Chapter 7

The Tardis had materialised back on the Earth colony, and the Doctor stood there alone in the console room still thinking on his intentions:

The thought had crossed his mind to simply delay his return, arrive back here in a few month's time...

Did Devon have months,or was it weeks, or even days?

If he had come back later, it would have been over and so simple, collecting grieving Ace and taking her home to the Tardis...

No.

He was not a coward, nor did he wish to ever shy away from any task,no matter how difficult.

He wanted to be fair, to do what was right, but the lines were blurred by the sentence of death that hung over Professor Devon Travis, a man whose life would not have been out of the ordinary in any way had he not chosen to save the world from destruction...

The Doctor gave a heavy sigh and walked out of the Tardis and stood there looking towards the tall building in the heart of town where Devon was desperately clinging to what remained of his life. He was still thinking on the best way to handle the new information as he began to walk along the road that led to the medical centre, and with every step he took he was also aware it took him a step closer to Ace once more...

Devon was resting and Ace was at his bedside.

As the Doctor walked into the room, he glanced at Ace, saw a flicker of anger was still present in her eyes, but now it seemed she was more concerned about Devon and that concern had done much to dampen down her rage.

"I returned the power core," he said, "And now I'd like to find you and Devon a suitable place to live... if you'll allow me to do that."

Ace blinked away tears. She was still holding on to his hand and Devon had closed his eyes and was sleeping deeply.

"They said the treatment he had won't make much of a difference," she told him quietly, "He could be gone in a month, or even sooner... "

She drew in a sharp breath and held back from weeping, determined not to scream and cry and let out her pain at this moment as her lover lay resting.

"They just don't know how long, not for sure..."

"Perhaps it will be much longer than you think," he said hopefully, "He's got a huge incentive to stay alive - he has you."

And as the Doctor's gaze fell on Devon, he watched him sleeping, his pale skin shining with perspiration as he took slow breaths.

And now his mind was made up:

He would say nothing because there was nothing positive to be gained from questioning a dying man's motives for declaring love for anyone...

"Thanks,"Ace said quietly, "It would be nice if we could go somewhere -he doesn't want to die in here."

The Doctor stepped closer to the bed, close enough to look into her eyes, but not too close because he was too aware she wouldn't want him to get any closer, because she hadn't forgiven his secrecy yet, and probably never would...

"I'll also arrange for a nurse to stay with him at all times -"

"I don't want him being cared for by a stranger, not twenty four hours a day. I want to look after him, I mean as much as possibly can -"

"Ace, I don't think you realise what you're taking on,"he told her, and then he dropped his voice lower, "He's dying! It won't be easy. Part time care won't be enough, you won't be able to cope -"

"Stop telling me what I can and can't do!" she said sharply, and the tone of her voice wounded him far more than he dared to show.

"I'll sort out the accommodation,"he said, "And then we'll talk about the rest. I just want to help, Ace."

"I know you do,"she replied, but her attention was turned back to her lover as he lay sleeping, and the Doctor quietly left the room to go and find Laura, and make some new plans.

The time passed.

The Doctor found Ace an apartment close to the beach and arranged for a nurse to be on call for Devon, the place was a short distance from town and Ace was happy with that arrangement - although the Doctor was not happy to watch Ace grow more and more anxious as each day passed and Devon remained weak but very much alive and determined to stay that way. On a good day when he didn't need the pain blocked with drugs he could sit up in bed and watch the tide rolling to the shore, and Ace would sit with him, never leaving his side.

The Doctor was glad Devon enjoyed the beach front view, he elt it was the least he could do for him – he had wanted a sea view, now he had one until his last breath...

The Doctor had rented the apartment next door and moved into it with Laura, although he felt slightly guilty for sharing his life with her when his thoughts remained with Ace. He had lost count of the times he had felt her breath warm against his back as she whispered softly to him in the dead of night and he had faked sleep because his hearts were aching for someone he knew he could never be with.

He was waiting for Devon to die.

Just the thought of it made him feel guilty, because he did not want Devon, or anyone else, to lose their life. He hated the thought of fragile humans coming to an end. But it was the only way the situation would end, and at least then he would find out the answer to the question that had been tormenting him:

What would Ace do after Devon's death?

Would she leave this place and agree to return to the Tardis?

Or would she turn her back again and tell him to leave alone?

Laura had settled in the weeks that had passed, she had settled well into life on the Earth colony and she had recently taken over as security guard for the apartment complex when the former guard had retired. She now had a home a job and a life here.

But he was yet to tell her he planned to step into the blue box that was standing in the corner of their front room and leave once Ace had made her choice...

