A/N: Thanks to Liv Cassidy for being the most awesome beta there is! While reading this, remember... a little angst never killed anyone...
Olivia woke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, she shot up and gasped. She had a nightmare, and the flashbacks were back. Her flashbacks weren't just visual, they engaged every sense she had. She looked at Brian, still asleep next to her. She carefully got up and turned on the shower, making it hot. She took her pajamas off and climbed in, letting the water run over her body. She stayed in the shower, curled up on the floor, her knees to her chest. She was crying. When the water ran cold she shut it off and put her robe on. She looked at Brian sleeping. She didn't want to wake him up. She walked into the living room and lay on the couch, covered with a blanket, turning the TV on. She put on The Golden Girls and tried to fall back asleep.
She finally dozed back off about an hour later. What felt like only five minutes later she felt a hand on her arm. She gasped and shot up, and looked at the person who was touching her. "Calvin, sweetie, you okay?"
He nodded. "I heard the TV, I got worried. Are you okay?"
She smiled gently and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I just had a bad dream."
"About your attack?"
She nodded. "Yeah, unfortunately, but I'm okay. I just need the noise and light to help me feel safe."
"And you didn't want to wake up Dad."
She smiled. "You are so my son," she giggled. "So, how about you and I have a little midnight madness party, cookies and ice cream, a funny movie?"
He looked at her. "What's the catch?"
She shook her head. "No catch, just a little bit of fun. My mom never did it with me, but when I would sleep over my friend's houses their parents would do it, I always told myself I would too when I had kids."
Calvin thought for a minute. "How can I say no to that?"
"Ok, let's go get some junk food and pick out a movie." They giggled and rushed to the kitchen, getting out a box of Chips Ahoy, some Oreos, a carton of ice cream, some spoons and the jar of peanut butter. They went back to the living room and set everything down. "Okay, what movie do you want to watch?"
Calvin looked through and pointed to one. "This one."
"Grown Ups? Good choice." Olivia popped the movie in and sat down next to him and they started eating the cookies and ice cream, Olivia putting the peanut butter on her cookies.
"Mom, are you sure you're not pregnant?"
Olivia coughed, took a sip of her soda and looked at him. "Why would you ask that?"
"You're putting peanut butter on your cookies, the Chips Ahoy AND the Oreos."
She furrowed her brow. "Yeah… it's really good." She saw him shake his head and she giggled. "What? Calvin, if me putting peanut butter on my cookies makes me pregnant then I've been pregnant longer than you've been alive, my dear. Now, if I start putting peanut butter on my pickles, then we'll have to worry."
"Why would we have to worry? You being pregnant would be a good thing."
Olivia smiled and pulled him into a hug. "You're right, kiddo."
They kept watching the movie and laughing and talking, and Brian walked out of the bedroom. "You guys do realize it's five in the morning right?"
Olivia smiled at him. "Yeah, but I got woken up by a nightmare, and Calvin got woken up by the TV being on so I could try to get back to sleep, so we decided to have a midnight madness party."
"And you didn't invite me?"
Olivia got up and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around him, "I didn't want to wake you up, baby."
Brian kissed her gently. "It's okay, I forgive you. As long as you share some of the leftover food with me."
She smiled. "You betcha." They walked back over to the couch and started watching the movie again. Olivia put some more peanut butter on a cookie and saw both Calvin and Brian staring at her. "What?" she asked, her mouth full of cookies and peanut butter.
"Babe, peanut butter and cookies, are you trying to tell us something?"
Calvin smiled. "That's what I said!"
Olivia rolled her eyes. "First of all, I doubt that I am. Secondly, it's really good, and you all should try it before you mock it; thank you very much."
Brian looked at her. "You may not think you are, but what if you are? I mean, before your attack we were pretty—"
Olivia gently smacked his thigh. "Don't you dare finish that thought."
Brian looked at her. "It's entirely possible."
Olivia took a deep breath. "They would have found it at the hospital."
"Not if they didn't do a pregnancy test."
Olivia looked at the two of them. "Alright, I'll go out and get a test tomorrow; I'll take it when I get home from all of my appointments."
Brian kissed her forehead and she smiled, closing her eyes. "I hope you are."
Calvin nodded. "Me too! I'd love a brother or sister!"
Olivia smiled and looked at the two of them. "All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up. I'm old. It's highly unlikely."
"Well, are you regular?" Calvin asked.
Olivia was stunned. "Um, no… No I'm not, but I'm also ninety-nine percent positive I'm going through menopause."
"So there is still that one percent…. And you know you want to be pregnant. I mean, I'm happy you guys adopted me, but I know you've always wanted to be pregnant."
Olivia took a deep breath. "I guess I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. It's happened before and I was always let down. I don't know that I could bear that heartbreak again."
"We have enough cookies, peanut butter, and ice cream," Calvin said with a smile.
Olivia giggled and kissed the top of his head. "That we do, sweetie. That we do."
Once the movie was over Calvin went back to bed and Brian walked hand in hand with Olivia back to the bedroom. She cuddled up next to him and closed her eyes.
Brain gently stroked her arm. "Baby, how come you didn't wake me up when you had that nightmare?"
Olivia let out a sigh. She shook her head. "I didn't want to bother you. You have work tomorrow, you need your rest."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not particularly, no."
"Are you ever going to talk to me about what happened?"
She sat up and looked at him. "I don't want those images in your head, Bri. It's bad enough I have them in mine. You don't need them in yours too."
