House Targaryen

Dany

"I hate that little rat!" Sansa screamed through a mouthful of Strawberries and Creme frap."It's like she exists to screw my life up, with her chocolate fountain and that stupid smirk she always has on her ugly little face-."

"At least she's not your legal guardian. Viserys is dating Doreah."

"Everyone already knows, Theon did some pretty disgusting fan-art of the two of them and send it to me over Facebook. It was cust as fuck."

Dany suddenly felt sick, her phone vibrated, "Oh, look at that, Theon just texted me," She started to do a bad impression of Theon, "Heyy Babysitter, your boyfriend and I are getting white-girl-wasted without you, har har har." Dany slammed her phone down on the Starbucks table, "Dick."

"I want to see Drogo wasted."

"It's not that different from when he's sober, to be honest. So wait, what did Arya do?"

"She farted on Joffrey's lap and jumped in the chocolate fountain at Jory's wedding."

"Weddings never end well."

"I'm just sick of her and her bullshit, she let a deer loose in the building!"

"I'm sick of Theon always following me around."

"If only there was some way we could dispose of them…"

The girls were silent for a few seconds, and then started to laugh,

"Ah, I hope you're kidding."

"Hehehe, I'm not, let's kill Arya!"

"You can't kill your sister, Sansa."

"Don't you want to get rid of Theon?"

"Well, yes, but… God, I hate Theon…"

"Exactly." Sansa's phone rang, "Hang on a second." She answered, "Hi… Drogo, what the f- Oh… Jesus… Well, what are you- DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU ARE DRIVING… I DON'T CARE IF I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER- NO I'M NOT KIDDING, I NEVER KID ABOUT SAFETY! IF YOU DIE I WILL KILL YOU- OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING- JUST GET THEON TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"What? Theon? Hospital?"

Sansa

Viserys pulled up outside the hospital,

"Thanks for driving us!" Dany screamed as she and Sansa ran through the sliding doors,

"Yeah yeah yeah, just tell Theon not to die so this wasn't all for nothing."

Sansa and Dany ran up to the front desk, a woman was sitting there on the phone,

"Oh, hold on, babe, there's some people here. Yes, what do you want?"

"Theon Greyjoy? What room is he in?"

"Oh, that one, he came in with the tall Asian."

"Armenian." Sansa corrected.

"Hm. Armenia is in Asia." The woman looked smug. Dany stared at her nametag, Helya the receptionist. She was a Grade A Bitch.

"Will you just tell us what room Theon's in?"

"Ugh, okay, 412. That's the twelfth room on the fourth fl-."

"Yeah, I can count." Sansa sassed.

Drogo, Robb, Jon and Talisa were the only other people in Theon's room,

"Where the fridge is his family?" Sansa screamed,

"Yara cut out of work early and Balon and Alannys are on their way." Said Robb,

"Goddammit." Said Dany, "Why didn't I just make him the damn pulled pork sandwich when I had the chance?" She started to cry and buried her face in Drogo's shoulder. An old man in a lab coat and a middle-aged woman with a hat on came into the room,

"Hi, kids, I'm Dr Luwin and this is Nurse Mordane, we've been assigned to Theon here, so, these X-rays show that luckily this is nothing we can't fix."

"Well, what's wrong?"

"It seems Theon here swallowed a tack. The tack was somehow safely lodged in his digestive system for a while until he consumed large amounts of alcohol which led him to throw up, disturbing the tack and causing damage to his esophagus. This young man is lucky to be alive. Who drove him here?" Drogo raised his hand, "You should be a doctor, son."

"No thanks. I have a short fuse."

"Ohh-kay. Okay, Theon has surgery tomorrow, we need to get that tack out and fix up that damn esophagus, he's a tough little bastard."

"Yeah, he eats raw pasta." Said Robb, "He's pretty hardcore."

Dr Luwin nodded and left the room, Nurse Mordane followed him muttering something about 'those damn teenagers'.

"DROGO YOU IDIOT WHY DID YOU LET HIM NEAR ALCOHOL?"

"HE DIDN'T EAT THE TACK AT MY APARTMENT, AND HE WAS PRETTY MUCH WASTED WHEN HE GOT THERE ANYWAY."

"HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT! You know he's drunk when he starts puking."

"…Sorry. I STILL DIDN'T KNOW HE ATE A TACK, WHO THE FUCK EATS A TACK?"

"THEON, OBVIOUSLY!"

Talisa tore open a bag of chips. "At least he's not gonna die, so Dany won't feel bad about being mean to him."

"I wasn't mean to him, I was just impatient."

"No, you were mean."

"Really mean."

"It was deeply upsetting." Said Jon.

