Chapter 6

The Doctor was worried about Ace.

After calling for help and Devon being rushed to the medical centre, Laura had done all she could to comfort her, but Ace just wanted to sit alone by a window as she watched the sun setting, sinking into a sky streaked amber and purple, it was the sun set she had wanted to watch with Devon but now she was watching it alone...

Laura had gone off to find a vending machine to get some coffee.

The Doctor stood there, leaning against the wall instead of taking a seat as he fixed his gaze on Ace, and he felt more regret than she would ever know:

Devon's last words to him before he passed out had been to tell Ace the truth.

But Ace hadn't even thought about that, not now she was here, waiting for news of her lover.

The Doctor drew in a deep breath and as he spoke he felt as if his words were fighting their way through glue; it was getting stuck in his throat before he said it, because he did not want to tell her the truth, that he had known something she was unaware of, and he had also known it from the very start...

But she would work it out for herself soon, when she thought about it...

"Ace..."

She gave no reply, her head still turned to the window.

"Ace..."

His second attempt to find his voice came out clearly, but it did nothing to lessen the dread building deep in his twin hearts.

She turned her head.

Her eyes were glazed but she had stopped shedding tears now, she was pulling herself together, deciding to be strong and hope for good news. Ace was not the kind of person to cave in emotionally for anything, she was a fighter and had been all her life. She would stay strong for Devon, he knew that was what she had resolved to do.

And he couldn't begin to predict her reaction and how it would change when she learned the terrible truth...

"What, Professor?" she asked him, and her voice was hushed, as if she was still in shock from Devon's sudden collapse.

He wondered if he would be better off waiting a while longer, but then cancelled that thought, because it was a selfish one, and he had been selfish for long enough in his need to protect her, yet knowing his choice was hurting her at the same time and now, now it had to end.

"Devon was harmed by the radiation."

She just looked at him blankly, as if the statement was obvious as she cast her mind back to the state he had been in when they had first met back at the base.

"I know, but he got over that...why would he be so sick now?"

The Doctor looked at her.

Ace looked back at him.

Their gaze stayed fixed on one another as he stepped closer to the chair where she sat and he looked down at her.

"I need to tell you something," he said quietly.

And Ace was looking up at him, a rosy glow cast across her face and hair from the rays of the sinking sun beyond the window.

This was it.

This was the moment their friendship would be torn apart, he knew it, he was a dreading it but the moment was now because her expression was changing as she caught the look in his eyes and confusion filled her own.

"Professor?" she said, "What do you know? Is this about Devon?"

"The radiation he was exposed to was designed to seep into every living thing in the sealed chamber when the security seal was shattered. He was the only one present. He absorbed something like one hundred and twenty percent Xaygrolium radiation."

Ace was still looking at him. She had heard him, but his explanation was yet to sink in.

"And he got over it."

The Doctor slowly shook his head.

"No, Ace. That was just a phase of the poisoning. It went dormant before it started to take effect. Xaygrolium exposure is treatable up to a maximum of ten percent with a life expectancy of five years. Devon was exposed to much, much more than that. I'm sorry, but he's dying."

Ace continued to look at him for a moment, and then she shook her head.

"No," she said, "No, that can't be right...no..."

And then she rose from her seat and took a step forward, glaring into his eyes.

"He told you to tell me...is that what he meant?"

The Doctor nodded.

"Ace, I'm sorry, he wanted to wait until he had to tell you, he loves you, he was happy and -"

The stinging slap to his face cut off his words.

Ace was trembling as tears ran from her eyes and she looked at him in fury.

"You didn't tell me? YOU DIDN'T BLOODY TELL ME? "

Tears were spilling down her face as anger turned to hatred.

"How could you keep this a secret, Professor? WHY?"

And suddenly he had no more words, at least none would come because tears that filled his eyes choked up his voice.

He drew in a sharp breath, barely able to look at Ace for fear of seeing the rage in her eyes. This was it, the moment he had dreaded, and it was every bit as painful as he had expected it to be...

"Because I saw you happy! Because he's dying and he knows it and it was his choice alone!"

Her eyes widened in disbelief.

"But if you'd told me at the start -"

"If I'd told you, what?" the Doctor said sharply, "You wouldn't have loved him? Wouldn't have let your human heart open up to him? You would have shut off all emotion and turned your back? Ace, I've known the true nature of the human race for all of time and one thing that can not change is their capacity for it!"

