House Targaryen
Oh, and I kind of made Renly Joffrey's cousin instead, just so it would work slightly better... I'M SORRY JESUS CHRIST NOBODY HURT ME PLEASE
Daenerys
Dany was woken up rudely by the doorbell ringing. Viserys had passed out outside the Lannister apartment the night before so it was probably him.
She answered the door and found Doreah outside. She slammed the door shut again.
"No, please, let me in."
"I don't even know you."
"I've seen all your baby pictures! Your brother told me you needed older female influences!"
"He was probably drunk when he said that."
"Daenerys, I will break the door down." Doreah whispered through the door, "Please let me in."
Dany reluctantly opened the door.
"What do you want? And where the fuck is Viserys?"
"He came by my apartment, he was pretty sloshed and the Khatchadourian family kind of just went off on him."
Dany facepalmed, "He's still alive, right? Drogo's brothers didn't rip him apart."
"Yeah, he's fine, but he told me to come over. I think you're gonna be like the sister I never had!" Doreah paused, "we should get our nails done."
"I went last week."
"We should go shopping."
"I don't have any money."
"I have credit cards and cash."
"What exactly did my brother say to you?"
"He said for me to bond with you."
"I bond with other people."
"Your boyfriend."
"You're pissing me off." Dany whispered, unable to think of a comeback. "Go away."
"I got this from your brother at 4 am, it's all the proof I need." Doreah showed Dany a video on her phone, it showed Viserys on a couch between two Armenian girls.
"Dany." said the video, "I'm at the Khatchadourian house, your boyfriend's sisters are whores and I hate them, go somewhere with Doreah, try not to kill her." the video ended with Drogo's sister Irri jabbing Viserys in the gut with a computer mouse. Doreah gave Dany an I'm-right look.
"Fine." Dany conceded, "I hope you know I'm not happy about this. Ha."
"Awesome!" Doreah shrieked, "let's take the subway, the subway is so chill but I don't know how to use it."
...
"Awww snap this is so chill." Doreah whispered on the subway platform, Dany was about ready to push her onto the tracks when the train pulled in. "Holy fridge, it's air-conditioned, hashtag-chill!"
"Have you actually never taken the subway before?"
"Nope. Well, once, but I don't remember it because I got really drunk at some Armenian wedding and passed the frick out."
"I'm not happy about this."
"Do I look like I care? I want a sister real bad and if Viserys and I get married-"
"Nooo, thats not happening."
"It would be pretty chill." Doreah said dreamily as they found a row of seats in the subway car. "He's pretty hot and your apartment is really dope." Silence. "So you're dating Drogo Khatchadourian? I used to babysit him because my parents owed his parents money and so they were at our house all the time. It was chill because my brother and his sister got married."
"So you can't marry Viserys because if you did Drogo and I would be almost kind of related."
"Eugh, not chill."
"STOP SAYING CHILL."
"Cool your jets, sis."
"Oh my God just stop please. It's painful listening to you."
Doreah leaned into Dany's ear, "Chill" she whispered. "Dope, hahaha. Am I in with the kids now?"
"Stop, you sound like Catelyn Stark."
"Chill, girlfriend."
"I've been planning your funeral for the past ten minutes."
"When Drogo was seven he made out with my sister."
"I didn't ask."
"He's loved before."
"Please break up with my brother."
Doreah cackled and started putting her hair up. "So where is it we're going?"
"I thought you knew." Doreah shook her head. "So you dragged me out against my will thinking that I was going to coordinate the excursion?"
"I AM A VERY TRUSTING PERSON!"
A woman with a cat on a leash shushed them,
"Mind your own bees!" Doreah shrieked, standing up. Dany facepalmed again. "She was all up in our bees."
Dany looked away in silence until they found themselves at Yonge and Dundas at the Eaton Centre.
"If you make a scene here, I will freak out." Dany warned.
"Har fucking Har, I'm your ride home."
"We took the subway here."
"... We need to be bonding." Doreah took Dany's hand and dragged her into the mall. "Hey I just realized, Doreah the Exploreah. Because I'm exploring the uncharted waters of bonding with my new little sister!"
"Stop hugging me, people are starting to stare." Dany was about to complain some more when she saw Joffrey going into Shoppers, he was dressed like a hobo. "Oh my god..."
"What?"
"Look at Joffrey, did Cersei and Robert finally kick him out?"
"He's dressed like a vagrant, you look better than him and his parents own Westeros Pines. Sorry, I shouldn't talk about your financial situation, I know it must be hard for you that Viserys is so unemployable."
