that reminds him of a Hungarian Horntail. "Don't treat me like I'm some stupid girl, Ron!"
"I..." But before he can finish the sentence she turns to stomp off back to the castle.
"Girls," he says out loud, shaking his head. "They're all mad."
Hermione walks through the castle halls fuming; there are no classes today so she doesn't know what she'll do to occupy her time. She certainly isn't going to eat lunch. Not with everyone watching her, and the chocolate frog digesting inside of her. So she just walks. Maybe she'll burn some calories that way.
When she gets tired, she decides she should head to the library. Lately, she's reacquired her motivation for perfect marks, and studies have become a necessity. Unfortunately, she didn't expect the awful 5th years to be there.
The group of 5th years that began their taunts at the station had continued to torment Hermione since she'd returned to Hogwarts. If they saw her from a far in the halls, or if she were with a group of friends, they'd simply make gagging, cutting or fat gestures, but when they were near her alone it was much worse. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't started crying on occasion. Their words were venom, poisoning her recovery the moment they started. It was almost as if the insecurities in her head sprang to life from their vicious lips. Nothing, no therapy, no friend, no Ron, could calm the feelings they gave way to. After all, why would they lie to her? She convinced herself it was the truth, and she'd been overcome by relapse.
She'd tried to avoid them the best she could. She'd tried to ignore them. She'd tried to stay bother unbothered. She'd tried to pretend nothing was wrong. But all of her tries were futile, and it got to her. Still, she maintained her friend's ignorance to the matter. Nothing would be worst if they found out. It would be one more thing for them to have to handle for her, one more thing that would make her appear weak.
"Hermione Granger skipping lunch… must have looked in the mirror." The leader began, with a particularly nasty glare.
"Ron must not like fatties." The other piped up.
"She's just a charity case. They just feel bad for her." The one who was never that great at dissing her chided.
"Such a waste of space… a lot of space."
"Wonder if she's started cutting again," the one smiled at her. "I would if I looked like that."
"I would if I acted like that. Such a know-it-all. No wonder her friends don't like her."
"They only used her for her brain, and she hasn't even got that anymore."
"Well at least she's studying; maybe she can learn a new spell to disappear so that the rest of us won't have to look at her anymore."
Hermione sat, showing no emotion. From the inside, she looked like an impenetrable force, but on the inside she was ready to burst into tears. Her gut was wrenching, and every part of her body was fighting to keep it all in. But the girls continued their taunts one after another, nothing was off limits.
It reminds her of when she was younger and went to muggle school. She was strange to them, a precocious know it all even then. When she'd tell her teacher, the lady would get mean. She'd called her a tattle tale a couple of times, and told her to just ignore it. All of the adults told her that; they'd said if she didn't react so much, they'd get bored of it. That never worked, and it still didn't. The thing about being bullied was that the school and teachers always liked to give advice to the victim. They'd tell Hermione what they're doing wrong, what they can do to stop getting bullied. The advice never worked, and the chastising made her feel like she'd deserved the abuse, like it was her fault. She stopped telling people about it, and so she definitely wouldn't now. She was a big girl, now. She would ignore it. She would deserve it.
And the words kept ringing in her ears, and she kept enduring it, tears starting to form in her eyes, new insecurities racing through her head. And the attacks come coming and coming and coming, until she heard a familiar voice.
"What the fuck did you just say to her?" She heard Ron say. Her head twisted around, her cheeks red from embarrassment. "Did you seriously just say that to her?"
The girls stuttered. They weren't so strong anymore. "N-no. W-we were just talking a-amongst ourselves."
"At a decibel louder that the whole great hall?" Harry piped in, "Are you all that immature."
"It was about a different girl?" a girl said, although her excuse wasn't even a statement.
"You used Hermione's name! My girlfriend's name!" He practically yells, and the girls are straight up intimidated. If Hermione wasn't so embarrassed she would have noticed that Ron used the term 'girlfriend' to talk about her, "Do you still think it'd be okay to talk about anyone that way? No. But you sick, twisted girls, want to talk to her like that! What is wrong with you?"
Hermione can't take it anymore. She's embarrassed of everything, and so she stands up and runs out of the library. She didn't want Ron and Harry to see that."
