DISCLAIMER: Definitely don't own the rights to any of the characters mentioned.

You don't remember there being this much space between you before. She hopped back a bit too quickly for your taste, and you almost feel offended, but you're too hung up on the fact that you don't know how to feel to actually feel. You could panic, beg her not to say anything, because it would ruin your reputation or something, but you wouldn't care, so what now? She wouldn't look at you, but your soul had just been bared and you were feeling the numbness again. You didn't hear her say anything as she walked out the door to the closet, and you can't say you would've been prepared if she had. It almost hurts. Almost, because it's a regular thing now for parts of you to sporadically be in pain.

You see her there in the halls, and you try not to show her that it sort of kills you not to be able to touch her. You're like an addict having withdrawals, because your hands shake, and you have trouble sleeping, and they call it a mind thing but now you're afraid you're crazy. But you're not, even though you know that you couldn't convince anyone else of that. You saw it coming though, you just didn't get to guard it because she's a lot to handle for you.

You tell yourself that's all because she has a reputation, and it kind of pisses you off because it hurts your feelings but your logic is that everyone doesn't need to know. It's almost this silent pack that you're constantly agreeing to when your eyes catch. It's almost as though she's daring you to say something, and you almost want to take said challenge because you know that it would end the pain. But you also thought you knew you had no chance with Tori, but certain incidents don't do much to kill the hope in your heart.

It's true, hope is the thing that kills you. You dare to hope that somewhere in all her smiles and laughs, a part of her is waiting to shoot one your way. That's the part that hurts the most and the part that makes you want to regret the fact that you refuse to regret the kiss in the first place. You know, but refuse to acknowledge that, the fact that you're dwelling on that hope is your very demise. It's the reason you're so quiet lately. All you ever do is think nowadays, and you've never really spent this much time in your brain, but it's rather nice there sometimes and you've been doing better in school, but that's not the point.

You want to find something in there that will express how you feel. You're holding a secret and you completely understand that riddle now.

What's too much for one, not enough for three, but just right for two?

A secret.

But Vega's not in the picture at the moment, and this is too much for you to handle alone right now. You're overwhelmed and you feel pathetic. You want out of your mind because it's annoying you, and again so are thoughts of Tori. It's so hard to think about her because you can't stop but you don't want to. She's toxic, the very thought of her is a drug, and she's the conductor of every train of thought you seem to follow. Its then you finally remember. You remember why you've denied her for so long. Or why you had anyway.

It hurt before too. It's been almost a year and a half, but you remember the pain that comes from overthinking things like Tori.

You were afraid of her. She's never intimidated you because you just have too much self-confidence to be intimidated, or so you thought, but that's the beauty of the subconscious. You literally locked her out before. She's too much to handle, too much to think about. You were trying to protect yourself from the pain, but you're so damn curious, you opened the Pandora's Box that is the mere thought of her once again. You brought fire, pain, feeling to your world again. It's not hard to settle into a numbness. You do it often in fact. But you had a lock on the box before, his name was Beck. You being alone was the key, is the key to the pain you feel. It's you being left alone with your thoughts.

It makes so much sense you find yourself at Cat's house one night just because she talks so much it literally sends you into a mind fuck if you let it, which you do tonight. Because if she wasn't here, you swear you'd be calling Vega. She has seriously singlehandedly kept this conversation going, but there's one thing you do register,

"Are you okay?"

It stops whatever you were previously thinking about because holy shit. This may be a way out for you. Maybe.

"I'm okay, why?"

Shit you're stupid. Should've said no.

"You seem different lately."

Obviously, Cat is not.

But that's a good thing, because no one else has pointed anything out, but since Cat did, maybe you need to work on hiding your emotions better.

"Different how?" You ask.

"Well, you're all quiet now. Even when Tori says something stupid, you never say anything anymore."

You look at her differently now, because you know it should've been someone else to point this out, but maybe you're not giving enough credit to Cat. Or you could just be overestimating your friends.

"Oh…well I thought that you guys didn't like it when we fought?" Because you remember them saying that when you and Beck were going at it, you remember all the times you'd broken up before Tori Vega was even a thought in your mind.

