A/N: Really hope you like this chapter, it took a lot.
Disclaimer: I totally don't own any of the characters mentioned
You wake up and you can't move. You literally can't move, not like you want to stay here, but something is keeping you here, holding you down.
You feel your heart start to race because you feel constricted, which is something you hate. You need room to hold yourself together. One might get this confused with claustrophobia, you always set them straight. You get a whiff of cinnamon though, and you feel that same prickle that was on your skin last night. Beck. You relax, but you still can't move and that pisses you off. He's sprawled on top of you, and he's cuddling into you and this is why you always made him shave. You try to move your head and you hit a wall, which confuses you.
Did you really fall asleep in a fucking hallway?
You sigh, because, yes. Yes the fuck you did.
You can remember the first time you fell asleep in a hallway after a party. You more so passed out then though, because you can be quite the lightweight of the party. Something that's remained the same since then is that you feel like shit, regardless of not having a headache. You've got heartache. Actually…
Yeah, no you have both this morning.
You groan and slither from beneath the sleeping boy. You heave with the effort though because he is such a dead weight. You find yourself staring at Tori's door, like it's the truth to some big strange mystery. But there's no mystery to solve, and this isn't the time for asking questions anymore. You've done things you shouldn't and you hate that now is when you feel the most regret. You're slow when it comes to foresight, these things never turn out good with you.
You stand and shudder lightly as everything from last night comes back at full force. Not like you thought you could get out of it though, you're a magnet that pain constantly clings to, along with feelings to intensify it. You feel a lump forming in your throat and you bite your lip to keep from letting it out. You kissed him.
Why? Last night, the question was why not. Questions do nothing but get you into trouble, you never have the right answers. You bring a hand to your throat and wince. He was definitely feeling out of it last night, as you're sure he left a few marks on your skin. He always does. That's one of the best things, or maybe the worst about Beck. Whether it's visible or not, he marks you in a way that you know what happened. He leaves a fragrance, he makes it so you remember him, and he moves his lips in a way that makes you really believe when he says "I love you." He's going to be a great actor someday, you can't deny. But you're not going to be practice material. You want real love, and you're not sure Tori will be the one that you get it from, but you know it's something you want. You rub your hand over a painful spot right on your collarbone.
It brings back memories. But you don't want it to. You don't want to smile for him, because he used you, and he let you use him. You're both pathetic, and you can't even believe yourself. Tori means so much to you, somehow. You can't explain it, but your heart races for her, and only her. You step over Beck and into the bathroom locking the door behind you. You take a deep breath before stepping into the view of the mirror. You gasp, because what he did wasn't right. What you did wasn't right. And this? This atrocious monstrosity that stains your skin like remains of a burn, it's so fucking wrong. It's hurting your eyes to look at it, it's every bit of shame you feel for your feelings, every bit of guilt you feel for how you've treated Tori, it's a visual, you can see yourself in the mark. You're not his, and he knows that, so why do this to you?
Maybe a part of him is sad inside. You honestly wouldn't know at this point, he's never been one to show his emotions, he's here for acting though, it's to be expected. You're the same in a way though, so maybe it's safe to assume that at the least he could be. Tori did reject him, meaning he likes her, and it's funny. You have the same taste in girls, or maybe not, considering he chose you first, and you're not a damn thing like Tori. But you've definitely got a type though. Brunettes with tan skin, they obviously get to you in a way that most don't. Still, regardless of what you felt for him before, you're absolutely appalled that he had the audacity to take his anger out on your neck. You're upset in general really, because what the fuck are you supposed to do with this? You don't want Tori to see it, but you wouldn't want anyone else seeing it either, because people talk. You honestly don't want Beck, all you want is the past back. You want to be sure of yourself again. You want Tori.
You're selfish, you know. You don't always like it, but it's not something you've ever been able to change. You just want what you can't have, because you surely could get just about everything else. Still, you don't think it's polite to go staking your claim on people, but if you imagine yourself hovering over a submissive (or not) Tori…well, you can see where the appeal comes from. You gaze into your eyes and notice that your mascara still doesn't look good, there're soft streaks of faded black stuck to your skin, making your face tight. You sigh shakily and you find yourself ruffling through the cabinets for any makeup removers. As much as Trina lays on, it's not that hard. You find a small pack of wipes and take one out, slowly rubbing the marks. As it starts to disappear you find yourself staring at the bite on your flesh. Your hand clenches around a wipe and you can't control it after that.
You scrub at it furiously and it hurts, but it's like it's something you need to do. If you can get this hickey off of you, you can do anything, all your problems are solved. You can get a clean slate, and when you think of it like that, it seems like your prize is so, so close. You whimper and you think your just one rub away from drawing blood, and you're faint for that kind of thing when you know it's not fake. So you stop, and you think you're going to eventually need a few more wipes because you're crying now. You feel dirty, and you just want to sleep, but it's not the cleanest bathroom, you're sure, regardless of its looks. You sit down on the toilet seat, lid closed, because you don't have to go. Your head settles into your hands, and you wonder if you could just leave without anyone noticing. Sure, Cat's downstairs, but Beck has a car, and so does Andre, and maybe Robbie, you're not really sure right now. Anyone would gladly take her home, but you can at least admit, if only to yourself, you're not fit to drive on your own. You could "accidently" swerve off the road, or something.
