House Targaryen
Daenerys
Dany tiptoed back to bed at about 3 am after losing track of time while watching Dance Moms reruns. Doreah was sleeping over again and her clothes were all over the living room floor. Dany was almost tired when she turned the light on and saw Theon sleeping in her bed.
Dany screamed louder than she thought was physically possible, Theon sat up,
"Sorry, darlin'." he said in his Threon accent, "Followed y'all back here after the party but I kinda zonked out."
"IN MY BED? IN A DRESS?"
"Yeah, I borrowed it from you without asking. It's pretty!" said Theon, fluffing his skirt, Dany jumped onto her bed and started punching him,
"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCK!" Viserys shrieked from down the hall, there were some loud footsteps and he and Doreah burst into the room, "Dany, don't do that, I thought you were getting stabbed to d- NO, NO, NOT HIM. I WOULD RATHER IT BE THE STRANGER."
"That's the kid that tried to gank my sandwich!" Doreah yelled, pointing at Theon.
"GO HOME." Viserys screamed, "GO BACK TO YOUR HOME."
"Come on..." Theon whined,
"WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A/C! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE HERE?!"
"Your sis. I love her." said Theon, taking hold of Dany's hand, "I need your permission sir, I love D'naynay and I want to spend the rest of my life with her..."
Dany punched Theon in the nose. "I know for a fact that you're in love with Drogo, you should be at least bitchslapping me, NOT SLEEPING IN MY BED."
"I'm in love with all Khatchadourians." Theon violently kicked the sheets off, there was blood down the front of his borrowed dress.
"Please tell me you fell in a puddle of ketchup." Dany whispered dangerously,
"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR STILL RECOVERING FROM MY ACCIDENT."
"IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT!" Dany screamed, shoving Theon out of her bed,
"Kids..." Doreah slurred, sitting down on the floor, "I think we can settle this like grown-ups up in here."
"Yes, thank you." said Viserys. "Not only is she hot as frick, but she has good ideas about how to mediate relationships between little girls and creepy stalkers who-."
"Everyone kiss."
"Don't listen to her, she's clearly intoxicated."
Doreah rolled her eyes, "Fine, I'm just gonna leave since no-one appreciates me around here. Viserys, you better be careful with your hot ass around our bed, I don't want to start a fire."
"Yeah... our bed is kind of saturated with a mixture of tequila and other flammable beverages." Viserys smirked. "We da wild kids."
Theon stood up. "Guess I'm gonna go too. Dany, I'd appreciate if you didn't call the cops, I'm still kind of sad about the whole tack thing."
...
Catelyn
"Oh yes, I felt MUCH better when I took gluten out of my diet." said Cersei. Sansa stormed into the living room wearing booty shorts and a t-shirt with a box of Cheerios on the front that read 'donut seeds'
"MOM!"
"Oh, not again, what is it, Sansa?" Catelyn asked, shooting Cersei a 'my-kids-are-annoying' look,
"Bran is in the bathroom and he won't get out and Jon is in the other one and I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A DUMP- hiiiii, Cersei, how are you?"
Cersei smiled nervously, "If you bribe Bran with chocolate he'll get out of the washroom, honey."
"He already gets enough chocolate from Irri." Sansa whined, dragging her ass back out of the living room.
"Please excuse my angry adolescent daughter."
"Oh, I used to be just like that, I used to tie my brothers to the legs of our kitchen table and hit them with sticks. It was fun."
"But that was when you were little-"
"Oh no, I think I stopped when I was about 17. It took me a while to get big enough to get Jaime on the ground and unable to move anywhere. You should have seen Tyrion's face though, that was funny, I've been tying that little bitch up since I was six years old."
"Well, Sansa's never done that."
"That's good! I subdued my brothers with physical force and I'm totally normal!" Cersei yelled, taking a thermos out of her pocket and drinking from it,
"What's that?"
"Chocolate sauce mixed with vinegar. Clears my sinuses, I have a stressful job as a mom in these crazy times!" Cersei flipped her hair,
Catelyn decided not to say anything. "How would you deal with Sansa?"
"Don't ask me, Myrcella's only eleven..."
"Speaking of Myrcella, Arya gets back from Portland today, maybe Sansa just misses her sister?"
"I don't think that's it, they hate each other."
"I was thinking about that, maybe they just pretend to hate each other when really they value each other as sisters and friends, like Lysa and I."
Cersei's phone beeped, "Oh, will you look at that, Joffrey just texted me, what a sweet boy... Oh, nuts, I gotta go."
"Why, what did he do?"
"OH, it's Tommen, apparently he's run away from home. The last time he tried to do that he came back five minutes later for a peanut butter sandwich." Cersei headed for the door, "MEET ME IN THE LOBBY LATER, AND BRING COFFEE, I need to track down Adelina Khatchadourian and see if she has any carrots left..."
...
Daenerys
Sansa busted through the door.
"I NEED HELP I NEED HELP PLEASE HIDE ME HERE FOR A FEW WEEKS."