"We don't." She says. She's at her vanity playing with her hair and you're sprawled out on her bed. It's a sort of sparkling silence as you wait for her to speak again. Once she's satisfied with her fish tail, fish net, whatever the hell she calls it. "I know something's wrong when you're not fighting. You seem so… boring lately." And that makes you sit up, because she's right. When's the last time you went out with your friends? Your friends, not Tori's. Maybe that's why huh? You're being possessive. But of what exactly? Tori? Or your friends?

"When I was with Beck you guys couldn't stand it. Literally. You've fainted before."

"Yeah," She turned and put her hands on her hips. "But you guys were having relationship problems. You and Tori were just… Overly competitive. But at least you and Beck were talking." She turned around haut and you creased your brows as you tried to wrap your head around her words. What did everyone else see?

"She doesn't want to talk to me."

"Why come?" Cat stopped untwisting her braid to stare at you in the mirror. You looked down at her bed spread and eased your fingers through the loose threads.

"Because we're not even friends."

Cat hit her hand on the desk and you jumped because your visits to her house normally were much more distracting than today. It's horrible, the universe is working against you.

"Yes you are, I saw you hugging!" You gasp for air that's suddenly not available. Everything in you screams, hurt her, get rid of all witnesses, but you're retraining yourself because she's Cat, and you kind of need her.

But you can't breathe and you're grasping the sheets, wondering how to keep your cool. The universe must seriously hate you. Cat seems to see that she's upset you, because all of a sudden she opens a drawer and out comes a paper fucking bag, and what? You feel her slap you in the face with it, screaming "Breathe!"

You do, because this can't be happening. Not her seeing you and Tori embracing, but she just slapped you and you're steady trying to keep in mind that you need her, but if she spikes your pulse one more time you're not responsible for your actions.

You take a deep breath and get a firm grip on her hands, all the while glaring into her eyes. She seems unaffected and you want to keep it that way, so you push her hands down to her sides, a silent notion for her to keep them there. She stands in front of you and you once again sprawl out on her bed.

"What did you see?" You ask quietly. You watch as she fiddles with her hands, which reminds you of Tori… But because it's Cat and you asked her a question, you raise your eyebrow at her.

"I don't wanna tell you now, you're gonna stop breathing again." Her voice is small and you take her pouting form in. She looks so much like a child, but she is somehow in high school along with the rest of you. She sings beautifully, and she's a really good actor, but she thinks differently. Something you can say the both of you have in common is the fact that whenever you voice your thoughts, people stare at you funny. That's possibly why you're such good friends. She thinks about things in an odd sort of perspective, but maybe it's odd because you just aren't meant to understand. Maybe that's just a part of Cat Valentine that makes her so damn special. She sees things.

"I won't, I promise. Just tell me, please, Kitty." You use the one nickname that Andre hasn't so cleverly come up with, because you staked your claim on it very clearly. She visibly gulps but you can tell that she perks up at the name.

"I walked by the janitors closet and I saw you guys hugging. Friends hug." She looked down at you pointedly. Her eyes seemed to be pleading with you somehow. "You guys are friends." She deflated as she took a seat beside you, and you brushed a hand over your face in an attempt to calm your heart again. She saw you hugging. Had she popped by a bit earlier you're completely sure she would've caught you locking lips with Tori, and she would've saw that you liked it. But still, you were having a blank, because what would your next move be? Tori hasn't said anything at all to you since that day, you've barely seen her these past few days. It's hurting you, taking over you. You're not the girl that does this shit, but you're the girl that does this shit. You don't want to think but Tori won't talk to you, and you're sensitive, so what're you supposed to do but think?

The worst thing is, no matter how bad this seems to hurt, you can't run from your thoughts. Not even to a girl like Cat.

"Jade, what's wrong?" Cat was staring at you because you had gone quiet for quite some time. You really need to learn how to pay attention to where you are.

"I want to be friends with Tori, but I don't think she feels the same." Cat shook her head in confusion.

