Anyway, enjoy!
Hehe, so as a writer I've shot Light six times, destroyed his family and gave him a few developing psychological disorders...I think I can forgive him now...well, after this chapter anyway...then I can forgive him- but he's still a diva. Lol so you guys are pretty lucky, originally I think I planned to update only once a week- thus the long fifteen to twenty page chapters- but you guys are getting them twice a week which is like, around thirty to forty pages which I can break down and say about an hour of writing every six or seven pages- you do the math anyway, I'm just saying- you peoples hit the jackpot with this story. Ah, and I also uploaded the next chapter of Elite book two...which is also pretty long. Love you all!
Happy Friday!
Mistress Slytherin
WARNINGS:
HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
NOT FOR THE EYES OF THE YOUNG
VIOLENT SITUATIONS
BLOODSHED
AU
MAJOR CHARACTER DEATHS
DOMESTIC ABUSE
Let me know if I missed anything?
PART 1
Chapter 3
Standing on Uneven Ground
"Light-kun…" Mogi said his voice low and his eyes dark. Light glanced up at the man as the chill seeped into his bones. His face was bruised and swollen still and the purpling bruises had yet to fade around his neck. L scooted closer still an ever present shadow that seemed to warm him somehow- it really was good to have a friend right now. Sayu and his mother couldn't even look at him any more.
"I'm sorry Light-kun; we should have warned you that he was in a rage." Aizawa said softly as he came up beside him. Light nodded his head slowly.
"I've decided to go back to school; I want to finish my term in University." Light said evenly. The others nodded.
"You'll have all our recommendations if you still feel like being an officer." Ide said with a stiff nod. Light nodded in return.
"Everything will be arranged so that they don't give you trouble coming back to school after so long." Aizawa added. Light nodded.
"Thank you." He said swallowing thickly against the soreness in his throat.
"Anything you need kid." Mogi said seriously. Light nodded numbly.
"We have Kyosuke Higuchi in custody Light, the Kira case is nearly over so take it easy okay?" Ide added looking guilty. Light nodded.
"I'll be glad when no one remembers his name." Light said shaking his head. The others nodded slowly in understanding.
"Remember Light-kun, anything you need." Mogi said again causing Light to smile a thin wane smile before nodding and watching as they drifted away along with others that had attended the funeral.
L tugged on his sleeve after a long numb moment and Light turned slightly.
"Does Light-kun need a hug?" L said quietly his gaze unsure and as socially awkward as ever. Light shook his head.
"No Ryuuzaki I'll be fine." He said tiredly. L looked up at him for another moment his gaze intense.
"Can I have a hug then?" He requested in a still small voice. Light felt his heart clench. Of course, L was having a hard time too, Light's father had triggered something in him, he was suffering from flash backs frequently. Light sighed and wrapped his arms around L pulling him close.
"Yeah." He said swallowing as L pressed against him. They both needed it to be honest but Light was used to being the strong one and holding L was…well it felt wonderful despite the fact that it was unusual. He sighed tiredly and sank closer to L relaxing when he felt a long fingered hand rise to settle on the back of his neck. L was ever wary of his wounds which had been torn when he'd been thrown against the wall and his hand was light and cool against the inflamed circle around his neck reminding him that he was alive.
#$% #$% #$% #$%
"You know, you don't have to come to school with me Ryuuzaki." Light said amused to see the other man following him out the door.
"And you no longer need to continue to live at home; you have the means now to own your own home if you so wished." L countered skittering a few steps forward to keep up with him. Light looked away.
"I can't just move out right now, my mom and sister shouldn't be alone." He said tiredly. L frowned.
"The life insurance that your father had both from working with the police and from working with me as well as the rather sizable amount he kept in a savings account is enough to keep both your sister and your mother comfortable for the rest of their lives." He noted. "Light-kun should come live with me." He added Light snorted. It figured L didn't quite get things like this; Light had a suspicion that it was some form of autism.
