A/N: Thanks to my AWESOME beta, Liv Cassidy for the awesome feed back on this chapter (and for fixing that pesky blue highlight!)
Olivia made an appointment with the psychiatrist as she had been instructed by her therapist. She sat in the office, fidgeting as she spoke with him, explaining what her anxieties were. "Whenever there's a knock at the door my heart jumps. When I hear footsteps outside… It's almost to the point where I'm afraid to leave the house."
"And your perpetrator was killed?"
Olivia rolled her eyes and then wiped them. "Yes, that would be why what I'm having is called anxiety, it's not a rational fear. You're a psychiatrist, shouldn't you know this?"
"Olivia, I'm just trying to get all the information."
She let out a breath and closed her eyes. "I'm assuming this is the reason most therapy practice has moved to the social workers? Look, I'm here because I need help; I need something so that I can sit on the couch with my fiancé and not go into a panic attack when I hear a neighbor walking down the hallway. I'm here for anti-anxiety medication for an as needed basis. I'd prefer something that wasn't a benzodiazepine, because as you can see from my history, both of my parents were substance abusers. The fact that I know more about what you do that you actually scares me. So, can we get this over with so I can go home and rest because I am just exhausted?"
He took a deep breath. "I appreciate your situation, but there is no need for hostility."
She scoffed and shook her head. "You… you appreciate my situation? Really? You know what, I don't need the meds. Go scratch." She got up and hobbled out of the office.
The receptionist tried to stop her, "Ma'am you haven't paid your co-pay yet."
She stopped and looked at her. "Look, Patty, or Susie, or Didi, or whatever your name may be, the doctor you're working for is a complete ass, and he won't be getting his co-pay today. Bill my insurance." She looked at Brian. "Come on, baby."
He got up and walked over to her. "Baby, what's wrong?"
She looked at him. "He appreciates my situation but feels I was being unnecessarily hostile, because his bedside manner is disgusting."
Brian walked with her out of the office and looked at her. "What happened?"
Olivia took a deep breath, fighting the tears. "I told him what happened, that I was afraid to even leave the house, and he said, "but your perpetrator is dead." She took a deep breath and shook her head. "I lost it. It's called anxiety for a reason. They aren't rational fears, and I know that but I can't get him out of my head. I made a few snarky remarks, he said he appreciated my situation… I told him to go scratch and walked out."
Brian hugged her gently. "It's okay, baby, come on, let's get something to eat."
She looked at him. "No, do you think I was over reacting? Baby, he had the attention span of a flea, I told him five times that I knew Lewis was dead and I didn't understand it. I told him I just wanted something so I could sit on the couch with you and not freak every time we hear a neighbor walk down the hallway, and all he can say is that he appreciates my situation?"
"Liv, baby, I think he was just being thorough."
"Is it really necessary to be thorough to the point where it just re-traumatizes me? It's not like I was in there for therapy. Psychiatrists don't DO therapy. Social workers do all the therapy now. He had to keep going over everything?"
"He has to weed out the patients who really need the medication versus those who just want to abuse it."
"So that's what I am? I told him I didn't want anything addictive because BOTH of my parents were substance abusers. God, what the hell is going on?"
"Liv, I never said you were. Baby, please calm down."
"Calm down? Calm down? I'll calm down when the bastard learns how to deal with a rape victim on the verge of a nervous breakdown."
"Okay, come on, let's go get something to eat." He wrapped an arm around her.
She batted him away and slapped him. The next thing she knew her hand was stinging and he was holding his cheek. She gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh, baby…" He started to walk away and she tried to chase after him, but because she only had one working leg, it was futile. "Baby, PLEASE!" She felt tears starting to run down her face. "What have I done?" She caught a cab back to his apartment, letting herself in with her key. Brandy was at the door waiting for her and she smiled. "Hello, my puppy." She picked her up and nuzzled her. She walked into the bedroom, changing into one of his old shirts and cuddling up with Brandy, who licked the tears from her face and cuddled into her.