"For what?" she demanded.

He drew in a slow breath and blinked away tears as he wished he could cancel out the pain in his own hearts.

"For love, Ace," he said in a low voice, "It's the one thing you can't stop feeling...every living creature in the universe capable of emotion succumbs to it, but none do it as well as you humans!"

Ace took a step back, rage still burning in her eyes as she struggled to hold back her anger and remembered that Devon needed her, and this was solving nothing.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I did what I thought was best. I left the matter with Devon."

Ace wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.

"You knew!" she said bitterly, and then as he reached for her, she turned her back.

And the Doctor felt sure in that moment, that as she turned away it hurt more than the rage in her eyes, more than the slap to his face. It hurt more than anything could, ever...

He felt terrified, the thought raced through his mind that he had lost her, he had lost Ace, she had slipped through his fingers and...

Since when had Ace ever been his to lose?

He still couldn't face the reasoning behind that question that hung in his mind and refused to evaporate.

"I'm sorry," he told her quietly, "I thought I was doing the right thing! Being a Time Lord doesn't guarantee perfection, I'm -"

"Miss McShane?"

The Doctor fell silent, standing back and half turning to the window and the glow of the setting sun as the nurse began to talk to Ace.

He said nothing, just listened, and as the conversation unfolded, his hearts ached terribly for Ace.

"As you know Professor Travis is suffering from heavy Xaygrolium exposure," she said, "And his condition is terminal."

Ace drew in a slow breath.

"Yes," she said quietly, "I do now...I know that."

And the Doctor briefly closed his eyes, wishing he could have stopped and thought about his choice and why he made it:

He couldn't protect Ace from this, not this, he should have told her at the start, but at the time, he had thought only of protecting her – his head had been ruled by his own selfishness, the need to control the situation, to keep Ace happy simply because he could not bear to see her cry. And it had ended badly, and there was nothing he could do to put it right now...

The nurse was still talking.

"We have tried to send the radiation back into the dormant phase, but the treatment has left him extremely weak. And he will not recover from this flare up because it caused instant damage."

"What kind of damage?" Ace said in a hushed voice.

"The radiation attacked his internal organs. We can't replace the tissues with cybernetic grafts because his whole body is affected and the grafts would not be successful. So the only other choice was to remove the affected tissue and close the wounds with a cybernetic seal."

Ace sounded shocked as she spoke up again.

"What's happened to him?"

"Professor Travis has had two thirds of his stomach removed, there was also a flare up in his lower spine so we had to remove some bone and tissue, he will not be able to walk following this procedure – but as I said, he is dying and he will never recover from the damage already sustained."

"How long does he have left?" Ace asked her.

"Perhaps between two and six months. It depends how well he responds to the treatment he's been given, he was heavily exposed and I'm afraid the outlook isn't good."

"I want to see him."

"Yes of course. Come with me."

And then they walked off down the corridor, and the Doctor blinked away tears, those tears had sprung to his eyes the moment he had heard grief in her voice as she struggled to speak as emotion choked off her words.

Ace McShane meant more to him than he dared to think about, and he had just wrecked everything, ruined the whole of the bond that held them together in a precious friendship by choosing to remain silent when he ought to have spoken out.

Being a Time Lord didn't make him immune from regret for mistakes, he had been trying to tell her that before the nurse had arrived.

But it was too late now.

Ace hated him and he knew he deserved that hatred...

He began to walk down the corridor, towards the room where Ace would be anxiously watching over her dying lover.

As the Doctor opened the door he felt like he had no place to be there, this was about Ace and Devon, and in many ways he felt like an intruder, so stood there in the open doorway as Ace sat next to Devon's bed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said tearfully.

As she reached for his hand and gently took hold of it, Devon opened his eyes and slowly turned his head and met her gaze. He was pale and shivering, he looked weak all of a sudden and the lines that ran into his arms seemed to be doing little to ease his pain.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I knew I was in trouble when I shattered the radioactive seal...it was stupid, really – one man stopping a countdown, saving the world for the price of his own existence...I'm not a hero. If I was, I would have died there and then, got it over with. Not lingered and lied to you and made such a mess."

And he drew in a slow breath and briefly closed his eyes again, then looked at Ace once more.

"I would have told you! I just didn't know how to! I wanted to be happy just for a while, can't you understand that?"

Pain reflected in her eyes as she nodded.