"Hermione!" She hears them calling out.
She turns around to see Ron. "Are you alright?" he asks.
She sucks it in and smiles, "I'm absolutely fine!"
"No you aren't," he says.
"Didn't know you could read minds, Ron!"
"Come off it, 'Mione. That was awful."
"I guess I'm used to it."
"You should never be used to that."
"Yeah… well. When you're like me…"
"Amazing?" Ron says. And she smiles, slightly.
"I don't deserve you," she says. "You're too nice."
"No," he says, "You're too nice."
She smiles, "I'll try to be better for you."
"You're already perfect. You could eat more, get a little healthier. But you're perfect. Always have been, always will. I just wish you noticed it."
"I'm not, though," she whispers, "You know I'm not. Did you hear what they were saying?"
"Do you believe them?" He says, "Because nothing they said was true. They're jealous of you, or just have a sick fascination with making other people feel so horrible about themselves. It makes them feel powerful. It has nothing to do with you."
"Ron," she says, "I'm a horrible person. I've caused nothing, but trouble. You'd all be better without me."
"Are you kidding? Don't ever think that. 'Mione, without you, Voldemort would have probably come to power 7 years ago and killed Harry, and we'd all be dead. You helped defeat him this last time, too. And besides that we'd have all been expelled or flunked out of school before our 3rd years. Right now, you're going through a rough patch, but you're still our Hermione. And my life would suck without you."
"You're wrong."
"I thought you worked this out. Didn't you talk about this in therapy?"
"No," she practically laughs, "My fear of failure… that we worked on. Apparently, I should just expect to fail in life. Also, we discussed my dependency on other people, specifically you. Ironically, she also want me to open up and stop pushing everyone away. I've learnt that I'm weak, though. I can tell my healer thinks so. She thinks I'm pathetic for not being able to handle a break up."
"I doubt that." He says quietly.
"No, she thinks it. She's belittling, and I can't stand her. She tells me what to do, but doesn't care what I think. She doesn't listen to anything I say. I feel like nobody does; it's like everyonewants to tell me what to do. What I think doesn't matter."
"That's not true," he says. "I listen. I ask how you're doing all the time."
"You do ask, but when I answer, when I tell everyone how I feel, you included, they tell me what I should be thinking, what I should be doing."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is." She says. "See. It's happening right now."
"I'm sorry." He says.
"Don't be." She says, turning to walk away. She knows she'll avoid him for a couple days. She's embarrassed herself too much in front of him today.
Ever since she fainted by the lake, nightmares of Ron dating other girls have persisted. In one dream he even claims to date Ginny. It's gotten ridiculous. However, even though she can cognitively process that he has not betrayed her for anybody, she still worries about it.
Maybe, he just hasn't admitted it yet. Perhaps, Ron is harboring feelings for someone else, but wants to spare her the heart break. After all, she is the pathetic ex-girlfriend, who'd just about tried to kill herself a few months ago and is amidst an eating disorder relapse.
The hurt and insecurities from her nightmares persist all morning, rummaging to analyze every occurrence and thought. She can't help but look at Luna (the girl in last night's dream) with a sense of resentment and jealousy despite the girl's innocence. But the worst moment comes when she catches Ron's eyes at breakfast, and suddenly she feels her insides shatter.
"I'm glad to see you," he says, eyes ever so intent as a smile flickers across her face. She hasn't talked to him much since the whole insane thing by the lake and their conversation at . Plus, the realistic betrayal in her dream does nothing to subside her feelings, but a part of her wants to show him kindness and warmth. She wants to thank him for not abandoning her, for being so sensitive to her throughout her rendezvous with crazy. Sure, he could have given up on her like in her nightmare, could have abandoned her for somebody without the drama, but he's sticking with her. Even if it is as a friend, she knows deep down there remains a sense of something more. She can't keep pushing him away, because after her dream, she's come to the reality that she wants him in her life. Besides, she can't stay mad at him over the Draco thing forever. If she's hurt by a dream, he's sure to be tortured by the reality of Hermione's flirtation with the boy he disdains most in the world.
