Well, here we are at the end. It's amazing how much not being in work and not having coursework does for creativity! Thank you to everyone who's persevered with this fic, I hope you enjoy this final instalment. Please read and review
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"… the mages didn't come back… and neither did Juvia, thank the Maker. But the carnage they left was impossible to undo. The survivors… well, the few of us that made it, gathered the bodies and laid them to rest in the Carta's crypt. Well… Bartrand took on more of a… 'supervisory' role than a 'productive' one. But still, eventually we had done all that we could.
We all knew that it wasn't enough, though. The Carta had been destroyed. No one had escaped unscathed. No one hadn't lost someone. Even my brother got misty eyed when Ferdinand carried his wife down into the crypt… only to then carry his daughter down to lie beside her.
Bellam, of course, was laid next to his son.
One by one, people took to the road, scarred by what they had seen and haunted by the ghosts left behind. Bianca and I had one journey yet to make, however…"
…..
The wind took his breath as they made their way along up Sundermount, but he steeled himself against the gusts as he was sure Bianca did.
She hadn't told him what this was about… although he was sure it was something to do with what she had been talking to Ferdinand about, glancing furtively over to where he had sat, as if making sure he wasn't within ear-shot.
He wasn't sure why the business between them somehow required him to walk all the damn way up Sundermount, but it seemed oddly reassuring to take the unexpected trip down memory lane.
Eventually they came to a familiar clearing and Bianca came to a halt.
"Do you know where we are?" She asked simply.
"This is where we first met." He answered immediately. "And where you nearly beat Ferdinand to death."
When she turned to face him, there was a wetness in her eyes and a wistfulness in her thin smile that he didn't like. "Yes, Varric, this is where I first saw you… and thought 'Ancestors! Bartrand's really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one…'"
"And now we've come full circle…"
"No. We may be standing in the same spot, but we're not the same people anymore."
"Bianca, why did you call me…"
"Things have changed. We've lost friends and family, and I've become someone I barely recognise… If it hadn't been for you, I'd have killed Juvia… the same way I killed Bellam. I felt a rage I've never felt before… a hatred like nothing I've ever known. There's a darkness in me that needs to be locked away.
But I want you to know… I do love you. Of course I do. You are the one thing that I have left to cling to. But that's not fair. To cling to you is to drag you down. And I care too much to do that…"
Varric's heart rushed. Words he'd been hoping to hear for so long, but now all they did was grip him with fear. Why bring him here to tell him this… and why use his name? Unless…
His expression must have told her that he had realised her purpose because her wistful smile became a wince and her misted eyes began to shed.
"I told you once, didn't I? The day I stop calling you 'Newbie, is the day we'll never see each other again. Surely you remember that?"
"No." He shook his head.
"It's my choice. I'll go to the Deep Roads, back to the stone."
"No. You can't." Was all he could say.
What else was he supposed to say? What else was he supposed to do? All he knew was how unbearable the world would seem without her. How much darker each day would be knowing she wasn't there. The pain gripped him, choking his attempts at a more eloquent response.
"We'll join the Legion of the Dead. Ferdinand is coming with me, I'll be fine…"
"Please…" Tears fought through his defences and Varric let them fall. What else could he possibly lose? "I can't do this without you…"
The thought made him want to throw himself at her feet and beg.
"Varric. There is no life left for me to live. And I'm not going to take yours. This way I can make amends for the wrongs I have committed, and I'll spend the rest of my days knowing I'm keeping you safe."
"This is bullshit." Varric choked out, the vehemence in his voice surprised himself as much as it had clearly surprised her. "You're punishing yourself! For not saving Juvia… for Bellam… for your Grandfather… why are you so determined to destroy yourself for people who didn't care enough to consider you?! How can you say you love me without realising you'll destroy me too..?"
Bianca recognised his anger as the pain that it was and closed the distance between them. Her arms wrapped firmly around his neck, her face buried itself in his shoulder. He could feel her tears soak through the thin fabric of his tunic. "Please understand," her muffled voice spoke into the fabric, "that loving you does not stop me from hating myself."
His arms returned her embrace. "Please understand, that loving you has meant everything to me. And if you leave me, I will have nothing left."
"You'll move on. You'll find someone else."
"I will never find someone else." He stated firmly. And he meant it.
