Bella stared blankly at her laptop screen, fingers bracing on the keyboard as she tried to gather her thoughts even so she could let them flow down her arms, to her fingertips and out onto the screen. How would she be able to say what she was really feeling? She hadn't let anyone know, hell she had hidden it from herself. She closed her eyes tightly against the burn in her eyes, hoping to keep the tears back, never wanting them to fall, yet she braced herself for impact.
She remembered looking into paul's eyes, seeing the pain, the cold steel of emotion that he was trying to hold back from her. He couldnt hide things like this from her, she knew instantly. The two and half months of stalling, the pain that seemed to ebb and flow freely throughout her family, it was all coming to and end, and somehow, in a sick way, she was lucky he was there, he was going to be the one to watch her crack and fall to pieces. She felt the numbness wash over her, her legs turned to a thick gooey jello like substance but yet they helped her stay standing. She braced for impact, braced herself for the words that were going to come and hit her like a ton of bricks. She knew it was over...but she didn't want it to be this way. She had told her self over and over that is was over, it was over before it began. She even allowed herself a little hope when things started to shine brightly again. The phones, the emails, the updates, everything, it seemed like everything was getting better...but here...here and now she knew it wasnt and that it wasn't ever going to be she was going to face it and how she would take the reality...she didnt know just yet, so she waited, waited for the official words to tumble from his mouth.
"I'm sorry, she's gone" his voice was low, monotone. His voice was usually strong, usually pulled her from her darkest places, but this time it was his voice that was going to help plunge her deep into a dark abyss that she only hoped she was strong enough to come out of.
Two and half months of prayers, of fighting, of her faith being shaken...it was all over now. Paul stepped forward and brought her against his chest, she hadnt moved to him and he knew he would have to move to take care of her.
"I know" was all she said before she stepped out of his embrace, turned and walked to the porch. Paul watched, waiting for the tears, but instead it was worse, she was a stone wall and no emotion was going to get through. All he could do was follow her and wait for inevitable.
Bella opened her eyes again and stared again at the empty screen. She thought about emailing her cousin, but it didn't feel right. Her husband and the rest of her family would be able to read the email or any messages she sent, she needed to get out what she was feeling but wasnt sure how to go about delivering any of the messages. She poised her fingers and decided to just let go of everything and to write freely.
Dear Kendra-
-The tears threatened Bella's eyes again.-
Im sorry I wasnt there. I look at your pictures from time to time, look at your daughter and think of you. Shes beautiful you know, she has everyone wrapped around her finger and so many people rooting for her already. Her life will be a full one.
-grimacing, Bella took a deep breath-
I wanted to write you...to tell you Im sorry I wasnt there. Maybe there was something I could have done. Why didn't God take me instead? I dont understand it. We've already had enough pain in this family. I blame myself. I catch myself wanting to call you or write you. You were so happy and I finally felt like we were going to be friends. I know we were never close but it kills me that your gone. I have times when I dont think of whats happened, but then I feel guilty. I try to live my life better now, enjoy it more. I started writing again but for a while I was really depressed. I havent been to your grave yet. Can you forgive me? Ill go, but Im not ready yet. Im not ready to be near where your buried.
-A tear fell down Bellas cheek, she took a slow steady breath-
I dont know what I should say. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I always looked up to you and lets be honest, I still do. My cousin was beautiful, she danced gracefully and sang. I always loved dancing and I know you did too, but you really loved singing and if I was good at it I wish we could have sang together. I still remember you singing at memaw's funeral. You sang the same song at your friends wedding, I wish you could sing at my wedding.
-Bella could feel her chest opening a little, like a small bit of relief was coming.-
I miss you so much and I wish...I wish so many things. I'm not admitting that your gone...it still hurts too much. I still reach for my phone to call you but then remember I cant. I feel like I didnt do enough, didnt pray enough, I should have come down there.
-Bella stopped. She could feel the courage slipping away, the words retreating up her arms and back to her mind. She couldnt think clearly. She'd have to try again later to express herself. Saving the letter she picked up her phone and decided to text paul.
I love you, to the moon and back.