"NO PAUL! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!" Bella shoved at him, pushing him back further than she thought she could. Tears streamed down her face, how could she be so stupid?! Stupid enough to let him in, to let him past the wall she'd built up throughout the years. Loss had happened to her more than she thought anyone could ever take on.
"You dont get to say you understand! You dont! Dont ever tell me you know, that youll be there! Because you havent! You havent been through the pain, the sorrow, the loneliness. You have no clue how I've gone through these things and come out the way I have." She screamed at him, forgetting to wipe her face of the tears, forgetting to take a deep breath and back away. No she was done, she was broken and she wanted to show him how much damage he had caused.
Bella could feel the walls breaking around her heart, shattering, walls that would have to be rebuilt again. She could feel hands clawing at her, tearing parts of her soul from her. She didnt want to go through that again. She had said she wouldnt go through it again, but here she was, proving to herself that she was a liar. How could he have pushed her that far, its like he never picked up on it. Paul was always around, how could he not pick up on how fragile she was? She guessed she was better at hiding the pain than she thought she was.
"LET ME IN THEN! YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME FOREVER!" Paul screamed back. He shocked himself when he yelled. "She cant push me away, it cant happen" he thought to himself.
"Please...let me in" he whispered.
"You want in! You want into MY HEAD!? " She screeched. "Fine! You wanna feel someone grabbing at you? Biting you! Pushing at you..." she could hear the mans voice in her head again, meancing, whispering "you've wanted me for so long...your mine now, you wanted this..."
She shook her head, took a step back, choking on her own breath. Paul watched her back away, he lifted his hand towards her. "Please wait...I'm sorry..."He mumbled.
"No..."she whispered, trying to breathe through the breaking of her heart. "You don't get to be sorry. Never be sorry. It's my fault I let you in. I never wanted to let you in and here you are. Why do you even care? Because we've been through so much?!" he could hear the panic rising in her voice. Tears streamed down her face again. "I didnt want it to happen. He forced it, not me...but its my fault. Its always my fault! I knew it, it always happens..." Turning away she tried to walk away but couldnt.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you..." She whispered.
"Bella..." he reached for her, she whimpered as she took another step back.
" Paul...I'm sorry. I didnt ask for this...I'm so broken..." she felt her knees give way then. She sat there, moving to lay down and curl into a ball and sobbed. The pain, the worry, the loneliness was back. It crept back into her life while she wasnt looking. Paul walked slowly to her and sunk down near her, but didnt touch her. He knew she couldnt be touched right now, she had to let it all out, she had to do it in her own way, but there was no way he was leaving her. She wouldnt...no, couldnt, understand what she meant to him. Nothing would take that from him, but at this moment he couldnt tell her that. He felt her pain and for once there was nothing he could do. She had obvisiously been through so much more than he ever thought possible and she had let him in, even though she never wanted too. Paul watched as Bella curled into herself again, hugging herself and sobbing, gulping for air. He wasnt leaving, he hoped she knew that.
-
"You dont understand..."she whimpered. Bell had taken a while to be able to just lay there, without the big tears running down her face. She was barely audible to anyone, but paul could hear her.
" I have always been left. No matter how much love someone has for me...they leave. They talk about me behind my back. I have always closed myself up and then you came along. I never thought I could handle it. I have waited everyday for something to break us apart. It was me." Paul shook his head. "It couldnt be you..."he whispered. She wasnt looking at him. She had been curled away from him the whole time, staring into space.
" What he did was not your fault...I...I" he stumbled over his words like rocks in a dirt path. "I saw...and I went crazy..." he couldnt form the words into a complete sentence. Images of her being pressed again the black car that night, another man kissing her.
"But you should have come to me...but he was right you know. I deserved what I got" she could feel her throat tighten, threatening to make her cry again. Paul felt his angry rising. Had that guy actually said that to her!? He started to talk but bella was speaking again.
" It was all innocent until after the game..." she retreated into her head again, seeing everything again.
-
"Come on hunny..."a husky voice spoke into her ear."I wanna go somewhere else." Bella was bending over the pool table, about to take her next shot. Jack was curled around her, his hands snaking between her legs, grabbing at the fabric that stood between him and what he wanted.
