A/N: Thanks again to Liv Cassidy for being such an awesome beta! And to Kate L. for the hair cutting bit of this (Used with Permission!) Enjoy...
Olivia and Brian shared his bed; he offered to take the couch but she wouldn't have it. She realized that in order to feel safe, she needed to be in Brian's arms. She realized that it was the only place she ever truly felt safe. She wished she would have figured all this out years ago, but she also knew that until now, she wasn't ready. She thought she was mature enough back then, but she really wasn't. She knew that if they did get involved then that they would have broken up. Things happen when they're supposed to happen. Olivia was cuddled into his chest, her bad arm draped across him, and Brandy was nuzzled between them.
Brian felt something wet on his cheek and he groaned. "Mm, Liv, not now, baby." He felt it again. "Liv." He put his hand out and felt something furry. He opened his eyes and smiled at the puppy on his chest. "You hungry, pretty girl?" he asked with a smile, looking over at Olivia who was sleeping soundly next to him. He quietly got up and carried Brandy with him and got her food and water, and made sure that there was a piddle pad on the ground for her, as she wasn't yet house broken.
He walked back into the bedroom to see Olivia sitting up, curled in a ball. He ran to her side and wrapped an arm around her. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked, concerned for her. He could see her tears, he could feel her shaking. She shook her head and fell into him, sobs wracking her body. His arms enveloped her, holding her tight, kissing the top of her head. "I got you, Liv. I'm right here," he whispered. His heart was breaking. He wanted more than anything to take her pain away. He wanted to be able to snap his fingers and take the memories of what that monster did to her.
She took a deep breath. "I can still feel him, Bry. Why can I still feel him?" she asked between sobs, wiping her eyes, trying to calm herself down. She wanted to be normal again. She wanted to be able to sit on the couch and not jump every time there was a knock at the door. She wanted to be able to come home from a long day of work and have a night of passionate love making with her boyfriend again. Instead, she was plagued by the fear of being touched. She was afraid of anything except being held by Brian, and feeling his tender kiss. She knew that he was gone. Lewis. She knew he was dead and that there was no way he could ever hurt her again, and yet he still had this control over her.
Brian lifted her chin and gently wiped her eyes. "Liv, I think it's time you think about going to a counselor. I know you are a strong woman, baby. I know that you want to be able to do this on your own, but there is no shame in reaching out and asking for help. You tell that to women all the time." He gently caressed her face. "Baby, you're stubborn as a mule, and you are awful at taking your own advice. Those are two of the things I love the most about you. But if you don't get help, this is going to eat you alive," he whispered, tears welling up in his own eyes. "I wish I knew what to say to help take your pain away. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take this all away, but I can't. Will you please look into counseling? If not for yourself for me, I'm worried about you. And I need you here with me. I never want to lose you."
Olivia looked into his eyes and she nodded. "You're right, Bry," she whispered. "I'll call a few places in the morning." She smiled and wiped her eyes. She shook her head. "Even what happened at Sealview… I handled it better. I knew my triggers, I handled the PTSD. I didn't have anyone to hold me, to make me feel safe. Now, I have you, and I've never felt safer, but I feel like whenever you leave, he comes back. He comes back and he's on top of me and I feel everything all over again, and I hear him. I feel his breath on my neck." She took another breath and closed her eyes. "I just want him to go away."
Brian pulled her closer and rocked her gently, rubbing her back. "I'm here now. He's never going to get you again. No one will," he said in a shaky voice, trying to fight the tears. He couldn't cry right now. He held her close, never wanting to let her go again. They heard the pitter-patter of little paws as Brandy came back in and jumped up on the bed, laying on Olivia's lap, pawing at her.
Olivia wiped her eyes and let out a small laugh as she picked up the little gray pit bull puppy and nuzzled her. She looked at Brian, seeing tears in his eyes. She wiped the tears away and took his hand in hers. "I'm going to get through this. WE, are going to get through this," she whispered. "I promise." She smiled and placed a few chaste kisses on his lips. She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes. "I love you. Thank you for still loving me."
Brian pulled back and looked at her like she had ten heads. "Why wouldn't I?"
Olivia let out a sigh. "I'm up every few hours, shaking from nightmares. I'm basically an invalid. I'm totally dependent on you, and it's a lot. Not to mention our intimacy level has gone from whenever we're together down to never. I don't know, I guess a lot of the guys before wouldn't have been able to handle it. I'm not used to unconditional love, Bry," she said gently with a shrug.
