The Charred Remains

Chapter 7: We Are What Remains

A/N: Major thanks and kudos to my, now, two amazing betas, MedlingAdler and Grizziesmom, both of whom you should all check out!

My Dearest John,

As you may know, following such a night as we just had described in my last letter, is the traditional morning after. I didn't sleep much following our activities, and not because I had any misgivings or fear of you slinking off in the middle of the night, but because I still couldn't believe we stepped over the traditional friend line. For so long I'd wanted us to become more than just flatmates, and it had finally happened. I had the foolish notion that you'd disappear if I fell asleep, so it was simple to just stay up all night, reveling in the intimacy we now shared.

Right before sunrise I started to worry how you'd react to waking up with me. I tried to shift away from you to leave you so we could talk when you were ready, but your arms tightened their hold around my waist. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I settled back in, waiting for you to wake up.

I had quite a bit of time to think while you were content to sleep on. I wondered what would become of us after such a night. You'd spent so much time with females, and for as long as I had known you, you only went on dates with females. I knew the prospect of a relationship with a man didn't bother you, but I didn't know how open you were to it. I started to wonder if we'd even be a proper couple after this, if it'd be a one off, or if we'd be friends with benefits. I don't have to tell you which one I'd hoped would be true, but I was willing, at the time, to give you whatever you needed because I just wanted to be close to you. I know it must sound a bit lovey to you, coming from me, but being able to write down all these things rather than look you in the eyes and tell you makes it much simpler to share…I find I'm more comfortable writing out what I might feel rather than talk about it. I'm still not very good at dealing with emotions.

But I fear I'm digressing. Back to the main point of this letter, the morning after, and what would come of our night. I found myself hoping you'd wake soon so I could quiet my mind, stop doubting things, thinking of worst case scenarios, and so on. I fear my mind is a difficult thing to control, but while we were together the previous night it had become silent. I hadn't noticed at the time because all of my focus was on you, but now, thinking about it…there was nothing in my head but you, which is a very rare occurrence.

At first when I realised this, I was shocked and a bit frightened. I didn't know what to think of the silence, but the more I contemplated it, dissected it, and remembered how it felt, I found that the silence was…oddly comforting. I was so used to thoughts, puzzles, problems, and the need for constant data to keep my head from exploding that I'd never once thought about what it'd be like to be free from all of that. I found myself grinning. Once I realised I had a mad grin on my face I ducked my head to press against your chest. It was rather frightening how ecstatic I was from a night of sex with you. I was almost frightening myself, I couldn't think of how my state of mind at the moment might affect you, but I didn't have to wait too long to find out.

You were slow to wake. I noticed the subtle shift in breathing as your chest dipped down deep, a yawn escaping your lips above my head. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that when you fully woke you wouldn't be shocked with me in your arms. I kept as quiet and still as I could until you started to fidget.

"Er, Jim, do you think you could roll forward just a little? My arm has completely gone to sleep," you said softly.

I imagine you were blushing as you asked, your voice always quivers very slightly when you feel embarrassed. I smiled to myself, but complied with your request and rolled forward a little. I felt you draw your arm back, a groan escaping your lips.

"Thanks, that feels much better," you said, the smile evident in your voice.

I finally turned to face you, our heads level while lying next to each other. I didn't know what to say to you.

You smiled softly. Even first thing in the morning you're gorgeous John. The sun lights your hair aglow, all golds, browns, and anything in-between. I reached towards you slowly so that I might not disrupt you and to give you a chance to pull away if you wanted. But you just leaned your head forwards. The tips of my fingers gently brushed the feathered ends of your hair across your forehead, revealing the deep oceanic colour of your eyes. I couldn't help but grin back at you. It was so hard to believe that this wasn't a dream; that I was actually with you.

Blissful silence settled around us for a few moments before you let out a sigh…that sigh. I watched you push yourself up to sit against the headboard. I remained where I was lying for a little bit before following suit.

"You do know we need to talk about this, right?" your voice was so quiet I almost had to strain to hear it.

I let out a frustrated breath, "Yes, of course I know we must John, but I already know what you're going to tell me," I managed to blurt out rather quickly, not even bothering to look at you.

It was quiet after I spoke so I chanced a look at you. You had a smug grin on your face with your left eyebrow cocked.

"Oh, what am I going to say? Enlighten me?"

I sighed, scrubbing a hand over my face, I think you enjoyed making me squirm. Not many people ever accomplish such a task. I glanced at you once more before fixing my gaze firmly on the duvet. It's much easier to speak to an inanimate object that it is to speak to you, which I now know was completely illogical, but…sentiment and all that.

I breathed in deeply, held it for a moment, then let it out slowly and began.

"You're going to tell me that this was a one off. It was something we kind of just fell into, given the high emotions from last night. Our lives were on the line. We were quite close to death. Sleeping together was just a way for us to relieve the stress and celebrate being alive. You date women. You may have had some blokes in the past, but you want a more stable future; a wife, kids, that whole lot." I had to look up then John so that I could convince you of the next words I was about to speak.