"But you were invited weren't you?" Cat asked. You scrunch your eyes closed as if to stop the tidal wave of memories that flood you. The party. The stairs. The closet. The kiss, and now nothing.

Fucking party.

"No, I don't think I was."

"Did Tori say that?" She was genuinely confused, which you thought was sweet of her because she obviously thinks too highly of Tori to imagine that girl not inviting you. You wouldn't even know what to do with yourself if you saw her, because you know that crashing the bash is totally in Jade-fashion, but its Tori.

The real Tori, not the one you see in your head and who says all the best things and makes you want the tangible, or maybe not tangible one even more. The one in your head is killing you though, and you can't imagine what the real one could do to you. Fuck you're out of it.

"She pretty much did. We're not friends." It hurts every time you say it, because you told her, you wanted that at least. Your head and your imagination aren't enough, not when the rea Tori is there every day reminding you of what you can't have. She's everywhere and you don't want her anywhere but with you. She hasn't said a word though, so if you made any moves all of a sudden, you could become the bad guy again. But maybe that's who you need to be. When you were making her feel like shit, you weren't hurting at all. You briefly wonder if anyone ever thought to close Pandora's Box?

Was that not possible? Or was there something the world needed tucked into there somewhere? Oh yeah, you remember they mentioned hope being at the very bottom. Hope. The thing keeping you from telling yourself to give up. That single thread that was connected to every nerve in your body, trying to escape, but stuck because you kept tugging it back in, because it's hope. But you've never seen hurt and hope put together so synonymously. You hate all the lines that have gone from black and white to gray, and you hate that you can never bring yourself to cut your ties to the hope and just end it all. But not your life, because you've got too much hope for the future. Hope. The cycle repeats. And the hurt never ceases.

Yep, fuck it all. You're closing the box. You want Tori, but maybe you need to not feel. You can't help but wish you had a working conscience, like that cricket shit out of Pinocchio, but maybe not cricket because your skin crawls without having a bug on it… Maybe a bell or something, you don't fucking know, a parting in the clouds that lets you know if what you were thinking was a bad decision, because you weren't sure, of anything at the moment really. Not of anything you weren't sure of 3 days ago.

Maybe you need to backtrack, you need a break.

"Well, maybe you can be my plus one?" Cat asked smiling. You opened your eyes, and smiled back, because she was the sweetest person you knew, however misguided her kindness can be sometimes. You almost want to nip your idea in the bud, but it sprouts too fast. Your reason for going would have nothing to do with Cat, but you know she means well, so it takes some pep out of your smile, and it makes you want to take some things that you've put thought into back so you can put some real thought into them.

Still, she's made you smile which is no small feat under current circumstance.

"I'd be delighted, Kitty. When is it?" She grins wide, and you warm at the sight. This is why you need her. She makes you feel happy, even when you don't want to.

"I'll ask Tori. I heard its tomorrow night." She whips out her phone. You stare up at the ceiling and take a deep breath. You wonder vaguely what could be in store for you and Tori. If there's a You & Tori in your future somewhere.

You wonder briefly if this is what other people feel like at parties. Out of place. Usually, you dance, you drink, you sleep depending on whose party it is, but you always have fun.

Here you are outside of Tori's house, your back against the door. You briefly allow yourself to remember why you came here, remember that if you go in there, you'll be doing something that could hurt someone you love. You know you've done worse, but all this time you weren't quite as sure of yourself, of what you wanted, let alone how to get it.

You kick the door in frustration because what the fuck are you doing? Why? You can't think, you don't want to think, but you've decided that being inebriated isn't good for your plan of action. Not just yet anyway. Cat went in some time ago, you promised you'd follow her after you took a minute for yourself, but you're the one that drove her here, you could just as easily give her to one of your other friends and drive home.

You flex your hand on the keys you slid into your bag.

Fuck, Jade. Don't be a pussy.

