House Targaryen
Daenerys
"YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET MARRIED WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST?"
"Excuse me, Daenerys Emilia Targaryen, don't even go there, you're not my mother."
"EXACTLY! OUR MOTHER IS DEAD! YOU ASK ME FOR PERMISSION!"
"You're 14, I don't need your opinion."
"...I'll be 15 in a week, Jesus."
Viserys and Doreah didn't say anything, Sansa sat on the carpet eating a whole cucumber.
"Dany, your brother and I are both responsible adults-."
"HA." Dany yelled, "HAR HAR HAR VISERYS IS RESPONSIBLE."
"He raised you on his own since you were ten years old."
Dany didn't say anything, Sansa finished the cucumber and started towards the door,
"STOP RIGHT THERE." Viserys yelled, "We need a witness."
"NO..." Sansa whined, sitting back down on the carpet. "This is family stuff..."
"Dany, I know we've had our differences, but now that we're sisters, I want you to be my maid of hotness."
"You mean honour?"
"No. I changed it!" Doreah giggled. "Because we're hot babes."
"Don't ever say that again." everyone in the room said at the same time. Doreah narrowed her eyes.
"You're gonna love my sisters!" Doreah squealed, "Eroeh's the one you met earlier, she's the flower girl."
"She's like ten."
"...It was either her or Rickon Stark."
...
Sansa
Sansa threw the door open. Catelyn shushed her and pointed to Rickon, who was sleeping on the couch under a Cheeto blanket, ShaggyDog was slowly nibbling away at it.
"VISERYS AND DOREAH ARE GETTING MARRIED!" Sansa shrieked,
"I'm very happy for them, but you need to be quiet, I just got him down!"
"It's 5 pm. WAKE UP RICKON." Rickon sneezed and sat up, Cheetos fell on the carpet like rain and Summer, Ghost, Lady and ShaggyDog swooped in for a snack.
"Aw, Sansa, just lemme finish this dream." he whined, "I gotta bag of Cheetos on one arm and Myrcella on the other."
"I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM!" Sansa shrieked, twirling around the living room and sitting on Rickon. "The wedding's in the fall! I'm happy for Dany too, she finally has a real sister!"
"That's nice but your brother looks upset."
Arya clunked out of her room in a fencing uniform. She flipped the mask down and started to do a weird dance.
"You look like a white wasp." Sansa whined, "Don't sting me or anything."
"Dad got me fencing lessons! I'm gonna stab you so hard. Up the butt, up the nose, up the... toe, all day. Bringin' the pain, your ankle I will sprain-."
"Not everything you say has to rhyme."
Arya put up her deuces, "Better sleep under your bed tonight. I got a needle."
"You know, the points on those things are insanely dull, so you don't murder anyone."
"Then how did I cut my finger?" said Arya, holding out her left ring finger, there was a paper cut on it.
"Stop trying to scare me, Arya."
Arya flopped down on the couch, defeated. "So what's these lies about Viserys and Door-knob?"
"Doreah." Sansa corrected.
"Door-knob, 'cause she's dumb like a door-knob."
"She's actually not, she went to law school and she put herself through by stripping in high school, it's a sad story but it all ends well, her mom kicked her out but then let her back in when she realized she just needed to understand the struggles of being kicked out and selling your body-."
"Ooh, Door-knob's a lawyer, big whoop."
"Yeah, it's a giant whoop. Neither of our parents are lawyers."
"Hey!" Catelyn snapped, "Your father and I work hard for our money."
"I'm not disputing that, I'm just saying Doreah has earned my respect by overcoming adversity and getting married to Viserys who by the way doesn't even make any money because he can't find work because his dad was a little nutty and word got around to literally everyone in the city."
The doorbell rang, "Oh!" said Catelyn, "Guess who's staying in Toronto until school starts again?"
"I BET IT'S GENDRY!" Arya yelled,
"Gendry lives in Toronto, you ass." Sansa whined.
"It's..." Catelyn opened the door, "AUNT LYSA!"
Lysa Arryn was standing on the apartment stoop in all her Juicy sweatsuit glory. Her son Robert was standing behind her mowing through a bag of jalapeno Cheetos. The dogs rushed at the door,
"JESUS, CATELYN!" Lysa shrieked, "KEEP THESE BEASTS UNDER CONTROL AND AWAY FROM MY ROBBY-BOBBY."
"Where's Uncle Jon, Aunt Lysa?" Arya interrogated, sticking her hand into Robert's Cheeto bag and passing some to Rickon.
"Your uncle is being a serious dillweed and decided not to come. Dillweed, did I say that right?" Arya nodded and Lysa came into the apartment, dropping her bags where the dogs could get them, Sansa stood up.
"I'm going to Dany's."
"No no no, Sansa Sophie Stark." Catelyn ordered, "Not with a wedding being planned."
"She just texted me and said everyone left!" Sansa lied, holding up her phone. "See you later, Aunt Lysa."