"Yes but we are a family L. and family sticks together in circumstances like these." He tried to explain. "Besides, you don't really want me to live with you, you can barely stand me, che, I can barely stand me right now." L frowned at him and nodded his head. It was true they were at each other's necks all the time these days- but at the same time Light couldn't help but feel like he couldn't be without L.
"At any rate why are we taking the bus to school? It must be cumbersome for Watari to follow us at such a slow speed." L said drawing Light's focus and glancing behind him. Light frowned and snorted at the sight of the familiar expensive car.
Watari…
Light sighed.
"Fine." He said feeling indulgent as L rushed for the car.
Light-sama….
Light jerked and turned sharply his eyes darting around the deserted street.
He could swear he'd heard someone...
"Light-kun?" L said popping his head out of the back seat of the car. Light frowned and shook his head before turning to the car and slipping in beside L. "Is Light-kun alright?" L asked cautiously as Light stared obsessively out the window. Light frowned.
"Just now, I thought I heard someone call my name." He said shaking his head. "Probably just the medicine." He said lightly. L frowned slightly.
"Your medication did not mention hallucinogenic effects as one of the side effects. Nor did it mention anything about making your hands shake." L pointed out as he caught one of Light's wrists and held it up for him to see the slight trembling. L would know too, he'd spent most of that morning reading them off and translating them into different languages just to annoy Light. Light shrugged.
"Stalker maybe? It wouldn't be the first time." He said shaking his head and pulling his hand away.
"Light-kun's super-ego knows no bounds." L said with a nod. "It is good to see that somethings do not change." Light snorted and glanced out the window-
Red eyes flashed from in the shade and Light blinked rapidly rage and fear rushing through him.
"Light-kun?" L said curiously. Light glanced back at him and noted that he had wound an arm around L pulling him tightly against him despite how irrational it was.
"L don't leave my side today, not even for a moment." Light said softly. L tensed and Watari glanced at him from the rear view mirror.
"Light-kun?" Watari said curiously.
"I have a bad feeling, a very bad feeling." Light said softly his gaze intense.
"Of course Light-kun." Watari said with a nod. "I will stay close by as well; we can inform the office that you are under protective detail until the Kira case is closed." He said smoothly. Light generally didn't like the idea of being followed around all the time but he'd grown used to Watari trailing along and it would be slightly more calming to have a trained sniper on hand.
"Thank you." He said glancing back out the window. But the eyes were gone leaving a chill in him that he couldn't quite understand.
#$% #$% #$% #$%
"I see now that Light-kun wasn't exaggerating when he talked about girls following him around." L said with wide eyes as he and Light struggled to keep the doors closed protecting them from the raging fan girls.
"Is this a part of the Japanese culture Light-kun?" Watari said looking slightly worried himself as he helped them by finding the small octagonal key and locking the others out. Light sighed.
"It's only because I was on the news recently, this happened when I made top grades in the whole nation in primary school, I did one interview and had to install double locks on all the doors to our house. Eventually my father had to have a few of his men wait in front of our house for a few days to discourage them." Light said stepping further into the empty gym with trepidation.
"I never read about any of this." L said narrowing his eyes. Light huffed.
"It was embarrassing really, for our whole family; father made sure there were no records of it and forbid me from doing interviews again." Light said his gaze turning distant.
"We'll be late for your lecture at this point." Watari noted.
"No." Light said smirking as several guys rushed in gesturing wildly with their hands. "We'll get there." He said grasping L's wrist and dragging him along after him.
"I thought this might happen Yagami-san, the moment I heard about what happened I got the other guys together." The tall dopy looking guy with wild hair said grinning.
"Light-kun?" L said somewhat amused as he was dragged along.
"Oh hiya! We're Yagami-san's loyal-"
"And mischievous!" Another shorter guy who's cap seemed too big for his head.
"Anti-Stalker Team." The guy said in horrible english with a wide grin.
"Ryuuzaki Hideki pleased to meet you." L said with wide unblinking eyes as the one boy pulled out a set of keys.
"We managed to get the janitor to help us out Yagami-san." One of the guys said as the door was opened.
"This is a direct rout to your lecture hall." The other said with a nod.
"Light-kun?" L said curiously his body subconsciously moving closer to him.
"They were having trouble in high school." Light said moving closer in worry.
"We were failing." One of the guys said bluntly.
"Thought about dropping out, joining one of the street gangs."
"But then Yagami-san decided to tutor us."
"He was pretty forceful."
"But we graduated because of him."
"We'd be on the streets if it weren't for him."
All of this was said as they made a rush through the empty hall and towards a wheelchair access only elevator.
"Hey what happened to the old guy that was with you?" One of the guys said curiously.
"He'll turn up." Light said wryly. L glanced at him and gave him a small smirk as they stepped into the elevator.
And here L had been trying to convince him that school was boring.
The doors opened and the other guys took a quick look around before nodding back at him.
"Alright Cheesy go make a distraction." The taller of them said. Light didn't wait to see what happened after the short knit capped kid darted through the crowd and screams let out. He was busy rushing L to the classroom without being seen. Luckily they managed to slip through before anyone could notice him too distracted by the nonsense going on outside. Light walked sedately to his seat looking for all the world as though nothing had happened. Watari's eyes glittered as he pulled out Light's seat for him.
"Ten minutes early Light-kun, well done." He said amused. L shook his head slowly and pushed his face into Light's shoulder sniggering lowly his body shaking with the effort not to laugh. Light stared at him stunned. That was the first time he'd seen L laugh. That he was the one to do it was a good feeling, it lit something up inside him and his earlier darker anger was eased a bit by the sound. Light glanced up when the professor cleared his throat and snorted when he realized how awkward and exaggerated L's laughter actually was, but really it fit L's personality. L sobered after a moment and hid his mouth with a large hand.
"Light-kun." He said with wide eyes his voice muffled a bit.
"It's good to hear you laugh Ryuu." He said schooling his features. L sniggered again before shifting in his seat and pulling a lollipop from his pocket opening the wrapper with a loud obnoxious sound. Light sighed and opened his bag pulling out his notebook not responding to L's obvious ploy to annoy him.
Watari covered his laugh with a delicate cough.
% #$% #$% #$% #$%
"FINE! TAKE IT TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!"
Mogi watched in shock as Kyosuke Higuchi collapsed forward in his seat his head lolling to the side.
"That's…" Ide said softly.
"Just like Misa-chan and Light-kun." Aizawa whispered.
"Shit." Mogi whispered. "What the hell is this? Some sort of demon possession?" He hissed.
"There's no way they would otherwise." Ide said shaking his head. "I've known Light-kun since he was four; he wouldn't hurt a fly, not to mention that he took the shot for L- Kira wouldn't have done that." He said shaking his head.
"So what exactly is Kira?" Aizawa said rubbing his face.
"Shinigami?!" Mogi said half exaggerated. The silence followed him though.
Shinigami?
It couldn't be!
But- people dying without any weapon, no evidence? People simply forgetting that they were Kira? What else could it be?
"Okay…hypothetically speaking, say it was a shinigami." Ide said slowly.
"Hypothetically." Mogi agreed quickly.
"And say it was Light-kun that was the first Kira…how would the shinigami convince someone like Light-kun to kill hundreds of people?" Ide said holding out a hand in disbelief. The others stared forward not truly willing to believe it but knowing that it was their duty to revisit the idea. Mogi was the first to understand his face paling and his eyes widening as he lifted his head causing them to catch the thought.
"His family." They chorused.
#$% #$% #$% #$%
Light felt a tingle along his spine all day, as though something was wrong, something he couldn't quite figure out. L noticed of course as had Watari but aside from a few sideways looks neither of them had mentioned his distracted state. Though he did note that the number of agents keeping watch on them increased as the day went by. With his last class of the day done though and Light's shifting grown more noticeable L couldn't hold back any more.