I smiled then, small and grateful, "I understand John, really. I'm not looking for more, and having one night together is perfectly fine. We can pretend it never happened. You can go back to your girlfriend and I'll just be me. It doesn't have to change anything at all between us. We're flatmates and friends. I'm fine with that…it's good, it works."

I was thankful in that moment that you were such a simple minded man, because then you could see right through every single one of those lies. I turned my head away so I didn't have to look at you while you confirmed everything I had just said. It was already hard enough to hear it once from my own lips. Before I could fully look away, however, you caught my chin and forced my gaze back to yours. I blinked, my face an impassive mask just waiting for you to get through with me. You forced our gazes to meet. Your lips curled into a small smile right before you spoke.

"Well I can see what you think of me now," you said lightly. I knew not to be offended because your voice had that teasing tone you liked to use so much. I huffed, rolling my eyes. I opened my mouth to respond to your remark, but you shushed me.

"No, it's my turn to talk and to tell you what I want to say. First off, everything you said before is complete shite. You should know that right now. I was completely in control of myself last night and I knew what I was doing. I am an adult, and I can say no, Jim. I would have had no qualms telling you to stop last night if it was something I really didn't want. I wanted last night just as much as you did. I don't regret what we did, and I don't want it to be a one off." You held your hand up again to stay me from speaking. I started to squirm a bit uneasily, wanting to speak, but you kept making me bite my tongue.

"No, I'm not done yet, Jim. You need to hear everything I have to say and want to say. You're right, I was into women. But you've been too busy lately to notice my lack of female companionship. I quit seeing them when I realised I was beginning to develop feelings for you. I really can't tell you when or how it happened. One night sitting in my chair, working my way through the crossword puzzle, I happened to look up and see you. You were sitting at your laptop, your bottom lip between your teeth as you nibbled it, deep in concentration," I shivered when your thumb caressed my lower lip, "It just slammed into my gut how vulnerable and human you are when you think no one can see you. You've got one of the most brilliant minds in London…the world, but at that moment, you were stuck with something. I watched you try to figure out whatever it was you were working on, and I just couldn't get over the fact that you are just like the rest of us.

"As I watched you my mind skipped back to all the moments I never noticed how human you really were. I realised I was beginning to feel much more than friendship towards you. My mind became stuck on the night you asked for my help in teaching you to kiss. The feel of your lips against mine…it was so hard to control myself. From that night on I decided to try and figure out your feelings, but I'm not as good with reading people as you are. I really had no idea how you saw me. Then last night at the pool, when I looked into your eyes, I saw the same worry, fright, and relief in your gaze as I knew must be in mine." You stopped speaking, and I think it was to allow me to fully absorb what it was you were saying.

I drew in a sharp breath, my eyes frantically searching each corner of your face to see if you were lying about anything you had just said. You sat with a smile, knowing exactly what I was doing. You were so confident that you actually straightened your spine. I felt my smile growing with each sweep of my gaze over your face.

"So you don't regret what we did?" I asked, my voice a near silent whisper.

You chuckled, shaking your head, "No. I thought I had made that pretty clear. I think I would like to try a relationship with you, Jim…you know…boyfriends?"

I cringed at that word. I hate that word. You frowned at me so I hastened to explain, "Not boyfriends, please, I hate such pedestrian labels," I felt my upper lip draw back in spite as the word came from my mouth.

You laughed again, nodding, "Alright. Alright, not boyfriends then. How about…partners?"

I perked up liking that word much better, "Partners," I repeated, almost fascinated by the word coming from my mouth in relation to you.

Your smile was infectious; I could feel it forcing itself onto my own lips. We both leaned towards each other, a chaste brush of lips shared between us.

"Sounds very, very good to me," you purred, your arms coming up to suddenly wrap around me to draw me into a more heated, much harder kiss that became a battle of tongue, teeth, and willpower.

I hardly think I need to continue on to what happened from there. For quite some time following this day, we were happy…quite happy indeed. Sure we had some arguments, sometimes you left the flat for a walk to clear your head, but it was nothing that we couldn't get over. We enjoyed two blissful months together until The Woman came into our lives.

I fear I probably left you with a bit of a cliffhanger there, but the story about her is much too long to include in this letter. You'll have to also forgive the over-the-top sentiment in this letter, but I couldn't seem to keep it out. This was one of the better days of my life, and I fear it uncorks my emotions.

Rest now, John. There aren't too many more things I have to write to you about, and I know how much you need your rest. I only hope you're listening to my advice at the end of these letters. As always, I cannot wait until I see you again. I only hope putting a face to the words helps and doesn't hinder your healing process. Goodnight, John.

Love Always,
JM

A/N: Know what motivates me to write faster? Reviews! Please tell me what you lot think! Also, thanks so much for making this a much bigger hit than I thought it would originally be. You are all so gorgeous and amazing!