Chapter 3

My chest feels tighter and tighter as the train brings us closer to 12. It is easy to do whatever it takes to survive when facing angry crowds. It is a different matter entirely to come home and face the reality of my actions. This is almost a repeat of the train that brought us home. Except this time, I am not deceiving Peeta- At least I hope I am not. Many times I feel I am using him, but for what I cannot put a name on.

The last train ride back, we got on the train as star-crossed lovers and left barely speaking. This train ride, we board as an engaged couple – but what do we leave as?

For now at least, the cameras are still rolling. We will have to keep up the act in the district through the Harvest Festival until the cameras leave. We have to be in love to keep us alive. Reminding myself of that makes it easier to continue our deception. I don't need to think about how people will react. I have to perform.

"We're here, we're here! Last stop!" Effie cries. "Oh what a fitting ending! Just look at those crowds!"

There were masses waiting at the empty train station. I was a little startled at the mood of the crowd – they seemed happy. How could be anybody be happy at a time like this?

"Everything seems so festive," Peeta comments, taking my hand and standing.

Portia squeals. "Not yet! Your shirt is all rumpled from the ride!" she hurries forward with a tiny silver paddle that seems to have steam coming out.

I look down at the artfully rumpled dress Cinna has put me in. Any travel-related rumpling blends seamlessly.

"Cinna, you're a fashion god."

He smirks at me. "I know. Officially you designed that though. Your line is more rugged than my line."

I had almost forgotten about my fashion line. I don't even know what it's called. Something like Fire by Katniss.

Portia steps back from Peeta and declares him perfect.

We step down from the train to an adoring crowd that the cameramen are in a frenzy to capture. We hold hands, blow kisses, and wave to our well-wishers. It is an adoring crowd. Of course, we come bearing gifts. The Capitol has stocked the train with food and treats for the district, most of which will be used at the Harvest Festival feast. I see the people's eyes light up when they see the sacks of flour, sugar, coffee beans, fruits and best of all - dozens of containers of beef and chicken.

And about thirty more peacekeepers.

I grip Peeta's hand a little tighter. Are they staying in District 12? Why are there so many of them? I didn't see them when we got on the train in the Capitol. Visions of suddenly being abducted after the tour go through my brain. Prim being kidnapped. My mom. Gale.

My emotions for the past months have just gone between immobilizing fear and adrenaline-fueled terror. I feel my heart pounding and my hands clench. Peeta looks at me with concern. He lets go of my hand and draws me close to him. "You okay?" he whispers in my ear.

I nod. "Just a little tired from all the travelling." Some Peacekeepers have moved forward disappearing in different directions. I spy the car up ahead. "I just need to sit down." It is not entirely a lie – I've barely gotten any sleep the whole trip. Peeta can vouch for that – every night he's woken up to my screams and cries.

"Let's go then," he replies. We start to lead our fairly substantial entourage – one escort, one mentor, two three-man prep teams, two stylists, and five Peacekeepers – to the convoy of cars. The feast will not be in the Justice Hall, but at the Mayor's house.

As we drive by the city, I notice most of the Peacekeeper cars are headed towards the Seam. I worry immediately for the Hawthornes – Gale will be in the mines, but Rory, Vick and Posy will be in the Seam. I pray they are still in school. Peacekeepers wouldn't attack a school.

But then – they're perfectly fine watching children murder each other, so that might be giving them too much credit.

I let myself be led through a familiar whirl of prep once we reach the mayor's house. I am surprised that is our first stop instead of our houses. I long to see Prim, but we are to be out in public only after our grand entrance at the festival. In other districts, we would be given a small tour of the area, but that is clearly unnecessary here. Instead, all the time is dedicated to preparing for the final celebration.

Cinna is wordlessly efficient as he measures my waistline and makes alterations to the last gown on the tour.

"Sorry," I tell him.

"You never have to apologize to me, girl on fire," he smiles. This is why I love Cinna. His eternal calmness and understanding. "Just lie back and think of something peaceful."

"Does that work?" I ask, as he starts to sew. Octavia comes forward and puts cucumber slices over my eyes, forcing me to close them.

"Sometimes."

"Is that why you're so calm all the time?"

"No," Cinna says. "I am calm because I see everything as inspiration for design. Even things that would be destructive and dangerous ordinarily become beautiful."

I always knew beneath Cinna's stillness was an absolute madman. "Like fire?"

"Exactly."

"And death?" Because that's what fills my mind.

"That's more difficult," Cinna says thoughtfully. "Past cultures wouldn't say die – they called it going to the great beyond. They believed in a better life after death."

"Is it true?"

"I don't know, but I do know this – every end gives rise to a new beginning. A new beginning always carries with it the hope that things will be better."

"Peeta says something like that in his speech."

"Peeta is a very wise boy."