"That's okay, I'm used to it." they followed Joffrey into Shoppers just in time to see him stuff the entire rack of toothbrushes into his sweater. Dany glanced over at Doreah who was holding her phone.
"Whats the number for 911?"
"Put your phone down, we're witnessing a crime."
Joffrey sprinted out of the store, leaving a trail of toothbrushes, one hit Doreah in the face.
"STOP THAT CHILD!" Doreah screamed, whipping a tube of toothpaste in Joffrey's direction, the people in the store ignored her and the manager muttered something about "all the crazy people come in off the street, they never pay..." Dany and Doreah chased Joffrey out of the store, but he was nowhere to be seen, then a toothbrush landed at Dany's feet, followed by a muffled cackle, another one flew over Doreah's shoulder and hit a small child in the leg.
"Turn around slowly." Dany whispered, Doreah ignored her and whipped around, pouncing into the space between the floor and the escalator, she tackled Joffrey into the light,
"Found the perp!"
"IM MAKING A NEW HATE LIST AND GUESS WHICH TWO BITCHES ARE TIED FOR THE TOP SPOT!"
"I bet it's Margaery and Arya. Shifty skanks." Doreah whispered.
"Talisa and I were wondering what you did in your spare time. You throw toothbrushes at children? God, is that all your pent-up rage?"
"I also shoplift."
"I NOTICED. Is that why nobody could find their toothbrushes that time in seventh grade on the overnight trip?"
"I had fun with that."
"Hahahaha, I'm telling your parents." Doreah giggled.
"It's gonna be hard to tattletale to my parents with two broken ribs! Where's that Dog at?"
A pissed-looking man with a burn on the side of his face appeared next to Joffrey,
"I'm not hitting them."
"Come on, it looks sooo dope!"
"Ha! I knew it!" Doreah squealed, "Y'all, I gotta call the fuzz."
"Please don't call the fuzz, my parents are gonna be so PO'd."
"You little yellow-haired shit! Im about to go all Armenian on your ass."
"Please don't." said Joffrey's Dog, "I'll get fired if you hit him, I need this job and the Baratheons are paying out the ass. I know it may be tempting, sometimes I sneak into his room with a butter knife and some strawberry jam to lull myself into a false sense of satisfaction."
"Dog, find me some paper, if these two bitches don't scat I'm gonna make a new Hate List and put them on top."
"Why do you threaten us with your lists? Literally nobody cares what you think of them."
"Guess I better call Arya and tell her she's been demoted to second most hated. Right above your precious Indian Burn."
"You mean Drogo?"
"I can't pronounce his name."
"It's five letters long-"
"DON'T BE SUCH A STARK RIGHT NOW, MY MOTHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"
"I'm not scared of her, you still don't have the power to evict us."
"My dad does."
"Your dad wouldn't evict us because if he did Illyrio would have him murdered."
"Joffrey, we have to leave, your mother called eight times while I was helping you shoplift." Joffrey's Dog deadpanned.
"Shit. I can't risk losing my frozen pizza rolls over this. I will track you down, Targaryen."
Joffrey grabbed the remainder of his toothbrushes and ran away, his Dog followed him.
"That was dope!" Doreah yelled, "We showed the little asparagus!"
"So the whole point of this trip was to catch Joffrey?"
"No I also wanted to bond with you!"
"You used me!"
"Sorry, sis-"
"I am not your sister."
"You will be soon!"
"You're not marrying Viserys."
Doreah was silent and looked away, "You're trippin', sis." They walked in silence for a few minutes, "So are you gonna marry Drogo and make precious little Khatchagaryen babies?"
"Don't ever say that again, you sick fuck."
"I can teach you how to make him happy."
"I just puked in my mouth a little."
"Love comes in at the eyes-"
"STOP!"
Arya
Arya was bored. Her parents were both at work, Bran and Rickon were at work with their dad. Robb and Jon were out. Sansa was about to leave.
"Can I come to the mall with you?"
"No. I can't have anyone from school seeing me with you."
"I can be chill."
"That's what I'm afraid of. The last time you tried to be chill, Ygritte almost died."
"So I almost hit her with mom's car, big whoop."
"YOU DROVE STRAIGHT AT HER YELLING 'MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY', Jesus Christ, I'm leaving, goodbye." Sansa grabbed the purse and left the apartment. Arya leaned against the door and pretended to talk on the phone,
"Hello? Police? My sister just abandoned me, I'm just a little girl-"
"Alright fine." Sansa came back into the apartment, "You are Satan."
...
"Arya Maisie Stark if you make a scene here, I swear I will send you home on the subway. I'm not kidding."