"Where's Arya?" said Sansa,

"Oh, I guess Mom didn't tell you yet." Said Robb, "She's on the plane to Portland."

"Portland? Are you serious? I thought she wasn't going for another month!" Sansa screamed, "Shit."

"It's good for you." Said Jon, "She's out of your hair."

Sansa shrugged and went back to staring at Theon. "So what do we do?"

"I don't know, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy." Said Talisa,

"YOU DON'T WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY?!" Jon screamed, he pointed to the door, "Out with you."

Dany frowned, "I think I'm just gonna go get him a pulled pork sandwich."

"I don't think so!" Jon singsonged, "Theon has surgery tomorrow, you can't eat food before surgery, I learned that from Grey's Anatomy!"

Balon, Alannys and Yara burst through the door,

"AAHH MY BABY!" Alannys screamed, throwing herself across her son,

"Don't kill him, Alannys, all he did was eat a tack, let's not make it worse."

"Balon, he is your son."

"Yeah, all he did was eat a tack, I'll freak out when he's on Life Support. I'm gonna go get the kid a pulled pork sandwich, he's earned it." Balon left the room and Yara collapsed on the tile floor,

"Really, Theon? A fuckin' tack? Of all the random things you could eat? There are rocks all over the place, pencils, paper, come on, kid."

"Let's not encourage him." Said Dany, "I don't understand what would possess him to eat a tack in the first place but right now you sound like an enabler."

"Don't you pull that Dr. Phil talk with me!"

…

Sansa and Dany got back to the Targaryen apartment around seven,

"VISERYS-." Dany yelled, "IS IT OKAY IF SANSA SPENDS THE NIGHT?"

"YEAH." Yelled Viserys from across the apartment, "IS IT OKAY IF DOREAH SPENDS THE NIGHT?"

"AS LONG AS YOU USE PROTECTION."

"OH, DON'T WORRY, I'M ON BIRTH CONTROL!" Doreah's voice yelled back

Dany and Sansa went into Dany's room, Sansa logged onto Facebook,

"Oh look at that, a Pray For Theon Greyjoy page."

"Jesus Christ, he's already milking this tack thing like a ripe cow and he's not even conscious."

"Oh God, Joffrey set it up. He wasn't even at the hospital… He doesn't even really like Theon. He was number nine on the original Hate List."

"One like one prayer for this angel… Did Joffrey honestly just call Theon an angel? You know, I bet he ate the stupid tack just to be a dick to me because I didn't make him a fucking sandwich."

"He probably did, and Mom probably sent Arya away to show me how much I 'love' her."

Dany's phone rang, "Hey babe… He's in surgery now? The frick- Okay. No, you hang up first- Drogo? Goddamnit, he hung up."

"At least the bloody tack will be out soon."

"Yeah and he won't be able to lord this over us. That boy just doesn't understand that some things don't go in your mouth, tacks especially."

"That's like the first thing they teach you." Sansa whined, "Of course, I'm not allowed to complain about him at home, Robb gets so defensive, 'You don't know what Theon's been through', it's like my brother lives to protect him. Jesus."

"Drogo's the same way. 'He's weird because he wants attention and he didn't get any as a child'."

The girls were silent for a few seconds.

"That's actually really sad."

"Yeah. I almost feel bad for the asshole now."

"But why, at 17 years old, would he act weird to get attention? Arya's almost done with that and she's only twelve."

"He's an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a riddle."

"I guess we should do something though, just to show him we aren't complete assholes."

"Yeah, we should make him a card and bring him a bunch of pulled pork."

"Drogo said he'd provide ciabatta buns because those are the kind Theon likes- OH MY GOD HOW DO WE ALL KNOW THIS?"

"Because Theon never shuts up about pulled pork sandwiches. And damn, if you even consider putting cucumbers in one…"

"LORD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!" The girls yelled together,

"Jesus…" said Dany. "I know more about Theon's sandwich preferences than I do about my own brother's relationship. I'm an awful sister."

"Sometimes I forget what grade Arya's in but I know that Theon doesn't like cucumbers…"

"What the fuck has he turned us into?" Dany whispered, slowly closing her laptop.

"Do y'all have any pickles?"

"I think so, why?"

"I'm gonna need some."

…

"Okay, I finished the card!" Dany announced, brandishing a folded piece of grey Bristol board. It read 'Get well soon Theon' and had some Sharpie illustrations of pulled pork sandwiches and beer cans, along with a caption that said, 'Sorry I was so evil, from Dany and Sansa'.

"Chill."

"Don't say that, you sound like Doreah."