You just wish that something would play in your favor, you wish you had a map, a rule book, a tour guide, anything to keep you going in the right direction, or to veer you off course to a place where you're no longer in danger. But you don't because you're too prideful to admit when you need a friend, but not too embarrassed to fake like you don't when everyone knows you're faking. You're complicated, and life is complicated, and you absolutely hate crying. It's disgusting, and you're a quieted ugly crier. You cry harder as you remember the time when Tori saw you crying. You were so embarrassed after that, you were so sure that she would use it against you, but that's Tori for you. Even when all you want for her to do is hurt you, act normal, retaliate, all does is kill you with kindness. She just smiles at you and you and you feel like time stands still. Like she's all for you, like she's completely invested in you, and it's horrible because she is. She's trusting, and she's caring, and she's just below Cat on the list of nicest people you know because she's at least rational, while Cat's unrestrained. Tori is pure in a way that her emotions come at you raw, when she cries, she cries for the whole damn world. She cries because she's not afraid to, and you couldn't even hope to compete with that. Not that you could ever want to, she's worth just standing next to. She's not innocent, she's seen things, she's been hurt before, and that's what makes it so hard to deal with the fact that you've hurt her.
The fact that she's felt that pain already, it's enough to make you hate yourself for ever feeding into it. She's so much that you just…want. You're selfish, because you're toxic, you weren't kidding when you said the things you try to change turn to shit. It's like you're solving a Rubiks Cube. But a lot of the time nowadays, you don't even know why you try, but you have this absolutely insane idea that, somehow, when you have her, everything will be okay. She's not just some antidote for the troubles in your life though, it'd be an honor for you to have her in your arms.
You can't believe yourself. You suddenly just can't find it in you to cry any longer. You want her, it's plain and simple. Somehow, it's not lust for her though. You want here in the purest way, but it's so raw, so unadulterated that it pains you. You sigh and then there's a knocking on the door.
"Hey!" Cat's little voice rings through. "Look, I really gotta go, and Trina's in the bathroom downstairs, can I please come in? You don't even have to leave if you want!" Cat's banging is incessant, but you hesitate because she can't see you like this, can she? Sure she's your best friend, but like you said you're an ugly crier. You hastily wipe at your face and yell out just a minute. You can't do anything about the congestion you now feel, but you try to quickly open the door and move for Cat but she grabs you. She looks utterly confused as her eyes scan your face, and then she brings a hand up to your neck. She's looking at you funny, in a sort of glaring way, but on Cat you're sure it's more disappointment, though you're not sure why.
"What's wrong? And what the heck happened to you neck?" You wince when her hand drags across it and she pulls back and drags you into the bathroom with her. You look around to make sure no one's up just yet and lock the door. You return to your seat on the toilet and she stands in front of you, hands on her hips. You avoid her gaze for fear you'll start to cry again.
"I'm just upset. And Beck and I…" You bite your lip. She gasps.
"You guys…You did stuff? In Tori's house? Jade!" She's got shock on her face and you would laugh if you weren't still having a breakdown.
"Cat we didn't have sex in her house." She cringes slightly at the word making you laugh lightly. "We just… made out a lot." And with that you can feel that mark still on your neck, and all of a sudden you want to hurt him, because he did this to make himself feel better, give him some control. But you won't allow that because one, he's not even into you. Two, you're nobody's property. You want him to know that, but Cat is kneeling in front of you all of a sudden and your head is on her shoulder and yet you can see yourself, feel yourself moving, telling Beck off in front of stragglers from last night. But Cat gets it, and she's rubbing your back with small circles while your teeth grind together.
"Sh…Jade, it's okay, alright? Please don't cry. You don't even have to tell me if you don't want to." You shake her off, but it a gentle way because while you're Hysterical, she is still Cat. So you find yourself pulling back and looking her in the eyes. She's looking at you like she looks at the Red Cross commercials with the dying… everything. Like she wants to adopt you, or send you 2 dollars a day. You can't stand her pity, but the little girl inside of you wants her sympathy.
You find yourself telling her, how you feel about Tori, about Beck. About the night before, and about the past few months. You tell her why you couldn't tell her or anyone else, and you tell her about the kiss, and whatever else you could think of. You tell her you're not gay. No, you're just head over heels for Tori Vega, for some reason you can't seem to place. She accepts that, and when you're done, she smiles at you. When you stop sobbing enough to ask why, she giggles.
