House Targaryen
Daenerys
"DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DAMN!" Viserys screamed, waking the girls up. "YOU DIDN'T BAG UP THE CHIPS, YOU KNOW WHAT, NO, I'M CALLING ILLYRIO. Hello, Serra? Yeah, I need to talk to your husband... Don't ask who this is, you chip factory reject, I'm technically his almost-son, thank you, skank." Dany heard him whispering to Doreah, "She's annoying as fuck, Hi, Illyrio, yeah, the chips? They're ruining my life, sir! You're waking the dragon, I swear to AAHHHH... Okay good, you'll bag up the chips for half the price- What do you mean they weren't free? You already owe me a BUNCH of money, why are you making me pay for the- Jesus, you know what, no, no no no no no, I've got some Armenians on the seventh floor. Bye." Viserys slammed the phone down, "DAAAAAAANY, THEY'RE GONNA PICK Y'ALL UP SOON. SANSA, WAKE THE FRICK UP TOO."
"I swear to God if he comes in here-"
There was a shuffling noise on the other side of the door and Viserys fell into the room covered in ketchup chip dust.
"I SAID GET UP!" he squeaked, burrowing his way into the kitchen.
"I'm not having fun." Dany whined, Sansa shoved some chips into the room,
"These could probably last us a few years. Like, this is survival mode."
"Stop justifying his actions, put some pants on."
Sansa looked at her phone, "Oh, Christ. Ohhh, dern me, Theon."
"What the fuck did he do?"
"He sent me this..."
Sansa showed Dany a picture of Theon covered in peanut butter, being ignored by three puppies and a kitten.
"He's an ass."
"And listen to this, 'Uh-oh, spaghetti sauce, Threon's driving you babies to that ting'."
"Does he think he's covered in spaghetti sauce?"
"I want to hurt him."
"Where are we even going?"
"Well, my family has a cottage in the suburbs because we hate the country..."
...
Theon was sitting in the front seat of the car with sunglasses on.
"Hey bittles." he said in his Threon accent. "Hop on in, babies." Dany sat down in the car, "You didn't hop. I didn't see you hopping. Hop, you little shrew."
"Threon." said Robb, "Let's be chill."
"Fine. You don't run my life, D'naynay."
"Hi Dany!" Rickon chirped from the wayback. He twirled and flopped onto the floor of the car, Bran rolled his eyes and Robert smacked both of them.
"Darn it, you mice." said Arya. "Let's put the pedal to the metal here, my SWORD can't wait forever."
Dany and Sansa shoved their bags back where Rickon, Robert, Bran and Arya were sitting and slid in next to Jon, he was eating a twelve-pack of little cupcakes. Theon started to car and drove away cackling.
"So who wants to pump up the jams?"
"Me!" yelled Rickon, "Bicky-boo wants to pump up the jams!"
"So does Robby-Bobby." said Robert, "My mother says anything that isn't Katy Perry is the Devil's own creation. Y'all are gonna hear me roar."
"Yeah! I wanna listen to it too! Bran... Brandle-candle."
"Threon pumping up the jams, hope y'all like my swaggie voice."
A recording of Theon singing started to blast through the car, he was trying to sing a mix between Royals and Row-row-row your Boat, he began to veer into Bohemian Rhapsody towards the middle and finished with some of the chorus from Government Hooker and a little spritz of pure Threon. Rickon started to cry.
"But everybody's like, row row row your boat gently down the stre-am, Mama just killed a man, as long as I'm your hooker, kitty eggs, uh-oh spaghetti sauce!"
"Out, Satan!" Robert screamed, attempting to launch himself through the car at Theon's head, the seatbelt caught him halfway. "My mommy will hear about this nutnut!"
"KEEP THAT MOUSLING UNDER CONTROL!" Theon screamed, "HE ROARED, WE HEARD HIM ROAR. HE GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER."
"THE FIGHTER!" Rickon yelped.
"DANCING THROUGH THE FIRE!"
...
As they began to leave the city, Theon was demoted to the back and Jon was driving, everything was fine for a while until Arya started to yell,
"THEON'S CHEATING AT TIC TAC TOE!"
"LIES! I'M WEARING MY LUCKY PANTIES." Theon pointed to a decrepit-looking thong on his head.
"HIS O'S ARE OUT OF LINE!"
"YEAH, EXACTLY, THAT'S WHY I MADE A CURVY LINE TO CONNECT THEM!"
"THAT'S CHEATING!"
"DANG IT!" Theon screamed, "MY FIFTH GRADE WINNING STREAK IS A LIE, guess I wore this thing for nothing." Theon ripped the thong off his head, "Oh, uh, Jon, remind me to wash this later. It's totes not as lucky as I thought it was. Dany, give me your phone, I want to complain to your boyfriend."
"Robb, do you have almonds?" said Robert,
"No, sorry, we could pull over and get some probably."
"No. I only eat the kind my Mommy grows."
"Haha, and I'm the weird one." said Theon, smacking Robert in the side of the head.
...
The house was big and pink. There were two houses attached on the other side and the one on the right had a guy standing outside watering the lawn with what looked like grape juice. He had a bowl cut and was wearing sunglasses two sizes too small for his face, complete with a Hawaiian shirt and dress pants. His face looked as though he was doing an impression of someone.
"Your neighbour is staring at me." said Theon, poking Robb.