Olivia sniffled, wiping her eyes, looking out the window. She messed up. She always messed up. What was the point of any of this anymore? She was destined to be alone, everyone always left. Everyone but the dog in her arms, and that's only because the dog hadn't gotten to know her yet. She fell asleep after a little while, only to be woken up by an arm wrapping around her. "Bry?" She turned and saw him there. She rolled over and looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. I understand if you want this back," she whispered, sliding her engagement ring off her finger, sobbing silently.
Brian wiped her eyes and caressed her face, taking the ring, and slipping it back on her finger. "Baby, I'm not going anywhere. Ever. You're stuck with me until the end of time. Just remind me not to get on your bad side again."
Olivia looked at him. "Why would you want to stay with me, I'm obviously damaged. Beyond repair. I hit you."
Brian wiped her tears again and smiled. "I love you. Damaged or not. I love every last bit of you. And yeah, a slap in the face, but I've had worse… besides, that's another one of the things I love about you."
Olivia looked down and she nodded, a small smile on her face. "Bry, I'm scared. I don't know what that was. I don't know why I snapped the way I did." She buried her face in his chest and cried. "I don't want to turn into my mother."
He rubbed her back and soothed her. "I think you may need medication, and that's ok. We'll find you a different psychiatrist, ok? Just don't tell this one to go scratch." He heard her laugh and he smiled. "I've missed that sound."
She looked up at him. "I really am sorry about before. I honestly don't remember a lot. Just my hand stinging. That's what scares me."
Brian nodded. "I think you went a little manic there. You were taking everything to heart, but after what's happened to you, it's no shock. You had your walls up. It's ok. You are going to be ok. And you are nothing like your mother."
Olivia smiled and sniffled. "God, I hate this. I just want to be better."
"Just give it time, Pancakes. It'll happen, but you need to be patient with yourself. How many women have you told that healing takes time?"
She nodded. "I know. I just… I was over what happened to me in Sealview so quickly and with only a little bit of help, I thought this would be similar."
Brian took a deep breath. "Liv, you were never over it. You started healing, but I don't know that you ever finished. And I don't know that you'll ever be 'over' what happened to you."
Olivia smiled gently and looked up at him. "Why did you ever leave SVU? You're wonderful with victims."
Brian took a deep breath. "I let them get to me. I let you get to me."
Olivia nodded. "I forgot. I was a bitch back then."
Brian chuckled. "Yeah, and you have a bitch in you still, but I love you for it." He kissed her gently, smiling into the kiss.
She smiled and broke the kiss. "I'm kinda hungry. Why don't we make something to eat?"
He raised an eyebrow. "And by we, you mean…"
"I'll pick and you heat it up?"
He kissed the top of her head with a chuckle. "Absolutely, baby. What can I get you, my queen?"
She smiled and looked up. "I'm having a craving for your mom's pepper steak."
He nodded. "You got it."
When he came back he had two plates of pepper steak and rice and some soy sauce. She smiled at him and helped him sit down, kissing him gently. "I love you. Thank you for putting up with me, even though I'm damaged and crazy and a ton of other words I can't think of. And thank you for coming back."
"I never left," he said softly.
"You did. After I slapped you. Not that I blame you, but you came back. I wasn't expecting you to."
"You could try and kill me, and I would still come back, because even if I walk away, I'm never leaving."
She smiled and snuggled into him. They ate and Olivia called around to a few other psychiatrists and made an appointment that day, because this was an emergency. She was losing control.
This time, she sat in the office, taking deep breaths, trying to stay calm. She knew that she had to tell her story, again. But this psychiatrist was different. She didn't make Olivia tell it over and over, and she didn't make her feel crazy for still having these panic attacks because someone was walking down the hallway. She didn't make her feel like a lunatic because she was afraid to leave the house.
The therapist wrote her out a prescription for Buspirone for her to begin taking, but because it would take about two weeks, she also gave her a prescription for a low dose of Xanax, and only gave her enough to get through two weeks. "Now, Olivia, I only want you to take the Xanax if you need it while we wait for the Buspirone to kick in, ok?"
Olivia smiled and nodded. "Yeah, thank you so much."
She smiled and nodded. "No problem. I also want to put you on an anti-depressant. A mild one, it'll help you sleep too."
Olivia took a deep breath. "Okay. May I ask which one?"