That's what you tell yourself right before you go inside. You can't really hear much over the music, and you can't see over the tops of the throng of kids from your school, so you push through, briefly wondering when exactly the party started as one guy is completely passed out on the couch. Looking closer you realize you know that guy, his name is Robbie, regardless of the fact that his forehead spells out… Well, you can't say you wouldn't have wrote the same, but your artistic skills are much more proficient. You spot Cat dancing in a little group of people and she looks up and waves at you before returning to her own little zone. Normally, you'd be right there with her, but she knows you're not feeling up to it right now, so she leaves you to your own devices.

It's funny because the only reason you keep staring at her is for her to keep you occupied, so you don't do what you're about to. Unfortunately, you're obviously in the wrong place for standing still, because as soon as you avert your eyes from your partying friend, a cool liquid runs down your back in a way that chills your bones but heats you in an odd sort of way. You're practically snarling when you turn around to see some shocked looking asshole who hasn't had enough time to get rid of the evidence as you eye the red cup in his hand. He starts to stammer, but you can't hear him over the music. You rip his cup from his hands and fix him with one last glare before making your way through these gyrating bodies around you. You're cold, but your shirts black so no stain, but you feel sticky and you're ready to punch something. Or someone. You wish you hadn't come.

You make your way to the patio where there's less people and less noise, and much less trouble to push through people. They know not to mess with you when you're in a mood. Doesn't stop you from steeling your face, if only to release some of your pent up frustrations.

In fact, that's what you've come to do. To ruin that last strand of hope you can't cut on your own. You need help, and you're now adamant that you carry out this plan you'll surely regret later.

But first you need to take a chill pill, so you sit down in a chair beside some girl you don't know and you lean your head back, eyes closed. You feel her eyes on you though, beneath the heavy pulse of the music. Sure enough as soon as your eyes open you see her staring at you, hard. You turn to face her completely and she sort of quirks her head at you. You let out a deep breath because you don't need this.

"You're Jade, yeah?" She asks. You roll your eyes but nod anyway. "No offense but were you invited? I mean, Tori said-" You cut her off sharply.

"I'm here, are you going to make me leave?" You're challenging her. Why the hell should she care that you're here? It's not like you're causing any trouble yet.

"Uh…" She wasn't going to say anything special so you stood up and went back inside. You needed peace of mind, but you had to find it first. You spotted Andre by the fridge coming out of the basement. You waved him over and he took his time coming my way. He smiled at you, but it dropped when he saw you weren't in a good mood. His eyebrows creased.

"What's up, you good?" He asked. You let out a shaky breath and he looked at you expectantly. You bite your lip before asking,

"Have you seen, Beck?" You looked away as his eyes widened. You and Beck haven't been together for almost 3 months, so it's not surprising that he's reacting this way. You grimace as you think of all the things running through his head as he looks at you. He finally picks up his jaw and straightens up and that's when you look into his eyes again. You expected him to tease you, poke fun at you. But his eyes aren't sparkling like they should be. There's no grin on his face. You prepare yourself for the worst as you feel your stomach clench at his next words.

"He's with Tori…" Andre sighs sadly and his gaze drops to the ground guiltily. "They went to her room." Your breath catches in your throat. He sees you're about to fall apart or maybe you look extra pissed because all of a sudden his hands are on your waist to steady you and you find yourself flinching at the feel of his hands, the wrong hands. You can't do this shit here, but you're hurting and you can't figure out why. You don't know. You never know.

But you're sure it's plain to see that these are angry tears. Not the sad kind. You spasm violently in his grip. He uses one hand to pull you slightly closer and you hate that you let him hold you, but you're in no state to be refusing him. At least it's him, when it could've very well been someone else at this point. You feel the tears stream and you embrace them, because yay for waterproof mascara, and it's a part of you being released, some of your hurt, your anger is gone with each tear. You allow your head to slump onto his shoulder and you breathe. You just… breathe.

For a moment, there's only him. One of your best friends, holding you, because even though he doesn't know, he fucking gets it. You come to a few realizations.

One, you could be considered a hypocrite.

Tori was probably with Beck the way you were planning to be tonight.

Two, it's not good to make others hurt.