"Oh, baby. I know, but I'm going to be here, forever and always no matter what. I'm used to not getting a lot of sleep, and I love getting to take care of you, and though our love life was, and will be, insanely hot, I won't push you. I'll wait however long you need to wait, and when you're comfortable again, I'll be here."
She smiled and hugged him tight, closing her eyes. She truly never had anyone who would truly love her unconditionally like Brian. There was always a condition. In fact, the only times she ever heard the words I love you from men was after sex. She figured that's what love was. It wasn't until Brian came along that she truly learned about love. Love was wanting to be with someone, without feeling an obligation to be with them.
Brian hugged her back and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, leaning in and whispering softly to her, "I love you, too."
Olivia rested her head on his shoulder. "How did I get lucky enough to find the most perfect man in the entire world?"
Brian rubbed her back and smiled. "Because he got lucky enough to find the most perfect woman." She picked her head off his shoulder and he winked at him.
She shook her head and looked out the window. "Look, Bry. The sun's coming up," she said in a soft voice. They cuddled up in each other's arms and watched the sunrise with Brandy, who was now fast asleep on Olivia's lap. Once the sun was up they lay back down and slept for a few more hours. Once they woke up, Brian went to make breakfast and Olivia made a few calls to get into a rape crisis center. She knew she needed counseling, that she couldn't do this on her own anymore. She just needed someone to point it out to her. She finally found a center that didn't have a six month waiting list, that she could get into right away. She made an appointment for the next day; she got up from the bed and hobbled her way into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and let out a breath. She didn't like the reflection looking back at her.
Her face was pale, and sunken in slightly, she'd lost weight because she was never really hungry anymore, so she wasn't eating a lot. She had big dark circles under her eyes, partly from the bruises, partly from lack of sleep. She hadn't looked like this in a long time. And her hair, though long, flowing, and luscious, to her it looked dead, listless. She felt tears in her eyes and she gripped onto the counter, more tears coming down her face. She opened the medicine cabinet and took out the scissors. She needed to get the hair off her head. He pulled it. He stroked it. He ruined it.
Just then Brian came walking in, walking over to her. "Baby, what's wrong?"
Her eyes met his in the mirror. "My hair, he ruined it. He pulled it, and stroked it. I need it off of me. I need him off of me," she whispered through gritted teeth, dropping the scissors and covering her face, turning to face him, resting on his chest.
He rubbed her back and took a deep breath and pulled back. "Sit down, I'll cut it for you."
She looked at him. "You can cut hair?"
He shrugged. "Never went to cosmetology school, but I used to help my mom with her hair all the time. It takes a lot to cut and dye and highlight hair, and when you have a little boy and you're a single mom, you do what you can."
Olivia smiled and sat down, her back to him. She took a deep breath and heard the scissors snipping. She trusted him. She wouldn't let any other boyfriend cut her hair. When he was done he put the scissors and put a hand on her shoulder. "Tell me what you think." He helped her stand up and she looked in the mirror.
She touched her hair and smiled, turning around and wrapping her arms around him. "Thank you," she said, pulling away and wiping her eyes. "It's perfect."
He smiled. "It's just how I remember it, from all those years ago. And Liv, baby, you haven't changed a bit. It's like time stopped the moment I laid eyes on you."
She felt herself blush and she rested her hand on his cheek, gently caressing it. She took a deep breath and leaned in and gave him a kiss. It lasted a little longer this time. Her heart raced a little bit, but she wasn't sure if it was fear or love. She was pretty sure it was love. She broke the kiss gently and inhaled gently.
"You okay, Pancakes?"
She gave a small smile and nodded. "I think so." She let out a breath. "I don't know, my heart's racing and my head is spinning, but I don't feel like crying. I want to just smile."
He wrapped an arm around her. "That's a good thing, baby."
Her smile grew and she gave him another gentle kiss. "Baby steps, right?"
He nodded. "Not like how we originally started out," they shared a laugh and a few more kisses. They were careful not to let the kisses get too passionate, as neither one was sure how far was too far for Olivia right now, but at the same time, they wanted to kiss each other. They had always loved each other's kisses, and even the amount of time they had gone without truly kissing one another felt like something was missing. They were a very physical couple, so any physical showing of love meant that they were taking a step in the right direction, a step back to normalcy.
Olivia smiled at him. "We need to start planning the wedding, there's so much to do. But the most important thing is the date."
Brian smiled and nodded. "Have any ideas in mind?"
