Chapter 2

Don was still speechless, but followed his friend's urging and stood. Danny threw some notes onto the bar and led a still-silent Don out to the parking lot.

In a few moments Don was sitting in the passenger's seat of Danny's car, staring straight ahead, desperately trying to get a handle on his thoughts- what should he do? What should he say? Should he make an excuse and leave? Should he try to put on an act and pretend everything is okay? Would that even work? Should he just tell Danny everything and hope for the best?

Danny started the car and was gazing over at his friend, who was trying his best to avoid making eye contact. Like all of Don's friends, Danny could not have failed to notice the dramatic change in the previously exuberant detective. He had asked Don many times if he was okay and if he could help, but he was always met with a polite 'I'm fine, I don't need anything'. Still, he couldn't believe that Don really was okay, you didn't need to be a scientist to work it out, so he had been keeping an eye on Don for quite some time.

For a few awkward minutes as Danny started the car, reversed out of the parking lot and drove off, the pair sat in silence. Danny half-focused on driving, half on stealing discreet glances at his friend; Don peering out into the dark, trying not to let his feelings show on his face.

'So where d'you wanna go?' Danny broke the silence at last. 'D'you want me to take you home?'

Don inhaled sharply at the thought of it- the hours he had spent at home alone with his thoughts. Staring blankly at the TV, the wall, the ceiling; unable to sleep, unable to eat- he shook his head violently and breathed out a quiet but definite 'No'. Almost reflexively he turned to face Danny-

'No, I can't'. He looked away again, scolding himself silently for the momentary loss of control.

Whatever Danny's understanding of the situation was, he seemed to grasp the need to be gentle. He turned to Don again, deliberately softening his voice:

'Do you wanna come to my place? Six pack of beer? We could watch the Shield- I've got the fourth season on dvd now.' Danny felt a little daft for suggesting it, but he knew that this was the usual formula for reviving the Flack spirit. It was clear to him that this was a very different situation, but he didn't know what else to suggest. He envied girls sometimes. If a female friend was upset, you could say to her 'let's talk about it' and even if a solution was not quickly to hand, you knew she would feel a little better. Saying the same thing to a man (especially a cop) could be the quickest way to compel him to leave the vehicle, even if it was still moving.

Don breathed in deeply to compose himself to communicate with Danny. He turned, and, while avoiding direct eye contact, nodded his agreement. Danny smiled warmly at his friend and nodded in reply.

For the rest of the journey, Don sat silently trying to counsel himself about how to behave. Should he work himself up and exchange friendly banter with Danny like they used to? Should he think up some explanation for his recent behaviour (that didn't involve admitting he was in love with his best friend)? Could he convince Danny with an act or would he see right through it?

Danny had realised that Don did not want to talk and was clearly not keen to make eye contact, so he reached forwards and switched on the radio to lessen the weight of the silence between them. It was an alternative country station he listened to a lot, and one of his favourite songs was playing:

I got green and I got blues
and everyday there's a little less difference between the two.
So I belly-up and disappear.
Well I ain't really drowning 'cause I see the beach from here.

I could take a Greyhound home but when I got there it'd be gone
along with everything a home is made up of.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.

At first Don was glad for the distraction, but as the song went on – slow, heart-rending, full of resignation and sadness, he couldn't help being drawn in.

You could come to me by plane, but that wouldn't be the same
as that old motel room in Texarkana was.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take all of what you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.


Stop me if you've heard this one before:
A man walks into a bar and leaves before his ashes hit the floor.
Stop me if I ever get that far.
The sun's a desperate star that burns like every single one before.

The tears that he had worked so hard to suppress in the bar began to pool in his eyes again. He turned to look out of the side window, digging his fingernails into his palm, concentrating on making the tears subside.

And I could find another dream,
one that keeps me warm and clean
but I ain't dreamin' anymore, I'm waking up.
So I'll take two of what you're having and I'll take everything you got
to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love.

At home or at the precinct if he felt like this, he could go to the bathroom, look into the mirror and shame the tears away. Once or twice at home he had let himself cry, but always so tough on himself, he would feel ten times worse afterwards- weak, pathetic, all the things his father had berated him for when he was a child.

He screwed his eyelids shut as hard as possible and tensed his shoulders, as if he could physically 'switch' the tears off if he used all of his strength. He could feel the car turning into the parking lot at Danny's building. If he could hold on for a few minutes more, he could excuse himself in Danny's apartment and try to regain his composure in the bathroom.