"Jack...I'm just finishing my game and then I have to go. Let me just make this shot, please" She'd seen him drunk before, knew he was like this but nothing had every happened to her before, why should now be any different? Melissa glared at the back of Bella's head. How was it every guy went after Bella but not her? She rubbed her back against her consolation prize for the night. Tray was alright, but he wasnt Jack and he certainly wasn't Paul. She could have any guy she wanted but she couldnt get Jack...Jack was another morsal she wanted to wrap her mouth around. But they were "just friends", all of them.
"Fine...but I wanna go somewhere else tonight" Jack growled into Bella's ear.
"Jack you know I cant go anywhere else tonight" Bella stated as she stood up from her shot. "Beside I need to get Paul from work tonight. And I have appointments and errands all day tomorrow." She swear she saw Jack's lip curl.
"Fine..." He muttered and walked over to Melissa and tray. "She cant be serious...She's going to miss out on everything because she's dating the school rockstar" he muttered. Melissa could hear the anger in his voice and decided it was her turn to get her way.
"Why dont you get us another round of shots? I'll talk to Bella, I'm sure I could bring her around" she smiled. "Ill bring her around..."she thought to herself.
"Bella!" Melissa bellowed as she made her way to the pool table. "Come on, I need to use the bathroom!" She tugged at Bella's arm and began to drag her the bathroom near the backdoor.
"Fine..." Bella mumbled as she tossed the que on the table. "Good game man..." They both glanced at each other, knowing that with all the interruptions they would never be able to finish the game. He nodded and walked back to the bar.
Melissa kept babbling and dragging her, but as soon as the door closed behind them she turned and stared Bella in the eyes. "You realize Jack is so totally into you and your not even taking a chance with him!? Whats gotten into you!? And please dont give me any crap about you and paul, cause he's seriously wrecking my mood and he's not even here! I mean come on! Jack Callahan is all over you and all you do is play pool!? What happened to the old Bella? The Bella that hadthe biggest crush on Jack and would do anything just to be around him? You finally get your chance and your chickening out!" she whined. Bella just stood there amazed that her friend was so upset.
" You know I'm with paul..."she sputtered out.
"I know, but for tonight your with me" Melissa pleaded. "Have another shot and then we'll go where ever the party heads" she begged. "Please? I cant go alone!" she pouted, sticking out her lower lip.
"I need to pick up Paul though, he's been working a lot..." she started when she was cut off "Paul, Paul, Paul! It's always Paul!? What happened to us?! We used to be best friends" guilt would do the trick she thought. "We never get to hang out anymore and when we do he's always around. We get it, you caught the biggest bad boy in town...but your girlfriend is lonely and has no one else she trusts to drink with! Please..."she sighed. "Please, just another drink and I promise I'll let you go back to prince charming." She could see the guilt settling on Bella's shoulders. She ran her fingers through her own inky black hair. She grinned as Bella sighed. "Ok...one shot!" Bella smiled. "Ill call paul and just have him head over here" she pulled out her phone and texted him while melissa squealed, jumping up and down and hugging her. " Thank you!" "I'm not doing it for Jack though, he's really off tonight, I'm staying because you asked and I'm pretty sure you already got us another shot." Bella grinned and looked at her phone
B: Hey, head to the bar after work, Melissa is having a rough time since I'm not around very often...I told her one more shot...I'll be ready to go afterwards. Love you!
As they headed back to the table she could see the shots were already there, at least two rounds...of doubles...Thank goodness they had ordered food before.
"Ladies! Lets make a toast" Jack said as he snaked his arm around bella and pulled her over to him, even though he felt her tense and try to move away. "To you...to the beautiful ladies that are amazing and I'm so glad your here" he said as he lifted his shot into the air and gulped it back. Bella felt the burn and could tell Paul would be the one driving home...oops, should have told him that. After the second round she could begin to feel the numbness creep over her.
"Shit..."she looked at her phone for the time "I was supposed to meet paul..."
3 new messages
P: Yeah I'll be there, dont have too much fun! Haha
P: Sorry, running a little late...should have been there already...but some stuff needed to be handled.