But maybe you're allowed some leeway now, because you can say you've been through some things. You've hurt too. And it was of your own accord, so yeah, you do know how harsh you can be.

Three, maybe you need something else.

Not a person, because as strong as Andre can be, you wouldn't want to accidently break him if you ever were to decide to use him to forget. You couldn't be responsible for that, you'd be too guilt ridden. He's too good for that.

You're still in his arms, but he's swaying you to a slow song. Once upon a time, you know he liked you. But because you're not good at giving rejections to those close to you, you tried to ignore it. He never had to come clean, you could always tell. He got over it eventually. You were with Beck at the time, and you were sure that he felt bad enough about it without you trying to fend him off with a stick. So you became closer to him, but you drew a line, and he knew not to cross it. He's too good to be broken, so you have to keep him behind that line.

Not to say that you turn everything you touch into shit, no. But you inadvertently do so in your attempts to turn what you already have into gold. So when you've had enough of the tears, you tap on his chest to let him know you're ready to be seen again. He keeps his hold on you but gives you room to move away. He stares you in the face for a moment and you let him, because maybe you really do want someone to know. You let him see, because you can always say you didn't tell him if you didn't tell him.

As you share the moment, you catch sight of Trina Vega coming down the stairs. He follows your gaze to the stairs and looks back at you with a warning look. He leans in close to you.

"Please, don't do anything too bad, Jade." He pulls back and you nod to let him know you understood. He crosses the kitchen and comes back to you with a paper towel. You dry your face and he gives you a thumbs up when you look somewhat alright. You flow easily through the crowd this time and you choose not to admit it's because after that little breakdown, you feel like you're not here. But you're dazed at this point. You're not sure what you're looking for right now, but you find yourself leaning against the wall opposite Tori's door as you stare straight. You wonder if she cares, or if she even knows how her silence hurts more than her words. There's too much guess work for silence to set you at ease.

As if noticing your presence, the door opens and you straighten up. Out walks Beck, drawing his hand through his hair. He recoils slightly as he notices you. You don't say anything, and neither does he, he just looks at you as though you came to him. And maybe you did, but he wasn't on your mind when you trudged up those stairs. Neither was Tori, though.

He shut the door behind him and gave you a small smile. He leaned against it, but when you still didn't speak, his face fell, similar to Andre's reaction to you earlier. He came closer and put a hand on your shoulder.

He probably did the same to Tori.

He waited a minute to study your expression, and his eyes shot towards your lips in silent question that you had no will to answer. You kept your gaze on his eyes, and by now he could be thinking that you're high on something, but you don't give a damn. But as he closes his eyes and goes in for the kill, you start to think again.

This is why you came.

But you can't recall it ever being what you wanted.

When his lips touch yours you can't breathe, and not in a good way. You stop, and your eyes clench, but you bring yourself to respond. You feel his hand go to cup your cheek, and that's what makes you break again. You can fall so easily into this because your body remembers him just as much as your brain does, but your heart refuses to be in it. You hold in a shudder as the back of your eyes start to sting. You try to focus on the rest of him rather than his lips.

You remember when you were dating how you made him shave often, because his beard would scratch you rather unpleasantly compared to what you'd heard. Since you'd broken up though, he'd taken full liberty of his man hood. He looked good with the stubble, sure, it was rather sexy from an objective point of view. But up close it was like a cat's tongue. Flattering, but very unpleasant.

But you reach your hand up to feel it, and it prickles against your palm. He's focused and you can tell he's completely unaware you're staring down at him, that you're having an inner battle with yourself. You want him to stop, but you can't fight the thought that you need him to keep going to reach that detachment you once had. But back then, you loved him with some reasonably large part of your being. And he loved you back. He allowed you to let your body remember his. But he's so wrong.

His hands are gripping you too tightly. You're pretty sure you're going to acquire a rash from his sand paper face. His tongue is trying to explore your throat, which isn't smart because you already can't breathe. But you know, as soon as you gasp, he'll make another move, he'll see something besides the actual need for air, rather than for more attention. So you gasp. For his sake. But then you feel something. He just nipped your lip, and that's a warning right there, because you know that he's always hated your liking of certain fetishes, certain types of pain. That's a reason to take a step back.