"I knew you loved Tori." And it's a weird feeling that flows through you, because love is a very, very strong word, and you told yourself that what you're feeling isn't it. It's want, totally just want. But that won't explain why you never just put her in a situation you could get your rocks of and get the hell out. It leaves room for wondering, and you feel so spent, it seems. You give Cat a hug and she pulls you up and lets you rest on her shoulder. It's comforting, because you and her, you guys don't make sense, but she's the one thing in your life that you can always feel, that safety net that's never loosened, and never showed a sign of letting you fall too far. And there's Cat. If ever you were to truly get rid of hope, she's reassurance. And that's why she must stay, why you'd never purposely hurt her, because she's a big part of you. Though it's not like you don't offer to be the one who, when no one else does, says to her, I know what you mean, Kitty. Because the rest of them are all stuck in this world.
And if you're thinking of it like that, you must be stuck somewhere in between, because you're Prometheus, and you're Pandora, but you're also Jade, and what some would call a scary gal.
You wonder where Tori honestly fits in. She's otherworldly, but at the same time, she's here, struggling to hold onto dreams of being a star in a whacky school. You let Cat lead you to the sink and she frowns slightly when you growl at your reflection. Yeah, you're fairly certain the time for tearing up is over. She dips from your shoulder and moves her hands to pull your hair back making the hickey much more visible. You frown at it, just as she does. Her hand settles on your shoulder and her hand taps on it lazily as she catches your eyes in the mirror. She smiles at you hopefully.
"I have my makeup bag with me at all times Jade, and I can totally make you look your normal hotness. You feeling up for a little makeover?" She's grinning, because you're grinning, and then she's outside with your keys to grab her bag. You wait for her to come back and you smile at yourself in the mirror, just to see what it looks like, because honestly, you don't naturally smile for pictures. You've scowled, growled, and smirked, but never a genuine smile. Not to say that what you're seeing is that, but it's what you'd assume a real one would look like. It's not long before Cat has you sitting on the toilet once again, and sometimes your eyes are open, sometimes closed. At one point she gives you eye drops saying "You look insane Jade, it's hilarious." And you laugh with her, cause she's awesome, and she's made you look… hot. You look totally gorgeous and that makes you smile in a happy sort of way. She latches onto your arms and showers you with whispered compliments and you almost promise to make her pancakes if Tori has some, but then you realize, yeah, Tori probably has pancakes, so you decide in the end a thank you is good enough.
You notice another voice as you both creep down the stairs. You stop her and you slip to the landing and your eyes widen as they see a very upset looking Tori talking to a sympathetic looking Andre. Upset isn't the word, because Tori looks quite pissed, and you're not sure at who, so you hurry up to where Cat is still standing looking kind of frightened like you told her there was a robber in the house. She gasps a little when you lay a hand on her shoulder. You smile and say it's okay.
"Remember how we were talking about Tori?" She nods and gets a sly grin on her face that makes you want to blush. "She's downstairs and she looks upset, maybe you can go make her feel better and I'll come back down in a bit, yes?" She narrows her eyes but nods and you give her a little push for her to go. You let out a sigh and you walk back up but not before you hear Andre saying,
"Hey, what's good, Red!" It kind of pisses you off, like it always has.
You shake that feeling off before you're pulled into Tori's room and you do smell cinnamon, but right now you're seeing red, because fuck, he can't comprehend just how pissed off you are at him. He lets you go with a puff of air leaving his lungs because you won't deny elbowing him in the gut, but that's the nicest thing you can think to do and the only one that wouldn't get you time in a detention center. He looks at you confused.
"Why'd you do that?" He huffs. You scowl and take a step back towards the door and away from him. The very sight of him in Tori's room makes you imagine yourself bludgeoning him with the very first thing your eyes settle on. You roll your eyes because of course the very first thing you see is Tori's cuddle buddy toy thing. Her name is something with a C but you couldn't care less, you just want to hit Him. Hard. He takes a step back when he stares into your eyes for a second too long and then he's scouring your face, and you see shock register when his gaze drops to your neck, probably where he thought his little friend might be. Oh. It's all you can think, but not all you can think to say.
"You sneaky son of a bitch." He raises his hands in front of him and shrugs.
"What, I didn't do anything, babe." You grind your teeth. Deep breaths aren't helping, you seriously want to hurt this boy, because obviously he needs a little bit of a reminder, no one fucks with you.
"First of all, Beck? Whatever the hell you think we are right now, I will tell you now, we're aren't anything. You're not my boyfriend, my kissing partner, I don't want to fuck you or anything like that." He scrunches his eyebrows and goes to speak.
"But what about last night." You know yourself well, and you take a sick sort of satisfaction in his words, because you want him to hurt. You've got this conscience on your shoulder, and the most it's been able to do is keep you from seriously grabbing that fucking doll, but your words are sharper than your scissors.
"Beck don't ask me about last night unless you plan to tell the truth. You were in Tori's room last night. What the hell did you do?" Your voice has gotten terribly low, and he was your boyfriend, he knows you're furious. He stammers and you see him visibly gulp. "Beck." You say his name. He stops and nods.
"I went in with Tori and we talked. I thought we were getting somewhere, and I kissed her." Your nostrils flare. "Well, I tried anyway. She pushed me away, told me to leave. And then there was you." He looks into your eyes for some reaction, but you're not feeling very nice right now so your gaze stays level with his. Satisfaction is not something you're trying to give right now, you aren't trying to please him.