"I get it but you could have told me sooner... before this happened!"

"I tried," he said weakly as he struggled to hold back tears, "But it was perfect...who would want to shatter that?"

And the Doctor stood in silence, not daring to speak up in case she turned around and he saw that hatred in her eyes that caused him such deep pain.

His hearts were racing as he also struggled to hold back tears. Ace was broken by the news but trying so hard to be compassionate, she had just become aware of the truth – that her time with him would be short.

Of course she would forgive Devon, she would do that instantly.

But the Doctor knew the anger she held towards him for remaining silent would last a lifetime...

He summoned shaky courage and found his voice.

"Ace..."

She turned her head, that look was burning in her eyes and breaking his hearts at the same time.

"What do you want?" she said in a low voice as she continued to hold Devon's hand.

"I'm going to return the power core to its planet of manufacture. And then I'm coming back and I'm going to find you and Devon a proper place to stay."

He glanced at Laura who was now standing beside him.

"I want you to stay with Ace and Devon. I won't be gone long."

Ace replied through gritted teeth.

"I don't care if you never come back!"

And Laura saw hurt register in his eyes and it went far deeper than it should for someone who was a mere companion...she didn't want to think too much about what that look implied because it was a fleeting glance – but a look could say so much...

Then the Doctor turned to her as he blinked rapidly to clear his vision.

And in that moment Laura knew – he felt something for Ace McShane. Perhaps he would never admit it for fear of jeopardising their friendship, but he cared deeply for her...

"I'll be back soon," he promised her and briefly kissed her cheek, and then he was gone, a lonely man walking away to return to his Police Box.

Laura closed the door and stood there looking at Ace, who was stroking Devon's hair as he slipped into an uneasy sleep.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked, and Ace shook her head, her gaze still fixed on her sleeping lover as he trembled and drew in a sharp breath, fighting pain that ran through his body.

"I'll be outside, then," she added, and quietly left the room.

Ace looked down at Devon as his body shuddered and then his breathing began to relax.

"You would have followed me through time and space," she whispered, "Just to be with me. No one's ever loved me like that, not like you do...I won't leave you now, I promise."

And then as his grip on her hand relaxed, Ace watched anxiously, gripped by a sudden fear that shot ice through her blood, but as she watched the rise and fall of his chest, for now, the fear subsided, because Devon Travis was still alive, still breathing...

The journey through space and time to return the power core to the place of manufacture had taken moments. He had returned the core, still locked in the case, and then returned to the Tardis, but as he reached for the lever to activate the space-time controls, he stopped, pausing for thought:

Ace loved Devon. He knew it and he didn't want to think about why his own hearts ached so much over that fact.

But did Devon love her as much as he claimed?

Perhaps.

Or, perhaps not, perhaps Ace was convenient, perhaps he loved her but in a way that had been brought about by circumstance rather than a meeting of hearts...

She was easy to fall in love with.

The Doctor knew that more than anyone – and he still didn't want to think about that.

But something was still nagging at him.

He wasn't certain of anything as he followed his instincts and consulted the time line as laid out by the Tardis, and then set the co ordinates for Earth, three weeks after the cover up inferno had reduced the research laboratory to ash...

The Doctor paused again as the Tardis landed, not ready to open the doors, because thoughts were with Ace far off on the future Earth colony.

His thoughts were always with Ace.

He knew his thoughts would never be elsewhere, he had known it right back to the day he had talked with her about the universe being full of the pain of unrequited love.

And what a pain it was to bear:

To love one person, that one person who was out of his reach...

It had just hit him.

Yes, he really did love her, in a way that would never fade or slip away.

And he had lived for years with her beside him, his friend, loved one, beloved precious Ace who meant more to him than the whole of the twelve galaxies.

And he could never be with her, never know her love returned.

He knew it for sure now, because his fate had been sealed once and for all by her love for another man. It didn't matter that she would lose him to death – dying wouldn't kill her love, that would burn on for the rest of her mortal days because real love was like that.

Her love for him, her love for another man...

And he didn't fight the tears than ran down his face as he thought about it.

His hearts ached, and then he brushed away tears she would never see and took in a deep breath and left the Tardis, stepping outside into a large churchyard filled with old grave stones.

The Doctor stood by the shade of a yew tree as he watched the mourners file out of the church. This was the memorial service for the victims of the Cyberman attack – except they would never know the truth, because it had been covered up with a fire that had disintegrated everything, reducing the building and the bodies inside to ash...