"Baby, talk to me, please, you don't need to be the only one who knows what happened. How am I going to help you if I don't know?"
"Bri, I'm fine."
"No, you're not, Liv. You're back to sleeping on the couch with the TV on."
"I had a nightmare, it isn't so uncommon."
"But it was about your attack. Keeping this all inside isn't going to make them go away. You know that, how many women do you tell that to in any given week? How many women have you told that to over your career?"
She got up, her voice a little louder. "Fine, you want to hear all the dark, dirty details of what the fucker did to me? He ambushed me in my apartment, tied me to a chair and burned me. Keys, Cigarettes, whatever was handy, then he forced whiskey down my throat and clocked me with the butt of my gun. He woke me up, made me listen to your voice mail. Hit me again. Next thing I knew we were on the road, and I was in the trunk of a car. He made me watch as he raped his lawyer's mother. Put a lit cigarette out on her whenever I closed my eyes. Put me in the back of their SUV, forced some more alcohol and some pills down my throat. I was knocked out. I don't know what happened next, how we got to whatever house we did. He brought me inside and cuffed me to the bed, he left me there, all night, saying he needed sleep. He came back the next morning and raped me. I was in and out of consciousness the whole time." She was standing by the wall her arms around herself. He got up and walked over to her going to hug her but she pulled away. "Please, don't touch me. I told you, I'm fine."
She went into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. She ran the shower again and got back under the water. She needed to get this feeling off of her. She felt so dirty and she hated it. She stayed in the fetal position until the water ran cold again. She got out and saw that Brian was still awake. "You could have gone back to sleep."
"Baby, please. Come back to bed, let me hold you."
Olivia let out a scoff. "Bri, I…" she shook her head and wiped her eyes. "You don't understand, Bri. I didn't want to tell you what happened to me because I didn't want to relive it again. I relive it enough."
"But now I know what happened so I know how to help you."
She shook her head. "Help me? Bri, I don't even know how to help myself right now. I don't know what's going on, and it scares me, and it's so hard to have to keep it together, and put on a brave face for everyone."
He got up and walked over to her. "Hey, look at me," he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. "You don't have to put on a brave face for anyone. Not for me, and I know that Calvin will understand too. You're always the one who is so strong for everyone else, why can't someone be strong for you?"
Olivia wiped her eyes. "I can't break down with Calvin. I won't be the kind of mother his mother was to him, the kind of mother mine was to me."
"Baby, you're human. You're not superwoman, it's okay to break down sometimes. You don't have to be a robot."
She fell into his chest, crying. "What's happening, Bri? I don't understand."
He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, gently rubbing her back. "It's okay, baby. I got you. I'm never letting you go."
"I just want to be better."
He kissed the top of her head and picked her up, carrying her to the bed. "I know; it's going to take time. You have to be patient with yourself."
"But I have so much going on, we have a son, Bri, how am I supposed to just tell myself that I need more time, that I need to be patient?"
"Because, you know that if you don't, you are never going to be better. No, you won't ever be the Olivia Benson you were before this happened to you. You know that deep down inside you. I know you know it, because I remember you telling Harper Anderson, fourteen years ago in her apartment. Do you remember, how you told her that we all change every day? That no matter what we're never the same? Baby, all you need to do is take your own advice."
She chuckled a bit. "Which I'm notoriously bad at." She wiped her eyes and looked at him. "You remember that, talking to Harper that day?"
He smiled and gently brushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. "I remember everything you've ever said in my presence. Baby, I love you. I've loved you since the day I laid eyes on you when I first walked into that squad room."
Olivia smiled and kissed him gently. "I love you, too, Bri. I always have. It just took me forever to realize it."
Brian smiled. "Trust me. I know."
They shared a chuckle and she looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry I went a little crazy earlier. I don't know what it was."
Brian kissed the back of her hand and smiled. "It's normal. You're healing."
She took a deep breath and rested her head on the pillow, still close to him. "I hate that. I hate that I need to heal."
"But you're going to make it through this, and you'll come out the other side so much stronger and even better than you were before."
She smiled and gently rubbed his chest. "You, Brian Cassidy, never cease to amaze me."
He smiled and kissed her softly. "I could say the same thing about you, Pancakes."
She smiled and cuddled up to him, and they both drifted off into a peaceful sleep. The next day, Olivia got up and got ready for her appointments. She saw Brian off to work and brought Calvin into school late before she started going around to her appointments, making sure to tell her counselor about the nightmare she had, and how she went a little manic the night before with Brian. They talked about it a little, and talked about a few different coping mechanisms for her to use the next time something like that happened.
Once she was finally done, she headed to the drug store and picked up a few boxes of pregnancy tests so she had them on hand. She picked Calvin up from school and they both went home. Brian came in a couple hours later and they both looked at her. "Okay, so are you pregnant or not?" Calvin asked, excitedly.
"I don't know, I haven't taken the test yet. I wanted to wait for everyone to be home. I'll go take it now." She smiled and kissed Brian gently, taking the bag of pregnancy tests into the bathroom she took one, she paced the bathroom waiting for the timer to go off. When it finally did, she looked at the test and gasped. "Bri…"
A/N: So, is she? Or... isn't she? You'll have to keep reading to find out! Please review, here or on Twitter UnbrokenBarista (Yes! I Changed my name... This is the first time that this has happened since I was a Junior in HS... I graduated in 2010...) I LOVE reviews!