House Targaryen

Daenerys

Sansa and Dany had just started watching Dance Moms when there was a knock on the door of the Targaryen apartment. Dany opened the door and Joffrey skipped in holding a Lannister megaphone with 'Joff' written on the side on Comic Sans,

"TELL 'EM THAT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TELL 'EM THAT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TELL 'EM THAT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WHEN I PARTY LIKE THAT!" he sang loudly, throwing flyers around the living room. "Are you bitches READY TO PARTY!" he screamed into the megaphone. Drogo, Margaery, Talisa, Ygritte, Jon, Robb and Theon filed in behind him.

"Get out of my house." Dany growled, grabbing a knife from the kitchen,

"It's not worth it." said Robb, "Just follow all of us to his apartment. Give him the satisfaction now and he won't make you buy him a present."

"Uh, you all have to buy me presents." Joffrey screeched into the megaphone, everyone covered their ears. Viserys and Doreah came running into the room,

"YOU CHILDREN HAVE TO LEAVE!" Viserys yelled, he was wearing one of Doreah's dresses and Doreah was wearing pasties and sweatpants. Viserys glared at Drogo, "STRANGERSTRANGERSTRANGER!"

"I'm not a stranger, I've been living here since I was eight."

"DON'T MATTER!" Viserys screamed, "ALL Y'ALL BETTER LEAVE."

"Yeah!" said Doreah, "...or I'll scream."

"OKAY!" Joffrey yelled into his megaphone, "COME TO MY APARTMENT AT 5 PM AND BRING GIFTS, I'M THINKING I NEED A ROLEX BUT THAT'S JUST A SUGGESTION. NO, scratch that, I need a Rolex. SEE YOU BITCHES LATER." Joffrey skipped out of the room singing the rest of the song.

...

"So what did you get him?"

"I'm gonna go to the grocery store later and get him some vinegar." said Dany,

"I don't know, I think I'll get him something nice."

"You and Margaery have to calm the fuck down."

"Margaery is dating Renly."

"Hurr hurr, no, he's gayer than oatmeal."

"Ew, you sound like Petyr. What kind of stuff does Joffrey like?"

"Expensive. Get him drunk then he won't care what you give him."

"...I'll get him some weed."

"I will join in on that group gift."

"It's not a group gift if it's just the two of us."

"Does it matter?"

"...I guess not."

Sansa opened the door to her apartment. Lysa was sitting on the couch in a highlighter blue tracksuit that had chip dust all down the front, she was watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

"OOH, GIRLS, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME, McKenna's mom is snatching Sophie's mom's weave, I always knew that shit was fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake. Where's Robby-Bobby and Ricky-Bicky, they're missing the best part of the whole show."

Rickon came out of his room with, oh, surprise surprise, a bag of Cheetos. Robert followed. They both had Cheeto dust all over them and their hair was in knots.

"We were in a physical fight." said Robert, "Things got pretty physical."

"Redundant." Dany cut in.

Robert glared. "We don't want to watch TV, Mommy."

"Oh, okay, well, we're gonna go catch up with Catelyn and the kids, ladies, okay? Come on, bittles." said Lysa, standing up and leading the boys out of the apartment.

...

Dany went back to her apartment at about five, she was about to open the door when someone with a pumpkin on their head leapt around the corner.

Dany screamed and kicked the creeper in the leg, he fell over and squealed loudly, the squeal was muffled by the pumpkin on his head,

"IS THAT YOU, VISERYS?"

"NO, YOU DILLWEED." PumpkinHead stood up and put some sunglasses on his pumpkin head, "It's Threon."

"You absolute prick." Theon started to do a weird little dance, "Stop doing that. How were you planning to get that pumpkin off your head?"

Theon was silent. "...Hey Dany... I'm a bumpkin."

"Yeah, I know you're a bumpkin, you were a bumpkin before you put that fucking vegetable on your head, you put it on backwards, by the way, the face is carved into the back."

"...NO!"

"You'll never eat pulled pork again, or white bread, or any of the other foods you like."

"I only like pulled pork and white bread."

"I also think your weed days are over too."

"Watch it. Here, I can rotate it, just, hold my body still." Theon grabbed the pumpkin and tried to force it around, "GOD, IT'S NOT WORKING IT JUST REALLY KRILLS."

"Don't try to fix it, I'm gonna call Drogo and Robb, seeing as they're pretty much your only friends, and they're gonna get it off for you, just don't try to do it yourself."

...