"Just don't look at him, he's our weird step-half-godcousin, Ramsay."
"He's undressing me with his eyes!" Theon squealed, prancing in a circle and covering his fully-clothed crotch with his hand and hissing.
"Really?" said Dany, "How can you tell?"
Ramsay waved, kept the same expression on his face and went back to watering.
"Remember Ramsay?" asked Jon, "He went to elementary school with us, he used to live in the building."
"...Ramsay Bolton? He made me eat a stick in second grade. He sat on my head until I ate the whole stick." Theon remembered, "After that experience I forgot how to read and use a fork."
"You ate it, I was proud of you." Robb congratulated, unlocking the door. "And now you know how you read and use a fork again, you're an inspiration."
"This is some classy shit!" said Robert, kicking off his shoes and sliding down the shiny hallway in his socks. He hit a wall, "GIVE ME TWO SECONDS, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL MAKE THIS FRICKING HOUSE FLY."
"The house hates him already." said Dany, "The house understands."
"Okay, Sansa and Dany and Arya, you ladies have to share a room."
"Ooh, yeah I can't wait to become a darnling like these!" Arya sobbed,
"Everyone look away!" Theon yelled, brandishing a lot of weed. "I don't want the youngens to see this dank kush!"
"I see it. I see those drugs." Arya seethed, lunging at the bag. "You're under arrest, Threon!"
...
Dany was shaken awake that night by a clammy, sticky hand that smelled like pulled pork and window cleaner.
"Who the fuck-"
"Help me." squeaked Theon's voice.
"ARE YOU THREE?" Dany whisper-screamed, "What's wrong?"
"There's someone hiding under my bed, I need you to wake Robb up, he's my white knight."
"Go to sleep, you're on crack."
Theon clunked away down the hall whimpering, Dany heard a few dull thumps and Robb whining, then heard Theon explaining, there was the sound of two sets of feet running down the hall. Robb wrenched her out of bed.
"Dany, you're coming with us, welcome to the Force." he tossed her a letter opener and they went back down the hall, Dany found herself lunging at Theon with the little knife at times.
Robb peeped under Theon's bed and screamed, jumping back and hitting the wall. The neighbour from earlier slid smugly out from under the bed.
"Aaah!" Theon yelled, grabbing Dany's hand, she pulled it away.
"Ramsay? How'd you get in here?"
"Aw, am I in your house?"
"Yes..."
"Silly me, always getting lost, I chased a squirrel in here, found it! haha!" Ramsay brandished an orange Croc.
"That's a Croc." said Theon. "It's a sin, you peasant. Miranda Cosgrove. Nickelback. I recently joined Tumblr, in case you're wondering my url is YARA GREYJOY IS A DICK DOT COM ."
"It's a squirrel, I can assure you, I skinned it and made it into a shoe." Ramsay smirked, stroking the Croc, "You have beautiful eyes."
"I'm gonna vom." Theon squealed,
"Don't vom in here, Threon."
"Nope, not gonna work, I'm already mid-vom."
"Do it into the squirrel!"
...
Dany and Sansa came downstairs the next morning to find Ramsay sitting at the kitchen table, with what looked like an older version of him, a chubby girl who smelled like tree and a blonde girl with pulled pork stuck in her teeth. Robb was sitting with his head in his hands.
"Ladies, you know Ramsay, well, this is his dad, Roose Bolton, his girlfriend and our neighbour Walda and Kyra, who lives down the street."
Dany was about to say hi but was interrupted by Theon sliding down the banister.
"YEAH, COLE SLAW!" he squealed.
"No cole-slaw, you're just FUCKING delusional."
"Dany, don't be an asshole." Robb growled through his teeth, "Childhood scars, remember..."
"Well, hello, there." said Kyra, "Theon Greyjoy, right?"
"Yeah! She knows me!"
"I sure can't wait to release the Kraken."
"Haha, it's funny because it's a sexual reference." said Dany monotonously. "Big whoop."
"DON'T BE SUCH AN ASSLAMP!" Theon screamed,
"Asslamp?"
"Uninspired!" Ramsay yelled, smacking Theon on the inner thigh, "Sweet babies, you've got some rock-hard thighs there."
"You're invading my personal bubble."
"Your bubble is my bubble." Ramsay whispered in Theon's ear. "Your world is my world, Imma tell you one time..."
"You smell like onions and ickiness." Theon shuddered, taking a radish out of his pocket. Nobody knew where it came from, nobody would ever know.
"You smell like a promising new friend-slash-pet, what are your opinions on litter boxes and not bathing?"
"It's bad."
"Don't just say 'its bad'." said Ramsay, doing an impression of Theon's voice. "Don't knock it till you..." he paused, "Shit, I felt really confident going into that one."
"Don't worry son." said Walda, "Remember that speech I gave you last night? Son?"
"YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER."
"Yeah, because you were the product of a bachelor party in Vegas." said Roose.
"Dang y'all." Ramsay stroked Theon's hair. "Are you a fast runner, Theon?"
"Stop petting me."
"Kyra's a fast runner. I have six weiner dogs and they like running after people. Your name is too complicated."
"Nope. Not really."
"Can I call you Reek?"
"Aaahhh..."
"Oh look at you boys all bonding, that's why I'm proud to have you as my son, Ramseed."
"YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER."