"I-I can't do this Mike. I'm so sorry." We were standing meters apart yet I could see the denial in Mike's eyes, and it hurt.
"Wh-what do you mean? What can't you do?" Mike asked closing the distance between us, making it near impossible for me to follow through with my words.
"Please don't make this harder than it already is Mike." I whispered taking a tentative step back.
"Y-You're not doing this. You can't do this! Not after everything we've been through." Mike exclaimed taking a step towards me, placing a gentle hand on my cheek.
"This is the only way I can keep you safe Mikey." I whispered as I shook off Mike's hand.
"Bu-" Mike began before I cut him off.
"Please. I have seen too many people get hurt, too many people die because of me and I can't do that to you. My best friend died tonight and it was an eye opener. We can't be together. Please try to understand." I spat out the words quickly so I wouldn't change my mind. I took a step away seeing the hurt and sadness in Mike's eyes. So much of it that I had caused. Spinning around on my foot I began to walk away.
"But I love you." Mike spoke clearly still in shock, not quite understanding what had just happened. I froze mid step as a single tear betrayed my composure, falling down my cheek.
"I love you too." I said in a barely audible whisper, before continuing out of the small room. It took all of my power to not run back to Mike, embrace him, tell him I'm sorry, kiss those perfect lips of his. But I couldn't do any of that, not if I wanted to keep Mike safe.
I took a deep breath once I got outside the room, appreciating the fresh air. The night was dark and warm, but there was a cool breeze that ruffled through my hair, letting the leaves dance on the pavement. All of a sudden I felt myself crumble, everything that had happened the past few years resurfaced, coming back to haunt me, and I let out a frail laugh. I had been so good at burying all my emotions, all the pain from keeping secrets, and now here it was coming from a break up. I swear it would be enough to make anyone laugh.
"I would have expected to see you crying." Spencer sat next to me, announcing her entrance. She took one look at me and began to laugh too. There were thousands of tears running down my face, I could tell my eyes were red and puffy with mascara running down my cheeks.
"What's wrong with me Spencer? Back in New York I broke up with guys easily, no tears shed, what's changed?" I asked wiping my cheeks of tears. I still had laughter in my voice, but it was derived from self-hatred. Mike didn't deserve to get hurt the way I had hurt him. It wasn't fair.
"You developed something called feelings." Spencer joked, tightly squeezing my arm.
"You're probably right." I shrugged knowing full well that I had once had a heart of stone. The only people I cared for being my brothers...and Jason. I cared about Jas more than anyone in the world.
"Hunny, don't say that!" Spencer scolded attempting to make me feel better, but I brushed her efforts aside.
"I just...why Jason? Why kill my best friend?" I asked staring Spencer straight in the eye. I laughed harder when I saw the shocked look enter her eyes at the words 'best friend'
"You were friends with Jason?" Spencer spat, clearly still shocked.
"He kept me sane when I wanted to strangle my brothers, I kept him sane when he wanted to strangle Ali. He had other ways of dealing with his life in Rosewood, but I was trying to get him clean. Trying to help him, I haven't spoken to him since Ali's funeral. Why would A want to hurt their family even more? Two kids dead? It's not fair." The words seemed to spill from my mouth faster than I could carry one particular thought.
"A is a bitch." Spencer laughed letting me fall into her body. Spencer was right, A was fucked in the head. We sat this way for a while, Spencer letting my tears fall on to her shoulder. I wanted desperately to rewind time, back to Ali's funeral, take back my words. Make sure Jason knew that I still loved him, that he was still, and would always, be my best friend.
"Lets go inside." Spencer spoke calmly once I had finished crying. She stood up taking me by the hand, but I refused to move from the cool ground. When Spencer clicked on to why I wasn't moving she continued, "Don't worry! Mike is with Aria, talking to her. He doesn't want to be around all us happy people. Especially not Noel. You need to be with us though. Get that smile back."
"Especially not Noel?" I asked not too sure what she was getting at. What did Noel have to do with anything?
"Umm, I shouldn't have said that." Spencer quickly said, rushing back towards the lake house.
"Spencer!" I called quickly following her, I wanted to know what she was talking about. I caught up to her when she had finally taken a seat inside the laughter filled room and I could sense the mood change when I entered. This is why I wanted to stay outside.
"You bitch!" Aria screamed from the opposite doorway. I took the insult knowing that I deserved it, knowing that what she said was true.
"What did we tell you Niki?" Blake asked reflecting Aria's anger. I took a deep sigh before answering, this was going to be a long night.
"To not fuck around with guys." I replied, knowing what Jesse was going to say now.
"Then why did you break up with Mike? He's a mess!" Jesse exclaimed as predicted. I had gotten it right word for word.
"I broke up with him to keep him alive, safe. You saw what happened to Jason, he's dead because of me!" I exasperatedly replied, receiving the same look from Aria and Hanna that Spencer had given me.
"Jas and her were best friends..." I could hear Tom filling in the girls and I smiled at his words.
"Did you even love Mike at all? Or was this just another of you're games?" Aria asked once Tom had finished talking. I was taken aback at her words and couldn't seem to form an answer.
"Was Mike just another guy to you? I bet it was easy breaking his heart, you had a lot of practice with guys back in New York." Blake added and I seethed with anger. How the fuck could they say that, were they serious? Everyone looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. Did they seriously not know the answer?
"Fuck you all! I can't believe you really had to ask that, I can't believe..." I trailed off searching for my car keys, finding them on a hook near the door.
"Can't believe what?" Tom asked me with kind eyes, at least kind compared to everyone else.
"Right now? Can't believe that I'm even here when I'm clearly not wanted." I angrily replied storming my way out of the lake house. Were they all seriously that dim-witted to not know if I loved Mike or not? I loved him with every ounce of my being, I loved him more than I had ever loved anything else in my life and here they were questioning it. Well if I really was that heartless and cold I guess I didn't need them. I would revert to my old ways. I mean it seemed to work for me in New York. I didn't get hurt back then, especially not by my friends and my brothers.