"And then you kissed me." Your words seep through clenched teeth, because you've not yet gotten to the worst part.
"But you didn't push me away." He states, a cocky smile threatening to ease across his features. You're quick, you're like a fucking ninja, and you wipe it off very quickly. You push his buttons, because you know if he'd have smiled at you, you might've just ripped them off.
"Oh, but I did Beck, baby, I really did." He stares at you in confusion. He obviously had a drink or two, because it makes no sense for you to be the only one that remembers that little tidbit of conversation that followed his little kiss. "I pushed you away, and I called you out. I called myself out too. We are not getting back together. You were pissed, I was using you. You used me. Don't get this confused, because the only reason I let you kiss me? Was because I was feeling lonely. You were angry, probably at Tori. But did you really think we would get together after you came after me second? Like, oh, Tori's not into me, better go and make out with my ex!" You've somehow gotten in his face and he's cowering, and you're sure it's because he does remember what happened after that.
"Well, okay, now what?" He asks, you can tell he's trying to find ground to stand on, but you refuse to let him because again, he knew what he was doing. He's not getting slack from you. You point at the spot on your neck where the mark still is, but is now invisible thanks to your wondrous best friend.
"You probably are wondering where that went, I'm certain you took some time to make it so fucking noticeable. You can thank make up, you ass." His hand goes up to your neck and he thumbs your skin roughly as to rub it off, but it's not regular make up, because it's Cat. Still you find yourself sticking a finger into his chest, and he recoils. You nails are pretty sharp, yes.
"Ow, Jade!" He says as though you should feel bad for anything but letting him do it.
"Fuck you, don't touch me. You don't have a right, you got it? We're not a thing, we will never, ever be a thing. So back the hell off, Beck." You feel you neck and it's painful to touch because it's been rubbed raw by you already and Cat put make up on it, and then he wants to go manhandling you, make you his. You'll be damned, or he will because if he tries anything else, you're just going to assume he has a death wish. You feel his gaze on you as you leave Tori's room and you leave the door open, because he should not be in there alone, or at all, but you're not in the mood to be his babysitter or something. You feel heat on your face and there's still this rage in you. You tell yourself you're not angry and the truth is you are, at just about everyone, except for Cat. The only thing you can do is take deep breaths and if you're completely honest, go back to Tori's room. Beck isn't there anymore and you shouldn't be either but the thought of her calms you. You remember different things about her, the way she smiles when she's just found something new to tamper with, usually it's someone's love life, but you won't judge.
Sometimes you think about her like you are now, admiring the visions of her you can see behind your closed eyes. You see so much, and you notice these things about her. It pisses you off sometimes because everyone always thought you didn't care for the world, even went so far as to tell you that. Truth is, you just don't feel like dealing with the rest of the world all the time. But Tori… she makes you feel, and if you're already in a great mood and she comes around, she makes you feel sympathy for the world. Her being so in touch with the world (and her feelings) has probably rubbed off on you. You don't mind though, because sometimes you can see the appeal. Sometimes you need to feel pain to someday know happiness.
Right?
You look around her room and you find yourself face to face with a shelf of so many more picture than you could ever have though that you took with the gang. There's ones from your yearbooks, and there are even some from The Slap she must've printed out. There are some from the beach, concerts, and the stage fighting days with her in her wig. She even managed to get pics of detention, which makes you kind of smile. It was quite a day. But you feel annoyed again when you remember how you were still with Beck. You know that your memories of him when you were together won't ever truly be tainted, but whatever friendship you have with him now has definitely got some work to be done. You let out a laugh at the Diddly Bops photo of you, Cat, and Tori. It makes you feel better even though you're scowling in it. Your eyes land on the rest of the pictures though, and you think that Tori's pretty damn cool to have found this many pictures where you seemed to be having fun. Your eyes settle on the ones taken backstage of your play that Wok Star helped you produce before shutting down. One of them has Cat's bra hanging from the toilet as she stares into the bowl sadly. Another is of you and Tori huddled just behind the curtains, watching the play and your father's reaction. Must have been taken by one of the crew people.
You wonder if she ever knew before you made it so obvious that you liked her. You knew Beck liked you way before he asked you out, and Andre never had to tell you anything, and he still doesn't know you figured it out. Maybe Tori truly knew that you felt something for her, whether it be good or bad, it was something you didn't show with the rest of your friends. Maybe you've been obvious, because it's still true that Cat saw something change within you before anyone else did, or before they said anything about it. You let out a breath and you look around once more before making your way downstairs. It amuses you when you see Cat and Tori playing that knock off Wii thing that Tori's mom brought. Robbie and Andre are cheering in the background, and you smile, because Cat's awesome and you should think about telling her sometime. She turns to see you coming down and smiles making her lose. Her head whips back at the screen when she hears Tori celebrating her win and she pouts for a split second before her face perks up again and she smiles.
