Coda to Episode 2.21 "The Vegas Renormalization" For HeathRow Tottie - you know why (though not exactly what you were thinking)! Also, while not explicit, there is discussion about masturbation, so T/PG-13 at least.
"Oh good, you're finally home."
"What were you doing at Penny's?"
"Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night."
"Huh."
"Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits."
"What?!"
"Why are you shrieking like a little girl? And come in and close the door, Leonard. Honestly, if I didn't know how excellently your mother reared you, I'd suspect you were raised in the same barn Penny was."
"Uh, can we go back to the whole you understanding the friends with benefits thing?"
"Leonard, you know I am uncomfortable not knowing something everyone else seems to understand, so I went to Penny because you weren't helpful and Wolowitz was crying."
"Oh, so you just talked. I get it now."
"Yes, though Penny was embarrassed by our frank intercourse; I must say, there's a reason she's a big ole five, Leonard. I never thought I'd say this, especially about a girl, but I was impressed by her handling of the...ahem...situation. She knew how uncomfortable touching was for me, but agreed coitus without accompanying emotional attachment was not only possible, but preferable."
"So, you and her…"
"Yes, we came together -"
"Sheldon, I don't need to hear about that! I can't even believe you'd do that to me."
"Do what? I wasn't doing anything to you, I was with Penny."
"Exactly! You know how I feel about her, and you know we're destined to end up together."
"I'm not so certain about that; we discussed you and she said despite your penchant to bring her mail, coitus wasn't in the offering. "All mail, no benefits," is how she termed it."
"Not now, but maybe in the future."
"Leonard, I say this as your best friend and someone who's recently gotten to know Penny very well, but you don't have a chance in Mama's Hell with that girl."
"You don't know that."
"I am a Physicist with a practical understanding of everything in the universe. And before you ask, yes, I do know who Radiohead is. Penny wouldn't shut up about them, so I googled it. And last night when I was in her bed, she played a CD for me so I could sleep. Their music was surprisingly effective as a white noise machine."
"I-I-I can't be here, not with you, not now. How...why...how do you get Penny to do...when you're you...and…"
"Leonard, are you having an attack of some cerebral kind? You're stuttering and sweating and not making sense. Well, most of the time that's how you operate, but right now it's worse than usual. Do you need for me to call emergency services?"
"I'm going to Raj's for the night!"
"Okay."
"Hey Sheldon, what's up with the shouting and slamming of the door?"
"Penny, you do know proper etiquette requires knocking and waiting for an invitation to come in, correct?"
Knock, knock "Sheldon"
Knock, knock "Sheldon"
Knock, Knock "Sheldon"
"Thank you; though it's a little late since you're standing in the door, but I have to adjust for these things in my life."
"Okay, weirdo, now that's out of the way, what's up with Leonard?"
"I have no idea, I was telling him about how you were kind enough to explain to me the concept of friends with benefits and then playing games with me before I retired to your bed."
"Uh, you did explain you were there alone and I was on the couch, right?"
"Why would I do that? It should be obvious since I am way too tall to sleep comfortably on the couch."
"Um, sweetie, he might've thought you meant something else especially when you're telling him about friends with benefits."
"Meant what, exactly? You are my friend and I do gain benefits from you."
"Remember how benefits mean sex?"
"Yes, but surely there are other kinds of benefits? And why would Leonard think...ohhh."
"Ding, ding, the light bulb just popped on."
"So he thought you and me had coitus last night."
"Possibly, depends on how exactly you phrased it."
"I said we came together -"
"Oh my God, you didn't say that!"
"Why wouldn't I? We did come together to a complete understanding of coitus without emotions, and my preference for it, if I actually had sexual feelings."
"Wait, you're telling me you never had a wet dream or choked the hog?"
"I have no idea what you just said."
"You know, wet dreams, when puberty hit and your boy parts became a man. And choking the hog, when you...your hand...on there."
"Are you talking about masturbation?"
"Yes."
"Well why didn't you just say so instead of hiding behind vague metaphors?"
"Because I'm embarrassed!"
"Why? Given what little I know about popular culture, it seems sex is on the brain of everyone. I can't go anywhere without someone speculating about who's having coitus with whom, where, and why. Even Leonard automatically suspected we had intercourse of the sexual kind last night just because I spent the night."
"And because of how you phrased it, Sheldon. Language is, and I can't believe I'm telling you this, very suggestible especially when you use certain words in certain situations."
"So intercourse and come are sexual?"
"Hngh."
"Why are you turning red?"
"You need to read that book we gave you!"
"Well, there's no need to slam the door. Honestly, maybe you and Leonard are meant to be together if that's how you respond to simple conversation."