The engine noise stopped abruptly and Don could sense Danny turning around in his seat to face him. Danny put one hand gently on Don's arm and said as softly and lightly as he could

'C'mon, those beers ain't gonna drink themselves'.

Don let out a soft sighing laugh and glanced in Danny's direction, still not able to look him straight in the eye. He got out of the car, and with Danny's gentle non-verbal encouragement was able to climb the stairs to Danny's floor and follow Danny inside the apartment.

Once they were inside, Danny gestured towards the couch-

'Go sit down and decide what you wanna watch. I'm on beer duty.'

Don nodded and slipped off his jacket trying to concentrate. He slid onto Danny's couch and glanced at Danny's dvd collection. His eyes skimmed over the titles, not really taking anything in, until he felt the couch cushion dip as Danny sat down next to him. Flack crossed his arms over his stomach and tensed up again. No escape.

Danny placed a bottle of beer in front of Don. Don wasn't sure if he could drink while feeling this nauseous. His heart was pounding and he could swear he hadn't felt so scared and sick since his last armed confrontation with a perp.

Danny was also trying to control his breathing. In the car he had rehearsed different scenarios in his head for what would happen next. Getting Don to talk was going to be hard and he had not yet thought of a plausible way of starting things off. He and Flack were normally so cavalier with one another- the jokes, the name-calling, the sarcasm. He had considered utilising this, but if he didn't pitch it just right, he could drive Flack further away. Now he had finally got him alone and free to talk, he didn't want to waste his opportunity. It had taken time and patience to find the right moment to approach Don, and he couldn't afford to fail. Danny had no clue what was wrong with Don (in spite of spending many an hour trying to puzzle it out), but it was clear that his friend needed help.

On the way up to his apartment, it had come to Danny that perhaps he should try a new tactic altogether. He knew that Stella had a knack of getting people to confide in her. Gentle but direct, her approach had been an asset in many cases; not to mention in her dealings with her colleagues. Sitting down on the couch he had tried to think himself into Stella's mindset. 'Go slow' he said to himself.

Danny breathed out slowly and calmly.

'So…. I don't wanna be funny, but I can see that something is up. You wanna tell me about it? Strictly in confidence of course. Anythin' you tell me doesn't leave this room.' He turned to Don slightly, but not all the way; he didn't want to turn this into a confrontation.

Don's mind was racing. 'Shit! Say something quick! Stall for time! Say anything! Get out of here!'

He shifted slightly in his seat. 'Stay calm. If you can stare down an alleyway full of gang members, you can deal with this. Focus.'

'Uh, um, I'm okay. It's nothin', I just have some er, stuff to deal with is all.' He pulled the closest thing to a smile he could manage and turned to Danny, even making eye contact very briefly.

Danny sighed gently- you didn't need experience interviewing criminals to know an insincere response and a fake smile when you saw it. It's all in the eyes.

'Patience Danny, patience. Does Stella give up? Did you really think it would be that easy? Did you expect him to just blurt out what was wrong straight away?'

'Okay.' Danny shifted towards Don slightly and rested his hand on Don's arm very gently. 'isn't there anything you wanna talk about? You seem really, er, distracted and um, closed off. I've been really worried.'

A little flutter in Don's chest. The thought that Danny felt concern for him provoked a powerful warmth inside of him. He sighed. His hands were shaking. How to reply?

Danny was leaning forward, his hand still on Don's arm. It felt intensely hot through his shirtsleeve and Don couldn't ignore how it felt. He turned towards Danny a little, forcing himself to face the man at last.

Don took a deep breath in, looking Danny in the eye fully for the first time in weeks. Danny's expression was difficult to decipher. Sure there was concern, but something else- no Don, that's wishful thinking. Just tell him something quickly and then bolt.

'It's nothin' really. You see er, I'm kinda… I er,' he stopped, trying to focus harder on articulating some sort of response. Danny's hand moved along Don's wrist slightly towards his hand, onto bare skin. Don was struggling to disregard the new feelings it evoked. 'It's nothing. I like someone, they don't like me, blah blah, you know the rest.' Danny's hand was on Don's now, and he was sitting further forward. He looked into Don's eyes, his expression still enigmatic.