"Light-kun looks worried." L said softly.
"I have a bad feeling." Light said frowning. And didn't that sound insane?
"Shall we call the investigation team?" L asked curiously.
"I think I'm just being paranoid." Light said with a wince. He didn't want to talk to the investigation team, if he could he'd forget every moment of the last three years and return to just being Light, star student and perfect son. L seemed to read his thoughts- which was odd considering that L had a hard time understanding anyone else, though Light supposed that it could be a side effect of seeing Light as a criminal he wanted to catch for so long.
"It is nearly time for you're next dose of medicine Light-kun." Watari reminded. "The doctor did mention that the medication might make you jittery." The man said with a nod. Light nodded slowly though he didn't believe it, something was wrong. He sighed and slipped into the car with L.
"I hope mother has lunch ready I am hungry." Light said instead.
"Yes I believe she was going to make your favorite today to celebrate you're return to school." Watari agreed lightening up a bit. Light smiled slightly and watched the trees pass. Eventually he frowned.
"It's spring." He said dully. Watari glanced at him from the rear view mirror.
"January twenty-third to be precise." He said with a nod. Light swallowed.
"I missed Christmas with them." He said softly. Watari glanced up at him again and nodded solemnly before returning his gaze to the road.
"I was unaware that your family was in the habit of celebrating Christmas." L said with a frown. Light shrugged.
"Everyone celebrates it here." He said.
"Oh dear." Watari said softly. Light frowned and leaned forward to look out the windshield.
Police cars….ten of them...in front of his house.
Light fumbled with the lock as panic grew and increased ten fold.
"Light-kun..!" L said alarmed. Light forced the door to open and pushed out of the car pushing L off of him and stumbling out. He made a run for his house bolting past an officer and through the front door-
"Light-kun…" Mogi said looking pale. But Light could hardly see him past the dizzy feeling.
ALL HAIL KIRA!
Written in blood.
On his living room wall.
"N-Nonoonononon-no!" He pushed past Ide ignoring the pain in his shoulder where two of the bullet wounds tore open.
They were-
-Were-
"Oh god." Light turned his head and threw up violently. His mother and sister- why? Why was Sayu home? She should have been at school…why?
A banner hung above them.
WELCOME HOME LIGHT!
He felt his heart break.
A surprise party…a welcome home party…
Oh god…
Sayu…
His mother…
Torn to pieces…
Eyes- the eyes were gouged out and, and fingers…thumb and index finger on the right hand, the one you write with.
Slim arms wrapped around his middle as he fell to his knees.
The fingers you write with.
"L…L why?" He whispered. "Why L? Did-is this my fault too?" He breathed. Kira…kill Kira…Kira is dead…Kira-but why are they?" He couldn't speak, couldn't make sense of it. He'd been to hundreds of crime scenes far worse than this one but this…
"I am…I am sorry Light-kun." L said his voice trembling. "I am most certain that this is B's handy work." L said quietly. Light blinked slowly.
"B?" He whispered. But why? Why would B attack his family?
"Light-kun…" Aizawa was shifting from one foot to the other back and forth before glancing at the others. "I'm sorry Light-kun but there is something that you need to see." The man said with a nod from Mogi. Light nodded slowly.
No….
No….
Sayu…
His mother…
His father…
He had done this.
His family was paying the price for his crimes.
And that was perhaps the worst punishment of all.
#$%^#$%^#$%^#$%^#%
Light felt his breath catch as he stepped into the dimly lit room.
"I told you I didn't want any part of this!" He snapped finally his voice nearly hysterical. He'd been calm for a majority of the ride here, just staring ahead in shock while L clutched his hand. Now though he was stiff, eyes wild.
"I'm afraid you don't have any choice Light-kun." Ide said softly before turning to the screens and pushing a button. The image of Misa appeared on the screen from back when she had been interrogated.
"No more! I give up!" She cried out. She shook her head and then nodded briefly before slumping forward.