"Oops,I lost! Robbie, it's your turn, avenge me!" She yells in a scratchy pirate voice. He smiles and bows as she hands him her controller, or tennis racket. You slowly descend on the stairs and find yourself sinking into the couch beside Andre. He looks over your face and he smiles at you when he sees no tears you assume. He gives you a fist bump of greeting. Cat takes a seat on the other side of you. She leans in close and looks up at you her eyes darting around before settling on Tori purposefully. You raise your brow. She giggles and leans up to whisper in your ear.
"Hah, you like the view, Jadey?" She pulls back with a laugh and you mock glare at her as a blush travels up your body and down again. You can't say you deny it though, because you surely don't condone lying. Her face turns slightly more serious though her smile stays. "Hey, can I ask you a question?" You nod as your face cools. "Well, what do you see when you look at her?" She still whispering, and you're hoping Andre doesn't hear because his ear is trained to listen to what doesn't want to be heard, and besides Robbie, he's the worst at keeping secrets. Robbie beat him out for the spot because he's fragile and you can threaten the truth out of him, while Andre is quite the aggressor in those situations. Still you find yourself admiring Tori in a quick way so it's only noticeable to yourself and Cat.
"She kind of… She kind of glows, doesn't she?" You bite your lip when you ask, but Cat just smiles and nods like you just kicked the training wheels off of your baby bike because you don't need them, that kind of proud parent look you can only imagine. She makes you happy to have a best friend, because you've never felt as free as you did when you finally said it all aloud to her in the bathroom. She nods at you, meaning you should continue. You're reluctant to do so, mostly because you've never had to say these things out loud.
"Um… Well, when I say she glows, I mean I see it all the time. And when I see it, a million other things jump into my head, ya know? Like when I look at her and I think glow, I think of that look on her face after she performed the bird scene, and I think of her smile. I think of the last time she smiled at me, which was when we did that play of Sikowitz's. At the end of the show when we took off, I remember she was laughing as we ran. She really lights up the room, don't you think?" You realize you're smiling and you can feel it's a genuine smile because you can feel Cat shaking beside you as she giggles quietly, which makes you giggle and blush as well. You hear Robbie groan with effort as Tori has had much more practice and your breath catches in your throat at the sight of her 'serving' the ball. Her back is arching perfectly and she's giving off this… this heat. And then you're losing concentration as the thoughts flowing through your head travel to places thoughts shouldn't translate to. You have to take a deep breath to control the overwhelming urge to touch her. You fight the urge to bite your lip though, because that would be inappropriate. Cat's still giggling and she squeaks in your ear,
"Jade, you are too cute!" And she's trying to catch her breath which makes you both laugh more and Andre is staring at you guys with a smile but his gaze makes you both try and stifle your laughter. It's at some point that he chuckles and turns his head away from you two that you find yourself thinking, someone should take a picture. Because you're actually smiling, and Tori is sweating. And that's kind of hot, that's the truth.
Still, it's also because you knew this moment would be short lasting what with Tori not noticing you until she spun around in her victory dance. You smile but it fades right when her gaze lands on you and she sort of blushes. Cat's giggles have died out as well. Now Andre has his attention on the two of you. You stare her in the eyes and watch her chest rise and fall as she struggles to get her breathing back to normal.
"Hey." It's the first word she's said to you in what's felt like forever, and from the way Andre smiles to your right, your face must've lit up.
"Hey. Congrats." You nod towards the screen that's flashing her victory. She smiles and moves to sit beside Andre. He hands her a bottle of water and a towel as though she really won a tournament and the absurdity of it all makes you laugh, which makes Cat giggle and you both can't stop when they start to look at you funny. It takes you both at least five minutes before your case of snickering is over with. It's not like it's all that funny, you're just feeling bubbly, and right now, you and Cat are on the same wavelength. Tori is smiling at the both of you though and that makes you blush slightly. Robbie sits on the floor and puts in some other game that he and Andre can play. He mutters something about tennis being for girls which makes Cat and Tori jump on him. Eventually though, they're shooting aliens and Cat is braiding Andre's hair. Tori comes over and sits closer to you. You gulp and your breathing becomes shallow even though she can't tell.
She sighs after a minute of her staring at you with you ignoring her. Her voice gets you to stop picking at your nails.
"Jade, we should probably talk, don't you think?" And you might have been stubborn, you might've said no, there's nothing to talk about, but you didn't. She was still sweating, and it was still hot, and heat was coming off of her, and wow you could melt if she wasn't so close. So you nod and stand with her. She leads you outside to the patio, but she doesn't speak, so you do. Well, you were actually pretty close to yelling.
"You have a fucking hot tub, Vega? Why didn't you tell someone?" You ask. She chuckles slightly.
"I thought everyone knew by now, but that's not what I want to talk about." She says. You turn from the fenced in tub and see her sitting down backward in a chair facing you. You do the across from her and nod your head for her to continue. "So… um, I don't know what to say, Jade. After that day, after that kiss, I was feeling… out of it might be the best word." You twist your head at her words. "I was thinking weird things, about you, about me. It was really confusing, but I'm pretty sure you said that you like me?" She looks up at you and you nod with a blush. She nods too. "Right." She fiddles with her hands and stutters out a breath.