Her head raised, and their gazes met. Unflinching and unapologetic. "There's one last thing. That brother of yours. He may be the lowest life-form in Kirkwall. He may be the lowliest slug to ever slide across the dirt. He may be the worst person ever to have taken breath and the most abominable fuckwit to ever cross my path… but…. He is your brother. And he is the only one you'll ever have. Care for him… because believe me… there is no worse pain…"
He took her in. Once, he had admired how sunlight suited her. How it made the reddish hues in her hair shimmer and how it made her eyes light up. To lose her to the darkness of the Deep Roads, and whatever demons she now carried seemed… "I'm not so sure about that…"
She leaned in and pressed her lips to his, a kiss which he returned. He had often imagined what it would be like, to caress her in this way, but he could never have anticipated the surge of affection he felt, the passion of her embrace… and the unrivalled despair that made his tears fall.
They had tonight at least…
…
"That was the last time I ever saw her. When I woke the next day, she was gone, leaving only a note where she had lain. It turned out the 'present' Bellam told me about was a design for a new crossbow, an address where I could get this amazing new crossbow made… and a letter telling me how much she would miss me…
It was obvious the two of them had spent quite some time designing my new toy, automatic reloading and everything… But still, it was a bitter sweet reality to know that I would never see the two people who had meant the most to me in the world. It was almost as if they had intended for it to be a parting gift…" When Varric wiped at his stinging eyes he wasn't surprised to see the glint of tears upon his fingertips.
How long had it been…? Every year that passed, her memory became more and more faded. The light that had glinted in her eyes became duller and the brightness of her smile was becoming more difficult to recall. As soon as he had realised that, he had started to tell the story to himself, not wanting a single minute detail to slip from memory. He knew one day, that he would let something slip, but he was damned if he would let it go willingly.
"Told you, Elf, I'm not repeating the ending…" He told the sleeping man in the chair opposite. Fenris's chest rumbled with his snores and his tankard remained limply in his hand… half full, Varric noted.
Had he been in any humour, he would have taken note of every embarrassing detail. But the merchant was not in the mood and decided upon a night cap…
He made his way to the door and pushed himself drunkenly through it.
How was she? Was she still alive? Did she still think of him…? Did she still love him?
His wistful thoughts were swiftly taken however when he sensed a shuffle behind him. As he turned, he took in the sight of the young blonde woman, her brow furrowed with concern, yet her eyes wide with pity.
"Hawke." He acknowledged, "How long have you been there?"
"Long enough." Came the simple reply.
"You didn't hear any of that… do you hear?"
"Varric, why have you never said anything?"
"Why? Because I knew she would be gone when I woke up… but still, I fell asleep. That's why."
"Did you never think to go after her?"
His sarcastic chuckle was dry against his throat. He needed another drink. He gestured for her to follow him into the, now empty, tavern… well, except for the few unconscious, unwashed bodies slumped across various tables and in various chairs. Varric ducked behind the bar and picked out the bottle of whiskey, he plucked two glasses from the side and invited Hawke to take a seat by him.
Her eyebrow was raised quizzically as Varric poured a good measure of the spirit for them both. "I'll pay them back tomorrow… It's not the first time I've done this… And to answer your question, yes. I thought about it plenty. But she didn't ask my permission, so I don't see how I had any right to. Take it from me, my dear Hawke, you can't save people like Bianca." He paused, and shot her a meaningful look. "Or Fenris… not until they face down the war in their heads… and that's not a war you can or should fight for someone… damned if I wouldn't have fought it gladly though…"
She seemed wistful for a moment, as if taking is everything she was saying with a weighted measure… a stark contrast from her usual glibness. "Do you think either of them will ever win that war?"
Varric blinked, his eyes stinging from tears, as he took a swig from his glass. "I'm in the business of storytelling not future seeing. All I can tell you is what I know… they're left with naught but their demons, and we're left with naught but their ghosts, remember that, Hawke."
"Do you regret it? Not moving on I mean…"
He considered her question. The answer was, of course, no… but he supposed that she knew that already. "If I had to choose between having a plump little tisty tosty body in my bed and spending every day remembering what Bianca gave me and what she meant to me… then I would gladly take the ghost of what I had than settle for an illusion."
"Do you think you'll ever…" He could tell by the look on her face what she was about to say, so he cut her off…
"Will you? You know full well Fenris might never see his revenge pan out. Or maybe one of you will get cut down tomorrow… are you still willing to wait on something you don't know will come?"
The steeliness her eyes told him her answer before her lips even moved. "Yes."
"Why?" He pushed.
"Because I love him."
"You've answered your own question." He told her.
He was rewarded with a smile, she raised her glass to declare a toast. "To Bianca…"
"To Fenris." Their glasses clinked. "By the way Hawke… I'd appreciated it if no one else heard about this particular story."
She blinked. "What story?"