Her instincts are to give him a scowl and a snarky remark, but she ignores it for her old common sense and sudden realizations. "Nice to see you too," she says, and to her surprise she catches him giving off the world's largest grin. She didn't know a simple exchange of pleasantries could give him so much happiness, and then as if craving more, she asks. "What's for breakfast?"
And, yes, she knows the answer. It's the same as it's always been, but the hidden message is loud and clear—she's willing to eat without prompt. The smiles around the table emerge, and she finds herself smiling too as she puts food onto her plate without command or interference about a larger portion size. For the most part, the people around her try to make pleasant conversation. Neville mentions something about Herbology, and then Hannah makes a quick remark of "how interesting!" as the others chide along whilst taking quick sideways glances at Hermione's plate. She knows this is all an act to make her feel more comfortable, and she appreciates it without qualms.
She eats slowly, sometimes staring at pieces of food on her fork for a whole minute before placing it in her mouth. She cuts up pieces into small bits, which she knows she shouldn't do, but which helps calm her nerves down during the whole eating process. And while she is almost sure somebody will say something, nobody does.
When Hermione is done with her food—an egg, some berries and a waffle with maple syrup—she places her fork down, expecting someone to comment on the sausage that remains untouched. She just looks around to find that everyone is trying to pretend like they haven't noticed her eat breakfast without a word of encouragement from anyone. She expects some comment, and she is thankful that nobody gives her applause or force feeds the left over hash brown down her throat.
She fears the moment is over when Ginny asks if she's done. But when she hesitantly replies that she is, Ginny simply asks if she wants to accompany her to their dormitory to get ready for class. Harry returns her wand to her, and everyone gives their 'see you soon's and 'good bye's as the two girls head off.
"So what was that about?" Hermione asks.
"I could ask you the same thing." Ginny says, a smile gracing her face. "Somebody woke up on the cheerful side of bed this morning."
"Ha-ha," Hermione fakes a laugh, "I wish."
"Nice to see you too," Ginny mimics Hermione's previous pleasantries with Ron, batting her eyelashes and a high voice in tow, "Thank Merlin, you finally made up. Harry and I were getting downright tired of playing owl between the two of you."
Hermione smiles gently, but she can't say they've made up. She wants too, but there is still bitter tension between them.
"So, since you're in such a peachy mood today, would you mind tagging along with us to Hogsmeade this afternoon?"
"Sure," Hermione says hesitantly. Frankly, she'd rather sit in her room for hours and catch up on work, but she wants to spend time with Ron. She wants to make sure there are no flirtations she is unaware of, and that she can still keep his interest. Maybe those are motives for her participation in social activity, but nobody will be asking about her reasons. They will all just be thrilled that she's returning.
"Really?" Ginny says, smile plastered across her face.
"Would you like me to change my mind?" Hermione says.
Ginny laughs gently, before Hermione realizes that the subject has been changed from her original question. "Now could you explain to me why everyone was acting so normal?"
Ginny's hand goes to the back of her neck, clearly uncomfortable by Hermione's question. "Would you like us to act any differently?"
Hermione hesitates for a second, "No… No. I was just surprised."
But Ginny is mysteriously unresponsive as they move towards the familiar fat lady. The silence is conveniently interrupted by the password, and a greeting from a few second years, asking for help on a question for Potions.
Hermione attempts to ignore her curiosity; she should just be thankful. But thoughts whisper new ideas inside her head. Do they simply not care? Was this some elaborate plan? Have they decided she's a lost cause? Do they think she's all better now?
Then Ginny looks at her as if she's nervous. "You know I care about you Hermione, right?"
"I guess," Hermione says.
"And you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"Sure…" Hermione looks at her strange.
"What's this about , Ginny?"
"I just want you to know. If you ever want to talk, I'll listen."
Hermione practically freezes and she figures out everything. "Ron told you about our conversation."
Ginny nods her head "It depends… You're not mad are you?"
Hermione thinks for a moment. Should she be furious about the fact that Ron betrayed her trust, or grateful that Ron actually listened. She decides on the later and shakes her head no. At least someone's listened. At least he cared. At least they're all trying.
What do you all think? Is this story heading in the right direction? Let me know.