He didn't know if Laura would agree to go with him. He wanted to care deeply about her answer when he made his offer to travel the stars with him, but Ace was still firmly lodged deep in his twin hearts and the truth he shared with no one refused to fade out...

The Doctor was thinking deeply about Ace as he opened the door and stepped out on to the patio. A short distance away, just over a low wall, was the beach and the deep blue water that ran to shore, rushing at the yellow sand like rolls of pure white silk.

He stood by the wall, placed his hands on it and looked across the beach, watching the water, then looking out to the horizon as he became lost in his thoughts once more.

His own voice echoed in his head as he turned over all the things he could share with no one:

I am a Time Lord with many lifetimes behind me and many more to come. I should know better, I should know not to fall in love with a human but I did and to my cost... To my eternal cost even when her lifespan is over! I can't shut to off like turning out a light. I love Ace McShane and I can never tell her because she calls me Professor, she looks up to me just like she did in her youth when we first met - and her heart lies with Devon Travis.

If I told her the truth she would have even more reason to hate me – I can see it now, that look that rips at both my hearts, she'd give me that look and ask what was the point now, after he's gone and she's broken by his loss?

What's the point in any of this?

I try to do the right thing always, sometimes I fail but nobody is perfect, not even me. All it would take is a moment of magnificent courage to come out with it and say, I love you.

But I can't do it and I don't think I ever will...

All I have ever wanted is to look into your eyes, summon that impossible amount of courage and TELL you how I feel. But I can't do it, Ace.

I just can't do it...

The Doctor drew in a deep breath and watched as far off waves caught sunbeams, turning them into dancing diamonds on the surface of the water.

Life held such beauty at times and could hold so much more if he could have shared it with the one person who was hopelessly out of his reach...

The waves sighed to shore and then tugged back again, pulled out by the current and as he watched them, he thought of how his own heart felt like that, tugged by the ebb and flow of unrequited love in a situation that could never be resolved; they rolled in and out and back again like his own yearnings to Tell her, don't tell her, try to tell her, don't dare to tell her... And like the ebb and flow of the tide, his story was not unique and was as old as time itself – yes, the universe was full of the pain of unrequited love...

The Doctor continued to watch the water run to shore.

He could have stepped over the low, adjoining wall that led into the next patio, opened the door and gone inside and spent some time with Ace.

But she was with Devon, and he knew he was not welcome.

So he remained where he stood, watching a sea that seemed to sympathise with his pain.

In the apartment next door, Ace was sitting on the edge of Devon's bed.

He was sitting up leaning against pillows and his breathing was slightly laboured as perspiration made his skin shine. He was pale and shadows hung under his eyes and he had lost weight, he was also confined to bed because of the paralysis to his lower body, but it had not stopped Ace sleeping beside him every night, and sharing kisses with him when he had a rare good day when the pain left him alone.

He had been in terrible pain earlier that morning and she had called the nurse, who had given him a large dose of pain relief and stayed for another two hours to be sure he was comfortable before she left once more.

Every time Ace watched the nurse controlling his pain she felt as if her heart was breaking because pain relief was his only course of treatment now, and that reminded her that even when he had better days, he was still a dying man... But for now, he was not in pain and as he took hold of her hand he turned from the view of the sea beyond the open window and smiled.

"I'm so glad I found you, Ace," he said to her, "I'd been lonely all my life – I mean, there had been women, but none made me feel like you do. I just wish I hadn't met you at the end, I wish we could have had more time together. I would have done anything to make a life with you – I would have left my old life behind, walked away from everything -"

"I thought you said you had no one to miss back on earth?"

Ace looked at him with confusion clouding her eyes.

"Well...I sort of had a girlfriend, she didn't mean anything special to me.. I certainly didn't love her like I love you!"

Ace stared at him.

"But you said there was no one -"

"There isn't!" he insisted, and he coughed, and then he drew in a deep breath before he spoke again.

"She was more of a friend, nothing serious. I had no one close in my life. No one I could talk to how I talk with you, I couldn't have had that closeness with anyone. That's why it's so unfair I found you at the end. We should have had years together, that's what seems so unfair to me."

"But we have now," she reminded him, "And you're coping really well. You're no worse than you was a week ago, Devon. I think you're going to prove them all wrong. I think you're going to live for a long, long time."

He leaned back against the pillow and took in a slow breath as thoughts of his life back on Earth came to mind and the moment he smashed the radioactive seal played over and over in his head, repeating like a broken record.

"Ace..."

His voice was choked as tears filled his eyes and he gripped her hand tighter.

"What's wrong?" she said anxiously, recalling how the pain had taken hold so quickly hours before.

But Devon's mind was filled with recollection of the moment he had smashed the radioactive seal, thinking of nothing but stopping the countdown, stopping the explosion that would have destroyed Earth...