"Misa-Misa-chan?" L's voice came out warped and mechanic. Misa raised her head slowly.
"Hey…Hey what is this?!"
"Misa-chan-" The image froze and Ide lifted another remote pointing to another screen. In this one Light was bound and blindfolded panting slightly.
"Alright…" he said tiredly. "Alright I give up; I give up this farce…" And then Light's head was sinking down into his chest.
"Light-kun?" L was saying over the microphone. Light lifted his head.
"Where-? Hey what is this? Why? Ryuuzaki let me out-"
In real time Light could already see where this was going as Kyosuke Higuchi's image appeared on the screen tied to a chair and panting his eyes blindfolded. The man groaned and grit his teeth hard before-
"FINE! TAKE IT! TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!"
Before his head dropped forward.
"Wh-What is the meaning of this?! I'll sue! Get me out of here!"
The screen flickered off and Light stared at it vaguely.
"I don't…" He blinked slowly.
"Remember?" Ide said nodding slowly. "Neither does Kyosuke Higuchi, or Misa-Misa, though we've already put them through severe psychotherapy to try to uncover the lost memories. So far there is nothing, though the doctors did find severe swelling in both their temporal lobes when they ran a cat scan." He said with a nod. "We checked the exam done to you while you were in the hospital as well; there are signs of the same trauma." He said with a nod. Light shook slowly.
"What…what…?"
"Our theory is that someone approached you, and Misa, and Kyosuke Higuchi." Mogi said with a nod.
"They used some form of hypnosis." Aizawa said pointedly.
"And threatened your family." Ide said grimly. "To ensure that the hypnosis remained until you said a key phrase, which would cause you to forget ever having met them."
"Misa-Misa's family was already dead though." L said quietly. Mogi shrugged.
"It's a theory in progress." He said with a nod. "We don't know what they might have held over her head, but every one has a breaking point."
"Then I was Kira?" Light said his voice ragged, he almost…almost hoped that they would find out, that he could be punished and be done with it.
"No, not exactly." Ide said shaking his head.
"You were chosen to lead me off Kira's trail." L said in realization. "But that would mean that Kira approached you again, tried to get you to do become a diversion for him again because you were the best fit- but you wouldn't do it." L said staring at Light with wide eyes.
"So Kira controlled the chief." Aizawa said somberly. "And killed him just before he could kill Light-kun." He said his voice thick.
"And when Light-kun still wouldn't do it…" Ide said somberly. L stiffened.
"Earlier today you said you heard a voice." He said his face pale.
"He sent B to kill them because I refused to help." Light said coming to the conclusion they were leading to. Light swallowed. It fit so perfectly, without even trying, that there was no way that it could be coincidence.
The writing on the wall.
All hail Kira.
B had done this to keep him cleared of all suspicion.
B had killed his family to keep him innocent.
It was his fault…again.
"Light-kun?" L whispered.
"I don't…what…" He sank down his legs giving out from under him.
"Light-kun your wounds!" He heard Watari say distantly.
The world was getting smaller and his chest hurt.
He clutched at it in agony and shouting surrounded him.
He felt as though there was a weight there, boring him down.
Was he going to die?
Did he even care any more?
#$% #$% #$% #$% #$%
He wanted to believe that it was all just a bad dream, that he had been in a coma, none of it had happened. He was going to wake up and find L there watching him while Watari served tea. His father would be too busy to visit of course but his mother would be there, upset but glad that he was alive. Sayu would scold him but that was just because she was scared and didn't know what to do- Light smiled faintly as he imagined it. It was all just a bad dream, perhaps he had seen the future as a side effect of the piece of the death note Ryuuk had fed him? He could change it all now, make it better, he could change that fate.
Light-kun. Wake up.
He shivered at the sound. He could stay asleep a little while longer couldn't he? He could go back to that dream, back to the time where his biggest problems had been trying to gain his father's attention without disappointing him. A time where sheer boredom seemed to be the only threat to his life…
"Light-kun, wake up now."