Olivia felt tears well up in her eyes and she nodded. "May 20." He looked at her a little confused. "It was the day you got shot. The day Lewis kidnapped me. Bastard interrupted our anniversary." She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "It's the day that we fought to live for each other. What better day to get married?"
He kissed her forehead. "That sounds perfect. And he didn't ruin our anniversary. We had the same ending I thought we'd have. Just came about in a different way."
Now it was her turn to be confused. "What in God's name are you talking about. Bry?"
He smiled. "I was going to propose to you," he said gently, caressing her face. He picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. "Granted I had different activities planned for the night, and I wasn't planning on what led up to it, but it turned out the way I wanted it to anyway." He put her on the bed and lay next to her. "But no matter what, I'm just so glad that you're mine."
Olivia curled into him and grinned. "I can't picture being anyone else's." She closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh. "You made breakfast, didn't you?"
He smirked. "I did. You know what I made?"
Olivia chuckled to herself a little. "Lemme guess, pancakes?"
Brian kissed the top of her head. "That I did, my love. That I did."
"I'm kinda hungry."
Brian looked down at her. "And…"
She looked up at him and pouted. "Will you get me some breakfast?" She batted her eyelashes and smiled, seeing him get up.
"You're lucky I love you."
A big grin grew on her face and she nodded. "I know I am. Luckiest woman in the world."
Brian walked over to her and kissed her nose. He then got them both some breakfast. Once they finished Olivia took a deep breath. She took his hand and lay back. He did the same and she looked over at him. "I hate this. I want to be back to how we were before. I want to be able to be rolling around in the sheets with you on our days off. I want to celebrate our engagement; I want to be able to make love to you."
He gently caressed her face. "I know, baby. I want to do all of that too," he whispered.
She shook her head, fighting the tears. "It's bad enough he took the things he did from me, I don't want him to take my entire love life away." She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. "After what happened when I was undercover… I couldn't do oral sex. What if I can't ever make love to you again?"
Brian took a deep breath and kissed her temple. "Well, the Olivia Benson I know never liked oral sex to begin with, but she's also a freak between the sheets, something tells me that we'll be making love again at some point, baby. But, if not then we'll learn to live with it."
Olivia looked at him. "You would stay with me, even if I never wanted to have sex again?"
Brian smiled. "Fourteen years ago? Probably not. But today, knowing how much I do truly love you, I would stay with you even if you had one eye, one leg, and one tooth. Because I don't just love your body, I love your heart, and your mind. Baby, that's why I know that you are going to make it through this, because of what's in here," he whispered, placing a hand over her heart, "and in here," he said, gently tapping her temple. "You are a fighter. You know that your purpose here on earth hasn't been fulfilled yet, you're still working your mission."
Olivia furrowed her brow. "Okay, who are you and what in the world have you done with Brian Cassidy?"
He shook his head and laughed. "I guess you've never gotten to see my spiritual side, huh?"
Olivia chuckled and shook her head. "No. Not once. I didn't know you were into all that after life, and life's mission. A calling."
He shrugged. "I wasn't, until a few days ago. Made me stop and think. You were in the hands of a mad man, and I… I had my hands tied. I couldn't do anything. I went to mom's house and she prayed. I just hoped that there was a higher power, a greater being out there that wasn't quite done with you yet, because I still need you in my life."
Olivia felt tears well up in her eyes. "Oh, Bry…" she whispered and kissed him. She wrapped her arms around him and broke the kiss. "Baby, I… I hoped to whatever it is that's out there, whatever power greater than ourselves there is, that I'd survive long enough to look into your eyes and tell you I love you one more time. I got so much more than that." She pulled him into another kiss and broke it gently. "God, I hate him for what he did," she whispered.
He stroked her hair. "So do I."
She shook her head. "I don't want him to win, and I feel like he is."
He gently kissed the burn on her collarbone. "But he's not. You're getting the help you need. You aren't letting him win. You're fighting back."
She smiled softly. "I wouldn't be able to do it without you. I couldn't handle it again."
Her words stuck a knife into his heart, and the word 'again' just twisted it. He just held her close, because he didn't know what else to do. More than anything he wanted to go back to that day at the bar and beg her not to go, so that maybe this never would have happened. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Baby, don't. This isn't your fault. There is nothing any of us could do to have prevented this."
"How did you know that's what I was saying sorry for?"
She smiled and looked at him. "I'm in love with you, I can read your mind," she said matter of factly. "It's a woman's sixth sense."