"I don't want to die!" he sobbed, "I'm so scared...Please don't let me die, Ace!"

She gently wrapped her arms around him and held him as he wept, and then as he drew in a weak breath and fought to compose his emotions, she saw fear in his eyes.

"I keep thinking about it...I acted on instinct, I had to stop the timer...or everyone would have died. But they lived. They all lived and I'm the one who has to die, it's not fair!"

"You did a brave thing!" Ace reminded him as she wiped away his years, "You saved the world, Devon!"

Another tear ran down his face.

"I saved it for everyone who gets to live," he said quietly, "My world is over, I'm dying."

"But you did something amazing!" Ace reminded him, "You saved the world! And I love you for being so selfless and courageous and -"

"Selfless?" he laughed bitterly, "Oh Ace, did you really think that of me? I'm no hero, I'm just the stupid fool who didn't think before I acted, I made an impulsive choice and this is the consequence, a slow and painful death!"

"But that choice you made was the right one, it was the choice the Doctor would have made if he had been there!"

Devon shook his head.

"No, I think your Time Lord friend is far too wise after so many lifetimes to have thrown his life away like I did. He would have thought of another solution, he wouldn't have been so impulsive. He's too old, he's seen too much of the universe to make such a mistake."

Ace leaned closer and looked into his eyes.

"You saved the world and lost your own life in the process. And I love you Devon, I love you whether you live for another hour or another year. And even when you're gone, I'll still love you."

"And I'll love you beyond death if its possible," he promised her, and as their lips touched he closed his eyes, losing himself in a moment of warmth where love swept over him and he knew nothing and thought of nothing but holding Ace McShane and returning her kiss.

And then he pulled back from her embrace, coughing up blood and weakly struggling to sit up.

Ace grabbed a hand towel and quickly wiped it away. Devon coughed again but this time no blood choked him.

"Not again," Ace said anxiously, "Are you okay, is there any pain?"

Devon blinked, looked to Ace with startled eyes and shook his head.

"Not this time... I think it's stopped now."

And he rested against the pillow, briefly closing his eyes as he took in a few deep breaths to reassure himself.

"No, it's definitely stopped," he said as he looked at her, "I'm okay...for now."

Ace was shaking.

She guessed if it was visible, Devon hadn't noticed, but she could feel it, as if the sight of the blood had jarred her bones like a physical blow, a sharp reminder of his inevitable end.

"It was painful last time," he told her, "But the nurse gave me some strong pain relief. I'm not hurting at all, I can't feel anything."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," he promised her, and he gave her hand a squeeze.

Anxiety was in her eyes as she looked at him intently, desperate to be sure he was telling the truth and not trying to stop her from worrying. Worry had been her constant companion since she had learned of his diagnosis, and he had tried many times to play down the terrible pain he felt – but not today. She knew he could be nothing less than honest now, because he was weak and had broken down more than once that day as he thought about the hopelessness of his situation.

"I kept hoping the Doctor would have found a cure for me, that somewhere out in space and time there was a way to save my life," he added quietly.

"Even the Doctor can't save you," Ace replied as she used every ounce of her determination not to cry, "He told me, there is no cure for the type of radiation that affected you. That's why it was chosen to protect the power core."

"And knowing that makes it no easier to accept," he replied as he looked into her eyes,"I keep thinking about what I did, how many lives I saved and at the end of the day, I feel nothing but regret for losing my own in the process."

Ace stared at him.

"But you're a hero!"

He smiled briefly and shook his head.

"No Ace, I made a choice without thinking, I made a mistake for myself no matter what the outcome for the rest of the world. Nobody wants to die. We all want to live forever, or be like your friend the Doctor, living on through life after life, never truly giving in to death. We all want to cheat the reaper. Including me! And I'm not a hero, you don't know who I was before the radiation, before I stopped the countdown. I was the man who saved the world but that was an act that took up a split second of a life in which I've been many other things - and not all of them good."

She saw deep sincerity in his eyes and knowing that set her on edge.

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"That there are things you don't know about me and I'm glad you don't know. If you want to remember me when I'm gone and think of a hero, that's up to you. But I know exactly what I was like before this happened and I was no hero, Ace. And if I lived my life over again, if I had the chance to do that – I would be exactly the same as before with no regrets, because that's who I really am. And you probably wouldn't have looked at me twice."

As she looked at him she wondered why she saw a flicker of something in his eyes she had never seen before – as if she was looking at a stranger...

"There's a side to me you never knew," he told her, "Be glad about that."

Ace drew in a deep breath, keeping hold of his hand as sure as she intended to keep her own view of the man she loved, seeing him as her hero, and casting aside all else he had told her.