But it all came crashing down on him as his eyes snapped open regardless of what he wanted.
Everyone was dead.
It was just him now.
He sucked in a painful gasping breath and arched from the bed his eyes wide as agony raced through him. He breathed loudly and heavily as though each was his last and his body trembled shivering. He was cold, so cold, and they were dead, and L was watching him with wide eyes.
They were gone.
And the only thing he could think to do was cry.
Because he knew intuitively that he'd just survived the death note.
He couldn't die.
He could never ever die.
And gods did he want to die right now.
"Light-kun." L whispered softly not understanding his eyes wide. Light blinked slowly and blinked again as his vision blurred and returned to its self.
And there it was.
L's name.
Light let his eyes fall shut.
He didn't want to know. He didn't want to see the date beside L's name that pronounced when he would die, he didn't want that hanging over his head while he still lived.
"Light-kun we've dimmed the lights; you can open your eyes now." A woman said appearing pale and frightened by something. Light turned his head towards her voice and cracked one eye open sighing when her name remained unknown to him.
"Thank's" He croaked lifting his hands to wipe at his face.
"You had a heart attack." L said quietly. Light nodded slowly.
"I figured." Light said rubbing his face and then his bruised chest.
"But you are alive." L said after a moment. "No one else has survived Kira." L said tucking his chin into his knees.
"How do we know it was him?" Light asked curiously before drinking gratefully from a glass of water as it was placed at his lips by the nervous woman.
"Because B has admitted to being Kira all along, and he has sent us a letter stating that he killed you." L said frowning as though Light should know this. Should he know this? Light rubbed his aching head.
"Did I forget something again?" He asked after a moment.
"What is the last thing you remember?" L said softly. Light swallowed thickly and shivered- why was it so cold in here?
"My family, and then we were watching the feed of the interrogations." Light said taking a shaky breath.
"It has been forty-eight hours since we brought you here." L said with a nod. "It is my assumption that whomever the last Kira was has been terminated, Kira seems to be a separate entity, some refer to him as a shinigami, others like Kyosuke Higuchi referred to him as a demon or in Misa-Misa's case a guardian angel." L said with a nod. Light blinked slowly feeling oddly tired but nodded glancing at the woman who slipped out of the room without another word.
"Is it safe to be talking about Kira in front of her?" He asked curiously.
"She is one of my agents Light-kun." L said with a nod. Light frowned.
"Why was I brought here? If B thought he'd killed me then there would be no reason for him to come after me." He said shaking his head. L shrank slightly further into his crouch.
"Light-kun." Watari said softly. "It has been forty-eight hours since you were brought here, and seventy-two hours since you were confirmed dead." He said somberly. Light stared at him. "This is the morgue Light-kun." Watari said with a nod. Light shook slightly.
"That's impossible." He whispered his breath hitching.
"I have witnessed more than one impossibility today." L said softly. Light shook his head.
"No that is medically impossible are you sure I wasn't in a coma or something?" He said rubbing his face tiredly.
"Light-kun I am sorry but we performed several tests to prove that you were dead, rigor mortis had already begun to settle in." Watari said shaking his head.
"Our belief is that at some point B abducted you and performed several experiments on you." L said softly. "Similar to the ones he performed on me." He said picking at the skin on his hands as a nervous gesture. Light knew it must be bothering L, usually the man hid his nerves through some oral fixation or another.
"L cut his hand in the rush to get the EMP." Watari said softly. "Within moments it healed." He said quietly.
"But I'm…alive." Light said lifting his hand and touching his heart which was beating regularly.
"Light-kun, I know that you wish to no longer be a part of the Kira investigation team, but I fear that you have no choice." L said shaking his head. Light nodded his head slowly.
"What about school? I want to finish." He said as firmly as he could.
"You will complete your education at a specialized school." Watari jumped in causing L's eyes to widen slightly before returning to normal.