"Well, how do you feel about that, Vega?" You finally muster up the courage to ask her what's been on your mind the entire week. She bites her lip and she won't look you in the eye.
"I think that I might feel the same, or something. But I don't want this to be some kind of joke, and right now, I can't tell if it is or not. What happened between you and Beck last night?" You lick your lips and take a few extra deep breaths just because you want to stay calm when you think about Beck.
"He-" You correct yourself, "We kissed. But I don't like him, not at all."
"So why would you kiss him?" She's genuinely confused, and you want to hold her, but the look she's giving you is telling you she's not really yours to hold right now.
"I was feeling sad, lonely. I wasn't thinking straight, and I thought that having him kiss me would make me feel better. It did the exact opposite, because I woke up feeling like shit."
"Well, are you sure? Because you kissed me, he tried to kiss me, what the hell are you two trying to pull?" She asks. You shake your head furiously.
"Nothing, I swear, he doesn't know I…" You see something flicker in her eyes as you stumble for the words. "He doesn't know how I feel about you. And I had no idea that Beck had a thing for you until last night."
"I don't know if this…" She gestures between the two of you. "I don't know if we're going to work out. I mean, I'm not honestly sure how I feel about you, Jade. And you don't seem sure you want me as much as you think if you kiss Beck at my party. Is that why you came here? For him?" She asks, and you know the truth, yes, but if you say that, you're absolutely done for and that can't happen.
You might've forgotten a few important details to the whole Pandora's Box thing, but that's not what she's reminding you of. She's reminding you of life before the lock was there, back when things still hurt, when your thoughts gave you headaches, and made you want to sleep. Like you've been inside your head so much that the fact that everyone else doesn't get it confuses you. And this makes you lightheaded, because now you know she felt it too. You know you're dramatic, you're a writer though, exaggerating is a part of your fucking resume, so when you thought that Vega didn't give a damn… Maybe you were jumping the gun. When you look into her eyes, you remember why everyone fits into categories, why there's a space for Tori Vega in your heart. You can't take silence, there's not enough shadow for you to think there. You know you've fucked yourself over, and you're shocked, because what the fuck did you expect? You were gonna run off into the sunset with her?
That isn't something you can see for yourself because of many reasons. Number one on your list, it's a cliché, but that's subject to change because you've come to enjoy the clichés in your everyday life, most courtesy of Tori keeping them alive. You also don't run, because you don't like to sweat unless it's literally in the throes of passion usually, though not always occurring between the sheets. And when has that ever happened in a fairytale? Also you don't believe in fairytales, because they're too loosely connected. Happy endings, true love, mermaids and fairies? That's never appealed to you. You don't want a fairytale, you want a love story. You want to have electricity flow through your veins at a touch, you want to feel so strongly in love that the immensity of it cause you to faint, and you want to always smile like you mean it. You wish you could write you life and the lives of the people constantly surrounding you. You don't want surprises, all you've ever wanted it to know how these things end, to know that no matter what the fuck happens, you can always look at the last few pages and go, "That's okay, someday, everything is going to work out." But you can't. So although you try not to dwell on these things, you can't help that you still try to write your life, give your existence a meaning you can grasp.
Tori is Pandora's Box. You are Pandora. You opened the box, with no real intentions. Tori is fire. You are Prometheus. After Prometheus stole fire from the gods, he- in a nutshell, was sentenced to eternal pain. Because he's too fucking absorbed in getting fire. A bird- to keep it simple, a pain bearing bird, rips him to shreds, physically and emotionally. Everyday. And Prometheus never dies. The box does not close. You never win. You can't have her and not feel the agony that plagues your mind in turn. You can't have fire and not expect to get burned. You can't run from your thoughts, just like Prometheus couldn't run from the pain. You were both in chains, but for Tori and these feelings you can't recall ever feeling before, you're willing to be held at arm's length. Hell, it's not like you've got a choice.
Funny thing about Prometheus. He's could always feel himself dying, but was never able to. Let's call that thing keeping him from dying hope. Hope picks you up and pulls you down at a constant, but you've never been able to understand which one you're experiencing.
"I was there for you, but also him." You finally speak again. She doesn't seem alright with your confession, and you really didn't expect her to be. "What I mean is… I was really lonely last night, okay? I mean, I was drowning in straight up despair, Tori. I was in a horrible mood, and then Andre told me you and Beck were in your room and I guess I jumped to the worst. I went upstairs to talk to you anyway, but at some point… I decided…" You trail because this is the part you can't say. You wanted her so much that it started to feel like you were drowning, and all you wanted was an escape, and yet you feel like you're out of options in a way. She's got a hand in your heart, and in that hand is a knife. If you say the wrong thing, what if she twists? And even then, how the fuck could you have ever thought you could get rid of this feeling? You can't pull out the knife, you want it there, but at the same time you don't. Either way, she's there to stay. All you wanted was a little bit of fucking control, because honestly you've let some little fucking voice in the back of your head that sounds a hell of a lot like Tori control your mind, and your body.