P: I'll be there in 15 min, guess I'm driving tonight huh? Haha, cant wait! No puking it the car this time...luv u
Paul would be here any minute and she wasnt out there waiting. "I gotta go" she mumbled and tried to untangle herself from melissa and jacks arms. She couldnt figure out how that had happened, she remembered the toast then now, and hour later they were all in a fit of giggles and hugs and she was pretty sure she and melissa had shared a kiss or two.
"Aw..."they pouted together. "here!" Jack said "I'll walk you out" she wasnt sure how hed walk her out since he had been the one that was past wasted and was tripping over his own feet. "Meh...whatever" Bella said as she gathered her purse. She could feel jack putting his arm around her shoulders and putting his weight against her. "offh!" she said as she struggled to walk to the door with this bulky guy leaning on her. "You should call a cab" she told him as they stepped out in the cool night breeze. "Nah..."he mumbled. "Walk me to my car? Please" jack tugged at her hand..."No...I need to wait for Paul" Bella looked around, Melissa and Tray had followed them. "Tray's driving...I just wanna hold your hand some...-hiccup- more" jack said. "Come on you wuss!" Melissa said as she laughed and pulled closer to Tray. She could feel herself moving, but not without resistance. They reached tray's black car and she opened the door for Jack. "K, your here!" She tried to pull away but jack held her fast. "Wait..." he said as he pulled her closer. "I wanna kiss you."
"That would be a bad idea" she said as she pulled away, she could feel his arms wrap around her. She had to get out of there, had to. There was no way this could be happening.
"You've wanted me for so long...your mine now, you wanted this..." he hissed and clamped his mouth over hers. She tried to scream but couldnt, she tried to twist away but he held her steadfast. He released her mouth and grinned, an evil, menacing grin. "No...I dont want you, I mean I did but that was so long ago." she whimpered, she needed to move. "Melissa help!" She gave her friend a pleading look. "No way" melissa shook her head. "You wanted him, you got him, you deserve it" Bella could feel the fear rising in her chest. Jack forced his lips on hers again, she bit down hard on his bottom lip,tasting the metallic taste of blood. "You bitch!" He screamed and threw her against the door. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, turning her and slamming against the door frame. Bella grunted "Please just stop, this isnt you." He smacked her across the face. "Your going to get in the car and your going to like what I do. You deserve to get what youve always wanted" Jack started shoving her into the car. He grabbed her face and forced another kiss on her. In her head she was yelling, screaming for Paul. Where was he?! She pushed at Jack, he just pressed against her, she tried to bite him again but he bit back.
"Hey! What the FUCK is going on!?" Paul yelled. Was she kissing him!? Jack turned and grinned, wiping his mouth with his sleeves. "Whats up Paul? You wanna join?" Jack released Bella and shoved her out of the way, turning his entire body to face paul. "We're just headed to another party." He smiled. "Bella was just thanking me for the shots...we had a helluva night, to bad you couldnt join us Lahote." Paul was only seeing red. Something wasnt right. He could see Bella was frightened. He stomped over to the car. Jack was one of his closest friends until he transferred out to another school. "What the hell?"
You could hear the crack throughout the parking lot. "You broke my nose!" Jack wailed as he clutched his face. " You broke my nose for that stupid bitch!? What the hell! She aint worth it...she asked for it!" You could hear another crack as paul punch him across the face.
-
"You didnt deserve anything he did to you" he growled through gritted teeth. Why wouldnt she face him. He needed to see her face, he inched closer to her, still not touching her.
"I had liked him for a long time...but then you came along...They had been around longer than you. He played with me, like a toy." She scrunched herself up tighter. "How could my own friends do that to me?" She could feel the tears rising. She licked the bite mark on her bottom lip and sucked in a breath.
" They arent your friends...not if they're like that to you" he said soothingly. "Im sorry...I'm sorry I wasnt there. I'm sorry I've been staying away." he reached out to touch her back, he needed to feel her. She rolled to face him, her eyes swollen from the tears, bags under her eyes from not sleeping for the past couple of days. Pain was etched across her face, pain that he hadnt been there, that he had broken his promise. Pain that she hadnt been smart enough to stop those events from happening.
" I was so blind..." she whispered...she felt the tears build up and fall over, down her cheeks, they were hot...if only tears could burn a trail...