"Okay! See you on the flip side! Ugh, I'm done trying to speak teen..."
...
Dany looked absolutely terrified when she answered the door, Talisa, Margaery and Ygritte were already there. Doreah was sitting on the carpet and grinning.
"Doreah's family just left but look at what her sister drew." Dany held up a messy drawing of a wedding dress.
"I got these bitches to come over and whip up a dress like little fairy godbabies." Doreah said, "Heheh, whip... Yeah, this is an emergency."
"You have a few months to buy a dress." said Margaery,
"NOT WITH THIS DILLWEED RUNNING THE SHOW!" Doreah shrieked, pointing at Viserys, who was standing in the kitchen and trying to make a sneaky exit with a bag of Coffee Crisps. He sprinted back into the bedroom and Doreah ran after him, tearing off her shirt and skirt.
"Guess we should be going." said Ygritte. "Jon's coming over later." she smirked. Margaery followed her out.
"They're gonna be in there for a while."
"Y'all could have dinner at my apartment, my aunt and cousin are over and so is Theon but my mom made a lot of pulled pork so I guess it'll be fine." said Sansa.
"So, Daniella-."
"Daenerys."
"Diana..."
"Daenerys."
"I'm sorry, dear, did you say something?"
Dinner had been going uncomfortably slowly for the past hour. Robert dumped a quarter-cup of salt onto his sandwich and bit into it with a crunch. Bran looked at his cousin skeptically.
"Dany's brother is getting married, Aunt Lysa." said Robb, discreetly reaching across the table for the bottle of wine only to have Lysa slap his hand away.
"Oh, that nice young man who tried to grope me last year?" Dany nodded, "Good to see him finally settling down, ahh, to be young and stupid, remember Cat, that one time when you and Ned had just started dating and we all got naked in the hot tub and-." Catelyn cleared her throat loudly, Lysa got the hint. "But, really, Danica, I would suggest having him get some help."
"Mommy, I want to make Rickon fly, he keeps kicking me under the table." said Robert, licking salt off his hands.
"I'm not kickin'!" Rickon sobbed, "I'm tryin' to get ShaggyDog to stop beggin' for potaters!"
"Arya just started fencing." said Ned, trying to salvage the conversation. "We're very proud."
"Honestly, couldn't she be interested in a pretty sport, like volleyball or ballet?" said Lysa, "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, Theodore."
"Theon."
"Whatever, I can tell you're a dancer, you're so beautifully poised."
"Yeah, I dance a lot. Wanna see?"
"Oh, no..." said Dany.
"Oh, well, of course, I was in a production of Swan Lake as a girl, you know before I-..." Lysa's voice trailed off as Theon stood up and began to twerk. Talisa stared at him, frozen, her hand about to pour vinegar on her potatoes,
"HEY, DANY, GET UP AND DO THIS ONE WITH ME, WHAT DROGO DOESN'T KNOW WON'T HURT HIM." Theon did a handstand against the door with his back facing the room and kept twerking.
"Oh, is that your boyfriend?" said Lysa, grinning, never taking her eyes off of Theon's ass. Dany nodded, mentally preparing herself for the shitstorm of interrogation. "The trick with men is to act innocent and sweet and then when they least expect it, BAM!" Lysa slammed her palm on the table, shaking everyone's glasses, "Bring out the lioness that's been hiding in your kitty-cat self!"
"Cersei Lannister always tells us to do that!" said Arya, "Even me, even though boys are ick."
"So, Lysa, how about this new business venture?" Catelyn asked into her palms, "Tell the girls."
"Oh yes, I have this new idea..." Lysa whipped out her phone and showed Dany, Sansa and Talisa a picture of her with a duckface and what looked like two little microwaves on her feet. "Toe ovens."
"Toe ovens?"
"Keep your toes warm."
"Why not just wear socks?"
"YOU KIDS! WITH YOUR MY-FACE AND SPACEBOOK AND YOOHOO! ALL THESE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES AND YET YOUR STILL RUBBING TWO STICKS TOGETHER TO WARM YOUR MOST IMPORTANT ORGAN!"
"Well, we just wear socks." said Talisa,
Lysa waved her hands in front of her face, "Just dream, kids, dream with all your pretty little hearts! You think Drew will still want you if you don't have a sense of wonder, Delilah?" Lysa touched Dany's hair. "...Toe ovens. You can sell that to your brother, coke-heads love things that generate heat, I speak from experience."
"My brother doesn't do coke."
"Spare me, Denise, he's so full of coke, Pepsi is suing." Lysa glanced at her phone, "Oh, will youse look at that, Robby-Bobby and Ricky-Bicky better be going to bed!" Lysa stood up and dragged the boys to bed.
"That woman is insane." said Talisa, there was a thump across the room, Theon stood up and flattened his hair,
"Remind me never to twerk again."
"I've reminded you multiple times." Sansa snapped.
"Daddy, can I have an iPad?" said Arya. Ned rolled his eyes and left the room, Catelyn followed.