House Targaryen
Sansa
Sansa woke up to see Arya laying on the floor covered in kitchen utensils, she was crying.
"I'm not gonna ask." said Sansa, getting dressed and brushing her hair, Arya stood up, spatulas and ladles spilled all over the place,
"Gendry broke up with me."
"You weren't dating."
"He did it in my fantasy about us." Arya sobbed,
"Since when do you give a shit about guys, especially older guys, you know Gendry is older than me, right?"
"By four months! It don't matter!"
"If it's your fantasy, he doesn't have to break up with you, you know that right?"
Arya laid back down and covered herself again, "I love you, Gendry." she whispered.
"You're so weird."
"I don't wanna go to Door-Knob and Vomit's wedding in the fall."
"Creative nicknames."
"I know, I just came up with them." Arya groped for Sansa's phone.
"Get away from that."
"I need to text D'naynay and tell her to look under her bed."
"No-one likes when you do that. Theon had a panic attack the last time you did that and was found a week later hiding out in the Khatchadourian apartment."
"He loves those Albanians, little lambseed."
"Armenians. Don't do it."
"I'm going to ring him!" said Arya in a fake British accent, "Gonna ring the Threon, guvnah! Banonner phoone. Give me a spot of tea whilst I ring Master Gree-joy."
Sansa kicked her sister, "Hurry up and get dressed, you crackass. We're going shopping with Aunt Lysa today."
"I don't wanna." Arya complained, starting to get dressed, "Door-nib. Vomit. I need one for Dany... How about Donut?"
"Fine. You know what, I'm not going to waste my brain power on your sorry ass."
Daenerys
"Danyyyy, I'm bored."
"I can't help you, I have to babysit kids tonight. Tommen and Myrcella."
"Why? Why kids?"
"Because Cersei and Robert and going to some wine tasting and Joffrey talked them into taking him so he can take selfies next to the wine. You can come with me, I go over at six."
"Fine, but only if you come to the mall with Arya and my Aunt and I. It's the only way I'll survive."
"Alright, I'll be right over, should I bring money?"
"Don't. Aunt Lysa told me to bring a friend. You have a Tiffany bracelet in your future, Targaryen." Sansa hung up. Dany whined and slid her phone along the kitchen counter, it teetered for a second and fell into a pair of Doreah's panties that had conveniently been hanging from a nail, the phone fell into them like a baby in a hammock. Viserys pranced into the kitchen in a skirt.
"Hey babe."
"Go back and change, bitch, someone might walk in and arrest you."
"Who would arrest me? Jon? Sam? I'm waiting, kid." Doreah came into the living room in tap shoes and what looked like a prom dress.
"What's good, sis?"
"Nothing, the two of you aren't."
"Get your telephone out of my panties, sis."
Dany picked up her phone and headed for the door, "Kay, I'm going to Sansa's, her aunt is taking us all shopping so I won't be back until like four."
"Okay, but be sure to knock before you just let yourself in, there are some things that aren't meant for young eyes."
...
"Okay, girlies, I want you all to pick out a pair of pretty shoes." said Lysa, stuffing her phone down the bust of her velour sweater, "Dany and Sansa, can you help Arya, she doesn't have a clue."
"Hey!" Arya yelled, "I have a clue. I have multiple clues but I'm sweating something fierce."
"Yes, and while we're here, Sansa, remind me to get the kid some antiperspirant."
Arya did a cartwheel into a nearby Aldo, "Hey y'all, look at this, all the shoes are weird, let's leave."
"I think these are nice." said Sansa, Dany nodded in agreement and Arya pretended to puke, drawing the attention of a nearby salesgirl.
"Do you need any help?"
"Yeah!" said Arya, "Where would I be able to buy a barf bag?"
The salesgirl narrowed her eyes, "We only sell shoes and accessories. You could try a plane or something."
"I was just keedin'." said Arya, turning around slowly and patting a shoe like she would a cat. Dany glanced down at her phone, Viserys had texted four times and each text was a different Lana Del Rey lyric, Sansa looked over her shoulder at her phone,
"Aw, look at that, Viserys is high! I can't believe Renly's oregano is so effective."
"Say no to drugs, darlings. You'll start texting people."
Arya hit the carpet, "Oh, it's unbelievable. I'm soooo high!" A few people gave Lysa weird looks. Dany wrenched Arya to her feet.
"Maybe we should just go get lunch?"
...
"I bet I can fit this whole thing of fries into my mouth." said Arya, stuffing fries into her mouth and laughing, Sansa pinched her arm and Arya spat a few fry pieces.
"Oh snort." said Lysa, "I'm not here."
"What, why?"
"Petyr Baelish is here. Over there, see the guy in the red shirt? The sexy one?"
"Ew. He has a pedo-stache!" Arya half-screamed, a bunch of people glanced over, Pedo-Stache started across the food court, he stood over Lysa,
"It can't be little Licey Lysa Tully! Damn, you had lice a lot as a kid..."
"Petyr!" Lysa squealed, "I haven't seen you since high school!"
"Is this little baby Sansa I see?"
"Yes..." Sansa whispered,
"You look just like your mother, your mother and I go way back, one time in high school, your mother, you know, she was quite the contortionist and her leg went-"
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" Sansa yelled,
"Sassy like Catelyn too. This must be Arya."