Don had never really understood what perps meant in interrogation when they said 'and something just inside of me just snapped', but at that moment, this is exactly what happened to him. He felt compelled to inch his face closer to Danny's and, when the smaller man held his gaze and didn't flinch, he crossed the remaining space and pressed his lips gently to Danny's.

After a few fleeting seconds (during which Danny did nothing, frozen as he was, in pure shock), Don regained his self-control and pulled away.

'Oh my god!' Don blurted as he stood up 'God, I'm so sorry – shit - I'm just gonna go. I'm just really drunk and mixed up and oh God, please just – forget it. I'm really sorry.' Don raced for the door, grabbing his jacket from an armchair on his way out of Danny's apartment.

Danny was still startled, but instinct drove him to follow Don to the door as quickly as he could. When he reached the door, Don was struggling to undo the many locks on Danny's door, but having little luck in doing so as his hands were shaking so hard. Danny moved in close behind him, pinning him to the door and reaching with one arm to stop Don's progress in opening the door. Breathing hard and unsure of what to do next, Danny froze pressed against Don's back, one hand holding Don's on the lock and the other flat against the door to prevent Don from escaping his grasp.

Don's heart had never raced like this. He could feel it pounding in his ears as he struggled to make sense of the situation, what to do next, but try as he might, he could not take his focus from the warmth and proximity of Danny's body, hot breath on his neck, a hand gripping his, firmly but gently.

Seconds passed while both men tried to gain control of themselves. Danny had slowed his breathing slightly and was regaining his composure a little. Leaning his head closer towards Don, he whispered gently into the other man's ear:

'Don, turn around.' Danny's breath tickled Don's ear and somehow his heart managed to beat even faster. 'Turn around Don. It's okay.'

Danny let go of Don's hand and placed it against the door, mirroring the position of his other hand. Don could not wriggle out of Danny's grasp now, so his choices were limited. Either he stayed where he was, trembling and stunned, or he could turn and face Danny and with it, the fear he had been running from for months. He hesitated for a moment, then drew a deep breath and turned slowly, eyes still shut, within the space between Danny's arms and body. He now faced Danny, aware that his cheeks were wet with tears, and stood stock still for a moment, trying hard to plan his next move. Normally so cool and clear-thinking in a crisis, Don's mind kept going blank, normal cognitive service suspended.

Danny was also still, his heart lurching at the sight of his friend's tear-stained face and his obvious distress. He allowed a few moments to pass, curious about how Don would react, but it was clear to him that Don's anguish was only increasing. Danny lifted one hand from the door and placed it gently on Don's damp cheek, holding it still for a second to give Don a chance to react. Then, when Don did not push him away, Danny swept his thumb upwards to wipe away the tears, still erupting slowly despite Don's efforts to stopper them by screwing his eyes tighter and tighter. Emboldened by his actions, Danny leant a little closer into Don's personal space and, moving his other hand to grasp Don's shoulder gently, whispered gently to his friend 'Don, it's okay. Open your eyes. It's okay.'

Don could feel a gentle tickle on his face as Danny's words came out; their faces were very close now. 'Come on Don,' he thought to himself, 'get it together. Open your eyes and be a man. Face it. Stop hiding before it kills you.' Encouraged a little by the gentle grasp of Danny's hand on his shoulder and the soft sweep as his tears were wiped away, Don opened his eyes slowly and cautiously.

As his eyes slowly regained focus, Don was met with an extraordinary sight. Danny stood in front of him, still holding him gently in place, wearing on his face a look of the greatest kindness, compassion and concern. Don held Danny's gaze, trying to read from it what he should do next. Neither man spoke, but after a short pause, Danny leant closer to Don, still holding his cheek, and kissed him gently.

Don's eyes widened with surprise, but he did not pull away. Danny moved closer, still not breaking the kiss, moving one hand from Don's shoulder to around his back, and sliding the other hand from Don's face, around to the back of his head, gently stroking his soft brown hair.

Danny's kiss was gentle and brief, testing the water, and when Don did not respond, he broke away to gaze at his friend's face once more, confused as to how to proceed.

The pair stood still for a moment, locked in a shy, nervous embrace, staring one another in the eye, a moment of honesty. Don's breathing had slowed a little, and although normal thinking service had not resumed in his brain, the confusion had cleared enough for him to consider the situation.