"Jesus, what happened?"
"Arya's coming back from Portland tonight and Joffrey keeps following me around asking where Tommen is."
"Oh, yeah, Tommen ran away."
"How did you know?"
"Joffrey was putting up Lost Cat posters in the hallway. Oh, yeah, Theon was in my bed this morning."
"That's disgusting."
"He was wearing one of my dresses and there was blood all over it from his stupid stitches, he should get those looked at."
"At least we know Tommen won't actually go outside. He's terrified of cars."
"That's adorable. How in the hell does he travel."
"He'll do it if you give him some kind of sugary snack, I would know, I've travelled with them before."
"Why would he even run away in the first place?"
"Well, Joffrey's always really mean to him. And Cersei probably tried to give him beets or something. He hates beets with a fiery passion. Where are Viserys and Doreah?"
"Viserys has a job interview for once in his life and Doreah is packing."
"Packing for what?"
Dany looked pissed, "She's moving in."
"That's creepy."
"I told Drogo to try and get his sisters to talk her out of it but Jhiqui heard about it before and was really excited and starting buying a bunch of stuff for the wedding that she thinks is happening, Viserys can't get married, he doesn't have a job and the last girlfriend he had said he was 'the most depressing lover she'd ever had'. Apparently he said she needed dental work and coughed too much."
"Well, obviously Doreah has a different opinion, why did he cough too much?"
"He told me after they broke up that he wanted her to think that he was dying so we could borrow money. BUT DOREAH BUYS ALL OUR FOOD SO I GUESS THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM." Dany yelled, "I caught them hugging yesterday, Viserys doesn't do that unless he's serious about something or really high."
"Maybe he was high?"
"Not with Renly selling everyone oregano. And the worst part is, yesterday at dinner, Viserys got this creepy look on his face and took our hands and said 'Soon we're gonna be a real family' and Doreah started asking me what baby names I liked because she's been trying to bond with me."
"At least there are gonna be some more Targaryens!"
"Oh yes, more crazy running around Westeros Pines."
"I honestly like Doreah, she's not that bad once you get past all the perfume and the weird shoes and saying chill all the time, and dope, she's actually kind of a sweet person, and I think that whole ditzy thing is just an act."
"Oh yeah, I know it's an act. Once she gets on one of her political rants there's no going back."
At that convenient moment, Doreah burst through the door carrying a bunch of bags.
"HEY LADIES!"
"Hi..." Dany whined.
"I'm gonna go put these in the bedroom but I have to tell y'all something after!" Doreah ran down the hall, there was a loud clunk and she ran back into the living room and sat on the carpet, "So, what are we talking about?"
"...Tommen Baratheon ran away."
"Awww, I love that kid! So guess what, I'M MOVING IN!"
"We know." said Dany, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, by the way, Irri's coming by with a bunch of bridal magazines today, don't jump to conclusions, ladies, I'm just... I'm considering becoming a wedding planner." said Doreah, unnaturally calmly, "I'm gonna go call my parents."
...
Sansa and Dany went back to the Stark apartment, Cersei, Myrcella, Robert and Joffrey were sitting on the couch laying out Lost Tommen posters with a picture of Tommen in the middle holding an ice cream cone.
"He looks so happy here..." Cersei whispered, "So peaceful..."
"Darn it, y'all." said Robert, "The kid's afraid of cars, he's probably just hiding in someone's apartment."
"I never got to say goodbye..." Myrcella whispered.
"Well if it ain't Tweedledumb and Tweedle-Ginger." Joffrey sassed.
"Thank you." Dany sassed back, "Dick."
"What are you ladies doing?" said Cersei,
"We were just about to go look for Tommen." Sansa lied, elbowing Dany in the gut and whispering 'play along!'. The door opened, and Margaery shambled through the door with Tommen clinging to her leg.
"Did anyone lose this?"
"MY TOMBLIBOO!" Cersei shrieked, "Where did you find him?"
"Well, he headed straight for Irri and her carrots, then Loras rescued her and dumped the kid on me."
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Tommen sobbed, "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT THOSE EVIL-BEVIL BEETS!" Margaery picked Tommen up and he started to thrash, Cersei pinched his ear and he stopped,
"Oh, there he goes, thank you for finding him, you're a saviour sent from the Lord."
...
Sansa
The girls went back to Dany's apartment after Tommen had been found, Sansa decided her apartment was uninhabitable with all the Baratheons in there.
"Hey, Viserys, I'm home-YOOOOO..." Dany yelled, the entire living room was full of Armenians, Jhiqui Khatchadourian was in the middle of it all in what looked to be a bridesmaid dress.
"Dany, we need to talk about something, Sansa, you can stay, that'd be chill." An Armernian girl who looked about nine came over and grabbed Dany's hand,
"WE'RE GONNA BE COUSINS!"
"No, we're not, stop kissing me, WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE OVER?" Dany screamed.
Viserys and Doreah stood up, "Dany..." said Doreah. "I hope it's okay to call you that, your brother and I are engaged!"