"Yeah! I have very sharp teeth."
"And who's this little snowy-haired beauty?"
"Daenerys."
"Targaryen? I knew your father. He was a crazy one, that Aerys, we used to get so smashed in high school, even experimented a little with our sexuality even though I always knew he was gayer than oatmeal, where is he now?"
"He was stabbed to death before I was born."
"...Okay. What about that brother of yours? Rhaegar? The kid who asked too many questions and ate too many Oreos."
"He was shot before I was born." Dany snapped. "My other brother is engaged."
"Ohhh, right, Viserys, the kid who got into my special Petyr juice. That's code for vodka and Red Bull with a hint of Mello Yello, children. He was never the same."
"Yeah. I noticed."
"Who's the lucky lady?"
"Doreah Kashishian."
"Ooh, snap, an anime character."
"She's Armenian."
"Same fricking difference." Petyr pulled up a chair, Lysa giggled and adjusted her tits.
...
Sansa and Dany arrived at the Baratheon apartment ten minutes late, Cersei answered the door wearing nothing but a thong and a bandeau.
"Heyyyy ladies!"
"Hi, Cersei." said Dany, trying to avoid eye contact with the aggressive display of Cersei's boobs. Sansa smirked awkwardly.
"Kay, so Tommen is dressing up his kitties right now, and Myrcella is giving Cheesy a bath. JOFFREY, GET YOUR BAGEL BUNS OUT HERE, WE'RE LEAVING IN TWO DING-DAMN MINUTES!"
Joffrey clacked out of his room.
"Mom, you gotta put clothes on."
"Clothes are for kitties. ROBERT, BRING ME THAT DRESS THAT I WORE THAT ONE TIME WHEN RENLY DID THAT THING."
"AS YOU WISH, YOU CONTROLLING NUT." Robert yelled back from another room, he came out of the room in a shirt that looked formal enough from the front but at the back transformed into a weird Baratheon varsity jacket. He tossed a red dress at Cersei, she caught it with her face.
"Sansa, looking very beautiful today, Dany, looking very angry as usual."
There was a squealing noise a few rooms over and Tommen ran into the room, he was holding a little kitten in a pink frock.
"Mommy mommy mommy mommy, Strawberry gouged me!" Tommen yelled, holding out his finger, "Kiss it fastly, it burns."
Cersei smooched Tommen's finger. "Sansa and Dany are babysitting tonight."
"You said I was a little man!"
"Fine, little-man-sitting. We have to get to this wine-tasting, Robby, go start the car or I'll scream."
...
Sansa and Dany had forced the kids to watch TV when the phone rang, Tommen was asleep, Dany answered and put it on speaker,
"Heyyy ladies." said Viserys on the other end.
"Hang up this phone."
"I don't want you dating Drogo anymore. He creeps me out."
"I know, you're jealous because he's more of a badass than you."
"No-bitch is more of a badass than me."
"Your idea of a wild night is watching Real Housewives with Doreah and eating your way through 17 bags of Skittles."
"...We da wild kids. Wait, aren't you babysitting? Put my gurl Myrcella on the phone."
"Heyyy, babe!" Myrcella yelled, skipping over to the phone, "You better get your ass over here, Tommen just fell asleep and Sansa and Dany are letting me watch Real Housewives."
"Sorry, I'm drunk."
"Hashtag-that's chill but I'm a child so you have to keep it clean, put Doreah on the phone."
"Hello children." said Doreah, "Doreah's the name and Skittles is the snacks I like, so get in line because I'm going big tonight and eating the sugar at the bottom of the bag."
"THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES."
"Do you want me to hang up now?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay, fine... SKITTLES." Doreah screamed, hanging up. Tommen jerked awake,
"Give me some more chicken nuggets."
"You ate all the chicken nuggets, you didn't even leave any for the rest of us, remember we had to run out and go get pizza but you ate all that too?" said Sansa,
"I was dreamin' about chick nougs!" a yellow cat ran out of Tommen's room and jumped onto the couch, it was wearing a teeny tux and an Easter bonnet, "This is Chiclet. Like the gum, he's a sassy, silly cat with a fun personality who loves to laugh and have fun."
"You sound like a dating site. How do cats laugh?"
"Let's turn this off and watch something chill." said Myrcella, "How 'bout Dr Phil? I always know what they're gonna say because we have this one saved on our DVR where there's this guy and-"
"You're too young to watch Dr Phil."
"My uncle Jaime was on Dr Phil once. The episode didn't air because a guy died while they were filming it and everyone started going kitty-shit crazy."
"Language, please." Dany scolded.
"I oughta scream right now. But I shant." said Tommen, holding out his hand, it was squirting blood from a cat scratch. "Sansa, I need you to kiss my wounds." Sansa kissed Tommen's hand, "Uh, you're gonna have to put your back into it, ma'am."
"No, Tommen, it's bedtime for you, Dany, I'm gonna take him to bed."
Dany sat next to Myrcella on the couch.
"So." said Myrcella, "Can you get me some weed?"
"You're eleven."
"Theon smokes weed."
"No, he smokes oregano."
"Renly sells weed."
"No, he sells oregano."