"Yes, that would be good; however…I find the thought of being separated from Light-kun detestable." L said quietly. Light blinked slightly. Well they were friends he supposed, and L was still very much traumatized from his time spent in B's hands. Light grit his teeth.
"No, I'll join the team again. I want to catch B, I want-" He swallowed thickly and his eyes fell closed. "I want to kill him." He admitted no matter how dangerous it could be to say so. When he opened his eyes though L simply nodded.
"I do not think you are Kira any more Light-kun. It is natural to want to kill the person who has destroyed your life. I too sometimes find myself musing over thoughts of how best to murder B." He said confidently. Watari snorted slightly before leaning over and wrapping a blanket around Light's shoulders.
"Until we find B I think it would be wise for him to be unaware that Light-kun has survived lest he decide that the experiment was a success and continue to perfect it using other innocent people." Watari said with a smile as he handed Light a steaming cup of tea. L simply stood.
"I'm tired of talking in a refrigerator." He said blandly before grasping Light's free hand and tugging. Light snorted and handed his tea back to the amused Watari before slipping a leg off the edge of the flat table he was laid out on.
"Err, can I have some clothes?" He asked curiously. L frowned.
"I don't care if you are naked Light-kun; I have seen you naked before." He said insistently. Light sighed and wrapped the blanket around his waist and into a clumsy knot at his side. When he turned back L's eyes were trailing his front in a calculating way.
"L?" Light asked tilting his head to the side.
"Don't die again Light-kun." Was all L said before turning and tugging a rather confused Light out of the room.
"L was quite distressed at your death Light-kun." Watari mused as he followed them out tea mysteriously gone from his gloved hands. Light took a moment to wonder where the tea had come from in the first place.
"Really? I thought you'd be glad to have me gone." Light teased only to grunt when a fist knocked into his jaw. L gazed at him with glittering dark eyes.
"Don't even joke like that Light-kun." L seethed. Light stared at him in shock before wincing as a slight tugging sensation rippled through the area where L had hit him, by the time L had dragged him down several hallways and through a familiar door Light felt no pain. Light stiffened slightly as they entered the room they had shared while Light had been cuffed to L.
"L…" Light said frowning.
"Light-kun will not leave my side again; Light-kun will stay with me at all times." L said stubbornly. Light frowned. His death…it had really shaken L hadn't it? He reached out with his free hand and found himself pulling L close. L sagged against him and trembled slightly. "Light-kun is still cold." He hissed before dragging Light to the bathroom and pushing him into the shower turning to taps on hot. He climbed in after Light not caring about his clothes and wrapped himself around Light unwilling to let him go. Light flushed slightly but wrapped his arms around L hoping to somehow calm him. He tried to think about what it must have felt like for L to lose Light. He wondered if it was anything like what Light felt when L disappeared and found himself pulling L even closer.
"I'm sorry L." He said softly as the water beat down on him.
"Light-kun isn't allowed to die again." L demanded. Light let out a dismayed laugh.
"L…L can I tell you the truth?" He said his eyes filling with tears. "I would rather have died than my mom and Sayu L…I'm not worth it." He rasped.
"Because you were Kira?" L asked quietly. Light stiffened. Of course L might not want to believe that Light was Kira, but there was still that doubt in him. Did it matter? Did it truly matter any more? He deserved whatever L dished out but-
"I'm scared L." He whispered.
"Who is Light-kun scared of?" L asked softly. "Me? Kira? B?" He offered. Light felt himself sag slightly against L.
"I'm scared of me L." He whispered. L tensed.
"Why?" L asked softly slowly forcing himself to relax. Light felt his tears start afresh. B had sorted everything out so well, had given him an out- he could walk out of this an innocent man- but he wasn't innocent, and his family had paid the price for it. And he couldn't even die. They could torture him for the rest of his miserable existence and it still wouldn't be enough, not enough to wash the blood off his hands, not enough to bleach the memory of their mangled bodies in his mind's eye.