He waited, watching as the men and women walked away towards several parked limousines. All were draped in the colour of mourning and they said little as they departed – but what could they say, about a fire that was alleged to have wiped out everything, cremating their loved ones in the process?

The Doctor's hearts weighed with sadness as he saw faces of strangers and felt their grief:

A father who had lost a son or daughter, a weeping woman who was now a widow, a young woman with a child in her arms who had lost a father or an uncle...

So many grieving souls because of the Cybermen.

Anger burned in his eyes fierce as the fires of time as he recalled arriving too late, after the attack on the base. But it had happened now, and the Cyberman attack was yet to claim the final life in this tragedy – Professor Devon Travis lay dying on a far away planet in the distant future, the final victim, dying because he had smashed the seal and stopped the countdown.

This world should have been obliterated on that day, it would have been, but for the actions of a man who sacrificed his own future to save the world...

And something was still nagging at him.

Devon must have left someone behind, friends, family...

There was a sea of flowers neatly piled outside the church.

The scent of them filled the air cancelling out the usual sickly sweet air church yards carried. Every bouquet bore a message. All had been written by the grieving and it made the air feel heavy.

The Doctor walked into the church and here the only scent that lingered was age and beeswax polish. He walked slowly down the aisle to the front pew, where a single mourner still sat alone, draped in black...

The Doctor reached the front pew and sat down beside her.

She was wearing a sheer veil and through it he saw her eyes were pale but tear stained and her dark hair was tied back.

She was just sitting there, eyes fixed on the cross on the wall as she remained lost in her own thoughts, no doubt asking silent questions to God and hoping the one she mourned for somehow knew she was here...

"I was late for the service," he said quietly, "I hope it went well."

She was still looking ahead.

"Yes," she replied, "So many people said kind words about everyone...all of them, all the people who died on that day. But words are not enough. Words can't bring them back."

"Very true," the Doctor replied, "I was here for a friend of mine – a Professor Travis. Did you know him?"

And the woman looked at him sharply and raised her veil.

"Know him?" she said in a shocked voice, "Of course I did, he was my partner! We lived together for seven years!"

And the Doctor fell silent for a moment as he gathered his thoughts.

Devon had said he had never known true love until he met Ace.

Perhaps that was true, or perhaps not...

"I never knew," he replied, "He didn't mention you."

Resentment briefly flashed in her eyes and then it was dampened out by grief once more.

"He rarely did," she told him, "We didn't have an easy life together. Always fighting, always quarrels..everything had to be his way, it was all about Devon. But I forgave him because I loved him, even when he left me for another woman, I forgave him and sure enough he came back to me...same old story. But we can't chose who we fall in love with, can we?"

And again the Doctor thought of Ace.

"No," he relied honestly, "We can't choose that."

And then he rose from his seat.

"Well, the service is over. I'd better go. It was nice meeting you, Miss -"

"Meade," she said, "Faith Meade... and you are?"

He smiled.

"Just the Doctor," he said, "It was nice meeting you, Miss Meade. And I'm truly sorry for your loss."

And then he turned away and walked back up the aisle and out of the church.

When the Doctor stepped outside, he drew in a breath of floral scented air and pushed away thoughts of guilt, it had been hard it sit beside Faith as she grieved for Devon, believing him to be dead when he knew he was still alive and far away on a distant planet in the distant future...

But this was enough of a mess without dragging yet another person into the mix. Faith had mourned for her loss and believed him dead, and now it seemed best for her believe the lie...

He walked back up the path, past the flowers and the old graves, and returned it the Tardis.

As the door closed and he walked over to the console he paused for thought again, knowing he could keep no more secrets from Ace, not ever.

His hearts still weighed heavy as he set the space-time controls and set the Tardis on a course back to the Earth colony:

He owed Ace nothing less than honesty now, and he would ensure that he gave her the truth.

But it didn't make him feel any better about doing so as the Tardis vanished and set off on a journey back towards the Earth colony where Ace remained at the bedside of her lover.

The Doctor wanted to do the right thing, not for himself but for Ace and only Ace, not even to set right his past mistakes, but to be honest and open and tell her everything – and he knew this time he had to, for her sake:

But it didn't make the task that lie ahead any easier – he knew in order to give her that truth, he would have to question a dying man and demand to hear the truth...