"Well, what did they say?" whined PumpkinHead, slamming his pumpkin head against the wall

"Drogo said he's sick of fixing all your BS and Robb is on his way."

"I knew my bitchin' bro would always be here to save me from shit."

Robb came running down the hall and just about turned around and ran the other way when he realized it would have been mean if he did,

"Theon, I thought you were really hurt."

"I am hurt. This frickin' gourd is really starting to krill like a bleach."

"Okay, buddy, I'm gonna go get a drill or something and we can get the pumpkin off, Halloween isn't for another two months, we can find you another pumpkin."

"Can we take some pictures first? I want Drogo to see what he's missing."

"Get the pumpkin off your head, Theon Greyjoy, before you break your fucking neck." Dany snapped.

"Why was he outside your apartment?"

"He wanted to sneak up on me."

"God, this is what happens when you enable him, I told you to stop being such an enabler."

"Don't you talk to me like that, like I'm one of your other women-"

"Don't you use that tone of voice with me, woman."

"I will show you a world of pain, Robb Stark-"

"STOP FIGHTING!" Theon screamed, covering his pumpkin ears, "YOU SOUND LIKE MY PARENTS." he stood up and ran away down the hall, he ran into a wall, bounced off and kept going.

"Look what you did!" Robb shrieked, "You're an enabler!"

Dany decided to take the moral high ground, "Just make sure he doesn't get into any oregano."

...

Sansa

Dany, Drogo and Margaery were already standing outside Joffrey's apartment all empty-handed when Sansa arrived.

"Are y'all the first people here?"

"Where's the weed?" Dany demanded, "I got these two involved in our group gift." Drogo and Margaery smiled innocently.

"Renly's out of oregano and Yara wouldn't give me any real weed, I was just about to ask Margaery if I could tack onto hers."

"Har har, Sansa, that's cute." said Margaery, "Find us some weed."

"Har har, I can't." said Sansa, "Can someone tell Theon that this isn't a Halloween party?"

"No." said Dany, "NO NO NO NO NO, WHERE IS HE?"

Sansa pointed to Theon with his stupid pumpkin head. Robb has successfully turned it around and Sansa could see Theon's smug expression through the carved face.

Joffrey threw the door open.

"WHO'S READY TO PARTAY?!"

"No-one." said Robb from a few feet away, "You forced us all to come."

"GET. IN. HERE, YOU BITCHES, OR I WILL TELL ON ALL OF YOU SO HARD."

"We're not scared of you." said Dany,

"I bet you'll be scared of my Dog!" Joffrey yelled. Sandor Clegane from the sixth floor emerged in the doorway.

"Roar." he said in a bored voice, "Joffrey, I need the Netflix password."

"NOT A GOOD TIME." Joffrey squealed through clenched teeth, he rolled his eyes, "GOD, FINE, it's CheesyDeerLanLan, no hyphens, no spaces, none of you heard that!"

"We all did."

"Don't you try and hack my Netflix, Drogo Jason Khatchadourian, or I will scream so loud it'll be unbelievable."

"If you say my middle name again, I'll break both your legs."

"Looks like someone's been taking bitchy pills! I oughta just shoot myself."

"You should."

"...Don't be a dick. I hate you. Go away."

"Okay, Dany and I are gonna go fuck in the elevator-"

"NO PLEASE STAY, I NEED PEOPLE TO DRINK ALL THE MELLO YELLO IN MY SISTER'S ROOM, SHE'S BEEN HOARDING IT. I HATE ALL Y'ALL BUT PLEASE DON'T GO."

...

A few hours into the party, Joffrey stood up on the kitchen counter,

"OKAY, BITCHES, TIME TO GIVE ME PRESENTS! GET IN LINE, I GOT ALL NIGHT." Everyone at the party got into a line. "Kay, I'm gonna go in alphabetical order with this shit..."

"Thank God." said Dany,

"In order of FIRST NAMES."

"Okay, Drogo and I are leaving." she said, Sansa grabbed her by the wrist.

"DANY, I'M LOOKING AT YOU." Joffrey screamed,

"DROGO AND I DIDN'T BUY YOU ANYTHING, YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH." Dany growled, "And we're leaving."

"Too bad, improvise something. Come twerk on my lap."

"You're a pig."

Theon stepped forward, "I'LL TWERK, I'M REALLY GOOD-" Robb put his hand into the pumpkin mouth and yanked Theon back into line.

"You can lick hot sauce off my sweaty body." Joffrey giggled,

"You're disgusting, not even in a funny way, you're actually just repugnant."