So you turn your head and his tongue rips from your mouth. As you gasp, you push him away enough for him to take a hint and back the hell off. He's looking at you with uncertainty.

You take a few minutes to inhale and exhale him from your skin, and he waits patiently. Once you're fit, you finally turn your head back to him. He gives you a testing smile. You let out one last shaky breath before you look in his eyes.

"You like her, don't you?" You ask. Regardless of the music, you know he heard you. He loses his smile, and you take a sick sort of satisfaction in it. His eyes give him away. "She turned you down." You take a step closer to him. He avoids your eyes and you can see his irritation growing. You're pissed, but as you've said before, you're a bit of a hypocrite. "You were going to use me?" You don't let the anger seep through your words as you usually do.

"I wasn't going to use you." He won't look you in the eyes though, but you've spent too long hurting for him to be able to lie through his teeth right now.

"Please, don't bullshit me. You were going to use me." He opens his mouth, but you raise your hands. "It's okay, I just don't want you to lie to me about it." He looks at you with surprise and confusion.

"Why are you okay with that?" He asks. You shrug.

"I was gonna do the same." He's shocked at your confession,

"You wanna get back together?" He asks. You look into his eyes. You could fall into him so easily, but you can't because you've already hurt her feelings, and despite how much pain she seems to bring you, you're not able to find it in your heart to return that.

But you may have, accidently.

Because it probably seems much worse than it is as she steps out just in time to hear him say that. She doesn't even really step out, but she stands in the door way, and she catches your eyes. They take you in and flicker to Beck before settling on your lips. You can't help the hand that flies up to cover them, and that's when she shuts the door again. You see that he hadn't noticed, so you let one tear fall as you look him in the eyes.

"Yes."

Then his lips are on yours and your body rejects him so violently you shake in his arms. But you push through, and your heart is screaming, so you force yourself to see her face behind your closed lids. You feel him, and you see her. You try, you're slowly cutting through the hope as her face plays across your brain. It seems sort of ominously right for her to be the one thing on your mind as you try to forget her. So you put your foot in this kiss. You let his hands grip your waist, and you drag your hands through his hair.

You're reminded of her hair. How you want to touch it, so bad.

You kiss him harder. You remember you liked his hair first.

You remember how soft her lips were against yours. The way you seemed to meld together in that moment in the supply closet.

You bring a hand down to trace his collar bone over his shirt, and you remember the mark you'd left there one day in that very closet.

You remember how your stomach drops whenever she touches you. Whenever she touches you.

Tears make you gasp, because every memory brings you down, but you've been through this sort of detox before. You remember opening Pandora's Box. You're determined to close it.

So you reach behind you and push his hand up the back of your shirt. He gives your body all the right signals, you can't deny, but it's nothing right about it. You know you're using each other. Maybe you don't care right now.

But you see her too clearly even though your eyes are closed, you shouldn't be able to see a damn thing. Your heart ties too heavily to your brain, and neither will listen because fuck. She's everywhere and you're overwhelmed with her and you hate yourself right now.

Because, you still fucking want her.

And she still knows. And she still hasn't said a fucking word to you, and you're sobbing, but the kiss doesn't stop. So you do it.

You cut the thread that is hope.

No more feelings. You just need this. A crutch. Your crutch. You need Beck, and he probably thinks that you truly need him, when you don't even want him.

It's the last thing you think before your shut off and just flow back into the black hole that is your relationship.

You want her.

A/N: So, I obviously decided to do something with this here story! I hope you liked it, I spent a lot of time procrastinating with it. I know I use the words "pain" and "hurt" a lot. I just wanted to put a lot of emphasis on it that way you'd see she felt like she was at the end of her rope. I started crying when she was at the party and stuff, even though I wrote it. I'm not sure why, but I did, so I felt comfortable enough then to post. I'll be updating again soon, hopefully, but a lots going on lately… Still, stay tuned, I guess?

Mai-Tt :):