"None of it matters now," she said to him, "All we have is now, today, tomorrow – next month, we can't think think ahead, too far, so why should you think back? We need to make the most of every moment."

And then the darkened look was gone from his eyes, replaced by the light of love as he smiled and gave her hand another squeeze.

"You make me happy," he whispered, and he closed his eyes and slipped into a deep sleep.

As the Doctor entered the apartment via the open patio door, he listened, heard no sound and went through to the hallway, and then up to the open door of the bedroom.

Ace was beside Devon, who was sleeping deeply. The Doctor watched as she stroked his hair and spoke in tones too soft to catch words as she watched over him.

He tapped quietly on the door and she turned her head and saw him standing there but did not smile. Her eyes had stopped lighting up at the sight of him since she had found out how much he had kept from her, and it still hurt him deep in his twin hearts to know that she resented his choices.

"How is he?" he asked her, and she let go of Devon's hand and left his bedside and made her way out of the room without making a sound.

Then Ace stood in the hallway and kept her voice low as she replied to his question.

"He's been coughing up blood again. But this time it didn't hurt."

And despite how tired she looked, she smiled.

"He's not in pain now. That's got to be a good thing."

"I'm sure it is," he replied, agreeing with her simply to spare her feelings yet again – Devon felt no pain because the pain relief dose was so high, and his body would not be able to tolerate much more of it...

"I wanted to ask if you needed anything," he added, "And I want you to know me and Laura are next door, don't forget that – we are here for you too. Don't shut us out if you need us."

"I can cope," Ace replied and he saw defiance burning in her eyes and understood that she needed him to back off.

"The offer's always there," he reminded her, "Just in case you need it."

"ACE!"

Devon had called her name weakly, but she heard fear in his voice.

"He needs me, Professor. He's scared to be alone."

And then she hurried back to his bedside, and the Doctor waited outside in the hallway, watching through the open door as Ace tried to comfort her dying lover.

As Devon looked up at Ace she saw fear in his eyes.

"I told you, don't leave me!" he said, "I don't want to fall asleep on my own...I might not wake up again..."

Ace stroked his hair as she looked into his eyes.

"Everything is fine," she whispered, "Don't be scared. I love you I'm here for you. I'll never leave you, Devon."

The sound of his strained and rapid breathing cut through a moment of silence as he looked at her, and then he began to relax once more.

"I know you won't leave me," he said weakly, "Come here, Ace..."

And she smiled as she climbed on to the bed and lay beside him, putting her arm around him. He rested his head on her shoulder and gave a sigh.

"I'm okay," he said softly, "I can sleep now."

And there was a faint trace of a smile about his lips as he he drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly and Ace kissed his cheek, and then she held him closer as he rested beside her.

And the Doctor turned away from the open door, his back against the wall as he tried to push away thoughts of his own self pity at the sight of Ace in her lover's arms. He didn't want to feel love for Ace, he wanted to step back and leave them alone together, he wanted to let go of his feelings for her – but it was impossible...

He heard Ace speak and turned his head.

She was still next to Devon, and she stroked his hair and then sat up, leaning over him.

"Devon?" she whispered again.

And then she studied his face, stroked his cheek and embraced him again.

"I love you so much," she said as she held him, and then she let go gently and touched his face, stroked his hair again and took hold of his hand.

"I'm still here," she whispered.

And the Doctor walked into the room and drew in a deep breath, knowing this time there could be no holding back from the truth:

Devon was beside her, his chest had fallen still and his eyes were half open.

He reached over and felt for a pulse but found none.

"Ace," he said softly.

"Don't say it," she whispered tearfully, "I know...just don't say it and make it real!"

And the Doctor's hearts were breaking for her pain but he knew she had to hear it voiced aloud.

"Ace," he said gently, "He's dead."

And Ace kissed Devon's cheek, took a last look at him and then got off the bed.

"I'm here for you -"

"DON'T!" she yelled, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

And her face was streaked with tears and he reached for her again, but Ace pushed past him and ran down the hallway towards the open door.

The Doctor ran after her calling her name, but Ace did not look back as she opened the gate and ran on to the beach.

The Doctor followed, stopping as she reached the damp sand where the tide washed in and out and fell to her knees. She wrapped her hands about her body as if the pain had cut her in half and as she screamed and sobbed the sea breeze blew back her hair as tears ran from her eyes.

"Ace!" he called, and she turned her head and looked at him, eyes filled with grief and also anger as she recalled how much he had kept from her.

"Go away!" she yelled, "I never want to see you again!"

And in that moment, the Doctor made his choice.

Ace saw him turn away. She knew he was leaving, he was walking away and it didn't matter any more.

The Doctor was leaving forever and Ace knew it, and she didn't care, because she never wanted to see him again...