"What did you decide?" She asks. You stare into her eyes and you find yourself blushing because you don't feel like you're allowed to, even though she's just a girl. And you have to remind yourself, you're actually older than her, she's not a judge, the wrong answer doesn't get you put in jail, but it doesn't exactly get you a place in a palace either. There's never any winning this fucking game for you. That's probably a reason why you don't believe in fairytales; your happy ending should've been here by now.
"I decided that you weren't…" You choke the words out and you're pretty close to hyperventilating. "You weren't worth it." She seems so shocked and you're immediately up and your arms unconsciously go around her when she moves to leave. You feel her tense and you can't see her face, but that's good, you're not distracted. You rest your head in the crook of her neck and steady your own breathing.
"Let me go, Jade." You laugh lightly.
"That's the thing, Vega. I fucking can't. I tried, last night with Beck. He was supposed to make me feel better, give me some big realization, make it so that I didn't need you to be happy. But it didn't work. It hasn't ever worked. I can't help it, I want you, simple as that, Tori." She's still tense in your arms and you're a little worked up right now, being this close to her. You've not hugged her in a very long time, and although this isn't quite a hug, it feels pretty damn good.
"How long have you liked me?" She asks quietly. You can't truly think of when it all started, it was just some random day, but it must've meant something, right? Something in you must've clicked even before this realization came to you. Probably when she first started at Hollywood Arts. Sometime during that first month, she grew on you, in a rash like way. You truly didn't like her then, she bugged you, and she was eyeing your boyfriend, and she was really good, raw talent. She made you jealous, because she was effortless, but still managed to achieve greatness. You thin k your feeling for her started to change around the time she literally produced your play. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done to you, and it's not really like she had much competition. Prior to that little fiasco, the nicest thing to ever happen to you was your father buying you lunch when he saw you had no money to.
"Remember that play I wrote? Well Wishes, Cat starred in it." She nods and squirms slightly in your arms, but you just loosen your hold, you don't let go, because next time you're quite certain that she wouldn't let you catch her. "You helped me produce it, remember. Really you did almost everything, I mean, you left a kid suspended in the air, which was cool. We spent a lot of time together that week, yeah? It was the first time we'd really gotten along since you came here." She doesn't say anything for a minute, but you don't mind, your arms are still around her, you're not in a hurry, even though you're becoming more and more conscious of the fact that your friends are still just on the other side of a wall.
"You were still with Beck."
"I loved him, still, but you were getting to me in ways I didn't and only rarely understand even now. Seriously, you would walk by and I would get so fucking heated, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I tried to make it stop then, ya know, tried to keep my feelings for Beck, and that would've been easier if you'd just have left me the hell alone instead always being in my face and shit. I tried to tell you off all the time, I tried to make you feel like there was nothing inside me for you but serious dislike. But then I… I started thinking about you." You stop there to gather your thoughts and also because the sound of Andre's voice makes your heart jump. He was screaming something to Robbie that made you wonder if they were really on teams or not.
"What do you mean?" She asks, and you almost smile because it means she's interested in the conversation, and that makes you want to smile and blush at the same damn time considering you're really going deep down.
"I don't know, just thinking about you. Like I would be writing something, and I might end up adding a brunette, which is fine. But then I make her Latina. Weird and next thing I know, I'm in the story now too, and it's become something entirely different. I would find myself thinking of how you would do things as opposed to how everyone else would. Like when you get coffee. You put in sugar, then milk, and then cinnamon or whatever." You sigh because that's not a 'whatever' moment, you're being a creep, you just described how she makes coffee. Who the fuck are you, really? "And I would end up looking forward to seeing you, teasing you and stuff because it was fun and I couldn't really think iof any other way to hold your attention without seeming gay. Not that gay is a bad thing, or whatever it's just I didn't want to be gay, ya know? Like, playing… Well this is a bad example because I generally dislike most sports, but playing tennis is fun, but I don't want to be a tennis player? Not that I'm saying being gay is a game just that-"
"I get it, Jade, you had your reputation in mind. Just… go on already, will you?" She's leaning into your arms more right now and it makes you lick your lips because if you just brought your hands up just a little more-
No. Bad. That's not a good move, tuck it into your back pocket for later though, Jadey. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
"I kind of just came to like you, Tori. It was gradual, and it was seriously slow, but it's definitely a real thing. I wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't help it. I tried, for a really long time, I figured I wouldn't feel this way if you thought I didn't like you, if I had a distraction. Nothing ever works, and I don't want it to. Last night I was with Beck to make myself forget about you, remember why I loved him and to go back to that, because liking you is painful, Tori. It can really fucking hurt. I was just tired of hurting, and I got antsy waiting for you to do something. I told you I liked you, and then you wouldn't talk to me for days, and one thing just led to another."