It is not long before I am pushed into a blue dress that leaves my arms bare. Cinna called it his goddess dress. The fabric is so soft it seems to flow. My only accessory is a thin gold cord that is tied around my waist. As I walk, I realize why he has not given me any other accessory. Embedded in the lower layer of the dress are hundreds of tiny crystals. I shine.

This is it. This is our last chance. We are at the end of the tour. We will either continue to live – or be kidnapped and murdered by the horde of Peacekeepers that arrived with us.

We are announced. The parade of people making entrances start. Peeta and I count steps until finally, we begin our speech. It is so ingrained in my head from the number of times we have given it, gone over it, fine-tuned it. I can only hope it has been enough. Peeta is quietly convincing as he shares our lesson from the games. I try to infuse my own part with as much courage as I can muster.

"… this is not a time for anger or revenge," Peeta says wrapping up his speech calmly. "This is a time to remember. To remember Cato's determination. Rue's grace. Clove's laughter. Thresh's strength."

He takes my hand, in a routine we have choreographed and practiced from District 10 all the way to District 1, the Capitol, and finally here, in District 12.

"For Katniss and myself, the games began and ended with love. A love that grew only stronger because it was forged and tested in the crucible of the games. It prepared us for life beyond the arena."

That was my cue to step forward. "A life remembering our losses."

Peeta again. I give my best attempt at a besotted smile as he speaks. "A life looking at a stronger and better future."

Me. "Panem today."

Him. "Panem tomorrow."

Together. "Panem forever."

We kiss once more for the camera, as it begins to move away from the stage and towards the festivities. I think there is applause. People are on their feet. The celebration in District 12 is happier than most – both compared to past celebrations and to other districts celebrations. Not only is this the first victory District 12 has had in years, but this is the only year where both tributes survived. There is no grieving family that people pretend not to see. No wailing parents. No solemn looking brothers and sisters. People are legitimately happy for us – and the extra food our district has been awarded certainly doesn't hurt. I smile, but it is a practiced smile. My hand is clammy in Peeta's.

We slowly make our way toward the VIP table where the mayor, Haymitch and Effie sit. My heart is pounding as I look at Haymitch. He's dressed in a suit that is rumpled – probably on his fourth or fifth drink tonight – but clean. Effie's doing, probably. Effie on the other hand is all bubbles and smiles in a pink and green dress.

"You were simply wonderful, my darlings!" she croons. Her hair is a brilliant gold and catches the lights. It also seems to be attracting moths. "So beautiful and encouraging! Model victors!" she adds, with a pointed look at Haymitch. "What a wonderful final speech," she says with a sigh.

Haymitch gives a loud belch. Effie cannot hide her wince. "Manners!"

I would be amused if I wasn't so nervous. Was it enough? Please let it have been enough. I haven't been able to think of anything else in the past two weeks. Convince me, President Snow said. It plays in my head over and over. At the party at the Capitol, President Snow had given me no sign at all. If only we were alone with Haymitch, I would ask him all my questions. I hate the party, the crowd. There were matters of life and death at stake not just for me, but for my family. For Gale. For Peeta's family. But I had to stay at the party and smile and wave. It was hateful. I need answers that only Haymitch could provide. He is the only adult I trust to read and navigate the politics of the Capitol. He will tell me if I have convinced the districts not to rebel.

My mentor never fails to read my mind. Haymitch chuckles and raises his glass. "Nice going, kids." We know he is not referring to the speech.

I cannot contain my sigh of relief. I sag a little against Peeta. His arm tightens around me reflexively. "That's a wrap," he smiles. He helps me into my seat. "And now you're done speaking in public for the next year at least. Happy?"

"Overjoyed. Mostly hungry." I am salivating at the food in front of me that looked like sandpaper a minute ago. I can breathe easy now, like the noose is gone from around my neck. Oranges and apples are sliced and arranged in tiny plates. The smell of roast chicken wafts through the air. Mashed potato. Candied walnuts.

"I think I see lamb stew over there," Peeta says.

"Mine!" I say, reaching out at once. Peeta pretends to try to take it from me and I cannot help but giggle. Giggle, I think amazed. I feel positively giddy.

Not many people know how much was riding on this victory tour. The program continues – but all I am doing is eating. I hadn't eaten a proper meal in days. Peeta looks vaguely amused. I take his dessert. He kisses me on the cheek.

I spend the rest of the night talking to people – everyone wants to talk to me. Reporters with cameras are everywhere. I pose for picture after picture. I seek out only two people – Prim and my mother are at the table across mine. To my annoyance, Prim has brought her ugly cat. She insists Buttercup joins our family picture.

"So Mrs. Everdeen, I know you thought she was too young for a boyfriend – but now that she and Peeta are engaged, what are your thoughts?" a reporter asks. It is odd that my family learned about my engagement at the same time as the rest of Panem did, but it couldn't be helped. I feel no guilt. It is not a real engagement, after all.