"I heard my name!" said Doreah in the doorway of Dany's room, "I brought you ladies some of this weird shit, I don't know what exactly it is." She said, holding up a bowl of Jello.

"It's just Jello."

"Yeah, but idk what flavour."

"Classy. Acronyms in regular conversation."

"Don't sass me, D'naynay, as long as you're dating Drogo and I'm dating Viserys, I own your ass." Doreah sat down on the floor, "So, what's the hot gossip?"

"Theon is in the hospital because he swallowed a tack."

"Is that the kid who sat in the hall with a sign that said 'Will sell body for pulled pork sandwiches'?"

"I didn't know he did that but judging by the sign… yes."

"Why would he swallow a tack?"

"Why would he become a prostitute for pulled pork sandwiches, nobody understands the mystery that is Theon Greyjoy."

…

Dany

"Wake up!" Sansa screamed the next morning, "It's already 11:30, we have to go to the hospital!"

"If Viserys and Doreah aren't awake, I don't have to move."

"Don't you want to make it up to Theon for being evil."

Dany rolled her eyes and started to get dressed, "Remind me why we have to go right this second, Theon's still gonna be a smug asshole in the afternoon."

"Viserys and Doreah woke up for this, the least we can do is get up at a reasonable hour."

"I don't want to do nice things for them…" Dany whined, "Wait, is Viserys going to the hospital?"

"Yeah, he said he wanted to be a good person."

"He and Theon hate each other."

…

The only other people in Theon's room were Jon, Ygritte, Yara (who was sleeping on the floor) and of course Theon. He was awake.

"JESUS CHRIST." Dany yelled, jumping onto his bed and smacking him repeatedly, "YOU ASSHOLE, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU EAT A TACK?"

"To teach you a lesson about respecting your elders." Said Theon, holding up a little Ziploc bag with a blood-covered tack inside, "Here's the bastard, look at all that blood in there, so metal."

"YOU RISKED YOUR LIFE JUST TO PROVE A POINT? WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA MOVE ON TO SEWING NEEDLES OR ARE YOU JUST THAT BIG OF A DICK?"

"Did you bring me any pulled pork?"

"Yes!" Doreah squealed, twirling around the room with three sandwiches, "All for you!" she tossed the sandwiches onto Theon's bed,

"This is so chill, I've already had six of these today but I never get tired of them! Hahahaha!" Theon inhaled the sandwich, Dany wasn't even sure she saw him chew, "Hit me again! See…" said Theon through a mouthful of pulled pork and ciabatta, "They let me keep the tack in this Ziploc bag, like when you're a kid and you lose a tooth so I can guilt all y'all whenever you're mean to me."

"Where's Drogo? I want him to hurt you right now."

"Oh, I let him go home, you know, since he and Robb and Talisa took the time out of their very active social lives to stay with my unconscious self during surgery. But, Robb's coming back later. That's what's called 'supportive'. While you and Sansa went home to watch Dance Moms."

"I will always put Dance Moms before you- Like, what were you hoping to gain out of this?"

"I was hoping to score some weed!" Theon sang, flashing the stitches down the middle of his chest, "Blaze it, YOLO."

"THAT WAS OREGANO YOU WERE SMOKING." Dany screamed, "OR-EG-A-NO, DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!"

"Well, that there wasn't spelling that was just breaking down the syllables."

"VISERYS, PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE, PLEASE."

"No, he has a hard face, I speak from experience-." Viserys was cut off as Melisandre from the grocery store popped into the room, two men were following her,

"I heard the perp was in the hospital…"

"COME ON." Ygritte whined, "I thought we all agreed that Sansa was the perp…"

"Davos, get a picture of this for the store newsletter!" Melisandre squealed, throwing herself onto Theon's bed, "Beautiful, Theon Greyjoy, former perp- Stannis, write this down… Theon Greyjoy, former perp and button-presser, has been hospitalized in his long-running battle with juvenile osteoporosis, a tragic story-."

"Actually, he just ate a thumbtack." Sansa corrected

"No-one cares, gingy."

"Gingy?"

"Yeah, you have some serious red-ass hair. How many souls did you steal to get it that red?"

"SO DO YOU! YOUR HAIR IS REDDER THAN MINE, IT'S A GODDAMN APPLE!"

Melisandre flipped her hair and stood up, "I think that's all the photos we need for today. Stannis, give the kid a fruit basket."

"I don't have a fruit basket." Stannis confessed in a monotone voice, "We used up the last of the fruit baskets at the Sunday School."

"Sheest." said Melisandre, exiting the room, Stannis followed, as did Davos after he turned around and whispered,

"She's actually insane, you ate a tack, she ate a shower curtain ring once… and liked it…"