"I won't kill Ygritte if that's what you're referring to." Arya sassed,
"And you have to come into every single store with me, no whining."
"Bleh." Arya whined, "Hey, look, it's Dany and Doreah, I'm gonna go bother them." Arya ran started across the mall to where Dany and Doreah were standing. Sansa ran after her. "Hi!" Arya said, trying to be cute, "Hi hi hi hi hi!"
Dany smiled nervously and Doreah lost it,
"Who is this cutie?!"
"Hey! I'm 12."
"You're a mouse!" Doreah gushed, "I'm gonna put you on a glue trap with a piece of cheese!"
"I'm lactose-intolerant."
"I'm sorry." apologized Sansa, "My sister is a little asshole. Dany, you look really purple. Seriously, you're a grape right now."
"I don't want to be here." Dany complained, "This woman is ruining my life."
"She ain't being a chill sister." Doreah sassed, "Wanna come with us? Dany's complaining, but maybe I can put up with the two of you!"
Sansa shrugged and started walking with them, Arya was pissed. "So, Doreah, are you still hungover?"
"An inappropriate question, sister's friend. The answer is yes I am very hungover. I almost puked thirty times and twenty-eight of those times I was aiming at this one." she pointed at Dany. "She kept dodging but I kept swallowing it so I guess it's all chill with everyone."
"I don't like you." said Dany.
"I guess that's chill, then, you're making very hard for me to like you!" Doreah screeched back.
"I'm a chill kid." said Arya,
"The mouse speaks?" said Doreah, "You're a chill mouse."
Dany whined and facepalmed. "My own brother, why would he do something like this to me."
"You're a chill non-mouse." Arya smirked. "Ever almost killed someone?"
"One time I got tangled up with Irri Khatchadourian and almost strangled her with my leg. I'm very flexible and she had to go to the ER, it was karma, bitch was eating all my crescent rolls."
"I never liked her, shady mouse."
"Fuck, they're bonding." Sansa whispered, "We could probably just run away."
Daenerys
Viserys was pissed when they got back to the building, he was laying on the front desk with his shirt off, Benjen the doorman was sitting behind the desk about ready to strangle him.
"Took you ladies long enough, and you picked up two little drifters."
"Sansa and D'naynay ran away, those micey, micey bitches."
"Why are you laying on the front desk?" Arya questioned loudly.
"I've been asking that question all afternoon." Benjen whispered dangerously.
"Because, you little...aagggghhh... My apartment doesn't have air conditioning and the lobby does and I like to see who's coming into my FATHER'S APARTMENT BUILDING."
"You're turning me on a lot right now, Viserys, let's leave." Doreah decided, raising an eyebrow at Dany and Sansa. Viserys put his shirt on and they left. A few seconds after they left in the elevator, Arya ran after them.
"ARYA STARK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
"TO GET THE VIDEO CAMERA!" Arya disappeared down the hall.
"No..." Dany whined, "I don't want a new little niece or nephew."
Sansa's phone buzzed and she glanced at it. "Fuck NO!" she yelled,
"What?"
"If Loras fucks me over to go screw around with Renly one more time I'm gonna lock him in a room with six hungry huskies." Sansa growled,
"How did he fuck you over?"
"All I wanted to do was to run my fingers through his luscious hair but I guess his secret relationship with Joffrey's cousin is more important than my happiness."
"Loras is gay, and you have a boyfriend."
"Loras is beautiful and Joffrey barely has any hair!" Sansa whined, "Ugh, fine, can I borrow Drogo for like, two hours?"
"No, I control his life."
"Okay. I guess I'll have to use Arya."
"That's disgusting." said Dany.
"Here." said Sansa, "Look at this text." Sansa showed Dany a text from Loras Tyrell, all it said was 'Heyyy bitch I cant come over today, im at renly's and this summer heat is driving me cray'. "DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH? DO YOU SEE THIS?!"
"I kind of want to go crash their party."
"No. There are a couple of things in this world that I'm not interested in seeing."
...
Dany and Sansa were standing outside the Tyrell apartment for about half an hour before Loras got home. His hair was screwed up and he was walking like his ass hurt.
"Hello, ditcher." said Sansa.
"Leave me alone." said Loras angrily, "You don't know what I've just been through."
"How bad could it have been?"
"Uh, lots of things, like, oh I don't know, THEON WALKING IN ON US?!"
"Oh... Oh Jesus."
"He was after Renly's weed."
"Renly has weed?"
"Don't ask me how he got it. Anyway, Theon ran away with the weed and we haven't seen him since, I need to get inside before I pass out."
"Wait wait wait, what about-" Sansa inquired as Loras went into his apartment and slammed the door.