My mother gives a small smile. "I'd still like her to wait a few years. A long engagement."

I make myself laugh, which given my giddy state, is not too difficult. "I told you she would need convincing." The reporters laugh with me. Inside though, I am relieved. Thank you mom. I have the perfect excuse to postpone the wedding.

"What about you, Prim? Are you excited to have a brother?" a reporter asks my sister.

She nods. "Yes. But I'm more excited for nieces and nephews to dress up and play with!"

For what might be the first time, my mother and I are in perfect synchronization. "Not anytime soon," we say together.

Everyone laughs even harder. The reporter – I think I'll call her Reporter 1 - is all smiles. "We'll quote you on that."

"On a more serious note, Katniss. Your wedding plans are already the talk of Panem!" another reporter asks me. I think I'm going to call this one Reporter 2.

"I've only been engaged two days!" I say honestly.

"Have you picked a wedding planner yet? Or will Ms. Trinket continue to handle all your events?"

"I think Effie would die and haunt me if she didn't get to plan the wedding," I answer.

"And your wedding gown will be done by Cinna?"

"I would never wear anyone else."

"And you'll start having kids in a year?"

"Two days! I've been engaged two days!" I repeat, pretending to be flustered. There are a few more questions and the interviews thankfully end.

"Thank you for your time, Katniss," they say. "And best wishes."

They make a beeline for Peeta who is chatting with his brothers and Haymitch near the drinks. It looks like Haymitch has officially finished mentoring. Peeta seems to be the only thing keeping Haymitch upright.

"Peeta! Could we ask you a few questions?"

Peeta is all affable charm as he nods. "Sure, just let me get Haymitch settled."

"Settled? Bah!" Haymitch slurs. He staggers back to the drinks. "Don't touch my drink!" Peeta raises his eyebrows, confused.

"Katniss wouldn't answer us about when you plan to have babies– do you have an answer for us?" one reporter asks, getting right into it.

Peeta points in Haymitch's direction. "Sometimes it seems like we already have one! All he does is eat, sleep, and complain that Katniss and I don't pay attention to him."

It is unsurprising that Peeta's interview is much longer than mine. He's always been the more talkative between the two of us. They ask him about how he came up with the proposal, how he felt while he was proposing, what his plans are, where he wants to go on honeymoon. I allow myself to be distracted by Prim. Listening to wedding plans make it seem real and the wedding is most definitely not real.

I start walking toward Peeta as the interview tapes down, so the cameras can get shots of Peeta and I ending the night together. I wait a little off to the side.

"One last question, Peeta."

"Go ahead, Cressida." It figures Peeta would remember all their names.

"Victors normally can have the best things money can buy, but what hard to get item do you want as a wedding gift?"

Peeta laughs. "That's easy. For Katniss to sing me a song."

"She doesn't sing?"

"Not in a while! And her voice is the most beautiful thing I've heard in my life."

"You've never asked her to sing for you?"

"No. I don't know, I've always felt unworthy," Peeta says sheepishly. "Like a little kid watching his crush from afar. Sometimes I forget she's my girlfriend."

"Fiancée now!"

"Right, fiancée!" Peeta smacks his forehead. "Please don't tell her I called her my girlfriend."

"It'll be our little secret. But let's see if we can't make that happen."

I walk into the frame of the camera. "I heard that Peeta Mellark," I say, putting on a mock stern face.

"I'm in trouble now," he tells Cressida. They tie up the interview and before long we are walking back to the VIP table, avoiding the dancers in the middle.

The mayor stands. "To end the night, there has been a request." The spotlight turns to me. "Katniss, would you do us the honor of singing a song?"

Prim comes out of nowhere with a microphone and presents it to me with a smile and a flourish. Her cheeks are a rosy pink, blue eyes bright with life. She is no longer a skinny starving Seam kid, my victory has ensured that. And my actions again tonight ensure we will be safe. I think of Prim and the future she has – and I am so happy, if someone told me to do cartwheels, I probably would.

"What would you like to hear?" This time, when I hear the applause, I appreciate it.

"The meadow song!" Prim volunteers immediately as she walks with me to the stage.

"The valley song!" Peeta calls from his seat.

"Both!" someone else in the audience cries.

"Only if you all sing with me," I tell my District. As I start to sing, other voices join in.

As the music swells around me, I cannot help but feel warm on the inside. This. This is what I fought so hard to protect. To make life for my family, the people around me just that little bit better. The paper lanterns that they have used to decorate the square seem to glow a little bit brighter. The wind is a gentle breeze. It is so peaceful and still save for the music – even the birds have stopped singing. The sky has never been so beautiful.

Here it's safe, here it's warm

Here the daisies guard you from every harm

Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true

Here is the place where I love you

When I wake up the next day, my happiness ebbs enough that I can finally identify what was missing from last night. Gale.