"I still don't know how I feel about you, though. I mean, really, all that was sweet, and I'm flattered. But I just… I feel weird, and I'm annoyed, at you and Beck. I feel like I'm getting played, like you're trying to see who can get me first or something. I'm not a trophy, but that's what I feel like." And now you turn her to face you, and you stare into her eyes and shake your head. She's not allowed to feel like that, she's not supposed to feel this hurt whether or not she hurts yours or Beck's feelings. She's too good for that, and that's what you tell her.
"Vega, you mean much, much more than any trophy I could ever get. And it wouldn't be a victory, it'd be a miracle if you liked me back. Still, I'm not telling you that you have to love me or anything, I just want a chance to show you… You know, I really, um… I really care for you and, like, your happiness and stuff." You backed off sometime during your speech when you felt yourself being a little too forward. Now you're at arm's length and she's scanning your face you can feel while you stare at your shoes.
"Jade, I like you, too. It's just… I need time to think this through." She looks at you with a face that suggests that was the nice way to put it. Your face goes to that neutral look it usually has, the one that comes when you're not feeling well. You bite your lip to keep from crying, as this isn't the worst she could've said, you're well aware that 'no' was an option, and it could still break your heart if she said it. But your heart is already broken. It's never really been whole, and you've always been okay with that, but maybe it should scare you, since a part of you isn't here right now. It's just floating around, and you want to call it Numb, but it's not. It's something else, and it doesn't have a name, you don't even want to give it one. It's different from being numb. It hurts. But you're not ready to cry just yet.
"I get it." You're nodding your head. She begins to take steps backwards once she realizes you must be waiting for her to go in first. You let out a stammered breath and try to swallow the lump that's steadily forming in your throat, and she is quick to come closer once again. You see her bite her lip and once again you're both really fucking close. You swallow again, and you're debating letting your tears fall in front of her because all of a sudden she's staring you in the face, and you can't help it if you start blinking rapidly to stop them.
It's bound to happen, you know. You feel it coming again. You always feel it coming, her contact. And it's not something that makes sense to most, but you don't mind because there's just something when your skin connects, when she doesn't pull away from you. It's always a little victory in your heart. Someone once asked you to promise that you won't do something stupid if you get lonely, and you promised, but you're always lonely. And you briefly wonder is she's a special case when it comes to doing things that hurt you. Because you love shrimp, but if you suddenly became allergic, would you necessarily stop eating it? Or would you test your limits, because it's just that good? Not to the point where you would risk your life, because you would certainly have your doctor on speed dial, and a bottle of safety pills in your pocket, and even an epipen because you're always looking for quick fixes. Still, you wouldn't ever be able to stay away from Tori.
You're too fond of the warmth she brings to ever have the Prometheus that shines in you bow and give fire back. You can't say you would change your life if the choice was given. You're too stubborn to heed any warning label on a box, and Pandora's Box will always be too tempting. Curiosity killed the cat, but let's say for sure cats have nine lives. That's nine lives spent well, and you know you never go the same way if you're that damn curious. You shake your head to get rid of the thoughts though, because this girl is really in front of you, and she hasn't rejected you yet, so that means at the very least, she's open to a little… exploration, maybe.
So you step with her as she draws closer and you lose breaths that you don't care for the closer you get. You zone in on her irises and she's in front of you, but the space around somehow seems smaller than the closet did and you can't wait to close it, because you're a bit less out of your element this time. She seems to want some part of what you have to offer, and that's enough for you. Except you can never be sure, she has to move, even if it's barely a millimeter, it means she wants it too. And you aren't Beck, you're not going to avoid any signs of apprehension, so you pull away after a second of breathing the same air as her. She's lets out a shaky breath and you know you've made the right choice.
She looks down and her hands fiddle with themselves. She's nervous which, even though you're trying to be nicer in general, you can't help but revel in, because it means you affect her. You're not just… some fan of hers, and you know she has many. You reach to touch her shoulder, but your hand stalls and you settle for waiting for her to catch your gaze again. You hold her stare till she gives you her full attention.
"It's okay, you don't have to…do that." You know she gets what you mean. "Really, I'm not looking for anything but a chance."
It's this moment the two of you share where you're allowed to look her up, without any type of shyness because at some point you lost that shame that comes with pride. You have officially said your piece. The ball is in her court.
Again.
Except this time, it's more like you put it there.
A/N: Hey! I really thought I might have this chapter up sooner, but obviously things happen, like my internet connection? It went away for a while! Yeah, the day I went to post, internet just shut off. But that ended up being good, because this was rewritten like… 3 times. Seriously, too much time on my hands, but at the same time not enough. I hope you liked it, I had a lot of trouble writing it. Like, a lot. It was annoying and I wanted different things to happen, and in the original version there was a dream sequence I decided wasn't necessary but was still kind of cool to play around with… The entire chapter was going to be a dream, and Jade was gonna wake up in the bathroom when Robbie came to pee, it was hectic. I hate to make a really long A/N but I have a question burning within me.
How do you use a semicolon? Because I just think I use commas way too much. Even though I really love the little guys…You don't actually have to tell me, because even if you do, I probably will just stick with commas… Still, it'd be nice to know, ya know?
I hope you enjoyed this!
Mai-Tt :):