Brian looked at her. "Yeah, then what am I thinking right now."
She thought for a minute and smiled. "This." She kissed him, grabbing his face in her hands. It was forceful, but tender, passionate, and timid all wrapped into one. She wanted him more than anything, but she wasn't ready yet. The feelings were there, but her mind wasn't. His kisses had always been able to drive her mad. Even the first night they spent together. If it hadn't been for that one kiss, none of it would have ever happened. His kisses sparked a fire in her.
He broke the kiss and rubbed her back. "If we do that much longer –"
She nodded, breathless. "I know. I know." She closed her eyes and let out a breath.
They spent the rest of the day hanging out in bed, cuddling with each other and Brandy. Olivia knew that the next day was going to be hard. She knew that having to speak about what he did to her was going to be difficult, but she knew it had to be done, so that she could heal and get her life back.
Brian drove her to the center the next morning. He helped her inside and into her appointment, leaving her with the therapist and waiting in the waiting room for her. He wanted her to be able to talk freely about what happened. He knew if she needed him, she would ask.
Inside, Olivia was speaking to her therapist, going through everything he did, everything he said, even that stupid song he sang while she was in the car. The therapist suggested they try traditional talk therapy, and then EMDR to help her PTSD. He suggested she see a psychiatrist to be put on some sort of anti-anxiety medication, because he could tell that the anxiety was more than affecting her everyday life. She was afraid to do much of anything. She looked at him, wiping her eyes. "Look, I just got engaged, after this happened. We haven't been able to… celebrate, the way we'd like to. Will this help?"
He took a deep breath. "It may, but it may not, in fact it may also decrease your sex drive."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "That's not the problem. I want to make love to my fiancé, I can't. The flashbacks, tactile, visual, auditory, I need them to stop so that I can. I can kiss him, and that's it, and it's driving the both of us, me in particular absolutely bat shit crazy!"
The therapist nodded, his eyebrows raised. "It'll take some work. Not only will you have to use the medication if a flashback gets too bad, or you feel you need one, but you'll need to journal, and use the EMDR so that it can do its job. It's going to take a support system, and if that means talking to someone other than your fiancé about the flashbacks and anything else, then that's what you have to do."
"I can tell Brian anything."
"Would you tell him what it is that triggers you? Will you be able to talk as openly, and candidly about what you went through as you have me?"
Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. "No."
"And why not?"
"Because I love him too much, I don't want those images in his head. I mean obviously he'll have to know what triggers me, but giving him all the details, about everything that monster did to me?" She shook her head. "I don't want those images in his head. He feels guilty enough because my captain wouldn't let him help them find me." She said softly. "I can see it in his eyes."
"You need to talk to him. If you want your sex life back to the way it was, and from what you've told me it seemed to be a very healthy sex life, you need to talk to him, and tell him what he wants to hear. Relationships, Olivia, are a thing of trust. If you haven't got trust, you haven't got a relationship."
"I do trust Brian. It's me I don't trust. But, I would give anything to be able to feel him touch me again, feel him inside of me."
He nodded. "Well, make an appointment with the psychiatrist, we'll make another appointment for next week, and I want you journaling. Write down whatever it is you feel, whatever it is you need to get off your chest, flashbacks, anything. And find a support system, preferably more than one person. That's a lot for one person to take on."
Olivia nodded and stood up, hobbling her way out on her crutch. She smiled at Brian. "Ready, baby?" she asked gently. He stood up and nodded, kissing her cheek. She closed her eyes and smiled. "Come on, let's grab some lunch."
A/N: For those of you who don't know, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a therapy technique used widely with survivors of trauma to help with PTSD and to regain their lives. I wrote this chapter in a way for a reason, being a survivor it IS important for me to tell the story of healing, ups and downs. The times where right after we feel we're okay only to have it all come crashing down. The need to hold onto someone because surely without them you'd never be able to carry on, though deep down inside you wonder if they truly love you, or if it's all just a dream. I didn't focus a lot on Liv's therapy session here because intake appointments are dull, dry, full of paperwork, followed by plenty of Kleenex, tears and snot. It's not something I'm ready as a writer or survivor ready to write, and it's not something I want to focus on in this story in particular. Besides that, I could write Olivia's BioPsychoSocial, but this would be an additional 10,000 words minimum because there is just too much to put in there. So, the next chapter will be more ups and downs for healing, and Olivia reaching out to find a support system.