Gazing back at Danny, something inside Don snapped again and before he could talk himself out of it, he kissed Danny once more, placing his hands on Danny's firm chest and leaning in, truly throwing all caution to the wind.

Danny responded fast this time, pressing himself closer to Don and pulling him in, sweeping his tongue lightly against Don's lips. This new sensation thrilled Don more than anything, leaving him completely unable to stifle a gentle moan into Danny's mouth. Encouraged by this, Danny held him tighter still, sliding his tongue all the way into Don's mouth, delighted when their tongues made contact and stroked together softly. As the pair continued their passionate embrace, speaking as one, crushed together against the door, Don felt as though his entire body and spirit were waking after decades asleep. He moaned against Danny again, stroking a hand over his collarbone, around his neck, exploring slowly, now completely consumed by the power of his feelings.

When both men were entirely out of breath, their mouths separated, still in a loose embrace. Danny kept his eyes firmly on Don's, slipping one hand down Don's arm and grasping his friend's trembling hand. Retaining eye contact, Danny stepped back slowly, leading Don gently towards the bedroom. Confused and stunned as Don was, his brain could raise no objection to following Danny, so Don held tightly onto his friend's hand and did just that.

Danny was regaining some sense of reason and began to fear that Don would change his mind or get scared once they were in the bedroom. As soon as Don was inside the door, Danny shoved him gently back against it, shutting the door and sweeping in to kiss Don again, with all the passion and strength he could muster.

Things progressed fast from this point. Actively forcing his doubts away, Don wrapped himself around Danny and gave back as good as he was getting. Danny's confidence grew, and he slid his hands under his friend's t-shirt, feeling a growing excitement as his hands swept across the soft, hot skin of his friend's belly and back. Don's reaction to this took him surprise – he gasped at Danny's touch, more erotic than any in his life. Danny swept his hands across Don's belly, delighting at the touch of the soft hair reaching up over his chest. Gripping the material of Don's shirt firmly, Danny tugged it upwards, until Don had no choice but to break contact, if only for the fraction of a second it took for him to tear off his shirt and discard it on the floor. Their kissing continued, Danny's hands roaming all over Don's upper body, provoking waves of new and extraordinary feelings in Don. He was breathless and overwhelmed, but he felt strongly compelled not to stop.

Danny broke away from Don's mouth and began to kiss softly along the taller man's neck and shoulder. Don stroked one hand through his friend's hair, the other slid to Danny's waist and up under his shirt. Danny responded to Don's touch by whimpering loudly and pressing ever closer into Don, feeling his self restraint diminish by the second at the touch of Don's hardness against his hip. Don now had both hands under Danny's t-shirt, roaming everywhere, fascinated by the feeling of the skin he had so longed to touch.

Their mouths were together again, stopping only briefly for Danny to be divested of his shirt. Don was completely lost in his passion for Danny, so exquisite was the feeling of their skin touching. Danny could feel himself losing control, so took the initiative and dragged Don over to the bed, pushing him down firmly and sitting astride Don's muscular hips. He stopped for a second to gaze at Don, flushed and panting underneath him, shirtless and clearly aroused.

The short pause allowed Don to gain control of his thoughts for the first time. Fear spread slowly across his face. What was he doing?

Danny leant forwards towards Don, keen to resume kissing, but Don's doubts had taken hold. He grasped Danny by the wrists and sat up, struggling out awkwardly from under the smaller man.

'Stop…I can't.' he blurted out, sliding off the bed while Danny lay shocked on the bed. Don was reaching to the floor for his shirt.

'Don, wait. Please…' Danny stepped towards him, grabbing him gently by the arms. Don shrugged him off.

'No Danny, I can't. I'm sorry… I can't do this. I gotta go.'

Danny stood silently, unsure what to do. Don opened the bedroom door, grabbed his coat (discarded in the hallway from his previous escape attempt) and made for the door. Danny followed, but this time he didn't try to stop Don physically. He stood a few feet away as Don once again began to open the numerous locks on Danny's door.

'Don, please. We need to talk about this. Don't go… just stay a minute- please buddy.' Danny's pleas had little effect.

'I'm sorry Danny. I'm sorry. I gotta go.' Freeing the last lock, Don swung the door open and was gone. The door slammed behind him, leaving Danny shocked and speechless in the hallway.