"Hurt me L, break me, make me suffer until all I see is red, kill me again and again and again-" His voice broke. "I know your name L." He whispered causing L to tense against him. Light swallowed thickly. L was afraid of him…it made his heart ache. "I won't use it! Never!" He wrenched away from L and scrambled through the drawers of the bathroom.
"Light-kun!" L said alarmed. Light caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and his fist reeled back lashing out. NO! His hand shattered the mirror in a satisfying crunch but it wasn't enough. He needed to destroy his hands, trap his fingers, rip them off like B had ripped off Sayu's and his mothers. They needed to break and bleed and never be used again-!
"Light-kun?! Light-kun! Light!" Some was grabbing him pulling him back from the shattered bloodied image of himself.
"No, no I'll hurt you!" He seethed "I'll hurt everyone!" He threw the arms off and scrabbled for a long sharp shard of glass.
"Light-kun!" Light was yanked back his wet feet slipping on the slick tile until he was falling back into L. The shard of glass glinted up at him as he stared at it and he stared at L's terrified reflection in the red smeared reflection. L…L was afraid of him. He felt the shard slip from his fingers and clatter against the floor.
"There is a note book." Light whispered his body shuddering as his mind caught up to him. But there was nothing that could stop him now. "Give me a knife L and I will cut off my own fingers." He swore.
"I'm pretty certain that, that isn't possible." L said his breath quivering. Light let out a choked laugh.
"You're right, of course you're right." He breathed trying to struggle free of L. But the man wouldn't let him go. Light sighed and relaxed. He could feel the injuries to his hands healing already. "I never thought it would be this way you know." Light whispered. "I knew…I knew it would be bad if anyone ever got the notebook but I didn't want it any more. Killing criminals sounds good and just when you can't see them, when they're far away and everyone says how great you are for getting rid of them. But I didn't want it, not after I realized it was real, I didn't want it at all, but if I didn't use it Ryuuk would get bored, he would get bored and he might kill me and take it away. I thought I could handle it, I thought it was better for me to kill them, to be like a god doling out judgment, then to face the fact that it was real, that I could kill just by writing a name in a book- what the hell is that? I thought it was a sick joke. It shouldn't be so easy, so clean, it was just like another homework assignment, and the more I did it the more I forgot that they were people. Just copying names down, making my father's work easier giving justice where the law had failed…it was right." He whispered.
His heavy breathing filled the silence.
"Until Misa-chan came to me, she was copying me, she was- I took the book away from her so that she couldn't kill me, and because I knew then that in the wrong hands the death note could hurt innocent people." He laughed. "What does it matter? Killing is killing, I was a murderer but I just couldn't admit it, I was everything father ever hated but at least then he was finally acknowledging me. It's cheap isn't it? That after all that, even when I wanted to get rid of it, he was probably the real reason I kept doing it. Part of him was glad to see them die; there was a satisfaction there, in seeing these people finally pay for their crimes. Part of him probably knew all along but it was only when I started changing- when I stopped listening to him-"
"Light-kun." L said quietly. Light shook his head.
"Not yet I know you're recording this." He said his eyes half closed. "Watari is probably watching, ashamed of me…he should be. But I'm not done yet L, because the worst of it is that I still don't care about those criminals. It was just a game, a competition against you, against my father- something to ease the boredom to get my mind to stop trying to claw its way out of my head in frustration at how easy everything was. It wasn't real until you came too close, until I let the death note go and let you take me in. You-" He broke off and turned to look a L seeing for the first time just how much L had come to mean to him. It scared him, more than admitting that he was Kira, more than admitting that he was flawed it scared him to know that L was all he had left. Everyone else was dead…he'd killed them. "L…" He whispered. Dark fathomless eyes stared at him for a long moment.
"Watari turn off the recording." L said quietly. Light didn't know if it went off or not, he couldn't even think about camera's when L was leaning closer and brushing their lips together in a chaste kiss his hand coming up to caress his cheek. "Now," L said quietly his breath hot against Light's tingling lips. "Tell me everything Kira."