"Of course, it's called amitriptyline. It's an oldie, but a goodie. It's used mainly for the side effects now, like that it has the quality to make you drowsy. Hopefully it'll get you to sleep through the night. It can help with headaches, IBS, a whole bunch of other things too. Let's make another appointment for a month, see how you're doing then, ok?"
"Yeah, yeah that sounds great. I can't thank you enough. I feel like I may finally be able to get my life back."
"Well, it may not be right away, these things do take time, but, it'll happen. You're a strong woman, and needing a little help along the way is absolutely fine. You're going to get through this."
"With any hope, I'll have worked through these issues sooner rather than later. My fiancé and I haven't gotten to… celebrate… the way we've wanted to. We're a very physical couple, as you know from my history, and it's driving the both of us bonkers."
The therapist chuckled. "When you're ready to try, let's just say the meds won't hinder you at all."
"Wonderful to know."
They shook hands, Olivia walked out of the office with a smile on her face. Brian stood up and smiled. "That's the face I like to see." He walked over to her, wrapping an arm around her and kissing the top of her head.
Olivia closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest. "Dr. Bell, this is my fiancé, Brian. Brian, this is Dr. Bell." They shook hands and smiled. "Thank you again. I'll see you next month."
Dr. Bell nodded. "Wonderful, take care of yourself."
Olivia smiled. "Thanks, you too."
They walked out, picked up Olivia's prescriptions, and then headed home for the night. They cuddled up on the couch with Brandy and watched a movie. She was lying between his legs and she looked up at him. "Kiss me."
Brian looked down at her and smiled. "Gladly," he whispered and leaned down and kissed her, slowly, tenderly. He gently nipped at her bottom lip and ran his hands over her sides.
She let out a soft moan and turned in his arms, laying herself on top of him, resting her head on his chest, feeling him rubbing her back. "I love your kisses." She looked off into space; she wanted to stay like this for the rest of her life. She looked into his eyes and smiled. "I can't wait until we can get back to normal. This is hardly bearable anymore."
Brian smiled and caressed her face. "I know, whenever you're ready, baby, I'll be here."
She smirked. "You better, or I'll have to punish you." She kissed him again, giggling as he sat up, making it so she was straddling him, and he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She felt the bed at her back and him on top of her. She broke the kiss and took a deep breath.
"You okay?"
She looked into his eyes and rested her hand on his shoulder and then closed her eyes.
"I'm right here. You're safe."
She nodded and looked into his eyes again. "I'm sorry." She shook her head and covered her face. "I hate this. I can't even feel sexy anymore."
He gently caressed her face, feeling her nuzzle into his hand, and kissed her collarbone. "You are the sexiest woman in the world."
She looked up at him. "I wish these meds had kicked in already, I just want to feel you again. I miss your touch. I miss the way you feel inside me. It kills me because I get so worked up and I can't do anything about it."
Brian kissed the top of her head. "I know, baby."
She looked up at him. "I am the luckiest woman in the world." She rubbed his shoulders, over his chest. "You want to help me wash up?"
He smiled. "Of course." He got off her, and picked her up, carrying her into the bathroom. They went through their usual routine, he washed her hair in the sink, and left her alone to wash the rest of her body.
She called him when she was done so he could bring her back out to the bedroom and they could just relax for the rest of the night. She cuddled next to him on the bed and looked up at him. "I've liked this, getting to spend all day in your arms. A girl could get used to it."
He smiled and kissed her softly. "You should. Even once you're back at work, I still want to be able to come home and hold you every night."
She looked at him. "Are you asking me to move in with you?"
"If you want to, but I totally understand if you aren't ready for that yet."
She smiled and shifted so she was on top of him, and she looked down at him. "Absolutely." She kissed him gently, feeling his hands run up her back. She let out a soft groan and pressed their bodies together, feeling him holding her tighter. She broke the kiss and placed chaste kisses on his jaw bone, and down his neck. "I love you, Bry," she whispered in his ear.
"I love you too, Pancakes."
A/N: Thanks for reading, review here or on twitter, SVUConnoisseur! Also, everyone keep your fingers crossed, send good vibes/prayers over my way! Within the next few days, I'll know if the sorority I'm rushing (Delta Zeta!) is going to give me a bid so I can pledge! Thanks in advance!