"Ha ha ha! Little D'naynay climbing her way up the Hate List Ladder. TOP FLOOR, RINGADINGDING, LITTLE DANY'S IN THE PENTHOUSE, UP ON THE TOP FLOOR, MOST HATED-" Joffrey started to shake violently and turn pink, "WHY YOU NO DESCENDING THE LADDER? W-W-W-WHY THOUGH-"

"STOP, YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE!" Margaery yelled, climbing up on the counter and holding her hand over Joffrey's mouth, the colour in his face faded,

"Kay. Khatchadourian. Impress me." Drogo handed Joffey a sandwich bag filled to an inch below the top with white powder. Joffrey inspected the bag. "Where'd you get it?"

"None of your business."

"Ohhhh it is."

"I thought you would have learned your lesson about being a dick after I almost broke your leg last year."

"You've moved down on the List, son. Congratulations."

"You can't afford that much coke." Sansa whispered as Joffrey called Margaery's name and she stepped forward with a dark look on her face and started to twerk on his lap.

"Just wait."

"What did you do?!"

"It's baking soda."

"WHAT?"

"It cost like six dollars, just wait until he snorts it."

"I've never felt more second-hand embarrassment in my life."

"I'm not embarrassed."

"I'm talking about Joffrey!"

"OKAY, JONALD." Joffrey screamed, "YOU'RE UP." Jon stepped forward and handed Joffrey a lighter. "Wonderful, perfect to light my meth with."

"You packed so much wrong into so few sentences." Dany quipped.

"I'M PRETTY SURE NOBODY ELSE HAS ANY PRESENTS FOR ME." Joffrey squealed into the megaphone.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT." Theon yelled, "I have a present. The gift of twerk."

"Don't you dare, PumpkinHead." Ygritte warned, "I'll throw this Baratheon frying pan at your smug orange face and bake yo ass into a delicious pie."

Theon got up on the granite countertop and started to take off his jeans. "Don't nobody tell my sister. Or my parents. Or my rabbi. Or my cat."

"I didn't know you had a cat."

"YEAH!" Theon squealed, "His name is Squid!"

"Really, Theon, I would rather you just not." said Robb, the whole room nodded in agreement.

"Hahahaha, can't stop my juicy ass-"

"I'LL WRITE ARYA A LOVE LETTER AND SAY IT'S FROM YOU." Sansa yelled, "Don't think I won't."

Theon reluctantly got off the counter, adjusted his pumpkin head and sat in the corner. Joffrey looked disappointed.

...

Dany unlocked the door to her apartment a few hours later.

"Did you see Joffrey after he snorted that baking soda?"

"I tried not to." said Sansa,

"He was pretending to see shit and he kissed Margaery. She kicked him in the nuts and he had to go lay down."

"Adorable. I kind of want to give him fake alcohol and see what happens-"

Dany opened the door and a wave of chips spilled into the hallway. The entire apartment was filled with chips. Viserys and Doreah were sitting on the kitchen counter as if the chips were lava trying to burn their skin.

"WHY?!" Dany screamed, wading into the chips, "GET THESE OUT OR I'LL SLAP YOU."

"I ACCIDENTALLY ORDERED A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHIPS." Viserys yelled, "ILLYRIO HAS A FRIEND WHO OWNS A CHIP FACTORY AND I ORDERED A BUNCH THINKING THEY'D BE IN BAGS."

"HOW MUCH DID IT COST?"

"Free! Yay! We're gonna save a shitload on groceries with all these chips."

"You can't eat chips all day, you'd die."

"I WON'T HAVE TO BUY CHIPS."

"You hate chips. You've hated chips since you were six, when you almost choked, remember?"

"That was only because I poured the whole bag into my mouth because I was carsick and slightly high."

"I knew that bitch that's friends with Sansa's aunt wasn't lying about the Red Bull thing."

"I was never the same."

"You're an asshole."

"What a nice way to speak to your legal guardian, you're woken the dragon." Viserys jumped into the sea of chips but started to drown. "FUCK, SAVE ME."

"I'm so glad my parents are health nuts." said Sansa, picking up a chip and eating it,

"Did the chips leak into my room?" said Dany, "Just tell me they didn't."

"They didn't. HA. See, I've done something right!"

"One thing. ONE THING."

Viserys glared and collapsed into the sea of chips.

"Okay, Dany, so here's what's gonna happen."

"I don't want to know."

"Doreah and I missed a bunch of episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, we're gonna go do that and you're gonna bag up these chips and then go and pack a bag, you're going someplace with the Starks for your birthday."